32. Willow
Chapter thirty-two
Willow
D ecember hit Grayling Pass hard and fast. Rose wasn't joking about the storms.
The sky turned grey and ominous as the days progressed, and the wind picked up, whipping ice shards into the windows. Snow began to pile up quickly, obscuring the hills and forests beyond. The days were shorter and shorter. I felt like I barely saw the sun. It was either night or cloudy.
One good thing about this was I had nothing to do but study. I spent my time curled up by the woodstove, working on my laptop. I'd passed every exam with higher grades than I'd ever had before.
I let out a long sigh and closed my laptop.
Dad should be home soon, I thought.
I forced myself up, wrapping a blanket around me and shuffling over to the window. Sometime between lunch and now, the snow stopped. It looked like a dreamland outside. The moonlight cascaded over the snow, making it look like diamonds.
I shivered. It felt like someone was watching me, but it couldn't be. No one would be out in this weather, but I'd felt like that for weeks now.
It was a strange sensation. It felt as if I was being followed, but no matter where I looked or how hard I tried to shake the feeling, nothing would change. Maybe I was just going crazy.
I shook my head, dispelling the thoughts from my mind. Nothing was out there but me and the vast expanse of frozen nothingness.
I sighed and looked over at the clock. Eight o'clock. Where could Dad be? His shift was supposed to end at six, and he usually had the decency to tell me if he was working late.
He was probably with his girlfriend, Amka.
I scowled, instantly hating both him and myself at the same time. How could he be over Mom? But why was I so mad at him for trying to move on? All of my emotions pulled me back and forth until I felt like my heart was going to tear in half.
I choked back the tears. I was tired. Tired of crying. Tired of being so useless.
I let my head fall forward against the window, letting the cold glass give me something to feel. With every breath in and out, the fog on the glass grew. I looked past my distorted reflection into the darkness beyond.
I could go for a walk and never come back. I'd probably been close to death the night the brothers made me walk in my underwear. I felt the cold in my bones just thinking of it. And then again, when I passed out on the path, and Rose found me. I could have been lost then, too.
I bit down on my lip and squeezed my eyes shut. Why the fuck didn't I just die. I should have died of a broken heart the day my mom passed away.
I could still remember her in the hospital bed, so pale and weak. No hair. A frail shadow of who she was.
The cancer had eaten away at her, taking her dignity, strength, and vitality. I couldn't bear to see her like that. She deserved better than to be hooked up to machines that kept her alive while we watched her slip away.
The worst part was that there was no way to avenge her. No way to get closure. Just... loss.
A moment later, headlights flashed through the frosty pane, illuminating the cabin's small living room before sliding toward the darkness again. Dad's truck rumbled to a stop in the front driveway. Maybe it was the driveway, but it was hard to tell what gravel and mud were under all the snow.
Dad got out of the truck, looking more exhausted than ever. He walked like a huge weight was bearing down on him.
"Hey, Dad," I said as he opened the door.
"Hey, Willow," he said, throwing his work bag on the floor and walking to his room.
"You ok?" I flipped the kettle on. "Do you want coffee?"
"No," he called. "I can't stay." Dad came back out with a duffle bag.
Dad's face was pale, and he had bags under his eyes. His eyes were a bit red like he'd been crying.
"Dad," I said, momentarily forgetting how angry I was at him. "What happened."
"Amka," he said.
"You broke up with her?" My heart leaped up.
"No," he said pointedly. "It's her ex-husband." He took a deep breath. "They found him dead in Fairbanks."
"What?" I gasped. "Dead? What happened?"
My father's expression grew somber. "A heart attack, I think. The coroner is working on a cause of death."
"Oh, Dad. I'm so sorry." I stepped closer, feeling a wave of sympathy crash over me. As much as I hated his girlfriend, I didn't want people to die.
"Thank you, Willow," he said, gaze distant as memories filled his eyes. "I'll need to leave right away. I have to help Amka and..."
There was a pause as if Dad was struggling with what to say — as if he didn't want to explain the details. I could see the pain on his face.
Dad turned and looked at me, a determined expression on his face. "I'm leaving for Fairbanks tonight. I won't be back for a few days. Amka has people she can stay with there, and I'll stay with her."
"You're leaving tonight?" I asked, surprised. "It's almost Christmas, and there's so much snow. The roads are blocked."
"Rose is calling in a favor to get us a ride with the morning supply shipment helicopter," he explained as he filled his bag with clothes.
I watched him, frozen, as he moved around the tiny cabin. He opened the fridge, grabbed a sandwich, and started eating it as he walked back and forth, packing and re-packing his bag.
"Dad, you just got back from work," I protested. "And it's snowing outside. Are you sure this is a good idea? It's Amka's ex-husband. You didn't even know him."
He looked at me, and I could see the pain and sadness in his eyes. "I have to be there for her, Willow."
Fury ignited in my gut. "Be there for her? How about being here for me?" I screamed, throwing my hands down against the counter. "Mom just died, and all you care about is some woman you've only known for a few months!"
Dad flinched as if I had slapped him across the face. He stopped moving, the sandwich dropping out of his hands to land with a thud on the worn wooden floor.
"Willow," he said in a quiet, broken voice. "Sweetheart, that's not true."
"No?" I snarled. "Then why aren't you here for me? For us? I don't even know who you are anymore! You work all the time, and when you're not working, you're with her." I couldn't keep the tears from streaming down my cheeks. "You loved mom. I know you did. So why are you moving on so fast?"
Dad looked at me, his expression pained. He walked over to me, and I tensed as he pulled me into a tight hug.
"Oh, Willow," he murmured into my hair. "I love you, but Mom is gone. We need to keep moving… for her sake."
I didn't hug back. I just closed my eyes as tears rolled down my cheeks. It was agony.
"Why are you doing this, Dad?" I whispered, pulling away from his embrace. "Why are you leaving? I thought you wanted to be here for me."
Dad looked frustrated and helpless. "I am here for you, Willow, but I need to be with Amka right now. And I can't help it if I have feelings for her. And she needs me, too."
I pushed away from him, glaring. "Then, go. Leave me here." I hissed.
"Willow," Dad tried.
I stomped to my room, slamming the door. I threw myself onto the bed, sobbing.
Dad left a few minutes later. The sound of the truck rattled through my body. I could hear his tires crunching ice as Dad drove away. I wouldn't see him for days.
My heart ached, sore and empty. My anger had faded away, leaving nothing but emptiness. I grabbed a nearby tissue and wiped my cheeks, my throat raw from sobs. I could feel a burning sensation behind my eyes.
How could he do this to me? Was he even my dad anymore?
One minute, he was crying at my mother's grave, saying that he'd never love anyone again, lost in sorrow. And now, he was leaving in the middle of the night to be with his girlfriend because her ex-husband croaked.
I shut my eyes and listened to the wind whistling through the trees. Somewhere in the distance, I heard the wolves howling.