Chapter 76 Jess - Overthinking
seventy-six
Jess: Overthinking
Weekends are the worst. There’s nothing to do but hang out at my empty apartment and think. I can't go for a run. I don’t have any homework because I’m not taking classes now. I can't focus enough to read or watch TV. I keep thinking about what Jacob is doing right now. He could already be in Iraq.
I think about what the next year will be like, knowing he’s there, but not knowing what’s going on.
If something happened to him, I’m sure Trina would let us know.
Beyond that…then I think about beyond that.
What’s it going to be like when he’s home?
When I find out he’s dating someone, getting married, moving on with his life?
That spiral of thoughts will lead me to the bottom of a pit I’m afraid I won’t be able to climb out of.
I struggle to pull myself out of my funk.
There are still a couple of things the police officer suggested I haven’t done yet.
My lease doesn’t allow pets, so a dog is out for now.
The part of her advice that I’ve been avoiding comes back to me.
I need a gun.
My dad has an entire arsenal in his gun safe.
She warned me it would need to be one that is registered in my name to cover my bases legally, in case…
Then I remember. I do own a gun. It’s a rifle my dad bought me for my eighteenth birthday.
He tried to get me to go hunting with him.
I couldn’t stomach it, so I’ve only used it for target practice.
It’s not something I could carry as a concealed weapon, but it is registered to me.
I haven’t shot a gun since I shot Brad in the leg.
After everything that happened before, the thought of shooting it, even in self-defense, makes me sick.
But I don’t want to be dead either. I have some idea of what my death would do to my parents, and Tyler, even Jacob.
No one’s home. My parents are celebrating their anniversary with a cruise, and Tyler is backpacking with his friends—a last hurrah before they start their senior year.
I could get my gun, get in and out without having to answer questions.
I don’t want to make them worry about me any more than I already have.
I make myself get up and grab my keys.