8. CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 8
Gray
I left work early and went to Holden's place. We were brothers and friends, and if anyone could see my blind spots, it would be him.
"Hey, what's up?" Holden asked because my pain, I knew, was written on my face.
"Bonnie around?" I didn't want to deal with my sister-in-law, who was a bitch, and then some on a good day.
"Nah. She's out. Girl's night."
"Excellent. I need a good drink."
We went into his den, the one place in his home where Bonnie left Holden alone to watch football and drink himself into a stupor.
I sat on a leather chair and thanked Holden when he gave me two fingers of scotch. He sat across from me.
"What's got your knickers in a twist, brother?"
"Rose left me." The words came out as a whimper.
"When?"
"A couple of weeks ago."
Holden nodded as if not surprised. "I guess…congratulations?"
"What the fuck, Holden?"
He looked at me, confused. "I…well, it seemed like that's sort of what you've been wantin'."
"What?" I felt like I was living a life that I didn't know about, at least, one that others saw very differently than I did.
"I mean if you asked for a divorce you'd have to pay some serious alimony, but if she left, we know she walks away with nothing," Holden explained as if it was that simple.
"I don't want a divorce. I love my wife."
Holden raised both his eyebrows. "Well, buddy, if you love your wife, why the hell have you been bangin' your secretary?"
I downed some whiskey and set my glass down. My life was a clusterfuck. That's what it was.
"Why would you think I was sleepin' with Aimee?"
Holden chuckled. "Come on, Gray, you're with her all the time. People see you in restaurants. You travel with her. Even at parties, you're with Aimee and Rose sits in a corner with everyone looking at her as the first wife who's soon going to be replaced."
I tried to remember those parties. Had I really been that much of a jackass to Rose? If everyone saw it, she must have felt it too. How much had that hurt my sweet wife? My kind wife—the one who never said a bad word about anyone, not even my mother, who humiliated her every chance she got. I’d felt guilty for not protecting her, which was why I finally agreed to move out of my parents’ house. But the truth? I just didn’t want the drama with my mother. I expected Rose to deal with her, and she did. After the first two chaotic years of our marriage, Rose had become exactly the kind of wife I needed. She ran the house, was always there when I needed her, fucked me when I wanted, and handled my family so they wouldn’t come complaining to me about her.
Fucking hell! I was a selfish prick. It was all about what she did for me. When was the last time I did anything for her?
"Does everyone assume I'm fuckin' my assistant and ready to divorce my wife?"
Holden sighed. "I don’t know what to say, Gray. It’s been obvious for years now—you’re just not interested in your wife. At family dinners, it’s always you and the twins on one side, while Rose sits quietly on the other. I used to feel sorry for her and tried talking to her, but Bonnie would go on a jealous rant, so I stopped."
"Why is Bonnie jealous of Rose?" This was all very confusing.
Holden scoffed and then shook his head in disbelief. "You know your wife is fucking gorgeous, right?"
"Yeah." Rose was a classic beauty. Sometimes, I couldn't look away from her face.
"And while Bonnie is on a diet daily, your wife is effortlessly slender and elegant. She's sweet, kind, and easy to talk to. I mean, fuck, I wish I had a wife like that instead…." He sighed. "Well, you know what I have."
I did. Bonnie was a special kind of fucked up.
Basically, what my brother was saying was that I had an amazing wife, who I'd been ignoring to the point that everyone, including friends and family, thought I wanted to get rid of her.
I downed the whiskey and poured some more for myself.
"Your kids talk down to her, and you never stop it. Especially Jude. This Thanksgiving, I had to ask him to cut it out, but you know, Jude, he just shrugged it off."
How was it that my brother was my wife's knight in shining armor? The same man who'd called her a gold digger to her face when she'd showed up pregnant.
"What did Jude say?"
"Just some crap about how she wouldn't understand something because she didn't have a college degree. It was humiliating, and Rose looked like she was going to cry."
Cry?
"Where the fuck was I?"
Yeah, where the fuck have you been, Gray, for the whole hell of your marriage?
"You were talking to Willow, but this stuff happened in front of you all the time, Gray. You can't tell me you didn't notice." When he looked at the pain in my eyes, he was surprised. "You're seriously telling me you didn't see how your kids would shut her down every time she tried to speak? I mean, Willow ignores her, which I started to think was a blessing because Jude can be vicious."
"Why the hell didn't you say something?" I demanded, flustered as hell.
"Why would I when it was happening in front of you?" he countered. "What the fuck, Gray? I thought you were trying to get rid of her. I didn't like your methods, but I have my own marital problems with a wife who cuts my balls off every five minutes, so I'm not equipped to help out with your marriage."
I had no one to blame, I realized. I'd taken my wife for granted, and my kids emulated my behavior and also took her for granted.
"It used to not be like that." Holden continued, "Well, you were always working and being short with her, but at least I think she was happy when the kids were little."
"She's a great mom."
"Considering the shitshow I have with Bonnie, I used to be jealous of how good you had it. Hell, even my kids liked hanging out with Rose, which was why Bonnie didn't let them. But then the twins became teenagers, and they changed. They're different with you. They respect you."
"They respect Rose," I bit out.
"No, Gray, they don't, and don't bite my head off; but it's cause you don't."
"I do respect her," I snapped. But even I could hear my voice from the past in my head.
" For God's sake, Rose, I'm working. Can you just handle whatever it is? Someone needs to have a job in this family."
This was when she needed help with my mother.
"Are you serious about not having dinner ready, Rose? I told you a week ago we were having people over. How could you forget?"
This was when I ambushed her and didn't apologize for it, even after I realized I gave her three hours to set dinner up for ten people because Aimee had forgotten to call her about it.
"This is important, so please try to make nice with these people."
What I was saying was, don't embarrass me. But she never did, so why was I being such an asshole to her? It had become a habit to say these things to Rose without thinking about what it did to her.
But when I was with her, she made it safe and loving; she made my world a haven of love and warmth.
"I need you tonight, babe," I'd say after ignoring her for a week.
"My darling, Gray, I love you."
She always opened her arms for me and loved me the way I'd never thought was possible, the way I had never seen any other man experience. I used to feel proud that my wife was so devoted. My friends used to tell me how jealous they were. Now, I wondered how much pity they looked at Rose with. The wife at home smiled and cared while her husband was apparently banging his blonde bombshell of an assistant.
Nothing was further from the truth.
I loved having sex with Rose. She was uninhibited, and we tried pretty much everything. I remembered how afraid she'd been to try anal, but she let me because I wanted it. I'd hurt her even though I'd made every effort not to. I asked if we should never do it again, but she said she wanted to try again and again and again—until it took me a while to realize she didn't enjoy it and did it for me. But she still let me, so once in a while, I gave in to my need.
"You can say no to me, Rose," I told her.
"I know. But I don't want to. Everything we do, honey, is wonderful because we do it together. It's us in our own world."
Did she think I’d be angry if she didn’t submit to me? No, that wasn’t it. She did it because this was the time she had me all to herself.
"I can't believe after so many years of marriage, sex is still so amazing with you." I was still catching my breath after another fabulous round of lovemaking. She lay atop me, having ridden me to a mind-blowing release.
"I love making love with you. It's the time when we're just us. And it's precious."
"It's always just us, Rose. The kids have left home," I joked.
"Well, you get busy with work, so this is nice."
"Speaking of which, I'm going to be gone until the end of the week to New York. We have a big project there."
"Ah…do you want me to come with you?"
I set her aside and sat up. "It's not a holiday, Rose. I'm going to be working, and we'll probably have business dinners."
"Okay."
"Come on, Rose, don't be like that. You'll just be in the way. I'm working. You'll be all alone, so why not be alone here rather than in a hotel in New York?"
"I know, honey. It was just a thought. Don't worry about it." She left the bed naked and went into the bathroom. I heard the shower start. A part of me wanted to go in and start round two with her. I could never get enough of her. But I didn't. I didn't want to guilty about that look of defeat on her face when I told her she'd be in my way.
Fucking hell! How did a smart man like me not hear her pleas for more of me? How could I not see that she was begging me to pay attention to her? She was asking her husband to see her.
"Where did she go?" Holden asked.
I ran a hand through my hair. "And that's the most fucked up thing of all; I don't know. She left everything. Her phone, wedding band, engagement ring, and all her credit cards. All her jewelry. Every fucking thing. She left me a note saying she was taking five thousand dollars, but she'd pay it back because of that fucking prenuptial agreement." I dropped my face in my hands as tears raged inside me and began to pour out.
"Fuck," Holden muttered. "Poor, Rose."
I looked up, aware that tears were running down my face. "You called her a gold digger."
"I was a dumb kid then. Trust me, I've met gold diggers. Rose was pure gold. She handled Mama. She's graceful even when Bonnie is being a bitch. You know, she never complained to me about you, even when I'd ask her how things were goin'? She'd simply say that you work hard for your family, and she was so very proud of you."
"I loved how she looked at me like I was some superhero."
Holden snorted.
I agreed with him. Some superhero! I even forgot our twentieth wedding anniversary.
"Where do you think she went?"
"I'm guessing Malou."
Holden nodded. "This her friend who has cancer?"
"Yeah."
"I found her crying at your New Year's Eve party last year."
I looked up at Holden. "You did?"
He nodded. "Yeah, she was out by the firepit, alone. I felt bad for her. She’d cooked that amazing spread, set up the whole party, but she was the only one not enjoying any of it."
I remembered inviting some people from work. Aimee had been there. I had a great time—hung out with my kids, my co-workers, my brother, my friends. I kissed the kids when we rang in the New Year. I remember looking for Rose, and Willow saying she’d already gone to bed. But I couldn’t recall what happened the next day. Did I even wish my wife a Happy New Year?
"She was upset," Holden continued. "She had to leave the following morning to be with her friend who was going through chemo."
Right, Rose had told me she was leaving early. I'd come to bed at around four in the morning and crashed. Rose was gone by the time I woke up. She'd left food for me like she always did, and it really didn't matter because I ate out plenty with… Aimee and others from work.
"I told her she was a good friend. I mean, she went to all of Malou's chemo treatments except a couple where I think you had something going on. That's caring. You know?" Holden was shaking his head, awe in his eyes for my wife.
Yeah, that was Rose, alright. Caring.
I remember she'd missed a chemo recently because I needed her at some event with me. What was it? I couldn't remember. And, did I spend my time with her, or did I do what Holden said I'd been doing: stayed with Aimee and others, leaving my first wife sitting in a corner?
"I love her, Holden."
"Honestly, Gray?"
"Yeah," I said sincerely. "Rose makes my life better. The past months have been crazy busy with our international projects, but when I come home and get into bed with her, fuck , it's like my whole world is right."
Then why the hell have you been sleeping in the guestroom so often, you idiot?
"Gray, anyone who spent time with the two of you, didn't see this, and I doubt Rose did."
I felt like my world was collapsing around me, and now I knew that it was by my own hand. " I'd never cheat on her. I don't want to. I have a sexy wife, and the sex was always fucking awesome with her. Even after kids, y'all would complain about how sex went out the window, but not for us. We fucked like three-four times a week."
But not lately, not for the past many months since I started sleeping in the guestroom because I was working late hours.
"Lucky you."
"Yeah, I was lucky." I sighed. "Damn it, was I that much of an asshole to her?"
"I don't know what it was like when it was just the two of you, but when I was around, yeah. And then there was the time when you got drunk, and we were all talkin' about weddings. You said that you got married because Rose was knocked up."
I remembered that night. We had some people over. Our friends Leah and Ken were there as well. They got divorced a year later. But that night, we were all talking about how all of us got together.
" I met Rose while she worked at a diner close to the university," I slurred. "She was gorgeous, and, of course, I wanted to get into her pants. You know how we were those days?"
"We all know," Bonnie chuckled. "You Rutherford men are hound dogs."
"Until we get married," Holden added, and Bonnie snuggled into him.
They sat on the couch together while Leah and Ken were on opposite sides of the coffee table. Rose was in an armchair next to me so she could go in and out of the kitchen and ensure everyone was taken care of. She had cooked dinner, 'cause she never catered, and that always made me so proud because she was a fucking awesome cook. Even Mama or Bonnie couldn't bitch about her food.
We had eaten and were drinking wine and coffee at the end of the night. I’d had a few glasses and then some.
"Rose was six months pregnant when we got married," I said. "Weren't you, babe?"
"Yes." Rose cast her eyes down.
"She was huge." I stroked her arm. "We got married because of the twins. But who knows what would've happened if it wasn't for them."
Rose looked at me like I’d physically struck her, and I closed my eyes and groaned. "That's not how I meant it, so get that hurt look off your face, damn it. And it was years ago; I think we can let that go, don't you?"
"Of course. Would anyone like any more coffee or wine?"
"Why don't I help you?" Holden went into the kitchen with Rose.
I apologized to Rose the next day, saying I'd had too much to drink. She accepted my apology and made breakfast, and that was that. Now, when I thought about the conversation, I wanted to throw up. I humiliated her in front of our friends and family. No wonder everyone assumed that I wanted to get rid of her; let's face it, she probably thought it as well.
"I asked her if she was okay—I was shocked you’d said what you did in front of everyone like that. Any other woman would’ve railed against her husband, I’m sure of it. But Rose, fuckin' grace under fire, just asked me to help take the coffee and petit fours back to the living room and thanked me for checking on her."
"I did apologize to her for that."
"And?"
"It was a " but I was drunk" apology, hardly sincere," I admitted.
"Do you resent being married to her because of the twins?"
I shook my head. "I love being married to her."
"Then why have you been treatin' your wife like dirt, Gray?"
I didn't have an answer to that. I didn't think I was. I thought we were fine. No, that's not true. I knew she wasn't happy, but I kept thinking that was because I was working all the time, and as soon as things eased up, I'd get to her. She wasn't going anywhere, but my clients might.
Bonnie came into the den then, sashaying in a too-tight dress that wasn't something I wanted to see a woman her age in. I mean, I didn't give a shit what any woman wore; it was her choice, but Bonnie, for all the trailer trash comments she made about Rose, dressed like an expensive tart. Even when she lived in a trailer, Rose had never looked like this. She was always, even in cheap fucking clothes, elegant and graceful. Had I ever told her that?
Today, Bonnie was in a blue sequin number that hugged her curves. I knew she'd had a tummy tuck recently, and it seemed to have worked because she had a flat stomach. Rose had one without surgery because she worked out and took care of herself. Did Rose think she needed to do that because I wouldn't want her otherwise? I had so many questions now.
"Gray, so nice to see you, honey." She gave me air kisses and then sat next to her husband. "How are things?"
"Rose left him," Holden told her.
Bonnie raised both eyebrows and clapped. "Well, hell, we should open champagne."
I glanced at her. Well, why shouldn't she think it was a moment to celebrate because even my brother, who knew me better, thought that?
"What?" Bonnie asked when she saw how sullen Holden and I looked.
"I didn't want her to leave me, Bonnie," I explained tightly.
"Really? Because it seemed like you did. And Mama Rutherford told everyone who'd listen how your prenup was set up. She told me that Rose hadn't even read it; just signed it. Foolish girl, that's what your mama said. I had my lawyers go through my agreement with Holden with a fine-tooth comb." Bonnie turned to her husband. "Darlin', can I have a glass of wine?"
Holden left the den to find her something to drink.
She leaned forward conspiratorially. "Gray, please do not marry your assistant. I mean, it's fine to do whatever it is y'all are doin', but just don't, you know, make her a Rutherford. Took you long enough to get rid of Rose and—"
"Bonnie, I love my wife," I cut in. " Fuckin' love her. I'm not having an affair with Aimee. I love my wife. I want my wife back."
Bonnie looked as confused as I felt. "No one thinks you love your wife, Gray," she scoffed.
"Yeah, I'm beginning to realize that I've been a class-A asshole to Rose."
"Well, at least she can't take anything from you, so that's a relief."
"Relief for whom?"
"All of us who care about you and the twins."
"You want my wife to have no money? To be fucking destitute after twenty years of marriage?" I got up, feeling bile rise inside me. "Why? She's an amazing wife and mother. Why do you dislike her so much?"
"Honestly, Gray, the question is, why do you ?" Bonnie threw back at me.
"I don't dislike her, not even a little bit." I fucking love her.
"The way you treat her and the way your kids treat her in front of you? I don't think so. Holden and I may have our issues, but if our boys ever talked to me the way Jude talked to Rose, he'd lose his shit."
Holden came back with a glass of red wine and set it in front of Bonnie.
"It's the Syrah that was already open."
"Thanks, hon."
Holden sat next to his wife. "I was thinking about it, and you know who'll know where Rose is? Leah. They were close. I'd talk to her."