CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Deleted Yarik Text:
You’re a fucking wanker, you know that?
I mean, Russia??? You HATE Russia.
You left me.
You left and I
I don’t know what to say to you. Or rather, I know all the things I want to say but we don’t say those things. Not to each other. Which means I don’t say them to anyone at all because I’m apparently fucked in the head enough to think that maybe, one day, you might look at me and realize that you
Yarik
Heard Father sent you to your favorite city on Earth. Any idea when you’re coming home?
Yarik
Hey
Deleted Yarik Text:
You’ve been gone twenty-three days and I think…
I think this is the longest we’ve ever gone without talking.
Even when you fake-hated me, you never ignored me, and I’m trying really hard not to go mad with worry. If something bad happened to you, I’m sure I would have heard the news by now. But I . . .
I miss you
I miss you so much. Please come back
Deleted Yarik Text:
I haven’t slept in days
Every time I close my eyes, I remember what happened in the study. I remember looking at you, thinking you were my hero. Then I blinked and you became someone else
The monster I never thought to look for under my bed.
The villain whose heart is stained black but there are cracks, fissures, which offer glimpses of light. I can still feel the way you pushed me against the wall, how my hands turned clammy and all I heard was the sound of my own heartbeat hammering in my ears. I waited for you to save me, the way you always have but
I understand
I wish that I didn’t.
That’s really what keeps me up at night—that I understand. How could I not?
You left, and I have no idea when you’ll be back, or if you’re even still alive, and every day I think to myself . . .
I would chain you to me, if I could
I would be the monster under your bed. The villain who bides his time, waiting for when you least expect it to strike
If I had my way, Kiryusha, I would never let you go
But I think . . . I think you’ve already gone. And I don’t know how to get you back.
Deleted Yarik Text:
If you’ve died, at least have the common decency to fucking haunt me, you prick
Yarik
Tomorrow I’m being made into a brigadier
If you’re not dead, I’m gonna need you to come and put a bullet in my brain
Also, go fuck yourself.