Chapter 23 #2
I sat on the other end of the phone, feeling every bit as dirty and whorish as I’m sure she thought I was. Wanting to die, I fell deeper into an abyss that was only growing by the second. I never really understood that shame could radiate so thickly through a person and consume them.
“I’ll give my husband a call. I think you’re right. It may be best for you to stay here while you’re waiting. The sooner this ends, the better. Give me an hour, and I will call you back.”
“Thank you,” I said, wishing the universe would open up and swallow me.
About an hour later, she called me back. “Christopher and I would be happy to host you in our home. The sooner, the better. How does tomorrow work?”
“That would be amazing. I appreciate it so much. I’ll let Alek and Nik know tonight. Thank you.”
We hung up with a timeline in place. Now to let the guys know. I went looking for them and found them gathered in the study. They grew quiet the minute they saw me. Sebastian and Marcel were there as well, though I was relieved not to see Ivan. It would be easier this way.
“Can we have a family meeting, minus Ivan?” I asked quietly.
“What’s going on, kitten?” Everyone shifted their attention to me.
“I spoke with your mother,” I began, looking at both him and Nik to gauge their reaction. Alek looked concerned, while Nik was amused. “I went with the lie I started last night about having an audition coming up. I asked your mother if I could stay with them while I wait.”
“Why, baby girl?” Nik’s amusement had disappeared, replaced with confusion.
“I have to go, to disappear, anyway. I can’t stay another day, and…and this is Ivan’s home.”
“Ivan will manage, Kinsley,” Alek huffed.
“But he isn’t managing. We spoke earlier today, and he’s not okay. Ask yourself if you didn’t care about me as you do, would you want him to be tormented by me every day? When have you ever seen him act like this?” The weight of my words created an uncomfortable tension that lingered.
“She has a point, gentlemen,” Marcel spoke up on my behalf. My eyes met his, and I could tell he was torn between being proud of me and worried I would pull away.
“It’s not like you won’t know where I am. I promise to follow every single rule you have for me here, over there. I won’t do anything stupid to jeopardize the plan. Please,” I begged them.
Nik and Alek looked at each other. I could tell they didn’t like it but knew I spoke the truth. “If we agree, there would be conditions,” Alek finally said.
My voice quivered as I asked, “What conditions?”
“The ones we’ll be discussing in private. Go to your room. I’ll be by later to discuss them with you,” Alek huffed, dismissing me.
“Alek,” I said, wanting to know what conditions he was going to discuss and why I couldn’t be there.
“Kinsley, I swear now is not the time for arguments. Please, you’ve given us a lot to think about. I didn’t even think you and my mother were close enough for you to reach out like that. I’m not sure how I feel.”
I nodded, unable to explain that it wasn’t about feeling close to her at all. It was more about her willingness to take me in so I didn’t further destroy their family. He wouldn’t want to hear that.
He called me over for a kiss and then said, “Go on, now, I’ll come see you later.”
After leaving the guys, I knew what I needed to do next. The hallway to Pasha’s room seemed longer than usual, or maybe it was my fear of losing him again that made it seem so.
Why did my footsteps feel so heavy?
The soft carpet against my bare feet did nothing to silence the pounding of my heart.
I paused at his door, running my fingers along the cool surface, trying to ground myself somehow.
If he left right away and joined his group on tour, then I’d be saying my first real goodbye.
I hesitated for a moment, not wanting to rush this.
The faint hum of music played from inside his room, which meant he was in there. Taking a deep breath, I knocked, the sound pathetic and barely audible.
All the urgency I had left the drawing room with had disappeared, and now I stood outside the door shaking. He must not have heard me the first time, because I had to force myself to knock again, louder this time.
This is important, stupid.
It was crucial he knew. This would give him the opportunity to make arrangements to leave earlier if he wanted. A moment later, the door opened. My breath caught in my throat, and I saw him not as the man he was but as my childhood friend and confidant.
“Hey,” he said with a curious look, stepping aside to let me in.
The room smelled like him, a mix of cedar and citrus, and it enveloped me like a warm hug. It was cozy looking, filled with soft lighting and the comforting clutter of someone who didn’t like to clean up. A pair of sweats lay discarded near the bed, the ones he was probably wearing earlier today.
“Do you have a minute?” My heart was heavy, but I braced myself, hoping he’d understand.
“Mouse, of course. What’s up?” he asked, closing his door.
I sat down on the chaise lounge and pulled one of the plush cushions into my arms for something to steady myself with.
Pasha followed me, his expression filled with concern.
He took the seat next to me, and I sighed.
He had become familiar once again, and my heart ached knowing I was going to lose him.
He turned to face me, his brow furrowed. “What’s on your mind?” he asked, sensing the unease.
It was now or never. I gathered my thoughts and rehearsed everything once more. “I’ve made a difficult decision today,” I began, my voice trembling. “I need to go away for a bit. I need some time to think, and Ivan—well, you’ve seen him.”
Pasha’s brown eyes filled with understanding. He leaned forward, his full attention on me. “I have seen him. Are you sure, Mouse?”
I nodded, feeling emotional at the thought of leaving the house. “Yes, I’ve thought about nothing else today. It’s the right thing to do.”
He seized the opportunity and became excited.
“So come with me. I was going to talk to you, anyway. They’ve added some extra dates to my tour.
I’m serious. You belong on stage—with me.
” He took my hand. “When we dance, the world fades away. I’ve never experienced that with anyone else.
Not even my fiancée.” His eyes bored into mine, and my heart fell into my stomach because it was the same for me.
“In another life, maybe, but I can’t.” A heavy sense of sadness washed over me. I was left with an ache so deep I couldn’t hold back the tears.
“You keep saying things like that. I wish you’d talk to me. It’s almost like you’re afraid.”
“I am in so many ways. I wish I could travel back in time and not go to that audition.”
“So, something was off about it?”
My vocal cords froze, rendering me speechless. The memories were too raw, the trauma too deep. I nodded, my eyes dropping to the floor as I fought back tears.
“I hate that you were torn from my life,” he said; his voice broke, surprising me. He turned and cradled my face in his hands.
“Do you know what I missed most about our dancing together?” I asked after a few minutes.
“What?”
“The feeling of flying. Remember that one move we used to do with the aerial straps? The one where I would lie on it, and you would roll me toward you, and then we were twirling into the air.”
His eyes came alive, and I knew he was envisioning it too.
“Yes, and then you would wrap your arm around me and free-fall drop. I had to hold you by my feet. You were always so tiny that I would count it out. One: hand on my back; two: at my knees; and three: feet under your arms, and hold.” He laughed at the memory.
“Oh my goodness.” I laughed. “I remember you actually counting it out like that.”
“Well, after I dropped you that one time, I was so sick that I vowed never to let it happen again. But my favorite thing ever was to hold on to your wrists while you twirled upside down. I could watch you spin for days, your hair flying around you. You were so tiny and graceful.”
Hugging him tight, I closed my eyes and wished a thousand times over for what our lives could have been. I pulled back, pushing his brown hair off his forehead.
“We were magical, weren’t we? I want you to know that I followed your journey.
I’ve probably watched every one of your videos on YouTube a million times.
Every duet you did, I imagined it was me.
With the time remaining that I have with you, I want to practice our fathers’ style of dance. Can you reteach me?”
“Are you kidding? I’d be honored. However, I should tell you it’ll make letting you go that much harder. It’s never felt right with anyone other than you. Please tell me why you won’t go away with me?”
Emotion laced every word, soft and trembling, his accent thickening the way it always did when the truth lived too close to the surface. It broke me.
“Awe, Mouse. Don’t cry,” he murmured as he wrapped his strong arms around me.
“There are so many things you don’t know, and I love you so much. And for that reason, I can’t tell you. I hate this.”
“I won’t give up asking. I hope you know that,” he breathed, rubbing my back.
“I know,” I whispered.
As my eyes closed, I surrendered to sleep. Vivid images unfurled before me. In my dreams, we were taking the stage as adults, as it should have always been. In perfect harmony, we defied gravity, soaring through the air with synchronized precision.
Every flip, twist, and spin seamlessly flowed. Time stood still, and among the crowd, applauding louder than any others, were our parents, looking at us with a sense of accomplishment and pride.