Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
Cadence
The next week passes with a harmony that feels like a deep, long exhale.
I’m not sure I’ve ever relaxed like this. Zane cooks for me regularly, we eat, sleep, swim, and play .
There is no other word for it. From wrestling, to walking, to laughing, we just enjoy each other’s company.
I’ve never been so content in my own head. I don’t seek conflict, don’t search for ways to push him away. And I slowly feel the deep wound of hurt I carry begin to heal in a way I’ve never imagined.
He keeps asking me questions about my past. Some I answer, some I don’t, and when I don’t, he doesn’t press.
But I do tell him about my mom, and how she was an addict. We’re out walking the property, staying in the shade of the trees.
I only share a few of the memories of sleeping in crack houses. “How old were you?”
I shake my head. “Young.”
“Drugs are a hard habit to kick and it can span generations,” he says, giving me a sidelong glance. Is he asking about my own proclivities?
“I tried drinking and drugs in my teens and early twenties. But I’m done with that.” I turn toward him, meeting his eye. “I’ve got enough problems without adding addiction.”
“You don’t drink at all?”
I shake my head. “Is that weird for you?”
“No,” he answers. “I don’t really drink either. Medical school was too strenuous, and field work was too dangerous for that kind of indulgence.”
I lace my fingers through his. Because it’s the first time I’ve thought that I might suit him. Sobriety is something we share, something I bring when other women might not.
It makes me warm inside and I bump my shoulder against his in a playful move as I bite my lip.
He responds by scooping me up and spinning me around.
I can’t believe I told him about my horrendous childhood and now he’s spinning me around instead of tossing me out.
I’ve always thought my past made me inferior. I know it’s not my fault, but that doesn’t mean it makes me less desirable.
I didn’t grow up being taught to match curtains with sofas. Then again, Zane says that he’s not interested in that woman.
My entire life has taught me that his feelings won’t last. But for the first time in a very long time, I’m buoyed by hope. It scares the crap out of me.
Every person I’ve trusted has quit on me. Except for Ava…
Are there really two people in this world who can care about me even though I’m the prickliest pear ever?
If I’m honest, I’ve done my damnedest to push Ava away. In fact, my eyes flutter closed as I delve deeper. I’ve been examining thoughts this week I’ve shied away from for years.
I’d assumed all this time something was wrong with her that she still loved me.
That it’s her wound that keeps her by my side, and not my worth.
“What’s wrong?” Zane rumbles.
“Nothing. Just thinking about Ava.”
“Ava,” he growls back.
I furrow my brow, trying to understand what he means. “Every time I talk about Ava you seem angry.”
“I know you say she’s your friend but?— ”
“But what?” I ask as he gently sets me on my feet.
“But she seems connected to every one of your most traumatic experiences.”
“Yeah. Cause she was there. For all intents and purposes, she’s my sister. We lived that shit together.”
His brow furrows. “But you’ve had to hurt yourself to save her.”
“What does that mean?”
“You stabbed a man to protect her, Cadence. That’s a wound you carry on your soul.”
I stare at him. “Does it bother you that I’ve done things like that?” My throat closes as I brace myself for the rejection I know is coming. But somehow, for the first time in my adult life, the idea of it doesn’t make me angry, just sad.
I don’t rise to fight. I don’t hide from the pain.
I won’t use anger to protect myself against Zane. I can’t. I’ll feel it all this time. I really have rewritten some of my shit patterns.
“No. You can’t imagine the shit I did in the military. It bothers me you’ve suffered for her.”
My mouth drops open as I try to understand. This is not the conversation I thought we’d be having. “You don’t understand.”
“Then tell me.”
“Ava lives in the shittiest little apartment, despite having an amazing job. She saves all her money.”
“Okay?”
“Three times she’s used that money to help me get sober by paying for rehab,” I whisper, knowing that Zane is going to understand why he shouldn’t trust me. “She’s bailed me out of prison. Gotten me jobs. She’s…” I feel tears well in my eyes. “She’s the only person who has ever loved me.”
“But…” He starts, but I raise my hand.
“If anything, someone should be giving her this lecture. About how I’m a bad influence. One of the reasons I left is because…I’m dragging her down. Not the other way around.”
I steel my spine as I gather myself to say the next words. “And if you’re smart, you’ll see that I would drag you down too.” I drop my head, tears misting my eyes. I’ve said the truth. The words that weigh heavy on my heart.
When I take the anger away, I know that I’ve used it to push people away so that I don’t have to face this moment. Admitting they’re right to leave me behind.
That I deserve rejection.
“You’re not dragging me down. I…” And that’s when I hear the pain in his voice.
My chin snaps up. “What is it?”
“Umm…” He winces then, and I blink back my surprise as I try to determine where this conversation is heading.
“What?” I snap.
“Ava’s been calling a lot,” he quietly answers. “Last night she called while you were in the shower, and I picked up.”
“Okay…” My chest grows tight. Because what I did to Ava, coming here without telling her was shitty. I owe her an apology, and an explanation of how my distance is my defense mechanism.
“And I told her that she should leave you alone.” His shoulders stay straight but I see the uncertainty in his eyes.
“You did what?” I ask, my voice growing unbelievably tight as I give his chest a solid push. Anger is back. Because nothing pushes my buttons like someone messing with my best friend.
I might try to push Ava away, but no one else gets to hurt her.
“I thought?—”
“You thought wrong,” I snarl. “What did I tell you about being heavy-handed? I don’t want it, and I won’t tolerate it.”
He stops, his jaw working. “I did get heavy-handed again, didn’t I?”
My fists clench. “You want a girl that lets you boss her around, go back to your shitty dating app and your sorority girls.”
“How did you know…”
“I thought we understood each other. I can be a real bitch, but you will respect my boundaries.”
He drops down on his knees, which makes my head whip back, surprise making my eyes wide. “You’re right.”
“Which part?” I ask, my anger deflating like a balloon .
“All of it. I’ve pushed too hard and I made choices on your behalf that I shouldn’t have made. You’re angry. I’m bossy. I need a woman who calls me out on it.”
I don’t know what he expected, but my hands relax. “Thank goodness.”
“What?”
“Is it messed up that it makes me feel better that you’re not perfect?” I say shaking my head.
He laughs and then pulls me close, his face settling against my stomach. “You don’t think I’m perfect? I think you are.”
“Oh please,” I snort, but I run my hands through his hair. “We both know I’m as far from perfect as one can get.”
He looks up at me then, his eyes open and honest. “You’re perfect for me.”
My breath catches. “I am not.”
“You are, Cadence. I already told you. I don’t want simple. I like that you challenge me. I…” His hands spread out on my back. “I’m falling in love with you.”
My lips part as I stare down at him. He can’t mean it. “Zane.” I hear the tears in my own voice.
“You don’t have to say it back. I’m still going to help you heal. But I just want you to know that I’m willing to give you my whole heart if you’re willing to take it.”
I curl around him, my eyes squeezing shut. “I love you too.”
“You do?”
“I do. And I want to be the kind of person who knows how to give love and how to receive it.”
“Good.”
But then I tug on his hair. “But just so we’re clear, loving me means taking care of Ava too. I wouldn’t be here without her. She’s the first person who showed me that some people don’t leave. They stay and they love.”
He nods. “I’ll make my apologies, and from now on…I’m clear. Ava is on the protected list.”
I feel like the Grinch, because I swear, I can feel my heart swelling and growing in my chest. What I hoped, what I wanted, has come to pass.
I have found love thanks to The Hunt.
And for the first time in a long time, I think I might be able to work past my anger and live my life with peace and joy.
And now, a sneak peek of the next book in the Kings of Las Vegas series, Ryker’s story, King of Corruption!!