Chapter 12
CHAPTER 12
I stood frozen in place, my heart like carved ice. Zings from my collar skittered along my nerves, flashes of pain following. But I didn’t move. I stood rigidly. Listening. Processing.
Jax continued his questions, and I digested every damning answer and soul-slicing comment that emitted from my guardian’s traitorous mouth.
My guardian was forced to verbalize honest answers under Jax’s Mistvale magic. But with each answer Guardian Alleron gave, my heart withered more and more until it felt like a dried husk.
Most of my guardian’s responses were entirely new information to me. Such as, not only could my collar never come off, but it was also only Guardian Alleron’s fingerprint that could ever wield the adaptor. Jax would never be able to wield it, not even if he took it .
And, the crystals within the adaptor and my collar came from a land far away, so far that it would require crossing the Adriastic Sea to reach it. And since my guardian had never traveled there, but had merely hired someone to retrieve my collar and his adaptor, he wasn’t even sure of their exact origins.
There was also nothing Guardian Alleron could do to alter any of my collar’s strength. It’d been set long ago when the collar had been initially forged.
In other words, I would always be caged.
Hearing that confirmed a deep-down fear that I’d been carrying in my cracking heart for full seasons—that my freedom and hope for a real family were merely a dream. And now, since I knew the collar would never come off, I would always be contained, even if I proved I was no longer a danger to others. The harsh reality was that everything that’d been whispered in my ear since I was a child... It’d all been false.
Jax had been right.
Guardian Alleron had never intended to release me from slavery.
Because the most damning information he confessed to was that he’d specifically requested the forger to make my collar irremovable, which meant that all of the seasons my guardian had promised it would one day come off had all been a deception—a way to make me pliant and eager to do his bidding. He’d never intended to remove it .
And now, I saw my mistake. My guardian and I had never made a fairy bargain. We’d never been bound by the gods and goddesses to ensure his word was true, because I’d been stupid and na?ve and believed that he loved me. Because I’d trusted him, the male who’d been the only father I’d ever known, to keep his word.
I stood in the clearing, entirely numb, as Jax continued asking question upon question. He kept looking for some way around all of the restrictions Guardian Alleron had crafted for my collar.
But there wasn’t a way out of this, and several absolute truths slowly began to sink in.
Guardian Alleron had only sought to use me.
I was a permanent slave.
I would never be free.
And that meant I would never know what had become of my blood family.
Devastation hit me so suddenly, and my knees threatened to give out. If the collar never came off, then I would never be able to fully access my magic, which meant that I could never ask the semelees for my own calling.
No, don’t think about that. Don’t feel that. Feel anything but that.
I piled on layer after layer of denial to that soul-lashing pain. I wouldn’t feel this. Couldn’t feel it. Slowly, a thick wall of stone erected itself around my withered heart.
Questions finished, Jax finally released Guardian Alleron from his commanding voice, and my guardian fell to the ground.
My captor stood over him, chest heaving. Jax placed his hands on his hips, his fingers tapping, and a look of absolute disgust yanked his eyebrows together.
None of the other males gave Guardian Alleron so much as a pitying glance when he rubbed his throat. Instead, Bowan immediately called forth his binding magic and tethered Alleron to the tree again, his magic unyielding even when my guardian hissed in pain.
“May I please have some water?” Guardian Alleron croaked once completely bound.
Everyone ignored that request. Including me.
“Or food, or perhaps—” He hissed again when the ropelike magic cut into him anew. “Perhaps slightly less tight restraints?”
Bowan grunted but did nothing to change his magic.
I still didn’t move. Didn’t respond. I couldn’t think . Fog grew in my mind, and only one thought penetrated it.
I’ll never be free.
Jax inhaled sharply, then took a tentative step my way. “Elowen? Are you all right?”
But I barely heard him. Twilight lit the sky in a dusky glow, and I gazed upward at the shining moons.
Trembles began to rack my body. I thought of my calendar. Thought of how I crossed off one day each morning. For full seasons I’d been counting the days until my freedom was won and my life truly began.
But it’d all been a lie, a cruel, vicious joke that my guardian had played. He’d probably been laughing at me all along, smirking over the eager lorafin child who had gazed up at him with adoration and every intention of pleasing him. All so that one day, the collar would be removed, she could be a daughter and daughter only, and she could finally ask the semelees what became of her mother so that mystery could be laid to rest.
Now, I’ll never know.
And that was all because Guardian Alleron had chosen to make my collar irremovable. He’d always held the lock to my freedom, but he’d willingly thrown the key away the moment he commanded the collar’s forger to make my collar permanent.
Now, I would never be able to perform a calling for myself. I would never be able to ask the semelees what happened to my family. I couldn’t when the collar suppressed my magic so much. For a lorafin to request a calling of her own, she had to be able to command the semelees fully similar to what was needed to twist fate, and because of the restrictive collar, I’d never been able to.
Wind blew over my cheeks, feathering across my stinging eyes.
Only feet away, Jax continued to watch me. He stared at me with the intensity of a blazing sun, his attention firmly fixated on my face as his pulsing aura flowed out of him .
Cursing, Jax shot daggers at my guardian, then waved toward a tent and said gruffly, “Elowen, you’re sleeping in here. Come. You should rest.”
Numbness continued to seep through me, but I automatically stumbled forward on stiff limbs.
“Elowen!” Guardian Alleron called hoarsely.
My entire body froze mid-step, but before I could respond, Jax snarled and rounded on him. “ You don’t speak to her. You never speak to her again unless I command it .”
The power in those enraged words cascaded through the air.
Guardian Alleron’s lips clamped close, his eyes bulging when Jax’s commanding Mistvale magic speared him.
I watched his struggle, and it felt as though I observed him from a great distance even though he was only a body length away. He stared at me, mouth opening and closing, but robbed of voice when trying to speak to me, he banged his head against the tree, then bared his teeth at Jax.
But I didn’t feel pity for him. I would have earlier, but now...
Now, I felt nothing.
The numbness spread, moving like an icy river through my chest, along my limbs, down to my toes, and burrowing deep into my bones.
Guardian Alleron lied to me. Lied through his teeth to me since I was a child.
Stiffly, I walked past him .
His eyes stayed on me, stayed pleading, but I refused to acknowledge him.
Nothing. I felt nothing, because I was nothing, and I had no one.
I was entirely alone now.
Vibrations strummed along my collar—the collar I would never be rid of. Somehow, I managed to cross the distance to the tent even though it felt as if I was floating.
Jax’s brow furrowed, and I could have sworn that beneath his mask, his jaw was working. Hand gently encircling my forearm, Jax’s warm fingers met my cool skin, yet I barely felt it.
“Elowen?” An ache filled that one word. “Would you like to see him suffer for what he’s done to you?”
I looked at him blankly.
“Elowen?” he said hoarsely.
“Do whatever you deem fit.”
Jax gave a curt nod, and magic speared from him to cloud around Guardian Alleron. I could feel the Dark Raider’s vengeance. It coated the air, snaking around my guardian like vicious, deadly serpents.
A look of sheer panic coated my guardian’s face. His head whipped around, more silent screams coming from him. For a brief second, he thrashed against his restraints but then stopped when Bowan’s magic cut into him, and fresh blood rose.
“What did you do?” I asked, not even sure if I cared .
“I took his sight and ability to hear in addition to his voice. He currently has no senses other than taste and smell, but I could take those too. And now?—”
Guardian Alleron abruptly twitched and thrashed, sheer terror and agony twisting his features.
“And now, I’m causing him pain. He currently feels like he’s being burned and stabbed.”
“At the same time?”
“Yes.”
Shrugging, I moved automatically into the tent.
Inside, a soft mat had been placed on the floor. Bundles of furs and blankets lay on top of it. There weren’t two distinguished sleeping areas. It was all one large pile, but considering all that had happened, it was the least of my concerns.
I would now eat, sleep, travel, and exist wherever Jax told me to. He now controlled me and my guardian fully, even if he’d never wanted to.
I fell to my knees amidst the thick, soft furs. Shivers ran through me. A part of me knew I was cold, but...I didn’t care.
I listened to Guardian Alleron’s thrashing limbs that beat and thumped against the ground just outside of the tent. It was the only sound of his torture.
And I thought of how that male had molded me into the female I was today.
A dutiful lorafin—his prized trinket.
It was all I would ever be.
I lay down and stared up at the tent’s ceiling. Soon the pounding thumps of my guardian’s agony drifted away on the wind. I no longer heard them as the numbness spread.
Shivers continued hitting me intermittently as I stared at the billowing canvas above. Outside, darkness grew as twilight bled into night, and I thought of what else Jax had said today.
“I know that your guardian claims that she left you.”
A thought suddenly struck me, and I bolted upright, the first rush of warmth cascading through my limbs that I’d felt since Jax’s questioning had begun.
“Jax?” I called.
In a blink, he was there, at the tent’s opening. “Yes?”
“Can you ask him what he knows about my mother?”
He gave a curt nod, and I lay back down, biting my lip as the feel of Jax’s magic again speared the air. “ What do you know of Elowen’s birth mother? You may speak only to answer my questions .”
I waited on bated breath, and a surge of hope began to rise up in me. Maybe he knew who she was. Maybe he knew where I could find her. Maybe he’d known all along and had been lying about that too, and there was still hope that I would one day locate her.
A hiss came, then my guardian said slowly, as though the words were pried from his lips. “She’s...dead.”
A clash of pain exploded inside my chest. She’s dead. Vicious vibrations zapped along my throat, coiling all the way around my heart. My mother’s dead.
“ How did she die ?” Jax asked in a deadly tone .
“I killed her.”
My heart stopped.
It just . . . stopped.
“ How did you kill her ?”
“I saw her bathing in a stream in the Wood with Elowen lying on a blanket near the stream’s edge. I saw Elowen’s shadow mark and realized what she was, so I drowned her mother and then took Elowen.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to hear more. I couldn’t. Pain barreled through me. Intense, vicious, all-consuming pain.
I couldn’t bear it. I fell back on the furs, my heart reeling.
A disgusted sound came from Jax. “I knew it. You’re the worst kind of fucking scum that walks in this realm.”
Rustling sounds came from the other males. They spoke quietly, their voices blending together in concealed rough whispers. I didn’t try to discern any of it.
Because my heart was ripping in two. I was being killed from the inside out.
Not only had my guardian made me a permanent slave, but he’d murdered my mother and then claimed my entire life that she abandoned me.
I knew I could ask Jax to reveal the details. He could force my guardian to tell me all of the gruesome facts of what had transpired the day my guardian had taken me. The day he murdered my mother .
But I didn’t want to know. Because the thought of hearing anything further about her last moments of life...
I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter.
The tent’s flap lifted a moment later, and I opened my eyes in time to see Jax hesitantly step inside.
His mask still covered him, his bandana was still in place, yet the raw emotion pounding in his aura was anything but hidden.
“Elowen...are you okay?” Jax’s deep tone cut through the quiet. He stood there, waiting for me to reply, but I remained silent. Harshly, he ran a hand over his bandana before saying gruffly, “No, of course you’re not okay. What a stupid question.”
He toed closer to me, as though afraid he would spook me if he got too close. Sapphire eyes glittered in the firelight as he watched me. “I’m sorry,” he finally said, and strangely, he seemed to mean that.
For the briefest moment, my attention drifted to the Dark Raider. He stood hunched over, since the tent was too low for his full height. Inching away from the middle, I gave him room and then turned on my side and stared at the tent’s wall.
The tent’s canvas billowed in front of me, the material flapping lightly in the wind. Sounds from the other tents drifted to my ears. Quiet conversations. A few grunts as the other males settled onto their sleeping furs. But then all fell silent. I didn’t even hear Guardian Alleron. I’d tuned him out completely.
Jax finally settled behind me, his large body making the furs and blankets dip in his direction. “Stars, Elowen, I’m so sorry. Truly, I am. I know your entire realm was just shattered.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “It’s okay. That’s not your fault. I stupidly believed—” I shook my head.
The rustle of shifting furs came again, and then Jax’s energy pushed more into my back. He leaned over me, and a cloud of his fragrance enveloped me—spice and pine. “You believed what?”
I closed my eyes. “Nothing. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
Silence followed, but Jax’s energy strumming into my back kicked up a notch. “What if it matters to me?”
Matters to him?
Those three tiny words stirred something inside me, worming through my broken heart until I turned to face him, slightly surprised to find him so close.
He still wore his black clothes, mask, and bandana. All of him was concealed from me. All except for his eyes. Dazzling cerulean irises gazed at me in the dying firelight. He had beautiful eyes, a myriad of varying blue shades.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Even if it did matter to you, Jax, nothing changes.”
Energy pulsed from him. His hand lifted, and he trailed a finger along my collar.
The intimate gesture stole my breath.
“I know there’s nothing I can do to bring back your mother, and I know you think you’ll never be rid of this.” His words turned rough. Sharp. Magic pulsed from his hands, even stronger than before, and a part of me wondered if he’d tempered his power when we first met, as if he’d deliberately kept himself at bay so as not to frighten me when I’d awoken in his tent yesterday morning. “And perhaps that’s true, but that doesn’t mean you can never be free of him .” He growled the last word, and the pulsing energy from him kicked up even more.
Jax pulled the adaptor from his pocket and ran his finger along the purple gem. He had long fingers, strong hands, yet he held the adaptor gently. But unlike when Guardian Alleron touched it, the purple stone in its center didn’t begin to glow. “Without your guardian’s fingerprint, this doesn’t control you anymore.”
“It still contains me.”
“True, it does.”
“I tried to tell you that, and that without my guardian wielding it, I’m of no use to you, but you didn’t listen.”
“You’re right. I didn’t.” He shook his head and sighed roughly. “I hate to ask you this, Elowen, especially after what you learned tonight, but will you still help me? Will you still travel to the Veiled Between if I ask you to, even learning what you did tonight? Your guardian will have to wield this for me, but I can assure you he’ll never hurt you again.”
An ache shook his voice, and I wondered who he wanted to find so fiercely that his goal had never wavered. No matter all that had happened in the past two days, Jax’s sole purpose for taking me was still his guiding light.
“You could just command it of me, Jax. Your Mistvale magic would ensure I stay obedient.” It would be so easy for this male to control me. He could make me his puppet, his forever dutiful servant.
Yet even that thought didn’t instill any emotion in me. Not even a flicker of terror. It was as though nothing mattered anymore.
“I don’t want to do that,” he said gruffly. “Not just do I not want to, but I won’t do that to you. My psychic magic is...evil. Only those who are just as vile will ever feel its wrath. And you, you’re an innocent in all of this, Elowen. You don’t deserve that.”
“Even though I struck you?”
He chuffed softly. “I deserved that for all I’ve done to you.”
A flicker of relief coursed through me, just the barest glimmer since the numbness had spread.
Jax’s brow furrowed, and his voice dipped. “I’ve been telling you all along, Elowen. I’m not going to hurt you.”
My gaze shot to his. Startling blue eyes met mine, and for the first time since he’d taken me...I believed him, truly believed him.
Something inside me shifted. Softened. Maybe I was crazy, desperate even to make some kind of sense amidst all this chaos. And perhaps I was just making another stupid, na?ve decision, but I looked at him in a different light.
“Who do you want me to find, Jax?” I whispered.
His eyes dimmed. “Somebody very important to me.”
“But . . . who ?”
A single breath heaved his chest. “I can’t tell you. I’m sorry, but nobody can know who they are. Not even you.”
My brow furrowed, and a moment of silence passed between us, but the forlorn energy surrounding the Dark Raider couldn’t be faked. It was too raw. Too visceral.
And maybe it was feeling that aching emotion he had for another—love, no doubt. Because what else but love could form a response like that...Vengeance certainly couldn’t. No, it had to be love. Somebody he loved had gone missing. And it was a love powerful enough that he’d ventured to my kingdom, stalked me for weeks, and then had taken me when the opportunity presented itself. Even though I’d been King Paevin’s favorite pet, Jax had still risked it.
He’d done all of that for love.
And maybe it was knowing love like that existed, even if it was something nobody would ever feel for me, that had me nodding my head.
“Yes, I’ll still help you, Jax.”
“You will?” he replied gruffly, hope evident in those two words.
“Yes, I will.”
A breath escaped him, a huge sigh of relief. “Thank you, Elowen.”
“Don’t thank me yet. I haven’t found anyone. ”
“But you said you will.”
“When I can.”
“How much longer will you need to recover from the last callings before performing another?”
A heartbeat of silence passed between us. I knew I could lie. I could prolong it, tell him that it would be weeks until I could, but...I didn’t want to lie. For the first time, I felt that I was being given a choice about my callings. As though that fragile truce that had been born between us was growing stronger, more resilient, and I didn’t want to shatter whatever understanding was being formed between us.
“Honestly, I probably could do one the day after tomorrow.”
Eyes glittering, his aura rose sharply. Jax lifted the adaptor. “Your guardian will need to wield this to make that happen, but once he finishes, I can command him never to use it again without your permission. That is the gift I can give you for helping me in addition to letting you go.”
I managed a small smile, even though inside it still felt like I was breaking. It was the best he could offer, and he and I both knew it.
“All right, our deal is settled.”
Jax nodded and finally lowered himself to the furs until he was lying beside me. I shifted to face him, then placed both hands beneath my cheek. He studied the adaptor, holding it up in the dying light, so I studied his profile.
He lay on his back, and the outline of his face was more discernible beneath his mask in his current position, and I wondered if he was even aware of that. He had a straight nose, not long but not short either. A strong nose, one might say, and his jaw appeared defined with how the cloth draped over it.
“How often does he use this on you?” he asked quietly.
I shrugged. “Whenever he wants me to do a calling. Or, when he wants to severely punish me. The adaptor can also hurt me, like what happened yesterday to me in the Wood.”
His gaze whipped to mine. “He punishes you with this?” he all but snarled.
I took an unsteady breath. Rage pounded from Jax, filling the tent. “Not often, but he has.”
He took a deep breath, then lay back but his chest still lifted too quickly, and it felt as though he was struggling to control himself. “And how often does he demand callings?”
“Twice a week at most. That’s the maximum my magic allows, but usually only a couple of times per month.”
He took another deep breath, his eyes narrowing, and a puff of magic emitted from him. Outside, Guardian Alleron’s thrashes increased.
Another moment passed, and Jax finally broke the quiet once again. “And each time he uses this, you venture to the Veiled Between?”
“Yes.”
“And how long have you been doing this for him?”
“Since I was a child. ”
His head snapped in my direction once more, the adaptor falling to his side. “Since you were a child ?”
I nodded, and the magic inside me warmed, reacting to the stirring energy swarming around Jax. A slight vibration hummed along my neck, and Jax took a deep breath and relaxed his shoulders, but his voice was still gruff when he said, “I’ve been told that when lorafins travel to the Veiled Between, it can be dangerous, that some become lost.”
“That’s true.”
“And that if one becomes lost in the Veiled Between, her soul is forever linked to the semelees.”
My breaths sped up. “That’s also what they say.”
“And has that ever been the case with you? Have you ever come close to becoming lost?”
I closed my eyes and fought off the horrific images that came. All the times that my guardian had pushed me reared in my memories. He’d forced me to learn my magic and wield it when I was so young and still didn’t fully understand it myself. Just the other day, when I’d done three callings for the king, I feared that I would become lost.
But I hadn’t been. The collar’s horrific shocks had pulled me back.
I licked my lips, and Jax followed the movement, his eyes dipping to watch my tongue dart out. “There’ve been many times.”
He grew still, so still I wondered if he was breathing. “Many times?” he repeated.
I nodded. “This is what saved me from becoming fully detached.” I rubbed along the collar again. “I suppose in a way, it’s both a blessing and a curse. The collar keeps me grounded. It’s forced my soul back into my body so many times I’ve lost count.” I didn’t tell him that the collar was also responsible for the unbearable side effects that plagued me every time I did a calling. Part of what kept me grounded was the collar connecting me to the fairy who was demanding the calling, and that connection meant I suffered from the fairy’s magic.
Jax inhaled a long, deep breath.
I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth to nibble on, and again, his eyes tracked the movement. “Do you know I’d planned to remove myself from our culture once I was free of it? I was going to live in the Wood, free and alone without my collar, until I knew for certain that I wouldn’t hurt anyone, then I thought I’d return to my guardian. I thought I’d truly be the daughter he never had.” My breath caught.
Jax’s gaze became so intent that for a moment, I couldn’t speak.
I shook my head. “I guess that won’t happen anymore.”
“Why do you think you need to isolate yourself without that collar?”
My memories turned to what I’d done as a child, to that horrific moment that had defined me and allowed the supernatural courts to make me Guardian Alleron’s indefinite property until he or I proved I was safe to be free otherwise. “Because of my magic. Even as a child, I couldn’t be trusted. ”
“Is that what he told you?” Jax growled.
“No. It’s what I did as a child that proved that. It had nothing to do with Guardian Alleron.” A flush worked up my cheeks. “But I was a fool to believe I would ever be given a chance to prove that I was no longer a danger to others. I was a fool to believe I would ever be free.”
“No, you’re not a fool. Whatever happened, you were just a child.”
“No lorafin is ever truly a child,” I whispered.
“And whatever happened, did your guardian try to help you?”
I ran a finger along my collar. “He put this on.”
Jax’s eyes hardened. “So he enslaved you to him with that collar, and you trusted him because he was the only thing you ever knew.” His voice softened. “He took advantage of your innocence, Elowen. That doesn’t make you a fool. That makes him a—” He took a deep breath, and swirling magic stirred around him anew.
I closed my eyes again, not wanting to hear it. Because while a part of me felt incredibly betrayed by Guardian Alleron, I also felt other things for him. I couldn’t help that. He’d been like a father to me, even if our relationship could be tumultuous at times. He’d cared for me, nourished me, and provided me with clothes and a home when I had no one. He truly was my father, even though we shared no blood, and a part of me still clung to him because of that, wanting to believe that some part of him did love me, even if he’d hurt me and murdered my mother.
I brought a hand to my forehead and scrubbed my eyes. My feelings for Guardian Alleron had always been twisted and complicated, but the truth was, he was the only family I’d ever had. But the irony of that wasn’t lost on me. He was my only family because he murdered my mother.
Jax’s voice fell to a whisper. “He’s used you for your entire life, Elowen. Filled your head with lies, seduced you with his sweet words, but he’s nothing but an evil snake.”
My brow furrowed, and one thought and one thought only penetrated my mind.
He’s right.
Silence again reigned in our tent as soft snores from the one next to us filled my ears, yet despite being tired, despite pain still running through me, I couldn’t relax.
It seemed Jax couldn’t either. He lay still, his breathing deep and even. Yet despite our silence, he continued watching me. Watched me so closely that once again, it felt as though he saw into me.
Sitting up, I finally undid the braids that I’d been wearing for the past two days. Jax watched that too, his intent gaze upon each of my fingers threading through my hair until my long chestnut strands tumbled down my back.
His throat bobbed in a swallow, his mask not hiding that. “You’re absolutely beautiful, Elowen,” he said so softly that I almost didn’t hear him. “And I can see that you’re not just beautiful on the outside but on the inside too. Despite everything he’s done to you, your heart is still good.”
Jax closed his eyes before I could fully process his tender words, and once I did, my heart pounded, my breaths turning shallow.
Sinking back onto the furs, I closed my eyes and let Jax’s heat warm my side. And when I finally drifted off to sleep, it was only to dream of masked fae, a yearning for a family I would never have, and inevitably being lost in the Veiled Between.