17. Crashing
seventeen
Finally, I was awakened from my catatonic state of surprise by a shove to the back of my shoulder. But as I watched—as if in slow motion—Nathan’s shoulder hit Travis’, I opened my mouth to say something before I realized that we were practically standing on the street. In a neighborhood like mine, every word was heard and every fight became a public concern.
Humiliated and at a loss for what to do next, I saw Nathan speed away in his car without looking back. Grabbing Travis by the lapel of his jacket, I pulled him inside and slammed the door. Before even turning around, I shouted at the top of my lungs, “What the fuck?” As I spun round, I saw a dumb expression on his face. It only made me angrier. “Are you fucking high? No! No!” I quickly shook my head in disbelief, cocking a finger at him, yelling, “This is fucking insane, even for you!”
“Sof!”
“What on fucking Earth has gotten into you?” I continued to scream at him, “Coming here and doing that?”
“Really?” He raised his voice an octave. “That’s what I get for coming all the way here to explain?”
“Explain what?” Both my hands jumped to my head, and I felt like I could tear out my hair. “That you don’t know the first thing about me?”
“Oh yeah!” He leaned forward with an aggressive look on his face. “Speaking of—Who the fuck was that? That was him, wasn’t he?”
“Oh my God!” No longer able to look at his face, I turned around and tugged on the edges of my robe, pulling it tighter around my neck. “I don’t believe this.” Abruptly turning around, I felt my rage regain its momentum. “Who the fuck told you that I owe you an explanation?”
“Last time I saw you, you explained very well that you don’t—”
“Then what’s with you?” I shouted louder.
“I want you!” He replied with just as much power. “I couldn’t get that image of you and him out of my head, and when you left, it got worse—
“Obviously, because you’ve lost your fucking mind!” I poked at my head before shaking it sternly. “Travis, you’ve crossed so many lines I could kill you right now!”
“Oh, look at you on your high fucking horse!” He snorted before his lips snarled with disgust. Pointing a finger at me, he took a step farther. “You… You… you’re nothing like I thought.”
“Why? Because I won’t accept your fucking entitlement and your childish behaviors?”
“Worse!” His jaws clenched. “Tell me, Sophie… what are you getting out of this, huh?”
“What are you talking about?” I hissed.
“Him!” He pointed angrily at the closed door. “How much has the heartless, vicious corporate robot in a suit pulled out of pocket for you to fuck him?” The shock of his accusation left me speechless, so he carried on. “You’re right. I thought I knew who you were, but I don’t. You don’t belong in this community you’ve tried too hard to infiltrate… with your big, innocent eyes and bouncy curls. You’re everything that’s wrong with the women of our generation.”
Finally finding my voice once more, I felt the threat of it shaking but knew I had to say something. Nodding, I replied, “And you’re what’s wrong with every man… ever… so how about you fucking leave and never let me see your fucking face again?” I was surprised at how steady my words came out, given that I was trembling inside.
His hand landed on the doorknob with a thud as he scoffed and nodded. “Gladly. But don’t come running back to me when he dumps you for a new flavor that will match his new yacht.”
“Get out!” I screamed, launching at him and pushing him with both my hands. They hit his shoulders and then his back as he turned around, rushing out of my place. This time, in the dark, I saw an old couple standing across the street, terrified of what they had just witnessed. I muttered from under my breath, “Fuck this, fuck everything,” as I ran back inside, slamming the door behind me.
And then I collapsed to the floor. What Nathan saw was the ugliest scenario any man would have expected. I was kissed by another man and what was worse was that—in the midst of my astonishment—I didn’t push him back or resist. I froze in place and let Travis kiss me right in front of the man, who was just beginning to forgive me for abandoning him.
How was I going to fix it now?
The sound of my weeps was the only thing filling the space between me and nothingness. What had I done to make Travis think that he could do this? Had I given him mixed signals? That couldn’t be; we hadn’t even texted since I’d stormed out of his apartment two weeks ago. Who filled his head with this nonsense? Or was he always like that, and I’d missed it?
About to lose my mind, I went back to the memories of us working together, hanging out with his friends, or grabbing a quick lunch at the center. I tried to rake through every detail with a fine-tooth comb, trying to put my finger on a hint or a sign… anything that indicated his attraction to me. Was I so na?ve? Had I misread him?
What did it matter now? And what did he know? Travis was never going to believe me if I’d said that I truly liked Nathan, or that our attraction had nothing to do with his wealth or power.
And then my mind went blank.
I knew I was occupying my thoughts with attempts to analyze Travis’ behavior, because I was too scared to face the real problem; I had probably lost Nathan for good.
Pushing myself up, I looked down at the robe, now open wide and drenched in my tears. I slowly shook my head as I looked around, hoping that perhaps Nathan had left something behind—anything I could use to go back and speak with him. But the man was efficient; it was as though he were never here.
Looking over to the kitchen counter, I saw the lonely tomatoes I had washed. The packet of spaghetti. The pot full of water.
“Yeah,” I bitterly whispered to myself. “It sure looked like a date.”
Feeling drained, I shuffled toward the stairs and went up, all the way to my room where I found my clothes lying in a pool on the floor. The air still smelled of him, and the tears came back, quickly and with vengeance. As I sobbed, I tossed aside the robe and picked up a fresh shirt and a pair of sweatpants. As I put them on, I wondered if my mom would be awake.
Sniffling, I picked up my phone and found a missed call from Silvain. “Too late, bro… too late.”
As I got under the covers, I pulled them over me all the way until my collarbone and launched the video call application on the phone, hitting mom’s name. It rang for a long time before it indicated that she answered, but the screen remained black.
“Chérie?” I heard her whisper with muffled sounds around her. “Papa is sleeping, I’m walking out.” Light came into the screen, and she carefully closed the bedroom door, stepping into the living room with the night light. “Sophie? What’s wrong?”
“Maman,” I moaned from between my weeps. “I think I may be crazy. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Are you in bed? Are you sick?”
I shook my head. “I keep treating him so horribly! He’ll never forgive me. Never.”
“Okay, okay.” I saw more light as she turned on the side lamp by the sofa before sitting down and leaning back. “Breathe… deep breaths now.”
I did as she asked, filling my lungs as I closed my eyes. “You don’t understand, I really fucked up.”
“Let it out without talking.”
Exhaling, I opened my eyes and snuffled. “Okay. I’m good. I’m fine.”
“Is this about the man you said you don’t love?” I slowly nodded before she added, “You still believe you don’t love him?”
Licking my lips, I let my eyes move upward, staring at the ceiling for a second. “There are lots of stages in between?”
“I haven’t seen you cry this hard since Kevin Blank on summer break.”
Despite my tears, I let out a brief titter. “You still remember that?”
“How could I forget? The first time a boy broke your heart.”
“Well, I wish it was that simple now. This time, a boy broke my heart… except, he was never even in it.”
“It’s the middle of the night. So if you’re going to speak in code, at least wait for me to make a coffee first.”
“How did dad do it?”
“Do what?”
“Remain in a marriage with you, after… everything he had been used to.”
“You mean, commit?”
“Yes? And more importantly, how did he get other women to understand that he was no longer the man they knew? I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle, mom. Everything about me somehow draws the wrong kind of attention, and when I finally find one that I want… it’s ruined.”
“What ruined it?”
“A big misunderstanding? Something you’d only see in movies.”
“But if it’s really a misunderstanding, then he needs to listen.”
“It was so bad, mom.” I shook my head as I hung it down in shame. “So awfully bad.”
“Then speak louder until he hears you.”
Staring at her loving face, I remained quiet for a moment, processing what she was suggesting. “Is that what dad did?”
“Do you know your guy as well as I knew your dad when that happened?”
“I can’t say that I do.”
“Then why does it matter?”
“Because I need some guidance? Something to hold on to.”
“Your dad is not the chatty kind and you know that. But his actions reassured me.”
“I don’t want to lose him, mom. I think he’s really a good one.”
“Well, if he cares about you, then I know he is.”
I shrugged. “I’m so messed up, I can’t tell if you’re right.”
“I know you more than you know yourself, Sophie. You’re young, and you made some young-people mistakes. Who doesn’t do those?”
“Maybe someone who’s in love?”
A victorious smile took over her face. “Your words, not mine.”
“How do I even know?”
“You woke me up in the middle of the night crying your eyes out? Saying you don’t want to lose him? I would call it love. Fresh love, but still… l”amour.”
As a way to pull me out of the pit of sadness in which she saw me, my mom spent the next twenty minutes updating me on her family and neighbors. She then yawned, and I felt guilty. “I feel better now. Please go back to sleep.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Before anything, I need to make sure that none of my relationships are toxic or misguided enough to put me in this position again.”
“Good strategy.” She nodded in approval.
“And then I need to figure out how I’m going to let my actions speak for me.”
“What did you tell me his name was?”
“Did I? I don’t know. It’s Nathan.”
“Well.” She tilted her head and smiled ever so tenderly. “Nathan would be a very lucky man to have you by his side.”
Feeling like a little girl, I forced a grin at first, but then it felt natural. “You think?”
“You’re my daughter. We make very good women in this family.”
Laughing, I thought about all the times my mom had said that to me over the years. Travis’ idiocy shouldn’t shake the way I view myself. I was worthy of real love, and if Nathan had it for me, then I was going to find it.