Chapter Ten #3
But just looking at him made her feel that way.
She was so weak. Weak and exceedingly basic. But what did it matter? She was stuck on this island with him anyway. What did her pride have to do with any of this?
So she watched him. Those thick, muscular thighs, his washboard abs and incredibly powerful biceps.
“You go to the gym every day?”
He looked down from the tree, giving her a strange look while he gathered more fruit. “Often.”
“You’re very athletic.”
“I try to keep myself strong. Like I said, I’m trying to outlast my father. But life is cruel and brutal, and no amount of doing sit-ups every day is going to alleviate that.”
“I know,” she said.
“You do, I suppose. How old were you when your mother died?”
“Seven. She was lovely. At least as far as I remember. I was happy when I was with her. She loved me. You know, we aren’t the same, but I relate to you in this way.
For the first seven years of my life, I was allowed to be Birdie.
Simply as I am. But ever since my mother died, I’ve had to be something else.
I’ve had to dedicate myself to being useful for people who despise me.
I had to keep my head down and be invisible in the palace.
I don’t really know what it’s like to simply live either. ”
“And you won’t now. Because now you’re a queen.” He began to climb down the tree, a bushel of guava cradled in his arm. “And you are required to present a front, as I am.”
“I understand that.”
“I know you do.”
“But perhaps here we don’t. I think that you and I need to find some common ground.”
“We are on it,” he said, looking down between the two of them. Where they stood, barefoot on this rocky soil.
“You know what I mean. I don’t know you.
Not really. There were things that I thought I knew about you because I worked for you.
I will be very honest with you, I elevated you to a position that no man can live up to.
I fashioned you into my perfect fantasy because it gave me something to do.
And then I was shocked when you didn’t live up to that. ”
“Well, you understand now. Why I reacted to you the way that I did.”
“No,” she said, laughing. “I don’t. You were cruel by any metric.
I can’t say that I understand. But I can honestly say now that I shouldn’t have been surprised.
I fashioned you into a fantasy, and my fantasy man was going to understand everything that I did.
He was going to see my heart. But you aren’t that man. You are hard and—”
“Ignorant and arrogant. Envious, as well, so I have heard.”
“Yes,” she said. “And so now I’ve been very angry at you. But perhaps I need to get to know the man you really are. And you need to get to know the woman that I am. Especially since we’re going to live together.”
“I never got to know Circe.”
She frowned. “Not at all?”
“No. We couldn’t find common ground, as it happens. She was a good queen. She served our people. She made good changes. She hated being my wife. She didn’t like me. I’m not sure that I liked her.”
“Well, I can understand that. I’m not sure that I like you either.”
“Good news. If my first marriage proved anything it’s that two people can be married for quite some time without liking one another.”
“True. But a counterpoint. I don’t want to live that way.
I was so exhausted earlier because I was thinking about how this is just more of the same.
How I have been forced to live in homes where I’m unwanted, disliked.
And here I am again. Your unwanted queen.
I don’t want to do it. I want us to like each other.
And maybe the difference between you and I, and you and Circe, is that we do have a child on the way.
I would rather not despise my child’s father. I would rather he didn’t despise me.”
“You make a good point.”
“I often do. Which you would discover if you spent a little bit less time hating me.”
“I’m not sure that I hate you.”
“Oh. You aren’t sure. Well, how nice for me.”
“Nothing is going to change the fact that my first responsibility is to the country. My second will be to the child.”
Something uncomfortable shifted inside of her. “Your first responsibility should be to your child,” she said.
“Perhaps in an ideal world. But this is not an ideal world. It is a monarchy. And I am unable to offer something substantially different than what was offered to me.”
“Did your father put the country first?”
Onyx looked away. “My father was a wonderful man. Everything he did, was for the good of everyone. He raised me to be his heir. Raised me to be exactly what he needed me to be. I am forever grateful to him. Because he died when I was so young, and all that was left were his lessons. Yes, I am extremely grateful to have those lessons.”
“Let’s have dinner tonight,” he said. “You and I.”
She reached out and took a guava from the crook of his arm. “We could have dinner right now.”
“No. I want to learn more about you. You are right. There is no reason for the two of us to be at odds.”
“So everything must be a plan. You can’t just be?”
“No,” he said. “I can’t. That is what it means to be king.” He deposited the guavas into her arms, and began to walk away from her. Leaving her standing there with an armful of fruit.
“See you at dinner,” she said.
She couldn’t quite decide then if she had gotten the upper hand, or if she had somehow made things worse by allowing herself to see something of the actual man.
It was easier to hate him. Easier to resent him for what he had made her feel.
It was much more complicated to acknowledge that much in the same way she was, he was simply a product of everything that life had made him into.