Twenty
CAPTION:
ACTUALLY, I’M A GRAYSEXUAL LESBIAN?
@ANGELA CLOSED CAPTIONS: There have only been two times in my life, at least that I can recall clearly enough, where I’ve experienced sexual attraction. The first was easy enough to discount because unfortunately, I have not and will never meet Sophia Bush in person. And I mean, yeah, I’ve had other celebrity and fictional crushes before, even on men, but none of them compare to Brooke fucking Davis.
I won’t go into detail about the second time, but it’s safe to say it happened fairly recently and sort of threw me for a loop. After giving myself the time to contemplate and explore this side of myself I never fully realized was there, I have an answer. Because I experience sexual attraction so rarely, I’m actually graysexual rather than ace like I once thought.
All of this is to say, this is your reminder that labels aren’t one-size-fits-all. Identities can be fluid—something that fit you five years ago might not necessarily fit you now, and that’s okay.
COMMENTS:
@Alisha: We’re both discovering things about ourselves at the same time because I realized recently that I’m demisexual!
@LetiIsTrying: Okay, but Sophia Bush is HOT I’d be confused too
@HavanaGirl1015:
“Something happened with Krystal last night.”
Marcela’s desk chair whips around. In a red body-con dress that falls off her shoulders, this is the most gorgeous I’ve ever seen her. Her lipstick and the rose in her hair match the dress. It’s not the most appropriate look for a librarian for teens, but it’s book club tonight and I recognize the signs of Rosalinda from Sinner’s Isle when I see her.
“Tell me.” She claps her hands. “Tell me tell me tell me—”
“Okay, first off, calm down. All this excitement is making me anxious.”
Truth be told, I’ve been anxious since I came in this morning. If Erika hadn’t asked me to withdraw the five boxes of library materials as soon as I entered the office, I would’ve bombarded Marcela with this news hours ago. Plus, anytime I’m not working, I’m on my phone texting Krystal. I haven’t logged in to complete a single assignment today, so I’ll probably have loads of schoolwork to catch up on when I get home from work.
What are you up to tonight?
The text had come in after I got through withdrawing two boxes of material. I smiled to myself, thankful that no one could see me through the stacks of books surrounding my desk.
It’s book club tonight at the library. Everyone’s dressing up and there will be plenty of snacks. You should come!
I didn’t think twice about inviting her. We’re friends, right? There isn’t anything weird about asking her to come, no matter how excited the idea makes me.
Is there a theme? I’ve never had to come up with a costume on the fly. Ugh, I’m already stressed out.
What time should I be there?
Don’t feel you need to come in costume, it’s mainly just to get the kids excited. But if you want to, you can dress as whoever you want! We start at seven
“How long have you been hanging out?” Marcela asks me now. “Did she ask you out? You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for it to be your turn to talk romance.”
“Probably about as long as you’ve known me.” I grimace. “We’ve been hanging out… awhile.”
Marcela slaps a hand on her desk. “Why didn’t you tell me?!”
“Because it’s not a big deal,” I say. “And no, she didn’t ask me out. We’re just friends.”
She visibly deflates. If only she knew. Krystal asking me out seems tame compared to what we did instead.
“Okay, so what happened, then?”
“We…” I glance around the office. There’s one other assistant back here, Andrew Thomas. He has headphones in, but he’s been known to wear them to eavesdrop on conversations. My voice lowers to a whisper. “It’s not exactly safe-for-work conversation.”
Her eyes practically bug out of her skull.
“But you’re just friends?” Her smile is smug. “I’ve heard this story before, you know.”
“When are you taking your lunch break?” I glance at the clock on her desk, which reads a minute to noon. We both stare at it, willing the digit to move. When Erika emerges from her office and finds us having a staring contest with the clock, she practically shoos us out of the office.
Fifteen minutes later, Marcela pulls into a parking space from the drive-through and turns the car off.
“Just like old times,” I say as I hand over her order. “Feels like just yesterday we were here talking about you and Theo.”
“And your accidental adventures in thirst trapping.” She laughs. “By the way, I finally got ahold of the new library assistant at the school.”
“Oh yeah?” I ask. “Is she cool? What was her name again?”
I make the mistake of biting into a chicken tender at the same time she says, “Very. Her name’s Leticia Maldonado.” Her eyes glitter. “And guess what? She’s ace-spec.”
Marcela is oblivious to the bombs she just dropped on me. Leticia? Ace-spec? There isn’t a single doubt in my mind she’s talking about Leti. I try to swallow down my food, but my throat is too dry. And then Marcela isn’t so oblivious to my turmoil anymore when I start choking on a particularly thick piece of breading.
“Here!” She hands me her water bottle. “Angela, drink!”
I do, breathing a sigh of relief when nothing is clogging my throat anymore.
“She doesn’t happen to go by Leti, does she?”
“I think so?” She raises a brow. “How did you know?”
“I may have… met her already. Online, at least.”
“Oh, dear.” Marcela lets out a long sigh. “She wouldn’t happen to be one of the many women you’ve been flirting with through TikTok, would she?”
“There aren’t that many.” Not anymore, at least. I stopped responding to a lot of them when the scavenger hunt stalled and Krystal and I started hanging out more. The only reason I keep talking to Leti is because I genuinely like her.
If it weren’t for the Krystal of it all, I could see us being something more. Brunch on Sunday mornings, meeting her family and winning them over with my charming personality, kissing on the couch as a movie we’re clearly not watching plays on. Maybe I’d even develop sexual feelings for her, though it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I didn’t.
“Do you like her?” Marcela asks. “The same way you like Krystal?”
“It feels wrong to compare them,” I say. “Especially because I haven’t met Leti in person yet. But I do like her, a lot. That’s why everything’s so complicated now.”
“I’d be more excited for you if it wasn’t for Krystal. Which brings us back to the reason we’re here.” She gives me a pointed look. “What exactly led you to believe mutual masturbation was a good idea?”
We’d talked through current events on the drive here. She almost ran a red light when I dropped that particular bomb on her, and my life flashed before my eyes.
“It made sense at the time. Plus, I think I understand my boundaries better now when it comes to sex. Things I’m willing to do and things I’m not.” I smirk to myself. “Turns out I’m graysexual, and not opposed to much. At least when it comes to Krystal.”
“Did it go much further than mutual masturbation?” Marcela asks, brows creased like she thinks I’m hiding something from her.
“I touched her ankle,” I divulge. “And there may have been some dirty talk in the form of guided masturbation. I surprised myself with that, let me tell you.”
Who knew my kink was being bossy in the bedroom? Certainly not me, but it makes sense. I like the sense of control it gives me. Sex is still a somewhat overwhelming idea, maybe because it’s something I’ve never experienced. But when the power’s in my hands, it doesn’t feel so nerve-wracking. Quite the opposite, really.
“Not the ankle fetish,” she mutters to herself. “No wonder you like those historical romances so much.”
“Shut up, Marcela.” I laugh. As great as last night was, the way we left it is still burned in my mind. I wouldn’t mind canceling the scavenger hunt if Krystal felt the same way I do. I’d do it in a heartbeat, even if Natalia changed her mind about helping. But she hasn’t, and I’m back to square one regardless of Krystal’s feelings for me.
“Does this change your plans for the scavenger hunt?” Marcela asks, reading my mind somehow.
“I’m not sure,” I answer, still thinking about Krystal. “I’m still being bombarded with comments asking for an update on when it’s happening. Leti would participate for sure, and based on her competitive streak alone, she’d probably win.”
“And then you’d be two librarians in love.” Marcela’s eyes sparkle. “I kinda like the sound of that.”
“I feel like I’m cheating.” I frown into my bag of fries before pulling one out to munch on. “I’m not dating Leti or Krystal and I’m already confused and exhausted.”
“Welcome to the dating pool you created for yourself.” Marcela laughs. “You wanted options, you got options.”
“I take it all back. I should’ve joined an app.” After I demolish my fries, I turn back to her. “How did you know it was right for you and Theo to do the casual thing before becoming something more?”
“We couldn’t handle anything more than casual. Not at first. It’s not like we expected to ever want something more with each other.”
“What made you change your mind?”
She thinks over the question as she bites into her burger. “It wasn’t just one thing, you know? My feelings for him changed slowly and so unexpectedly. Even then, I worked overtime to deny what was happening. I didn’t give in until I knew I could trust us to make it work.”
I nod to myself, even though I knew all this already. I was just hoping if I heard it from her a second time, some part of her story would resonate with what I’m going through with Krystal.
“It’s probably different if the person you can’t trust is yourself.” What will it take to change Krystal’s mind? What will it take for her to forgive herself? “When you’ve been made to believe that you’re not a good person. How do you get over something like that?”
“Who told you you’re not a good person?” Marcela’s brows crease as I realize the mistake I’ve made.
“Um…” As much as I’m dying to tell Marcela everything, telling her this much about Krystal feels like a betrayal. “Never mind. I’m just thinking out loud… about nothing in particular.”
She doesn’t look like she believes me, but she lets it go for the moment. “Did Krystal say something about wanting a casual relationship? Is that why you asked me?”
“Yeah.” I nod. “We want different things. No shocker there. Unrequited love never works out in the end, does it?” Except, I’m not convinced it’s as unrequited as I thought. Maybe that’s why I still can’t let this go.
“That sucks.” Marcela’s mouth turns down in a frown. “Did she say why?”
“It’s… it’s not my place to say.” Marcela’s expression doesn’t change. “Seriously, don’t push this. We agreed to just be friends, previous encounter notwithstanding.”
“ Friends . Right.” She shakes her head, and dread settles in the pit of my stomach. “Because that always works out exactly how you think it will.”