Chapter 10 Out of Reach
ten
Out of Reach
Jasmine accosts me in the car. “Who’s Michael?
“Matt’s friend from Fort Bliss.” I adjust the heater vent in Jasmine's car without looking at her.
“What did he mean by plans?” Jasmine won't let this go without details.
I take a deep breath. “Michael's family is in Pullman. He invited me to a New Year’s Eve party there.”
“He’s cute. So you’re going?”
I nod.
She gives me a long look. “Are you going to tell Jacob?”
I hesitate for a minute. “I haven’t decided yet. It’s a party, not really a date, but I still feel guilty about it.”
Jasmine flips through the stations on the radio. “My advice, go and have fun. Don’t tell Jacob anything. It’ll be better that way.”
I've learned to be selective about which of Jasmine's relationship advice I follow, but this time I think she might be right.
“I’ll treat you to dinner,” Jasmine says when we’re driving home from shopping.
“Sounds good.” It's taken all day to get through Jasmine's list and find something for Kendra. I'm exhausted and starving.
"What are you in the mood for? Italian? Chinese?"
"Actually, I'm kind of in the mood for a good burger. We could—" A report on the radio stops me.
“...Fort Lewis soldiers killed when a suicide bomber walked into a crowded mess hall in Mosul yesterday.”
An electric chill races down my back.
Jasmine's forehead wrinkles in concern. “Where is Jacob?”
“Mosul.” I turn up the radio, but the report is over.
“Don’t worry,” Jasmine starts. “I’m sure he's okay.”
“Yeah.” I'm trying to keep my voice steady. “Can you take me home? I'm actually not very hungry.”
“Okay.” Jasmine keeps glancing at me, but she doesn’t say anything else.
As soon as Jasmine stops the car, I jump out and run up the stairs. Mom is at the door. “Mom, we just heard on the radio...”
“I know,” Mom replies. “I just got off the phone with Trina.”
“What did she say?” I hold my breath, afraid of her answer. I wrap my arms around myself. My whole has gone cold.
“She hasn’t heard anything. She said they go into a communications blackout whenever someone…she said no news is probably good news.” She hugs me. “I’m sure Jacob is fine.”
Jasmine hands me the bag with Kendra’s present.
“Would you like to stay for dinner?” Mom asks her.
“No, I need to get home.” Jasmine hugs me. “Thanks again, Jess. Call me if...” she trails off. “Call me tomorrow, okay?”
I watch her drive away.
Mom puts her arm around me. “Matt is at Kendra’s and Tyler is spending the night at a friend’s house, but we have leftovers if you’re hungry.”
“No thanks, Mom, I’m just going to go up to my room.”
She nods. “Try not to worry, Jess.”
Dad is watching the news in the living room. “... the largest attack thus far. No names have been released pending notification of the families.”
I walk into my room and sit down at my desk. I tap the keyboard and wait for the screensaver to disappear. My email is still up. The unopened message from Jacob stares me in the face.
I take a long breath and open it.
Hey Jess,
This is the second email from me and nothing from you (hint, hint). You didn’t forget me already did you?
I hope you made it home okay. I hope you’re having a great Christmas vacation. Did I mention I miss you? I got your package. I already opened it. Sorry, I couldn’t wait. I love the pictures of you. I wish there were more. It was so good to see your face. Did I mention I miss you?
I'll call you when I can. Maybe I’ll try for New Years. It won’t be the same as a kiss at midnight, but I'm dying to hear your voice.
I hope everything is good at home. I heard from Mom and Gage. They’ll all be together for Christmas. Mom has banned all political discussions over Christmas to keep the peace since Nathan's bringing Angel. Kind of glad I won't be there for that.
Love,
Jacob
I read the email over three times. He was heading to the mess hall.
What time did he write the email? What time was the attack?
I try to find out on the internet. The story is everywhere, but they're all different. Some say there were nine people killed, some say more. I can’t focus.
I try to write a reply to Jacob, but I can’t bring myself to write something I’m not sure he'll ever read.
I shut my computer and lay down on my bed.
I have two pictures of Jacob on my nightstand, one of us sitting by each other on the couch from last Thanksgiving and the one of him in his dress uniform.
I pick that one up and look at it. It looks too much like something that would be displayed next to a flag-draped coffin.
I set it down and pick up the one of us together and hold it to my chest.
What will I do if he’s gone?
I need everything that reminds me of Jacob close to me.
The locket he gave me is around my neck, where it always is.
I search the floor of my closet until I find the plastic bag that contains the shirt Jacob was wearing the day he saved me from Brad.
It somehow ended up in the bag of my things from the hospital.
I hold the shirt to my face and breathe it in.
It still smells like Jacob—sweat mixed with his cologne.
It also smells like the barn—dust and musty hay.
There's a long rip down the back and dark brown stains on the front. Blood. Jacob’s blood.
It makes me think about Jacob being hurt, Jacob bleeding.
It makes me sick to look at it. I wad it back into the bag and put it back in the closet.
I try to focus on other things. I study the picture of us together. Jacob saved my life. Jacob held me, Jacob kissed me. Jacob loves me. I know he loves me.
I love him too. Why didn’t I write it in every single email I sent him?
“Please, God, let him be safe.” I pray out loud as I lie back down on the bed and trace my lips with the locket.
I get ready for bed and turn out the light, but I can’t sleep. I keep listening for the phone ringing. If Trina got any news from Jacob, she would call immediately, wouldn’t she? My heart feels hollow. I run through every moment of our time together. Somehow, he has to be okay.
I have to see him again.
When I finally sleep, I dream about Jacob. I'm running down a long, dark road. He's calling my name, but I can't see him. He's right in front of me, but always just out of reach.
"Jacob!"
His name is on my lips when I wake up. As I shake myself out of the dream I realize two things; the house phone is ringing, and my locket is gone. I must have been twisting it in my sleep. The chain is on the floor by my bed, broken.
I search my bedding frantically, as if finding the locket will make Jacob safe. I tear the bed apart before I find it, underneath my pillow. I press it against my lips.
"Jess."
Mom stands in the doorway with the phone in her hand. Her face gives nothing away.
It has to be Trina. She must have found something out in the middle of the night and decided not to wake me.
I take the phone with trembling fingers. “Hello.”