Seventeen
M e?” I blink slowly, confused by this abrupt topic change. My chest hurts watching her wipe the tears from her face. She straightens, composing herself and clearing her throat. Tucking away this new, vulnerable side of her before I can get a closer look.
“I’ve been doing a lot of research since I found out about your identity,” she says, surprising me all over again.
“Really?” I’m stunned, but also touched that she would take the time to do that. Earlier, she described her romantic and sexual attraction so succinctly. I wonder if her research had anything to do with it.
“Yeah. There was a lot I didn’t know about the asexual spectrum, and I thought if I was going to help you with the scavenger hunt, I should know more about your identity. I wondered if you were wanting to find a partner who’s also ace-spec.”
“Not necessarily,” I tell her. “But I guess I worry sometimes about being misunderstood by an allo partner.”
“I get that,” she says. “What would you want them to know about you?”
“The usual, I guess. That just because I’ve experienced little to no sexual attraction in my life doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me or that I’m not as into them as they are into me. And that sex isn’t everything, even if I am sex favorable. At least, I am in theory rather than in practice. That’s something I’m still trying to work through.”
“You don’t have to have it all figured out right away.”
“I know that.” I turn my head to her. “But in some ways, it feels like I do. Sex is make or break for so many people. I don’t want to put myself in an uncomfortable position like that just to break up because it turns out I don’t like having sex after all.”
“Okay, so let’s talk through it. What makes you think you’re sex favorable?”
“I’m not sex-repulsed or averse,” I say. “That’s why it took me so long to realize I was ace in the first place. I’ve never been disgusted by the idea of sex, but I can’t say I’ve ever desired it to the degree other people seem to.”
“Okay.” She nods. “This is good. Keep going.”
“Lately, I’ve been wondering if I might be graysexual or cupiosexual,” I tell her. “You’re actually part of the reason.”
“Me?” Her mouth drops open in a perfect O.
“Well, you and Sophia Bush.” I laugh. “There have only ever been two women that have made me question whether I’ve experienced sexual attraction before, and you’re one of them.” She’s silent for so long, I start to wonder if I’ve shared too much. “Is it okay that I’m telling you this?”
“Yeah, it’s okay.” She nods, voice low. “It should come as no surprise that I’m extremely attracted to you too.”
It shouldn’t, given that I still remember the way she stared at my chest my first time in her apartment, playing nurse to my injuries. Hearing confirmation from her lips, however, fills me with an enormous amount of relief.
I’m not alone in this, whatever this is. She’s right here with me too.
“Do you want to share what specifically led you to thinking you might be graysexual or cupiosexual?” she asks. “Cupio is when you identify as ace but still desire a sexual relationship, correct?”
I nod. “So, the way I explained it in one of my videos is that sex primarily exists in my head, right? So when I fantasize about sex, it’s usually not with a specific person, and it definitely never includes me. Except for two very specific instances. The first was Sophia Bush in One Tree Hill , specifically when she wore that red lace top for some of the promo shoots.”
“An iconic look.” Krystal nods sagely. “I can see how it would’ve enamored you.”
“It did a lot more than enamor me the weekend I discovered those pictures, I’ll tell you that.” I laugh. “The second was actually when you were taking care of my injuries.”
“Was that the first time you felt attracted to me?”
“As far as sexual attraction goes… yeah.” I nod. “I don’t think I’d ever felt that way about you until then. Romantic attraction is another story.”
“So both times, it was a specific instance that triggered feelings of sexual attraction.”
I nod at her assessment.
“Has it ever gone away?”
I shake my head. “Brooke Davis is going to be my TV girlfriend until the end of time, I fear. And how I feel about you… I don’t see that going away any time soon either.”
Her gaze is molten, rendering me incapable of looking away. It’s intense, whatever this pull is between us. Sexual attraction? Something more, mixed with all the romantic feelings I’ve never been able to shake when it comes to this woman?
“Graysexual fits,” I say. “Leaning more toward ace than allo, since sexual attraction is something I’ve so rarely experienced. I’m not sure that alone makes me sex favorable, though. Generally speaking, I’ve wondered what sex would feel like, but it’s not and never has been the reason I want a relationship with someone.”
“That makes sense. Could you be sex favorable if the sex you had incorporated your fantasies?”
“Maybe.” My brows furrow in thought. “I think so.”
“Okay, then.” The way she’s smirking at me has butterflies swirling in my stomach. “Now, let’s hear about those fantasies.”
I swallow hard. I’m not used to being the cornered one, but there’s something about Krystal’s curiosity that has my pulse racing. Something about her hooded eyes traveling down my body that has me shivering on the barstool next to her.
“You mean, like, positions or…” I trail off, squeezing my thighs together.
“Whatever works for you.” She tries to play it cool with a shrug, but her shoulders are tight. I have a feeling she’s more invested in my answer than she’s letting on. Her throat works on a swallow. I only notice because she keeps touching her hand to the crook of her neck. My eyes follow the movement of her hand, trailing down to the delicate bones of her clavicle. “For example, one of mine would be… light bondage.”
“Really?” I clear my throat when the one word comes out gravelly. “Are we talking fuzzy handcuffs, or is that too hardcore?”
“I’d start with silk ties.” She bites down on the pad of her thumb. “But I’m pretty much into anything that has my hands pinned above my head.”
Interesting.
I imagine doing what she’s described, pinning her wrists above her head, the way she’d look up at me with that pretty blush coloring her cheeks, eyes wide in shock. If I kissed her, I’d have more control of her movements. I could lead the pace, figure out what suits me without the pressure of her hands roaming before I’m ready for them.
“Your turn.”
For a moment, I think about where to start. “There are kind of a lot, but there’s one I keep going back to. You know those guided masturbation audios?”
“Yeah.” She nods. “They definitely come in handy every now and then.”
“Right.” I try to laugh, but it comes out hoarse. “Well, I don’t really use them for me. I use them to imagine someone else doing what the narrator says to do.”
“So you imagine someone else masturbating?” She cocks her head. “Someone else taking instruction?”
“Well, I can’t say being the one doing the instructing doesn’t intrigue me. Sex is foreign territory for me. I feel like I’d need rules or some sort of guidance in order to navigate it, since I don’t like the idea of being the one to give up control. But that’s not really relevant to the guided masturbation fantasy. It’s more that I want to feel as good as the woman in my head does, if that makes sense.”
I bite down on my bottom lip. This conversation is making my libido go into overdrive. Now that she’s put the thought out there, I can’t help the sudden need building inside me. I don’t know what it says about me that just talking about sex has me all hot and bothered.
That you’re a stereotypical horny virgin, that’s what.
“So what I’m hearing is, you want someone to give you a show?” Her smirk is razor-edged. As her eyes darken, shiny pink lips parting on an intake of breath, all I feel is the undeniable edge of desire pooling low in my belly.
“If they’re willing,” I hedge, shrugging tense shoulders. “Who am I to turn them down?”
My blood heats at the picture she’s put in my head. Of Krystal putting on a show for me. Touching herself the exact way I tell her to. I’m almost tempted to ask for a demonstration here and now, despite how wildly stupid of an idea that would be. Except right now, with her staring at me the way she is, I can’t recall a single reason why.
“Oh, yeah?” Her mouth quirks up at the side. “So you’re saying you wouldn’t turn me down?”
“Who in their right mind would turn you down?” The words just come blurting out of me, no thought to the consequences.
Her body rises from the stool, eyes trained on me as she whips off her top in the space of a ragged breath. My eyes immediately fall to her lace bralette, sheer enough to make out brown nipples through the fabric.
Good fucking lord, what is this woman doing to me?
“What—” No amount of throat-clearing in the world can surpass the lump lodged at the back of my esophagus. “What are you doing?”
“Bringing your fantasy to life.” She chucks off her jeans. “Consider it a test. If this works the way I think it will, you’ll have a clearer idea if you’re sex favorable. Does that work for you?”
For a long moment, all I can do is stare at her. From her heavy breasts to the soft rolls of her body to the skimpiest pair of red panties I’ve ever seen. Does that work for me? What a stupid question. It’s taking all the self-control I can muster not to squirm in my seat, that’s how much this works for me.
And yet…
There’s a wild, unhinged part of me that wants to see this ludicrous idea of Krystal’s through. To see more of her than I’ve ever seen of another person in the flesh. If there’s anyone I’d feel comfortable enough to act out one of my sexual fantasies with, it’s her.
“Or I can put my clothes back on.” She crosses her arms over her chest, suddenly self-conscious.
“Don’t you dare.”
Surprise touches her features, that pink blush coloring her skin again before her mouth transforms into the most radiant smile I’ve ever seen. I rise from my seat, carefully moving her arms to uncross over her chest. I take her in from a closer vantage point, sucking in a shallow breath. God, she’s gorgeous. So gorgeous, it’s unfair. I lick my dry lips, clocking as her gaze moves down my face to watch the movement.
“Just to be clear…” She shivers as I whisper into her ear. “You want me to tell you what to do?”
She nods.
“You want me to tell you how to run your hands down your body? How to get off?” I ask. “You’ll do everything I say, exactly the way I tell you?”
She bites her bottom lip, then nods again.
“Okay, then,” I say. “Take me to your bedroom.”