10. CHAPTER 10
CHAPTER 10
Gray
" H ow is she? Is she okay?" I asked when Jude called to tell me he'd talked to his mother.
"I don't know. I fucked up, Dad."
"What happened?" I asked in a panic.
"I started to ask her what she was doing, and she told me that she wouldn't talk to me if I disrespected her."
"Jude?"
"I feel like an asshole. She sounded so sad and loving in that I'll-always-love-you kind of way, and it pissed me off."
I leaned back on my chair in my office and closed my eyes. "Why does it annoy you?"
"It's just that she's always so damn giving that she makes it hard, you know?"
I thought about it for a moment and snapped my eyes open. "No, son, I don't know. Your mother is giving and loving. Why the hell are you so angry with her?"
"I…just…don't know."
"Is it because you see me mistreat her?" I hated having to ask this question, but I knew I had to.
"You don't treat her badly, Dad. You're so patient with her; you're good to her."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Of everyone in my life, you're the only one saying that. Everyone else has been congratulating me because they think I've been treating your mother like shit because I wanted her to take off."
"I don't see that."
"And they think I'm screwing around with Aimee." I threw that in because I was frustrated.
Long pause.
"Jude?"
"Well, Willow and I wondered. It's none of our business, Dad, and—"
"What do you mean? You guys would be okay with me cheatin' on your mother?" I bellowed.
Jude growled. "I don't know. Okay ? I just don't know, Dad."
"I never cheated on Rose. I never wanted to. I still don't. I've only ever loved her. I feel like I'm in an alternate universe where the marriage I thought I had is not what anyone around me seems to think I had. And the worst part is I don't know what Rose thought of our marriage."
"You do know, Dad," Jude said wearily. "She left."
That struck me in my solar plexus like a fucking thunderbolt. "Yeah."
"I have her number. I'll send it to you."
"Thanks."
"Dad, I don't know how to make it up to her."
"You and me both, son."
"Dad?" Jude sounded like a little boy.
"Yeah?"
"Am I horrible son?"
Fucking hell! "Not to me, but, yeah, you've been treating your mother poorly, and I failed to notice that. But everyone else did see it, including always-stoned Mike."
Jude chuckled at that, as I hoped he would. "I think I should talk to someone."
"Yeah?"
"I think so. A friend of mine went through something, and she went to a therapist. She said it helped. Dad, Mama wasn't angry when I talked to her. She was just resigned, you know? She said she loves me but won't tolerate my disrespect. I feel so ashamed."
I heard the tears in his voice. My son had emulated me. This was on me .
"Jude, this started with me. I ignored your mother and taught you to do that. It's my fault. You talk to someone, and I…I'll talk to your mother. I'm going to fix this." I had no clue how to do that, but I was the Dad, yeah? It was my job to fix things no matter how screwy they got.
"You are?"
"I have no choice, son. I can't live without your mama. The past two weeks have been hell. I can't breathe without my Rose." This was the bald truth. I'd die without her.
After I finished talking to Jude, I went up to the window of my office and looked out at downtown Atlanta, my stomach feeling hollow. What the fuck kind of man was I?
"You're the best man I know, my darling Gray."
"Why do you always call me that? My darling Gray?" I suckled her nipple because it was close to my mouth.
It was a couple of years ago, and we'd just had sex. She was still wet and messy with my cum between her thighs. Since the kids had left home, our sex life had changed. We had sex wherever we wanted. This time, we were on the leather couch in the living room.
She was sitting up, and I was snuggled into her.
"Because you are, my darling . I…you don't like it?"
"It's not that. It's just…you’ve been calling me that for years."
"Since the beginning."
I stroked her other breast and squeezed the nipple. I was still as fascinated with Rose's body and her as I'd been when I took her virginity. Rose was the sexiest woman I'd ever known—but it was more than her beauty and her body; it was her warmth. When she was with me, I was in a safe cocoon, and all my worries were far, far away.
"Say you love me?" I demanded, moving her so she covered me.
She kissed my mouth and smiled.
"I love you, my darling Gray."
My heart felt so full I thought it would burst with love for her.
I positioned her to straddle me so I could slide inside her again, stay inside her; it was my favorite place in the world.
"Good girl. Now, ride me because I'm hard again."
I realized that I didn't say it back. I didn't tell her I loved her too.
When was the last time I told her I loved her? I couldn't recall.
Did I stop saying it? I used to say it. I always told our kids, but I don't think I said it to Rose.
Why had I stopped? I still loved her. The fact that I could barely function right now made that evident.
I needed her. I knew that. I asked her, commanded her to say she loved me and didn't give her the words back. I didn't give her the actions either. What the hell else was she supposed to do but think that I didn't want her?
Anger surged through me. I rammed my fist through the wall, leaving a shallow divot that bruised my knuckles.
Aimee knocked on my door and opened it without waiting for my answer. I turned to look at her and saw her eyes went straight to the crack in the wall.
"Yes?"
I really didn't have time for her today. Or the patience. The fact that she thought I was interested in her made me angry as a bull with a red cape in his face. I thought of her as almost a kid. I was her mentor. She was my right hand. A close colleague. I was going to hire only male EAs from now on so that people would shut the fuck up. Or maybe the next rumor would be that I'm gay!
"There's a Leah Stahl here to see you."
My heart skipped a beat before it resumed pumping again. I had planned to reach out to Leah to find out where Malou's B it happens. But all the time ?"
Leah and Rose were friends—real friends, not the society kisses-in-the-air bullshit. When Ken and Leah divorced, I pretty much continued my relationship with Ken. I told Rose she couldn't invite Leah to parties at our place if Ken was there with his new wife.
"But, she's my friend, Gray," Rose protested.
"Ken and I work together. You know how it is."
"Then let's not invite Ken over this one time. Maybe we can have Leah over—"
"I'm not having this discussion with you, Rose."
"But, Gray, Leah is—"
"Not my problem. See Leah on your own time," I finished. "I have work. I'll see you tonight."
So, saying, I left her in the kitchen, furious with her for wasting my time with mundane shit like who should be invited to a party. For Christ's sake, didn't she see that Ken was essential to Rutherford Architects? His contacts and his influence helped us get deals. But, oh no, she wanted to take her friend's side. There were no sides in business. Damn it, I should've married someone who understood that shit—a proper Atlanta society wife would have.
How often had I thought she was the wrong wife during situations like these? Not frequently, but it happened. I could lie to everyone in the world, but I couldn't lie to myself. The truth was that I did resent Rose for trapping me with her pregnancy. Not all the time. Not even that much anymore. But I had in the first few years. Once the kids were there, and I fell in love with them, it had faded, but the habit of resenting her for things that were not her fault, apparently, had remained. Unknowingly, unwittingly, or rather because of willful ignorance, I'd hurt my wife time and again for something I didn't even blame her for anymore, not that I should've in the first place. We made the twins together . She didn't fucking do it alone, did she?
"What do you want me to say, Leah?" I asked, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.
She pushed the papers toward me. "Say you'll sign these. She isn't asking you for a dime. She's offering to have the Mercedes returned, but she requests you to arrange for that, if not she'll make sure to get it back as soon as she can.
My heart thundered. I looked at the divorce papers and quickly scanned them. She was taking nothing . She even had put in a monthly plan to return the measly five thousand she'd taken from the household account. The Rutherfords were one of the wealthiest families in Georgia, and my wife had a one-year plan with monthly payments to return five fucking thousand dollars. So, this was the ultimate verdict on our marriage—Rose didn't feel she had any rights.
When we started to see each other, I'd kept her a secret. My friends would absolutely understand why I was screwing around with trailer trash that looked like Rose because they all wanted to get into her pants. She was hot as fuck. Even in that hideous diner uniform, she was gorgeous. And so, fucking sweet. But I didn't want them to know because they'd want to do her as well. They wouldn't have believed me if I told them she was a virgin. I was her first. She'd be branded a slut.
But then she got pregnant, and when she told me, I screamed at her for not using birth control and walked out of the single-room trailer she used to live in, where I used to see her, make love with her, and wake up with her.
I shared a house with friends close to Georgia Tech, but I couldn't take her there. I almost had a girlfriend those days, one my mother had been pushing on me. According to Mama, Violet Corbin, Congressman Corbin's daughter, would make the perfect Rutherford wife. Violet was cultured and beautiful and was studying at the University of Georgia. She wasn't as good-looking as Rose, but then most were not. But Violet looked good enough on my arm, another reason I couldn't take Rose to my place. Everyone was expecting Violet and me to go steady . I'd kissed Violet, but we'd never had sex. She tried, but I found I just couldn't, not when the lovely Rose from the diner looked at me with her big eyes and bright smile, making everything inside me go beautifully quiet.
After Rose told me she was pregnant, I didn't see her for two weeks, hoping that she'd get rid of the baby. I was still ashamed to remember that.
I came to the diner with friends and Violet. We sat in her section. I wanted to end this nightmare of a relationship with Rose. My mother would be livid if she found out that I knocked up someone like Rose.
"What can I get y'all?" Rose asked, a smile on her face.
She looked tired. There were dark circles around her eyes. She'd lost weight in the two weeks since I saw her. Was she not pregnant anymore? I wondered.
We ordered, and as she walked away, one of the guys said, "That girl has a fine ass. I wouldn't mind plowing into her one of these nights."
"God, you're such a pig," Violet protested while she snuggled up to me. "This is why I'm with Gray; he doesn't say such things."
No, he just plows into that girl's ass and gets her pregnant, abandons her, hoping she'll get rid of the baby. I was that kind of special asshole.
Shame flowed through me, but I didn't know what to do. At no time did I think Rose was eighteen, alone in the world, working a dead-end job—she must be so fucking scared. All I thought was what my mother would say about me being careless and ruining my life and the family name.
When Rose came back with our orders, one of my friends asked her if she was free later for a quick conversation . The way he said it made my back go up, and I wanted to punch him. Rose had looked at me stricken, waiting for me to defend her, but I ignored her and allowed Violet to kiss my lips in front of her. I didn't look at Rose, but I heard her indrawn breath and watched her stumble away from our table.
There it was done, I thought. She knew we were over, and she'd take care of the baby if she still had it. Maybe I should give her some money, I thought belatedly.
"What do you want to do, Gray?" Leah asked.
I spoke from my heart. "I want my wife back."
"You don't deserve her," Leah remarked.
"Yeah, well, she made vows, and she's gonna keep them." Like hell, I was going to sign divorce papers. She was out of her fucking mind if she thought I would.
"You made vows, too; you didn't keep them."
"I told you I'm not havin' an affair," I snapped.
"You promised to love and cherish, Gray." Leah rose then. "You didn't. Sign the papers and send them back to me. And let me know how you want to handle the car. I told her just to keep it, but she keeps bringing up your prenup."
I shook my head. "That fucking prenup."
"You could've stopped your mother from making her sign something so insulting," Leah added.
"Rose signed it. If she had a problem, she should've said so," I remarked callously, something I'd been saying and thinking for years. It was, unfortunately, habit .
Leah banged her fist on my desk and glared at me. "She was eighteen, pregnant, afraid, and in love with your rich sorry ass. She signed whatever she was asked to sign because she didn't give a rat's ass about your money—something you never understood. These papers are Rose telling you that she still doesn't care about your money. Sure, you housed and clothed her for twenty years; but you got a free maid, nanny, cook, housekeeper, and whore—so I think you're even."
"Don't call my wife a whore."
"That wasn't me, Gray; that's how Rose feels. These are her words."
I felt something cold and unpleasant slither inside me. "She's my wife . I never made her feel like a—"
"Everyone else did. Your mother, your brother, fucking Bonnie, and even your kids. You all treat her like she's somethin' to either pity or ignore. She's not. Sign the papers, or I swear to God, I'll convince her to go after everythin' you got."
She walked out of my office, and I felt like an even bigger asshole than I had all those years ago when Rose was pregnant.
I went to her place that night after I saw her at the diner, after she saw Violet kiss me.
She opened the door of her trailer after the first knock. She was in a ratty T-shirt and shorts. Her eyes were swollen. She'd been crying. She let me in and stood at the far end of that tiny dingy room I'd spent time with her in, her arms crossed.
I pulled out ten hundred dollar bills from my wallet and put them on the sofa bed we used to make love on. "I just…wanted to leave this here…so you can…you know."
She looked at me with sad eyes. "I can what?"
"Get it taken care of." I raised my chin toward her stomach and felt bile rise through me at the thought of her aborting our baby.
God, she was so sad, and I wanted to hold her, love her, and tell her it was going to be okay. But it wasn't. My family would never accept her. Mama would be so angry.
She put a hand on her stomach defensively. "I don't need your money," she whispered, looking at her bare feet as they curled into the cheap linoleum floor of the trailer that I knew she kept meticulously clean. "I…I'm fine. I'm going to move in with my friend Malou. She just moved to Savannah."
"Look, Rose, for what it's worth, I really like you." Even then, I knew I was lying. I didn't like her; I was in love with her. But I was too much of a coward to say it, go against my family, and take what I wanted. I'd never have this kind of happiness with anyone else; a part of me knew that. She was it. When I was with her, the world seemed better. No one had done that for me.
"Thanks for coming. Ah…just take the money. I'm leaving next week, so" —she looked up at me, and my heart ached, there were tears in her eyes— "can you not come to the diner while I'm there? Please . After next Saturday, you can come back."
Fucking hell!
No. I couldn't let her be in pain. I took the few steps to reach her and pulled her into a hug. She was keeping the baby; I knew she would. She would not be able to hurt anyone.
"We'll get married, Rose." I kissed her mouth softly.
Tears began to stream down her face. "No. I know you don't want me…and…."
"I love you, Rose," I confessed, "I'm so sorry for being an asshole, for being a coward. I love you, and we're going to be a family."