Chapter 31 Snapshots
thirty-one
Snapshots
Excruciating. That’s the only word I can use to describe the memorial service.
It’s very military, very filled with ceremony.
For me, it’s only excruciating. The line of four sets of boots with helmets perched on top of rifles, with dog-tags draped over them are beyond painful.
Four pictures—Matt and Gage and two others.
The lines of men and women in uniform. Michael is with them.
They tell stories about the guys who died.
Stories that are meant to make people laugh and cry.
Somehow, this is all supposed to make us feel better, but it doesn’t.
Someday when I look back on this day, I know I’ll remember it in snapshots—twisted snapshots that shred my heart.
Gage’s dad, Steve, saluting the gun and boots set up to represent his son.
The roll call that the men who died don’t answer.
The echo of gunfire outside the auditorium in some kind of salute.
Kendra’s narrow shoulders shaking uncontrollably as I wrap my arms around her.
Jasmine, too afraid to face everyone, taking a seat in the back, away from the families.
Michael called in some favors and got us all a private plane into Texas. He knows how to work the system. We have a nice place to stay for a couple of nights. Food, transportation, everything. He’s taken care of our every need. My parents think he’s wonderful, that he can do no wrong.
We stay in our places after the service is over.
Strangers come to tell us they're sorry and tell us what a great man Matthew was. That he was a hero. They circle around us so there's no room to move or to escape. I want to crawl out of my skin. The world is closing in on me, and I can’t breathe. I want to stand up and run, but I can’t move.
I look up to see Gage’s parents, Steve and Trina. They’re by themselves. “Where’s Nathan?” I ask without thinking.
Darkness clouds Steve’s face. “He said he wouldn’t participate in any military service. Not even for his own brother.”
A pang of disloyalty hits me because I understand how Nathan feels.
Trina puts her hand on his shoulder. She looks around me, searching. “Your friend, Jasmine. Is she here?”
I scan the seats behind me. Jasmine is slowly making her way towards. Her arms are wrapped around her shoulders and her head is down, but I can just make out the bulge under her black dress. Steve reaches out a hand to steady her as she steps down next to us.
Her red eyes dart from face to face as if she were a scared animal. She sways on unsteady feet. I put my arm around her waist. She looks up at Trina. “I don’t know if you remember me.”
Trina wraps her arms around Jasmine and pulls her into a hug. “Jasmine, of course I remember you. Gage talked about you all the time.” She steps back and touches Jasmine’s stomach. “Is it true?”
Jasmine blinks back tears and digs through her purse. She pulls out an ultrasound picture and hands it to Trina. “Your grandson.” She says softly. “Gage wanted to name him after his dad.”
Trina studies the picture and then hands it to Steve. She pulls Jasmine against her chest and sobs.
I'm struck by a strange stab of jealousy. Like I don’t belong here anymore. Like I’m an invader on this scene. The room is getting too close again. I take a step back and bump into someone.
Michael steadies me with a hand on my shoulder. “Gage’s parents?” I nod. He steps forward to talk to Steve.
I back away and push through an opening in the crowd.
Slowly at first and then almost running.
I don't stop until I’m outside. I slide down a cement pillar and sit on the stairs.
I can’t breathe. I haven’t had a panic attack for a long time, not since Brad went to jail.
I don't think I can stop the one that overwhelms me now.
My vision clouds. I’m falling into a dark tunnel. A voice comes from the other end. “Breathe. Breathe. Blow out. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”
I grasp his voice first and then his hand. Slowly I emerge from the tunnel.
“Jess, are you okay?” Michael is holding me. I don’t remember where he came from, how long he's been beside me, or even how long I've been here. “You scared me. No one knew where you went.”
I pull back from his embrace. It feels too tight.
“Are you okay?”
I want to scream at him. I want to tell him that nothing is okay and it will never be okay again. I shake my head and suck in enough breath to answer him. “I had..." breathe in, "...I had to get out of there.”
He nods. “It will take time. A long time to heal. You need to be patient with yourself. I wish I could stay with you, help you through it, but I’ve used up my leave time.
The Army has been pretty understanding about the situation, but I have to leave from here.
I can’t go back to Washington with you. I can’t even come to the funeral.
I’m sorry.” He puts his hand under my chin.
His touch suddenly makes my skin crawl. "Call me whenever you need me. Anything, anytime. Okay?”
He leans forward and kisses me. I don't have the strength to push him away, but I can’t make myself kiss him back.
He keeps his hands on my shoulders. “Do you want me to walk you back inside?”
“No. I don't want to go back in there. I need—” But I have no idea what I need or who could give it to me.
“I can find your mom...”
“No.” I practically yell at him. I want him to go. I want him to leave me alone and to stop touching me. Somehow I let things go too far between us. Somehow we crossed a line, and I don’t know how to pull things back. “I just need to be alone.”
"If you're sure." He stands. “Oh, I almost forgot.” He pulls my cell phone out of his pocket. “I’ve been keeping this for you. Sorry. I think the battery is dead.”
I take it from him and stare at it like I don't remember what I'm supposed to do with it.
"Remember, anything, anytime." Michael kisses me one more time, then he walks away. After he disappears into the crowd, I lean forward and put my head in my hands.
I still can’t cry.
I sit there for a long time before I feel another hand on my shoulder. I look up as Steve sits down beside me. I barely know Steve—Gage’s real dad and Jacob’s step-dad. He was in special forces, so he was gone all the time when we were growing up. “How are you holding up, Jessica?”
I sit up. He always makes me feel like I need to sit up straight, pay attention, say “yes sir,” and “no sir.” Jacob said that all the time, even before the Army. “I’m okay.”
He leaves his hand on my shoulder. “This is so hard on you kids. It’s been really hard on Jacob. I'd appreciate it if you wrote to him. Gave him some support. I have a feeling it will mean more coming from you than coming from me.”
I nod. I wonder if he saw Michael kissing me. I wonder what he thinks.
He stands up and helps me to my feet. “Your family means a lot to us. Your parents took care of Trina and the boys when I was away so much. I’m so sorry about Matthew. He was a good man, a good soldier.”
I should say something about Gage. That he was a good friend. That he could always make me laugh. The words catch in my throat. I can only say, “Thank you.”