Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
SLOANE
Kirill’s SUV is quiet on the drive to Mandy’s, broken only by the occasional shift from the backseat when Lev hums to himself.
I sit in the passenger seat with my hands folded in my lap, too aware of how close Kirill is, of the space between us that feels heavier now than it did when we were pressed together last night.
I can’t get the way he played out of my head. It was beyond beautiful. The melody keeps looping in the back of my mind, and I already know it’s going to be one of those things I carry around with me, something I’ll think of on a bad day when I need to remember what it feels like to be happy.
The silence between us keeps growing and I don’t know what to do with it, not after last night and this morning. Taking out my phone, I text Mandy that I’m coming by to just grab my car from her driveway, and she replies immediately.
Mandy
Looks like you survived a night at the sexy Russian’s house. So…how was it? Was he great in bed or what?
My face turns hot, and I glance at him as though he could see what she wrote, but his eyes remain on the road. Thankfully.
Sloane
I can’t talk right now. He’s right next to me.
Mandy
OK, but did you bang him?
I bite the inside of my cheek and type back quickly, keeping my screen angled away.
Sloane
No.
Mandy
WHAT! Did he kiss you at least? Anything??? How can you still be a virgin after last night?
Sloane
I’m not a virgin. One time is still one time.
Mandy
Stop it. You’re a virgin.
I glimpse at Kirill again, his square jaw, one hand resting casually on the steering wheel. He looks calm—calmer than me, that’s for sure.
Sloane
We didn’t bang, but something did happen. I’ll tell you everything when I get there.
Mandy
I knew it! Hurry the fuck up, and you’d better not leave anything out!
I slip the phone back into my purse as I stare out the window. Every time Kirill changes gears or adjusts his grip on the wheel, I sense it low in my stomach. His hands are just so big and manly; I can’t seem to stop thinking about them all over me.
Shame slides across my face. I’m not that kind of girl. I don’t think about sexual things. But here I am, thinking about every dirty thing he could do to me.
As though hearing my thoughts, he peers at me, a smirk tilting one side of his mouth…and there goes the rest of my pulse. But we’re nothing more than friends, and I have to keep reminding myself of that, no matter how many times it takes to get him out of my system.
Good luck to me.
When we pull onto Mandy’s street, he slows the car and parks in front of her place, the engine idling as silence fills the space between us. I swallow and reach for the door handle, but my fingers hesitate on the metal.
“Thank you,” I say, more aware of his masculinity than I was on the ride here, if that’s even possible. “You know, for everything last night. And this morning.”
Before I can pull the handle, his hand closes around my knee. The reaction is instant: a shudder goes straight through me, heat following right behind it.
“Sloane, wait.”
The way he says my name makes me jump. I turn toward him, and it’s there on his face, all of it.
The restraint, the tension, the fight he’s having with himself.
He’s holding so still, it makes him look carved out of stone, shoulders tight like he’s swallowing words he doesn’t trust in his own mouth.
His thumb presses into my knee, just enough pressure to remind me he’s there, and that single touch ricochets through me. His other hand lifts, stopping short of my face, hovering like he wants to cup my cheek, but he retreats and disappointment floods me.
He glances at Lev in the rearview mirror, then back at me, and instead of touching my face, he takes my hand, lacing his fingers with mine.
“What are you doing today?” he asks.
“I’m going to Blackthorn Ridge for an interview.” I give myself a once-over and wince. “Well, as soon as I change into something a little more appropriate.”
He stiffens instantly, his eyes sharpening a fraction.
“What time?” His grip on me firms.
“Probably in a couple of hours. Why?”
Are you gonna follow me there?
The thought is ridiculous. It was one thing to show up at the club, and I’m grateful he did, but he has no reason to go anywhere near that ranch.
Kirill’s chest lifts on a slow breath, his gaze still locked on me, and whatever I see in his eyes makes my skin prickle.
“I’ll see you later,” I manage, and I hate how hard it is to let go of his hand.
I turn toward the backseat instead and smile at the beautiful boy staring at me. “Love you, buddy. I’ll see you later, okay?”
His smile is small, but it explodes inside my heart into a million pieces that I want to grab all at once.
“L-l-l-love you,” he says, clear as day.
Oh my God. He loves me.
The words hit me so hard my throat closes up.
When I glance at Kirill, something flashes across his expression, unguarded and achingly tender. I make myself look away. If I don’t, I might do something stupid. Like kiss him. Or never leave this car.
“Bye, guys,” I tell them as I open the door and step out.
The morning air is cool against my legs, my mind still tangled up in everything I’m trying not to feel. When I pull the door shut, I catch Kirill through the window, his eyes locked on me. The chill doesn’t stand a chance against the heat in his gaze.
And I know with a certainty that settles deep in my bones, whatever this is between us won’t just go away. It’ll only grow, and I don’t know how I’m going to survive that.
As I start toward the house, Kirill stays parked behind me. I don’t look back, but I feel his gaze on me anyway, like he’s waiting to make sure I actually go inside.
The second Mandy opens the door, she yanks me into a hug, and right over her shoulder, I register the car pull away. Her eyes track the sound, then she lifts a brow.
“So? Did he give you a mind-blowing orgasm, or do I need to kill him?”
I release a sigh and step inside, kicking off my shoes and dropping my bag by the couch. If I don’t give her something, she’s going to explode.
I don’t tell her everything—not the intensity of it, not the way it felt like something in me cracked open—but enough. Enough for her eyes to go wide, her jaw to drop, and her voice to jump into that high pitch it gets when she’s too excited to be cool about it.
“Holy. Shit.” She fans herself. “Where can I get a man who knows how to use his tongue like that?”
Heat crawls up my face. “Mandy.”
“What? I’m asking for a friend…who’s me.”
I let out a laugh, getting the words out before she can build a whole fantasy around what happened. “It doesn’t matter. It’s over. He doesn’t want anything real, and I’m not about to set myself up for heartbreak.”
She lets out a dramatic sigh, like I just told her Christmas is cancelled. “I won’t lie. I’m disappointed.”
I am too…
“Anyway…” I say, dragging us into safer territory before she sees too much on my face. “Mind if I take a quick shower? I just need to grab the extra clothes I keep in the car.”
“I’ve got clothes. I can doll you up so even Greer can’t say no.”
I let out a laugh. “I’m a bit terrified to sit in a room with her.”
“I don’t blame you. She’ll look at you like she’s trying to peel you from the inside out, but we won’t let her.”
“I hope not.” I grimace. “Anyway, let me go grab some clean underwear from the car. Give me a sec.”
I step back outside, pop the back door, and dig through the duffle until I find a simple white pair, then head inside again, shutting the cold out behind me.
Mandy throws an arm around my shoulders and steers me toward the stairs like I’m a project she’s excited to start. “Come on. Let’s get you dressed.”
In her room, she beelines for the walk-in closet and starts flipping through hangers, talking as she goes.
“I’ve got the perfect jeans that’ll definitely fit, cute over-the-knee boots, and a blouse that shows the exact right amount of boobage to say, ‘I’m competent, but also extremely hirable.’”
I groan and cover my face. “You’re the worst.”
She grins over her shoulder. “And yet you keep coming back for more.”
“I’m starting to think I’m a glutton for punishment.” I plop down on her bed and lie back.
“You sure as fuck are.” She pops her head out. “Alright, here are your clothes.”
Mandy hands them to me as I sit up, then grabs a towel from the hallway closet and tosses it at me. I push up and head for her bathroom, really hoping I can impress Greer.
The second the water turns hot, I strip out of my dress and step under the spray, letting it hit my skin hard enough to feel like it might wash off the memory of his hands on me, his mouth, the way I melted for him until I forgot how to be anything but his.
It doesn’t work. No amount of soap makes me forget the way it felt to be wanted like that, or the way it scared me because wanting it back feels like the first step toward losing my grip on reality. He’ll never be mine.
I shut the water off, wrap the towel around myself, and blow-dry my hair until it’s mostly tame, then pull on Mandy’s clothes. The jeans are a little too long, but I can deal with that.
When I step out, Mandy looks up from the edge of the bed and lets out a slow whistle. “Dayum. Kirill doesn’t know what he’s missing.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I roll my eyes, but my face goes warm anyway. “I’m over him.”
“Sure you are.” Her lips curve.
I ignore her, forcing myself to focus on anything but Kirill while I grab the flat riding boots and slip into them as she laughs.
“You over him or him under you. Either way, you’re not getting rid of that man. Just watch.”
“Yeah, okay…”
But a part of me hopes she’s right.