Chapter 13 The Hard Part
thirteen
The Hard Part
Ablond-haired, blue-eyed little boy opens the door when I knock.
A hugely pregnant, dark-haired woman is close behind him, putting on an earring.
I'm struck by how young Becky is. When I met her at the self-defense class Jacob taught, she seemed a lot older than me. Now she seems almost the same age.
“Connor,” Becky scolds. “You aren’t supposed to open the door without Mommy there.”
“It’s just her,” Connor points at me.
Becky stops in the doorway. “Jess. It’s good to see you.”
“Good to see you again too. You look great,” I say. Becky’s blue eyes are rimmed in dark circles, but her face is radiant.
She gives me a sideways hug to accommodate her belly. “Huge is more like it, but thank you.”
Connor is staring at me, his eyes wide. “I know who you are. You’re Jacob’s girlfriend.”
I love hearing that. I kneel to meet his eye. “My name is Jess.”
He squirms away. “Jacob is with my daddy, in Iraq.”
“I know,” I answer softly.
“Jess is going to play with you while Mommy is gone,” Becky says. I offered to babysit for her while she went to the memorial service for the men killed in the attack in Mosul.
“What did you bring me?” Connor asks. He reaches for the bag I brought with me.
"Connor, that's rude,” Becky says.
I hold it behind my back. “A present.” His eyes grow round. “And some cookie dough. If it’s okay with your mom, I thought we’d make sugar cookies.”
Becky smiles. “That's so sweet of you. Just watch him. He’ll eat all the dough if you let him.”
“I’m with you, Connor. I love cookie dough.”
Becky picks up her purse and stuffs a wad of tissues inside.
“You might be able to get him to nap in a couple of hours. But don’t stress if you can’t get him to settle down.
He’s at that age where naps are optional—at least for him.
I can always use one. You have my cell number.
” She looks around the room. "What am I forgetting? "
She looks nervous about leaving Connor, or maybe just nervous about where she's going. “We’ll be fine. Don’t worry about anything.”
“I know. You’re wonderful for doing this. I can’t imagine trying to go to this thing today and wrestling Connor the whole time.”
I can’t imagine going at all, especially in her position.
Connor is asleep on the couch, and the cookies are cooling on the table when Becky gets home. Her eyes are red, and she looks exhausted.
“Why don’t you go lie down? I can stay while you take a nap,” I say.
“No, that’s okay.” She takes off her shoes and settles onto the couch beside me. “I know you need to get on the road, and we really haven’t had the chance to talk yet.”
“How was the service?” I ask delicately.
“Very nice, very formal, very military.” Becky sighs. “Absolutely heart-wrenching. I’ve never been to anything like that before. I didn't realize how hard it would be. I can’t imagine what those families are going through.”
I swallow hard. “Me either.”
“I was so happy and so relieved when Bryan called me, but I felt so guilty. I knew there were other wives who were getting a very different call, or a different visit. When they show up in person, it’s never good news.”
“That’s how I felt too—relieved and guilty.” I can’t look Becky in the eye. I study the patterns on the couch.
“It’s not easy, is it?” Becky leans over and touches my hand. “These reminders that what they’re doing is dangerous.”
“No.” I shake my head to clear the tears gathered in the corners of my eyes. I feel stupid crying in front of her.
Becky sighs. “They’re gone for months at a time, the pay isn’t great, and they’re putting their lives at risk. And yet we choose this because we love them.” She shakes her head. “Well, I should say I chose this. I guess you haven’t quite reached that point yet.”
I haven’t really thought about what my life would be like if I chose Jacob, or if he chose me. Right now, whatever sacrifice I have to make seems worth it to have him. The last few days made me realize it might be harder than I thought.
She sits back. “I’m sorry, Jess, I didn’t mean to make you sad. How’s college going?”
Everything in my life seems so trivial after where she’s been, but she seems ready to change the subject. “Good, kind of hard, but I’m doing okay.”
“I remember that part of it—the hard part." She leans closer. "What about fun? Are you having fun?” I shrug. “That’s the part I missed after I left.” She ruffles her fingers through Connor's hair. “Of course, that’s the part that got me in trouble.” Becky told me she’d dropped out of college when she found out she was pregnant with Connor.
Connor isn’t Bryan’s son—his bio dad isn’t in the picture.
“But it can’t be all work and no fun. Do you go out, go to parties? ”
My stomach tightens. What would Becky think about my not-a-date with Michael? "I don't know. Not a lot. I have a couple of roommates who are really into that, but I'm not... I mean, with Jacob gone..."
She laughs. "Don't sound so guilty when you say that. It’s okay to enjoy yourself at college. You’re only eighteen.
Jacob might kill me for saying this, but a year is a long time.
You don’t have to put yourself in cold storage.
You’re young, you’re beautiful. Enjoy it before you end up like me.
” She puts her hand on her stomach and smiles.
“Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy with how things turned out.
I wouldn’t trade my boys for anything. But if I could have a few of my teenage years back. ..”
I’m about to burst. I need to tell someone about the date with Michael. Someone who knows Jacob. Someone who won't tell me that Michael is better for me.
“I have a confession to make.” I run my fingers through the fake fur on the blanket slung over the back of the couch. “I’m going to a New Year’s Eve party.”
“That’s not really a confession.”
“Even if I’m going with a guy, a guy my brother really wants me to be with?”
“Is this a guy from college?” Becky's face scrunches in concern. I immediately wish I hadn’t mentioned it.
“No, he's in the Army. He’s stationed at Fort Bliss with Matt. His family lives in Pullman, though. He came to our house for a couple of days and went skiing with us. He asked me to go to the party with him, as a friend.” I emphasize the last word.
“Do you like him?”
I shake my head. “He’s a nice guy, kind of arrogant, and he’s not...”
“He’s not Jacob,” she finishes and smiles.
“Nothing like Jacob, and honestly, I can’t imagine being with anyone but Jacob.”
“Then go have fun. Fort Bliss is far away, and if you aren’t really interested in him, where’s the harm?” She raises her eyebrows. “Jacob is one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met, and you’re an absolute angel. You two are perfect for each other.”
I blush. “Thanks, I think so too.”
“Then a few parties while he’s gone won't make that much difference. Just be happy. Enjoy yourself.”
“Thanks for everything, Becky.” I stand up. She looks tired, and it’s late. “I’d better get going.”
“Thanks for what?” Becky asks. “You’re the one who babysat for me and made cookies.”
“It was fun, and I appreciate all the advice you’ve given me.”
“Anytime.” It takes effort for her to stand. She gives me a hug. “Don’t be a stranger, please. I’m stuck with a toddler all day, so any adult conversation I get now is a plus.”
“I’ll stay in touch. I promise.”
“And keep praying for our guys. They still have a long time ahead of them.”
I swallow hard and nod. “I will.”