Eleven
DM EXCHANGE:
@LetiIsTrying: Saw your last video, I’m sorry about the mural being washed off. It sounded like it meant a lot to you.
@Angela: Thanks, Leti. I appreciate it.
@LetiIsTrying: Of course. I’m here if you ever need to talk. But speaking of your last post, I did want to mention something…
@Angela: What is it?
@LetiIsTrying: I think we live in the same city.
@LetiIsTrying: It looked like you were filming from the Tower of the Americas. Do you live in San Antonio?
@Angela: No way! You live here too?
@LetiIsTrying: I do!
@LetiIsTrying: And suddenly I’m not so bummed about the prospect of someone else being your first kiss. I’m very competitive, you know.
@Angela: I gathered that from your livestreams. You’re very… spirited when things don’t go your way
@LetiIsTrying: What can I say? I like to win
@LetiIsTrying: Btw, if the next time I say “Fuck me, Jesus Christ” on a livestream and you comment again with “He can’t do that, Leti, he’s a man of god” or something equally as quippy, you’re going on my shit list
@Angela: Come on, Leti. We both know you love my antics. And when you lay it all out like that, I’m surprised you haven’t gotten a TikTok violation yet
@LetiIsTrying: You and me both
@LetiIsTrying: Get ready, Angela. I’m about to make this scavenger hunt my bitch.
My nights are spent online now more than ever. Except this time, I’m not posting or scrolling through comments. I’m searching for answers.
After hours of scrolling through @TheGreatAcecape’s account, I’m more or less confident I’m still ace, which is a relief, but there’s an ever-growing possibility that I’m not aegosexual like I once thought. @TheGreatAcecape doesn’t use any micro labels publicly, but from their experience (or at least what they’ve shared online about it), they’re the closest match to my own identity.
I just wish I could talk through the confusion of what I’ve been feeling lately with someone. I’ve chatted briefly with Leti about her graysexual identity, but the thought of talking to her about this doesn’t sit well with me. It would mean admitting my feelings for another woman, which is an asshole move even if what we’re doing is just harmless, flirty banter.
Then there’s the added layer of us living in the same city. I should be more excited at the prospect of meeting one of my “potential suitors”—as Krystal calls them—in person. If anyone’s a contender for my heart, it should be her, shouldn’t it? Leti, with her sleek black hair, sparkling brown eyes, and dazzling smile. Leti, with her voice like velvet, despite her penchant for cursing out the screen when a playthrough doesn’t go her way. Sweet one moment, borderline terrifying the next.
No doubt there’s something intriguing about her, and maybe if it wasn’t for the Krystal of it all, I would have a clearer head about where we stand. But I don’t even have a clear stance on my identity at this given moment, so I’m hopeless either way.
I’m about to click away from @TheGreatAcecape’s profile when my gaze lands at the top of the screen. Where previously there was a checkmark, now there are two arrows indicating that we’re following each other.
We’re mutuals .
When I realized I might be asexual a few months ago, I binged every video on their account. If they liked or commented on any of my previous videos, somehow I missed it. Hell, I don’t even know when they started following me back. The message button at the top of their account feels like a beacon. What are the chances they’d reply back to me?
Only one way to find out.
For half an hour, I craft out my casual-yet-thought-out message, switching over to the Notes app lest I accidentally hit send on an unfinished message. Once I’m confident in what I have, I copy and paste it into the message box and hit send.
@Angela: Are we really mutuals on here? I’m not hallucinating? I’ve been following you for months when I first realized I might be ace. Your account has been instrumental in helping me understand my identity better! I hate to bother you (feel free to tell me to fuck off at any time), but recently I’ve been going through a crisis of identity. Idk maybe that’s a dramatic way to put it, but I’m sort of at a loss after dedicating so much time into finding an identity that fits my experience best, but something happened that’s left me… confused. I feel like I just need to talk it out with someone who understands. I don’t have any ace friends where I’m living, so any insight you have would be greatly appreciated.
It takes a few hours for them to reply, but I can’t help smiling at my inbox when they do. The message they sent back is brief, but it’s the opening I’ve been waiting for.
@TheGreatAcecape: Hi Angela! Love your account. I’m super invested in your scavenger hunt series. I’m open to talk whenever you need to
I take them at their word. I pour my soul into my next message, explaining about my time spent with Krystal, including my five years of crushing on her from afar. Their reply is fast, asking pertinent questions and helping to narrow down what exactly the issue I’m having is.
@TheGreatAcecape: A question you need to continually ask yourself is this: does this make me want to have sex with her? It can be hard pinning down which attractions you feel for someone, especially if you haven’t been hanging out with them for very long. If you’re not sure, the answer is likely no. Have you tried imagining it?
Imagining… me and Krystal in a sexual way? Not exactly. I fantasized about her , not me and her together. Is that where the difference lies? I close my eyes and try to picture it, but the second I include myself in the fantasy, it all falls apart. Another notification makes my phone buzz.
@TheGreatAcecape: What I find helpful for gauging my own attraction level is if I can’t imagine myself having sex with someone, let alone fantasize about it for pleasure, then I’m probably not sexually attracted to them.
@Angela: What if I can’t imagine myself having sex with her, but I might want to have sex with her anyway? My body physically responded to her touch, which has never happened with anyone before. Could that be sexual attraction?
Their reply takes a few minutes to come in.
@TheGreatAcecape: It could be. Let me ask you another question. If someone else in your life had been the one touching you, would you have had the same response? Would it have made you uncomfortable? Would you have felt anything at all?
I consider the question, even though my immediate reaction is that anyone aside from Krystal would’ve made me uncomfortable. At least, anyone but…
@Angela: The only other person I’d probably have had the same response to is Sophia Bush But we all have our exceptions, right?
@TheGreatAcecape: Personally all my exceptions are in theory rather than in practice, but I can see what you mean.
@Angela: Can I ask you one final, TMI question if it’s okay with you?
@TheGreatAcecape: Of course, I don’t mind oversharing.
@Angela: How did you know you were sex favorable? I feel like I could be, but it’s hard to know when I haven’t actually done anything. I just don’t want to seem stupid whenever the time comes, but I have no idea what to expect or what the experience will be like for me.
@TheGreatAcecape: When I started dating my partner, I thought I might be demisexual because we only started having sex after I felt comfortable with her. I have a high sex drive, but until I met her I felt frustrated by all this pent-up sexual energy and having nowhere to release it. She could breathe on me and I’d jump her immediately. At the same time the most random shit could make me horny, and they weren’t always instigated by my partner despite the fact that she was the one I was sleeping with.
It wasn’t until a few months into our relationship after I’d gotten all that energy out of my system that I realized I wasn’t demi and that I wasn’t sexually attracted to her at all like I’d once thought. I can still be sexually stimulated and enjoy sex, if a bit less enthusiastically than I could in the past. It just takes a bit more concentration for me to come. I might not desire sex as often as I once did or be sexually attracted to her, but I do it because sex is important to her and the experience we share together in the moment is equally as important to me.
I know some aces who view it as a chore or as some menial, boring task because they don’t have this overwhelming need to jump their partner’s bones, but everyone’s different, and everyone’s enjoyment level of the actual act is different, and not at all dependent on sexual attraction.
I let out a laugh about @TheGreatAcecape wanting to jump their partner after she breathed on them. That’s maybe a little too relatable for me. They’ve given me a lot to think over, despite the final answer I’m still lacking. I suppose I’ll have to wait and see how differently I feel the next time I hang out with Krystal.
I send back a message thanking them for all the help. When I settle into bed, I’m still thinking over the possibilities in my head. It’s a relief that I’m still ace, but my micro label might be changing. I’m just not sure what the right fit is yet.