Chapter 20 Solana
SOLANA
I’m in a daze as I follow Silver into his house.
We’re as demure as can be about it—sitting up straight in his truck for the rest of the drive and letting the miles pass in silence. When he pulls up to his driveway, we get out like it’s another mundane afternoon and we haven’t come to the agreement we have.
Silver walks half a pace in front of me, his broad shoulders tense and his keys dangling from his right hand. I can’t help studying his gait, noting how he walks as if he’s always in command of a situation.
…even now.
Even as he gives into what he’s been denying for so long.
But I’m not sorry about making him confront it—I stand by everything I’ve said and done. What happened between me and Kel helped me realize I can’t be a sitting duck anymore. I can’t be passive and let things happen to me.
I can’t wait for LA either. I need to be the woman I want to be now.
That means learning to be confident. That means going after what I want and taking what’s been stolen from me back on my terms.
Silver has quickly become the only person in my life who sees me. He’s the only person I trust as I go through this metamorphosis.
Which is exactly what makes him the perfect man for me.
He unlocks the door and we step inside still silent, an air of uncertainty between us. The sudden hot passion we’d had in the car has cooled enough that I can tell he’s doubting this.
I would be too if it were a week ago. But things are different now—killing Kel, defending myself in a life or death situation against him, changed me.
“Solana,” Silver says once we’re in the entry hall.
He runs a hand through his hair and then pins me with his startlingly blue-eyed stare.
“You called me out in the truck, so I’m gonna give it to you straight.
There’s nothing I would like more than to take you in my arms, carry you up to my room, kiss you all over your body, and honestly?
Fuck you so good you’ll remember me for the rest of your life.
“I’ve fantasized about all the things I want to do to you—as wrong or inappropriate as it might be—I’ve had those fantasies.
But I’ve also had you on my mind just about every damn waking moment too.
I’ve beat the shit out of a man and buried a body for you.
That’s just scratching the surface of the lengths I’m willing to go to in order to protect you.
I want you in every way I was never meant to want a woman like you.
I’m done denying any of that. But after everything you’ve been through, the last thing I’m gonna do is pressure you into anything.
This goes how you want it to go. I’m here to be whatever you need me to be. ”
He finishes his confession by holding my gaze captive, by owning every word he’s uttered as he tosses his keys on the entryway table and shoves both hands into his denim pockets.
Your move.
I blink, taken aback by him vocalizing exactly what I need; him volunteering to be what I need.
It’s confirmation this is right, even as Silver admits it could be wrong—or that others would view it that way.
But those people don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. No one knows what goes on between us. They don’t have the feelings we do and aren’t in our shoes.
It’s easy to judge from the outside when you’re not experiencing what that person is.
I fight the urge to smile as I look up at him and these thoughts sink in.
“I need you to be the man who I experiment with,” I say candidly, my heart beating harder.
“Everything that’s happened has made me realize I don’t want to be the girl letting people walk all over me.
I don’t want to be the victim things happen to.
I want to be the one making things happen.
But… but I don’t know how. I mean I… I’m new to things, and I want to discover them on my terms. Not because some creep drugged me and took them from me. ”
“Solana—”
“That was my first experience,” I interrupt, sighing shakily and folding my arms. “But it won’t be my last, and I want my real first experience to be with you. The person I trust most.”
Silver stares at me a moment longer, his gaze hardening in the protective way I’ve grown used to. Then he gives a firm nod.
“Then you tell me what you want,” he says. “Tell me where to go from here.”
This time, I can’t resist the small smile that lights up my face. “That easy?”
His eyes flicker with humor. “That easy. I figure if you’re gonna use me for my body, then I might as well make it as easy as possible for you.”
“Very funny. But something tells me you don’t mind being used for your body so much.”
“That’s true. Not when it’s by the woman that’s been on my mind nonstop, 24/7.”
“You’re serious when you say that?” I ask. “You’ve been thinking about me?”
“You think that’s something I’d lie about?”
I can’t help the smile that rounds my cheeks. Looking up at Silver, noticing how the hard angles of his face only make him more masculine and sexy, I know every word he’s said is the truth.
He really has thought about me as often as he says; he really does want this moment to be about what I want.
It’s night and day from the situation with Kel, where I was drunk and drugged and couldn’t form a coherent sentence, let alone give my consent.
With Silver, it’s all about my consent—my choice and decisions drive how this goes.
It couldn’t be sexier. It couldn’t make my heart flutter more knowing how right I am to trust him.
“I want you to kiss me. Then… I… I want you to take me to your bed,” I say softly but bravely.
His eyes twinkle with light humor and satisfaction, as if he’d like nothing more.
He doesn’t need any more direction as he bows his head and captures my lips. He kisses me tenderly on the mouth, but make no mistake—the tenderness in his kiss doesn’t mean there’s no passion behind it.
It’s literally the opposite. His mouth feels like hot fire the second it’s on mine.
He quickly shows me how he has the power to burn me up. Make me feel hot and feverish from the inside out as he lifts me effortlessly off the ground.
My legs seek out his waist, wrapping around him like they belong there. His hands grip the backs of my thighs, fingers pressing into my skin through the denim of my jeans, his touch firm and reassuring.
More heat pulses through me. Yet another reminder that Silver’s the right man.
He’s the only man I’d want this sort of moment with.
We’re kissing as Silver moves us through his house, carrying me upstairs to his bedroom. His chest muscles flex against me, our mouths aligned.
I can’t stop kissing him. I don’t even want to stop as my fingers thread through his hair and then rest at the nape of his neck, and he deepens our kiss with a throaty groan.
We bump into the doorframe as we make the final turn into his bedroom. He chuckles against my lips, the husky sound so attractive in and of itself.
It’s clear we’re both uncertain and navigating this moment on the fly. We’re going into this completely trusting each other.
Some would say Silver’s excuses were correct—I’ve simply trauma bonded to him or I’m seeking out some comfort when I should be focusing on stuff like therapy.
But they’d be wrong. They don’t have the first clue what it’s like or what I feel.
I’ve gone from being gaslit by friends and having my experiences downplayed. I was preyed on and made to feel like I didn’t have any choice in what happens.
This is me shattering that narrative; this is me taking control of my life in a way that feels right and safe for me.
Silver’s tongue sweeps into my mouth, tasting and claiming me in a way that makes my body come alive. I arch into him, the heat between us so intense it’s almost dizzying.
One of his hands slides under my shirt, his rough palm on my bare, delicate spine, and a sharp spark jolts through me.
It’s more heat, except this time I shudder as we kiss deeply but slowly.
That’s what I come to learn from Silver about this moment—every move is slow and nuanced, even with the burning passion.
He’s going at a pace that illustrates how I’m his focus. My comfort and safety come first.
I’m lowered onto his bed, the mattress dipping with my weight. He follows me down, his body covering mine. He braces himself on one forearm, his other hand cupping my face as he kisses me even slower, like he’s savoring every second.
When he finally pulls back, his blue eyes are dark, searching mine.
“What do you want now, baby?” he asks, his voice lower than usual, rougher around the edges. “Tell me what else you want.”
My heart flutters inside my chest. Some nerves mixed with excitement.
I admit as bold and confident as I’m trying to be, I’m still a little bashful. I’ve never done anything like this before.
But I do know that this moment couldn’t feel more different than anything with Kel. Even when sober, I never truly felt comfortable around him.
I was more concerned with impressing him. Getting him to like me.
When we started dancing at the club that dark Saturday night, I had wanted so badly for him to want me the way he’d pursued other girls.
…his approval seemed to mean so much in that moment.
Maybe that’s why I let my guard down. Maybe that’s why I trusted him and his friends as they fed me tequila shots laced with ketamine.
Even the morning after, when I woke up naked in his bed, I still wanted so badly to believe the situation could be fixed somehow.
Me, Shay, and Yvette could stay friends. Some date to the movies with Kel meant something.
But I was so wrong. I was trying to cover the tracks of what I knew deep down had happened to me…
Kel used me. He took advantage and tried again the night he showed up at my house and told me about the photos and videos.
I’m fully awake now. I’m aware that he and his friends weren’t good for me.