Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
Kim
The last hour has felt like a dream. Or maybe a nightmare.
I’m staring down a long strip of Ultrasound pictures, the little dot on the screen confirmation that I have made the one mistake I swore never to make.
I don’t cry. I think I might be dried out.
Leo stayed by my side all through the exam, his fingers flexing in mine when the doctor played the heartbeat out loud with this little microphone attached to a machine. “Here that?” She’d smiled at us both. “That’s the heartbeat of your baby! We can’t always hear them at this stage so that means your baby’s heart is really strong.”
I tried to smile back but all I could feel was sick dread.
Then they’d taken us for an ultrasound where the tech had told us that everything looked really good.
I look at the pictures in my hand, reading the words.
Kimberly Evingston
Approximate date of conception, July 14.
Mason and Charlotte’s wedding.
“You all right over there?” Leo asks, giving me a quick glance as he drives his car through Vegas traffic.
“I’m fine,” I answer. Even I know I don’t sound fine. “I’ll be fine.”
He gives the smallest nod. “Want to go back to my place?”
I shake my head. “No. I’ll go back to mine. I should…” I’d been about to say pack. The plan was for me to stay with Leo until I moved to New York.
First, there is no point in going to New York if I’m pregnant. And while a few times today the idea of an abortion has popped in my head, I already know that I can’t. What if my mom had gone that route?
But how I’ll raise a child is a complete mystery to me. I don’t even have enough money to pay for my class, I certainly don’t have money for doctors. My head drops down a notch. I can return to Minneapolis now or I can try to finish out my degree. And at least for now, I still have my job at Temptation.
Could I make enough to put a down payment on a house? I don’t even know how that works.
But maybe I could get a place and my mom could move in too. She could help me with the baby and…
She’s going to be so disappointed with me.
My hands twist together.
“My place is probably more comfortable. You could take a bath. Sleep.”
I shake my head. “I’m meeting Charlotte for lunch today.”
“Ah.” I see him hesitate out of the corner of my eye. “You going to tell her?”
I shake my head. “No. Not yet. I need to figure some stuff out. I…” My throat gets tight. There are the tears.
“We’ll figure stuff out together,” he says and then he places a hand over mine. “Promise.”
I lift my head because his words feel so good. We’ve had sex like three times. This is not a marriage thing, I get that.
But if I could just do it a little better than my mom. Maybe have Leo be part of the baby’s life so this kid doesn’t feel like I did. I squeeze his hand, trying not to get ahead of myself.
He turns down Sunset Drive, nearing my apartment. As he pulls up to the curb in front of my place, he clears his throat. “I guess the first decision is whether or not to end the pregnancy.”
He says the words carefully, but I still jump. “Is that what you want?” I don’t know why I ask it like this. I already know how I feel.
“I’m asking you.”
I draw in a breath to steady my nerves. “I don’t think I could, to be honest.”
He gives me a small smile, his thumb brushing over my cheek. “Ok. First decision made.”
And then he opens his door, coming around the car to open mine. He helps me out, and once I’m standing, he pulls me close, bringing his mouth down on mine. It’s a soft kiss. The kind that makes my breath catch as he holds my face. “Try to relax today. You didn’t get much sleep.”
He steps back, pulling a wallet out of his pocket. I blink down as he pulls out several bills. “And buy nice food, Kim. Stuff to make the spinach smoothies you like.”
“I don’t need—” It’s a reflex. But he closes my hand over the bills.
“I know you won’t spend what you made at Temptation, and you left your bag at my place anyway. I need to know, since you don’t have access to my fridge, that you’ll be eating plenty.”
I shake my head. “Charlotte’s taking me out. She’ll—” But he kisses me again, silencing the words. And then he starts walking me to the door.
He doesn’t come into the apartment, but when I walk in, Chandra and Kendall are both staring out the window watching Leo pull away.
They turn to me.
“Did he give you money?” Kendall asks.
“Of course, he did,” Chandra answers, before she turns to me. “What did he give it to you for?”
“He’s just paying me for sex,” I answer, before I stomp off to my room. I thought coming here would give me space outside of Leo’s world to think but Chandra sprints after me.
“That’s bullshit. He was all possessive about where you were going to live yesterday.”
I stop because she’s right. Turning back to her, I cock my head to the side, as I ask, “If you were me, what would you think?”
“He’s way into you,” Kendall volunteers. “I mean the way he touched your face. That’s like some Ryan Gosling shit right there,” she says as she sighs. “How is he in bed?”
I blink at the juxtaposition, but I don’t answer. The last thing I need to tell Kendall is that he makes my eyes roll back in my head on the regular. She’d stick to him like a fly to paper.
“Is he your boyfriend?” Chandra asks.
“I don’t know,” I shrug. “It’s complicated.”
“The best ones are,” Chandra sighs as she leans her back against the wall. But then she stiffens again. “Hey. By the way…you know Melissa at the club?”
“Yeah,” I shake my head because with Chandra conversations always just kind of bounce from topic to topic.
“She was talking about you last night before you came in and it was weird.”
“Weird how?” My stomach twists as I remember Melissa telling me that Leo wanted to talk to me.
“She was on the phone, and she was telling someone what time you came in and that you were dating Mr. Kincaid.”
My brows draw together. That is weird…
My head totally full, I go into my room and change into a dress and then head out for my lunch with Charlotte. I’m early but I could use some time to just meander.
I think about texting Leo and telling him about the Melissa thing but honestly, compared to everything else, it seems small. And I’m tired of sharing problems with Leo.
I think back to that guy on the plane who called me a hot mess. Maybe I am…my life is more of a mess than ever.
But I push those thoughts aside as I enter the restaurant.
It’s a cute little French Bistro and Charlotte is glowing with happiness as she sits down, a few shopping bags in hand.
She pulls out a wrapped package from one. “For you.”
I open the crisp white paper, finding a picture of myself inside a beautiful silver frame. I’m outside but I’m in a plié, the desert stretching out behind me. It’s not the first picture Charlotte has taken of me, in fact she snaps them pretty often, but in this photo I’m different. I look really happy. Maybe that’s not the right word. I look…serene. “When did you even take this?” Charlotte’s pictures always have an emotional depth to them, but I don’t know if I’ve ever seen myself like this. I’m always worried, always striving.
“It was out by the Las Vegas sign. I can’t remember why we went. But I do remember that this little girl was trying to do a plié and you showed her how.”
I blink at the picture remembering. It feels like a lifetime ago and yet I can still hear her laugh as she bent and lifted her little hand.
“Do you think you’ll teach dance someday?”
“What?”
Charlotte gives me a smile. “I know you love to dance, but you always seem happiest when you’re helping other people.”
I look down at the picture. She isn’t wrong. I loved teaching in my mom’s studio in high school, not that it paid much. No one knows that better than my mom, that teaching dance is no way to make money. “Maybe.”
“So…” Charlotte smiles, changing the subject. “Before I start gushing about married life, you have to tell me what is going on between you and Leo. Mason says that Leo is moving you into this new building.”
“What?” I can feel my heartbeat accelerate. “When did Leo say that?”
“Yesterday.” Charlotte’s brow scrunches. “Are you all right?”
“I’m just my usual hot mess,” I whisper, taking a deep gulp of the water glass in front of me.
“You’re not a hot mess at all,” Charlotte shakes her head. “You’re one of the steadiest people I know."
"Really? Because I failed a class, didn’t graduate, I?—”
Charlotte reaches for my hand. “Trying to reach for things, to stretch, means that sometimes you fall. You’re a dancer, you know that. It doesn’t make you a mess, it makes you strong and brave.”
My shoulders sink in relief. “Thanks, Charlotte. I needed to hear that.”
She wraps her hand about mine. “Is something going on?”
I told Leo I wouldn’t tell her but I’m not sure I can hold it in. Maybe I need her perspective. “Yes.”
“Has Leo hurt you? He can be a real loose cannon.”
“No, of course not. If anything, he’s more gentle and considerate than any guy…” And that makes me pause.
“Leo?” Charlotte asks, her brows drawn together in disbelief.
I think of him holding my hand this morning as the ultrasound tech pointed out the beating heart of the baby on the screen.
He has been nothing but helpful all while taking care of me. Part of why I shut down last night was because I just assumed his rejection was coming.
But he didn’t reject me at all. He apologized for his initial reaction, sat next to me that entire appointment, and then he offered to let me hang at his place.
I think I really need to talk to Leo and be honest about a few things and I’ll try not to let my fears get in the way of really listening to what he has to say.
I think for the first time in a long time, I actually have a bit of real hope.