Chapter 45 Responsible
forty-five
Responsible
Jasmine looks better when I check on her a few days later. She’s sitting on the couch feeding the baby. She’s never been shy or modest, so I see a lot more than I should be seeing.
The baby is asleep when she’s done. She hands him to me while she buttons up.
I stare at his little face. Now he looks like my brother—except for Jasmine’s dark hair, dark eyes, and tan skin, he’s all Gage.
I rub my finger along his soft cheek. His mouth opens for a minute, searching.
He sighs and closes his mouth. He looks content, nothing like the screaming creature I held last time.
Jasmine leans over my shoulder and smiles. “He’s beautiful, isn’t he? I never thought I could love anything so much.” She sits back and brushes her hand through her hair. Her ponytail is smoother this time, but she’s still not wearing any makeup.
“I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to be a mom.
It seemed like so much work. I'm an only child and spoiled.” She laughs.
“I guess you knew that. We would have made quite a pair of parents, Gage and I. Two spoiled kids trying to raise another one.” She looks away, her eyes shining.
“I like to think we could have made it work.”
I watch the baby. I’m not sure what to say.
Jasmine leans against me. “This is so much harder than I ever imagined." She presses her eyes closed. A tear squeezes out and rolls down her cheek. “I don’t know what I’m doing. Sometimes I think I should have given him up. Someone else would have been a better mom than I am."
"That's not true," I say.
She shakes her head. "This might be easier if Gage was coming home—if I wasn’t facing the next eighteen plus years of raising him alone.”
I brush the tears off her cheeks and put my arm around her shoulder.
I look at her, then at the baby, and then at their little apartment.
My heart aches for all of us. I consider their future and mine.
I think about what my mom said about us being responsible for Gage’s baby.
I think about how lonely I've been since I got home.
Jasmine's damp eyelashes lie on the cheek that's resting on my shoulder. She bites her bottom lip, and I'm suddenly very aware of her mouth. I never realized how beautiful she is. Gage couldn't shut up about her, but with Jess around, I never saw it. Maybe I was missing out on something.
I lean in closer, almost close enough to kiss her.
Her eyes flutter open in and she pulls away. "Jake, what are you doing?"
I try to soften her reaction. “Maybe we should go out sometime. Get to know each other better.”
She sits back and looks at me like I've lost my mind. “What?”
“I’ve thought about this a lot,” I lie. “I like you, Jasmine. Maybe we could try–”
She laughs—laughs at me. I've never had a girl laugh at me when I expressed interest before. “Jake, you are so sweet, so old-fashioned. I believe you would actually go out with me, maybe even marry me, to fulfill some sense of honor, some sense of obligation.”
I duck my head. “I didn’t mean it that way...”
“Yes, you did.” She’s laughing again. “You know women raise kids by themselves all the time now, don’t you?
” Her expression softens, and she puts her hand on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh. Being with you would be amazing; I’m sure it would be.
You are so sweet, so gorgeous, and I know you’d be a great dad.
But you don’t belong to me. You never could.
” She looks me in the eye. “You belong to Jess. You always have.”
I turn away. “Jess doesn’t want me. She has Michael.”
Jasmine hesitates, like she’s not sure if she should say anything, but then she does. “I don’t think she’s in love with him.”
My heart skips a beat. “Did she tell you that?”
She shakes her head. “It’s just a feeling I have.
The way she acts when they’re together is just off.
She's not herself anymore, and she doesn't look at him the way she looks at you.” Jasmine leans back and adjusts the blanket wrapped around her son.
“Jess needs time to heal. She and Matt were close. This is really hard for her.”
Time again. The whole idea makes me mad without knowing who I'm mad at—at Jess, at myself, at time maybe, for moving on without making anything better.
I shake my head. "It's been really hard for me. Really hard for you. We’ve all had the same time to heal. Why can we get on with our lives when she can’t?”
I must be louder than I think because the baby fusses. I concentrate on his face while I bounce him in my arms, but he keeps fussing. Jasmine takes him back. He settles against her chest and goes back to sleep.
“I don’t know," she says. "There’s no handbook for grief; it affects everyone differently. Maybe we’ve moved on with our lives because we had to.
We have people counting on us. Jess is kind of at a different place in her life.
She only has herself right now. The place I was not too long ago.
I know how much Jess loved you. I think she still has feelings for you.
Even if she won’t let herself feel anything right now. ”
The constant ache in my heart throbs stronger. I wish I could believe that Jess still feels something for me, or that she feels nothing for Michael.
I stand up to leave, and Jasmine gives me a hug with the baby between us.
“Thank you for everything. You really saved us. I’m sorry I laughed.
It was a very sweet offer. If you had asked me three days ago, I might have taken you up on it.
” She squeezes my arm. “I’m happy to have you as a brother.
If Stevie is anything like his dad, it will take all of us to raise him. ”