Chapter 52
Kinsley
Yellow
The reproach in his tone crushed me, and my heart sank.
It was an all-too-familiar twinge of frustration.
I let him down. I knew what I’d done wrong, but fixing it was easier said than done.
Alek and Ivan pulled their hands away. I panted, with my head hung down, feeling like I was going to have a panic attack.
Alek lifted my gaze as tears streamed down my cheeks. “Young lady, what is your safeword?” he asked.
“Krasnyy,” I cried, wiping the tears from my face. His grip on my hips was strong, and all I wanted to do was flee from the room. Sick waves of nausea threatened, and I broke out in a sweat.
“Baby girl, we can’t play with you if you won’t use your safeword. If you aren’t going to follow the rules, then you put yourself at risk of being hurt, and none of us want that,” Nik soothed.
I guessed I should have been thankful he wasn’t angry, although that was a foolish thought. Why would he be angry? We were still learning about one another. I knew this was important to him.
Anal play was something he enjoyed. That was no secret. I hadn’t put it on my hard-limit list because I wasn’t sure about it. I knew I didn’t want his fist up my ass. That was the only real thing I could say about it.
“Yes, Sir,” I replied weakly, hating myself for not following protocol.
“You know enough that if you’re feeling uncomfortable and want to stop, you call out your safeword.” Nik continued, and I nodded.
“No one will be upset with you for using it,” Ivan said. My eyes flicked to his, and I nodded again, still unable to speak.
“Do you understand?” Nik asked. I sobbed but vigorously nodded once more.
His frustration grew, and it only intensified my insecurities. I misread him completely, only making it worse.
“A nod of your head is not what I’m looking for here. Try again, this time with words,” Nik said, his voice tense.
“Yes, Nik. I’ll use my safeword.”
“Kinsley—”
“I’m sorry,” I interrupted, feeling guilty and like a failure. “I don’t want to be a slave whore.” I collapsed onto his chest, sobbing.
“For fuck’s sake, Kinsley,” he said, concern lacing his voice.
I pushed myself off his lap and moved to put my dress back on, not bothering with my bra and panties. A feeling of disappointment hung in the room, along with my shame.
“Little love?” Ivan whispered.
I couldn’t bring myself to look at any of them. My chest felt too tight, like I’d swallowed something jagged and it lodged behind my ribs. Shame prickled across my skin, hot and humiliating. I hated how childish I must’ve looked—how weak I felt—but I couldn’t stop it.
Without a word, I reached for my phone, my fingers stiff and unsteady. I didn’t want to explain. I couldn’t. If I opened my mouth, I was afraid all the memories I’d buried would come spilling out.
I punched Marcel’s number and turned toward the door, every movement mechanical, desperate. My hand trembled as I reached for the handle.
Just get out. Just breathe.
The door swung inward at the same time I pushed out. I collided hard into Sebastian’s chest. His arms came around me instantly, but the impact still knocked the wind from my lungs.
“Tiny tot?”
Flinching, I yanked away, only remembering I was holding my phone when Marcel called my name.
“Can you come over?” I cried.
“I’m on my way,” he said without hesitation.
I bolted up the stairs and as far from the drawing room as I could get. My heart pounded in my chest, and I didn’t stop until I reached my room. I slammed the door behind me and leaned against it, trying to catch my breath, the panic rising in my chest.
Throwing myself onto the bed, I curled up in a ball and waited for him. Silent tears streamed down my face as I replayed the moment and the fear that accompanied it. I tried to steady myself as Marcel taught me, but the tears kept coming.
Finally, a soft knock sounded. I pushed myself upright, swiping at the tears still clinging to my lashes. The door creaked open, and he hesitated just long enough for our eyes to meet. Then he stepped in and closed it softly behind him.
He approached and then sat at the edge of the bed, the mattress dipping slightly under his weight, anchoring me in a moment that suddenly felt too quiet and too loud all at once.
“Thank you for coming.”
“Of course,” he replied. “Tell me what happened.”
A tremor racked through me as I nodded and took a deep breath. “I freaked out and put my fears on display, letting them ruin our evening. Nik wanted to play with me…with my…” Heat flooded my face, and I looked away.
“None of that. Remember, I specialize in kink, and you knew this might present once that list was sent. Say the words for me, and let me walk you through it.”
“Anal play. He wanted to play that way.”
“Okay, if you were opposed to it, why didn’t you put it on the list? Were you afraid you’d let him down in some way?”
“No, I’m not necessarily opposed. It’s just that whenever I think of anal, especially if it’s fingers, my mind immediately thinks of fisting…” I looked down at my lap.
“That makes sense. I think in Nik’s defense, though, a finger is going to be a lot less intrusive than, let’s say a butt plug or his cock. Did he use lube?” Marcel asked. I looked up, the heat intensifying in my cheeks.
“Yes, he did.”
“Good, I’m glad to hear that. Would you like me to talk to them about your fears? I know it’s hard for you to do sometimes.”
“No, Sir, I should be the one. If I don’t start trusting them, then they might be afraid to be with me.”
He grabbed me in a fierce hug and didn’t let go. “Damn, I’m fucking proud of you. Such a good girl. Look at you growing up on me.” Pride colored his voice, and I snuggled into him.
“Marcel, what am I going to do without you?” I sobbed into his shoulder, breaking as I realized how much I loved him.
He exhaled. Every aspect of my life seemed like I was on the precipice of panic. I pushed the reality of disappearing out of my mind 95 percent of the time because the sheer weight was crippling.
Crying in Marcel’s arms, I drifted off to sleep. I woke a while later as a set of gentle hands grabbed me. Instantly, I knew it was Nik.
“Come here, baby girl. Daddy isn’t mad.”
I sobbed once more, needing his love and approval more than anything in the world at that moment.
The bedroom door closed, and I knew Marcel had stepped out.
“I’m so sorry I ruined our evening.”
“We would never do anything that would hurt you, and none of us want a slave whore. We like you just the way you are. That isn’t a dynamic we want or need.”
“Thank you.” I pushed his shirt up and began tracing his V-line. He sighed.
The door opened once more, and then Alek and Ivan joined us on the bed.
“I’d like to tell you something.” My voice wobbled as I prepared to share my fear with them.
“One of the things my captors liked to do when terrorizing me was to fist women, both vaginally and anally. I don’t know why, but more than one finger near my rear hole instantly brings that memory back.
It was particularly horrible to witness, and—”
“We don’t have to do anal play, malyshka,” Nik blurted out, making me sigh heavily.
“I’m not saying that, Nik. And I appreciate your willingness to forgo it, especially given my time frame isn’t long with you. The truth is, like with so many other things, I honestly don’t know what I like. I didn’t mind your pinkie,” I breathed, looking into his intense green eyes.
He pulled me back into his arms and hugged me.
“I’ll do better, and going forward, I’ll remember to use my safeword.”
“I think it’s time we establish a middle word for you while we play. That way, if it gets intense and you need a minute, you can shout that out instead,” Nik said.
“I agree. It’s standard protocol, anyway, little love. I somehow think you’re afraid if you use your safeword, we might not ever touch you again. Which, by the way, is absolute rubbish,” Ivan said.
“Have to agree. I don’t think you could ever make us not want to touch you, kitten,” Alek added.
“What do you say? Keep it in line with your other word? Do you remember the word for yellow?” Nik asked, rubbing my back. My heart soared, loving them each even deeper. I didn’t know why I hadn’t thought of it before.
“Zheltyy,” I said confidently, as Nik brushed an errant tear from my cheek.
“Zheltyy,” the three of them repeated, causing my body to shiver. Something about the three of them speaking Russian made me burn for them.
Alek must have sensed it, and he leaned in to kiss me, then yanked me from Nik’s lap. I snuggled into his large frame, rubbing his head as he kissed me.
“Okay, kitten, enough of that,” he said, stilling my hips, which were actively rubbing against him. He rested his forehead against mine, and we stared into each other’s eyes for a few minutes.
I crawled over Nik, who playfully spanked my ass again, and moved to Ivan. Settling in his lap, I traced his tattoo. Then I placed his hand under my dress and smirked at Alek. If he didn’t want to play, maybe Ivan would. He groaned as his fingers pushed through my slit.
I threw my head back and begged, “I need you, Blade. Edge me once more before you go so I have something to dream about tonight. Maybe if I’m extra good while you’re gone, you’ll fuck me hard from behind when you get back. You’re the only one who hasn’t yet, you know.”
“I’m not sure you’re ready for that. It’ll hurt,” he crooned, making me shake with the thought.
“And? Promise me as soon as you get back, you will. In fact, the minute I see you, I’m going to drop to my knees, crawl over to you, and unbuckle your pants, then show you what you’re missing. Nik taught me proper position. You’ll love the view, I promise. Ask him.”
“You’re just going to drop to your knees for me? And what if it’s Alek’s or Nik’s night?” he teased.
“Don’t care. Your cock in my tight pussy from behind is what I want. The Crow says I can always have what I want, and the Reaper…the Reaper—” I moaned as Ivan fucked me with his fingers.