Chapter 3 #2
My voice didn’t falter when I uttered the one word I’d feared saying, but once it left my lips, I fell silent. The fear returned a hundredfold as I wondered what he’d say.
Boyan’s eyes widened, lit from within by joy, as the man who’d looked like a corpse just one hour ago pulled me into a fierce, awkward hug before holding me at arm’s length. ‘How long have you known? Did Jagon tell you?’ Boyan’s joy was my undoing.
A sob escaped my control, threatening to choke me. I’d thought I was prepared, but this was overwhelming. I cracked, every detail spilling out through tears as if the strength holding all my secrets had drained away.
‘Why didn’t you tell me? I thought I’d lost everyone…’ I choked out the words, fighting back tears. My hands grabbed his blanket, clutching onto it for dear life.
Boyan reached out again and, with surprising strength, pulled me to his chest. ‘Forgive me, child. It was for the best. No, that’s…
I hoped my silence would keep you safe, but Sana…
my beautiful, smart girl, I’ve wanted to tell you so many times,’ he said, stroking my back as I pressed my face to his chest, the sobs making me shake.
I hated this feeling, this weakness. Sobbing over something…
acting so unlike the strong woman I prided myself on being.
My heart was tearing itself apart, and I didn’t know how to stop the tears.
‘Why didn’t you tell me when I returned to Truso?
I wasn’t a part of the Brotherhood then,’ I asked, shocked at how small my voice sounded.
‘And place you back in harm’s way?’ Boyan said, rocking me gently.
‘You’d created your own life. I couldn’t ruin that by revealing the truth.
I’m glad you know it now. And when I step past the veil, I’ll have this moment to ease my passage into Veles’ realm.
’ He spoke of death as if it were nothing.
A soft smile tilted his lips before he leaned forward and kissed my forehead.
‘Thank you for making this moment possible, that I could openly hug you, my daughter… I hope you can forgive this old fool.’
‘There’s nothing to forgive… Father.’ They weren’t empty words. I was no longer the bitter young teen torn from her family to face the harsh realities of the world. I’d lived in the shadows long enough to know life wasn’t black and white. ‘Just tell me… Did you kill them to bring me here?’
Gods, please spare me, I prayed quietly, waiting for the answer that would forever define our relationship. Boyan, I knew, was fair, but only a ruthless man could command the Brotherhood, so I couldn’t rule it out.
‘I never ordered it, but it was a mistake trusting Jagon to retrieve you,’ he said, lowering his gaze. ‘My position was secure, so I told him who you were and issued the order to bring Dobra and her children back. As for her husband… he was to be paid off if he agreed, killed if he didn’t.’
Boyan wasn’t sugarcoating the past, and that solution was very much his style.
I sat quietly, trying to piece the story together.
Jagon’s obsession with me made a little more sense now.
He wanted to build a dynasty, and what better way than to take the daughter of the man who already ruled the Brotherhood?
‘He wanted to use me to secure his ascension,’ I whispered.
My father shook his head. ‘Maybe at first, but the man I sent for you wasn’t the same who returned from the steppes.’ Boyan shook his head. ‘Vida, there is something about your mother you don’t know.’
‘There is a lot I don’t know, but I know she wasn’t a human,’ I said, my heart picking up a beat. ‘What was she?’
‘Dobra was my everything, and yet… I don’t know if she ever loved me.’ A bittersweet smile spread across his thin lips. ‘She was a forest spirit that existed before the gods attempted to tame the world: a Vi?a, who, for a short time, chose to indulge my love.’
Boyan took a sip of water, his eyes unfocused, the softest expression I’d ever seen on this ruthless killer’s face.
A log cracked in the fire, sending sparks up the chimney, disturbing his thoughts.
‘That’s how I recognised Jagon’s obsession when I saw him looking at you.
I feel the same craving in my soul. After your mother, no other woman came close to… I-I just couldn’t…’
Boyan took a deep breath, and I shifted closer, trembling slightly, eager to hear more about my mother.
Boyan didn’t seem to notice; instead, his expression darkened.
‘I threatened to end Jagon if he took you as his apprentice, that he would lose more than his position in the Brotherhood. He used his knowledge to threaten me right back, saying he’d tell everyone I’d used my affair with an Elderkin to take control of the Brotherhood, that you were a tool to maintain my stranglehold.
’ Boyan scoffed, his fists tightening. ‘The only thing I achieved was a promise to never make advances on you. I wouldn’t let you remain under the control of a man who killed my Dobra and manipulated you into becoming his apprentice. ’
I sat there stunned by this confession, while all my life’s little coincidences finally started making sense. ‘And did you use her? Was that why she left you?’ I asked, trying to ground myself, feeling adrift with no sense of self.
‘She left to protect you. I would never use you or her for your magic,’ Boyan said almost through his teeth.
Raw anger twisted his expression into a horrible grimace before he regained control.
‘When you were born, Dobra lost control of her power. The ceiling beams sprouted leaves, and long-dead flowers blossomed. I saw the Lady of the Forest in all her glory… but so did the others.’
I knew where this was heading. Boyan had kept it secret, which meant he’d turned the miracle of childbirth into a bloodbath. Still, I needed to hear it from him.
‘I killed the healer with my bare hands. He screamed abomination and tried to smash your head against the wall… The coward tried killing a fucking newborn, just because of the magic your mother possessed.’ Boyan sneered, and the grip on my hand tightened.
‘Because he knew I’d become a vivamancer,’ I whispered.
‘Dobra was terrified. She didn’t want me touching either of you, so I smuggled you out and found a safe place for you to live. I hoped that one day, when you were strong enough, I’d bring you both back… but I even failed at that.’
‘And Jagon… he knew?’
‘Yes, partly. I don’t know how he found out, but he knew who you were, even if he didn’t know about your magic.’
Boyan went silent, staring at the dancing flames, leaving me with so many questions. If I were half-Vi?a, Jagon’s obsession became much more sinister, and Reynard… did he want me, or had my bloodline influenced his emotions?
‘I love you, Roksana, and I loved your mother. I had no choice but to let him train you, but there wasn’t a day I didn’t regret it. Maybe this illness is a punishment for my carelessness, for causing Dobra’s death.’
‘That was on him, not you,’ I said, placing my head on his shoulder. ‘You did the best you could; now we need to focus on the future.’ I bit my lip, wondering if I should mention Jagon’s return. Ultimately, I decided against it. Boyan carried enough guilt as it was.
‘Future? Let me guess, Visla wants me to name the next Grand Master?’ He didn’t look shocked; if anything, a smile played on his lips. ‘Let’s start by officially introducing you as my daughter.’
‘Why?’ I asked, and he looked at me sharply.
‘Because I’ve wanted to from the moment you entered the Brotherhood,’ he said before taking my hands in his.
He paused as if he were trying to find the right words.
‘And because I want to name you as my heir. You have the strength and vision to lead them. We both know those sheep in wolves’ clothing don’t.
Irsha won’t cause trouble; he’s always loved you, but the others… ’
‘What?’ I said far too quickly, making Boyan frown. ‘I can’t, I have to learn magic… and there are… other things,’ I stuttered, lowering my head, using the only excuse I could come up with.
‘Other things? Like the War King’s frequent visits to your home?
He should know better than toying with your affections,’ my father said, as if being finally recognised allowed him to voice his objections.
‘I don’t want to see you hurt, Sana. The world won’t let you be together, even if you choose each other.
When you lose the one you love, life turns your hopes and dreams into ash. ’
‘You think I don’t know that?’ His words hurt because they echoed my fears, and yet I couldn’t admit it.
‘I don’t want to be a queen or a leader.
I’m not cut out for either, but if I can be your shadow mage, I can be his too.
As for my bed, he only entered because I allowed it.
’ A muscle twitched on Boyan’s jaw, but I wasn’t just refusing his proposal; I was ready to offer a solution.
‘You don’t want me leading the Brotherhood when you have Irsha.
He’s capable and believes in your vision.
I’ll happily support him from the shadows. ’
Boyan wanted to reply, but a dry cough shook his body. I rose to fetch more water, and when I returned, he’d dressed himself, calm and composed, with a lethal aura that made me frown.
‘You should be resting.’
‘I’ll rest when they put the last nail in my coffin,’ he said, taking the cup and drinking its contents while I reeled at his moribund comment.
‘Fine, call your Blade back to the Chapter House. I’ll announce my decision at dinner.
It’s well past time he stopped loitering at Lillie’s and embraced a more prominent role in governing his wards. ’
‘Shouldn’t we tell him first? Give him time to prepare?’ I asked. It occurred to me that by refusing Boyan, I might have pushed my friend into a role he wasn’t interested in.
Boyan smirked, fastening his belt. ‘If he aspires to be Grand Master, he must face the unexpected. Don’t worry, daughter. He’ll take on this role just as I did, because being a Dark Brother is all he’s ever wanted.’
He was right, and Irsha was the best choice; still, it didn’t sit well with me. We were making this decision for him. ‘No, I’ll tell him, and if he refuses, we’ll find someone else. Times and situations change. I don’t want him resenting being forced into something he doesn’t desire.’
Boyan looked at me, his calm, assessing stare building unease in my core.
Then he took a few steps, tentatively testing his strength.
‘It is him or you, Roksana. I won’t let the Brotherhood be destroyed by sentiment.
No one else is strong enough to go against Jagon and Tymon. Not when they both work for Tivala.’
His words hung in the air, heavy with tension. If Jagon or Tymon took the Grand Master’s seat, the Brotherhood would become Tivala’s. So, it was Irsha or me. I only hoped fate had mercy on me and my Blade wouldn’t resent being thrust into the Grand Master’s position.
‘Just give me the afternoon to talk to him.’ I smiled, masking my feelings. Then, on impulse, I bent and kissed his cheek, warmth blossoming in my core at the joy I saw in his eyes.
‘Go, I’ll see you both at dinner.’ He paused, resignation entering his gaze. ‘And tell Irsha to bring his long daggers. Many will not be happy with my choice.’