Chapter 24 Deciding
twenty-four
Deciding
Michael is right about the gardens and even about the dark.
There are winding cobblestone paths branching in every direction, lit topiaries, and beds of gorgeous flowers glowing in moonlit beds.
He shows me the place where he got in trouble when he was six for playing in the fountain and at eight for trying to swing on the long limbs of the willow tree.
"I honestly thought I was Tarzan," he says. "My mother was mortified. It was in the middle of my grandmother's seventieth birthday party and about a hundred guests."
"You had a very different childhood than I did." I'm thinking of the casual dining, cake and ice cream party we had to celebrate my grandmother's eightieth birthday the year before.
"Not that different, really," he says, taking my hand and pulling me to a rock structure he called The Tower.
He puts his hand on the side of it and a shadow passes over his face.
"This was Kaylee's favorite place. No one told us you weren't supposed to climb it.
" He looks so sad that I reach for his hand and squeeze it.
He doesn't let go for the rest of our walk.
We walk for a long time. Long enough that it feels like we're the only ones left in the gardens. Long enough that it feels like we might be the only ones left in the world.
Finally he stops. We've reached the edge of the gardens, a few feet away from the parking lot. I'm driving back to my parents' house, and Michael is flying out tomorrow.
"Thanks for inviting me, Michael. You were right; this was fun. And this," I spread my arms out to indicate the garden, "is absolutely gorgeous."
He steps closer, his eyes locked with mine. "This is absolutely gorgeous."
He's so close I'm having a hard time breathing. I look down so I don't have to face the question I see in his eyes. "I should go," I say, but I can’t make myself move.
He brushes a lock of hair that's come loose from my up-do back from my face and then rests his hands on my shoulders. “It’s been a long day. You’re tired. Stay tonight. Stay here with me.”
My body stiffens, and I close my eyes against the familiar guilty ache in my chest. “I can’t.”
"Why not?" he asks.
I meet his gaze. "You know why not."
He moves closer, close enough that I can feel his breath on my face. "But are you sure you know?"
I hesitate long enough for him to jump into the space.
“I asked Matt about it, about you and Jacob.
He told me Jacob ignored you the whole time he was at Fort Lewis.
That he made you crazy. That he didn't pay any attention to you until the day he left, and then he kissed you and told you to wait around for him.”
“It wasn’t like that. It was... We were... I...” If I don’t fully understand the depths of my relationship with Jacob, there’s no way I can explain it to Michael.
He grips my arms. “I would never have treated you that way. I won't treat you that way now.”
I shake my head. "I can't—"
He leans closer, his eyes pleading. “There’s something I need you to understand, Jess.
” I’m having a hard time focusing, a hard time breathing with him so close.
“I’m not what he thinks I am—what Gage thinks I am.
I'm not the kind of guy who goes after another guy's girlfriend, especially not another soldier who is at war, but I wouldn't have stayed away even if I'd known about Jacob sooner.
I recognized you the minute Matt showed me your picture, even though I'd only seen you that one day at your spin class.
There was a connection between us, and I knew I wanted to see you again.
The more I get to know you, the more I feel that connection. I know you feel it too."
“Michael,” I start, but I’m not sure what to say because he's right. As much as I've tried to fight it, I know it's there.
He bends down. His hands slide along the back of my neck. His breath brushes my lips. “Please. I can give you so much more than he could. You know that's true. Just give me a chance.”
I push him away. “I can’t do this. I don’t... I love... Jacob.”
He tightens his grip on my shoulders. “You don’t have to—”
I break away from him, my heart pounding.
“Don’t tell me I don’t have to decide now.
Don’t tell me I can have it one way now and another way later.
That isn’t fair to any of us. I have to go.
I don't...” I can’t finish that sentence.
I can’t bring myself to say the words that will release him.
Words that might release me too. I can’t tell him I don’t feel anything for him.
He reaches for me again, but I turn away and start for the parking lot. I won't look back. I can’t see the pain in his eyes. I can’t let him see the pain in mine.
He catches up to me and puts himself between me and the car door. “Jess, wait—”
I look down at the ground. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth from the beginning. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I’m just sorry, okay Michael.”
He stands for a long moment, his hands clenched, his jaw set, before he finally moves out of the way.
I fumble with the keys in my hand. Too long, it’s taking too long.
I force my fingers to work. The tears are ready to break through.
I have to get away as soon as possible. I can’t let him see me fall apart.
I manage to get into my—into Jacob’s car. Somehow, I hope it will make me feel safe, like it always does, but it just makes the ache of guilt that much worse.
I make the mistake of looking at Michael before I drive away. He looks so hurt. I hate that I’m the cause of it.
I can’t go back.