Twenty-Nine
CAPTION:
THIS EVER HAPPEN TO ANYONE ELSE?
@WILLWORKSOUT CLOSED CAPTIONS: Anyone else date a girl in high school who turned out to be a lesbian? I just came across her page the other night and I’ll admit, I was taken aback. But from what I can tell, she seems to be doing really well for herself. I’m happy for her, especially since I was a complete jerk when we went out. So, Angela, if you’re watching this, I’m sorry about what happened, and wishing you all the best.
COMMENTS:
@Angela: Well, this is certainly a throwback. Sorry our date was such a flop but as I’m sure you can see now, we never would’ve worked out
Replying to @Angela
@Alisha: Wait, but I thought you’ve never dated anyone before?
Replying to @Alisha
@Christine: I’m also lost here
Replying to @Alisha
@Esme: Not your lies catching up to you
Replying to @Alisha
@Angela: We went on one date our senior year and I spent the entire night on my phone. He tried to kiss me at the end of the night and accused me of leading him on, which is what I’m assuming he meant when he said he was a jerk when we went out.
Replying to @Angela
@WillWorksOut: You assumed correct. I’m really sorry about that, btw. You didn’t deserve any of that.
Replying to @WillWorksOut
@Esme: So did you two hook up or not? I’m still trying to get all my cousin’s lies straight…
Monday night after work, I return to the drawing board. Krystal was right about one thing—Fiesta would make the perfect backdrop to the scavenger hunt. After a few hours of brainstorming, I discover that there are plenty of downtown locations that would make perfect scavenger hunt locations and cut down on driving time. I’m not sure I’m totally in love with my replacement for Natalia’s art piece, but I don’t know if she’ll see me again either.
After making some calls on Tuesday night to secure a few places for two weeks from now, I catch sight of The Woman in Wanting hanging from my wall. Her eyes seem to pierce through me, questioning how I can solidify a date for the scavenger hunt without Natalia. “Don’t look at me like that.” Great, now I’m talking to digital art prints. “Natalia isn’t going to help me. She told me so herself.”
The print doesn’t respond, because it’s paper . “You want me to prove it?” I grab my phone and scroll to find Stephanie’s contact. “I’ll show you.”
She answers on the third ring. “Angela, hey.” Stephanie sounds breathless, like she’s been running. “How’s it going?”
“Good, for the most part,” I respond. “Is Natalia available to talk?”
“Sure thing, she’s right—” There’s a bit of shuffling. I can just make out voices mumbling back and forth. It goes on for so long, I think about hanging up. I glance back at The Woman and mouth, Told you so , when a new voice finally comes on the other end of the line.
“What do you want?”
“Natalia.” I didn’t think she’d actually take my call. “How are you?”
“The same.” I wait for more words to come, but that seems to be it.
“Oh, well… I’m sorry.”
“Why are you calling?”
It’s obvious she hasn’t changed her mind about helping me, and it almost feels like adding insult to injury to ask again. If she’s not showcasing anywhere, asking for her involvement could potentially mean asking her to create a whole new art piece, which is a huge ask on its own even without considering her slump. I should hang up and apologize for wasting her time. Instead, I’m staring at the art print Natalia gave me and wondering how off base I am in my interpretation.
“What does The Woman in Wanting mean?” The question comes bursting out of me without forethought.
“What do you think it means?” I cross my arms and slump in my desk chair. Figures Natalia would answer a question with a question.
“I know what I think it means,” I tell her. “I’ve been applying my own false meaning to it since I spotted it from the Tower of the Americas. I poured so much of myself into a mural I couldn’t even touch, and then it got washed away. Just like that.”
“It spoke to you,” Natalia says. “What’s always drawn me to art is that there’s no right answer really. There’s no one telling you your interpretation is wrong. You use your senses to explore what an art piece means to you, how it makes you feel, what emotions it provokes. It obviously provoked something in you.”
“I guess you’re right.” As unsatisfying of an answer as that is, it’s all she’s willing to give me. Not that she owes me any kind of explanation. Maybe it’s better this way. I get to keep applying my own meaning without the artist’s intention influencing me one way over another.
“I’m sorry, by the way,” she says. “I shouldn’t have told you to quit TikTok. If anyone had told me back then to quit sharing my art online, I wouldn’t have listened. I shouldn’t have acted like I knew better than you about what would happen. You’re not me, even though meeting you felt like history repeating.”
“It’s okay, Natalia. I think I get it now. You were just looking out for me, even if it came out…”
“Like I’m a raging asshole?”
“I was going to say aggressive.” I laugh. “Is it okay to ask you what happened?”
A deep sigh fills the phone static.
“The same bullshit, over and over, until I couldn’t take it anymore,” she says. “It started when one user asked me if I was queer. This was before I had an answer—when I was exploring how I felt about myself and queerness through my art. You know the nature of the internet; they don’t like when an answer isn’t tied up with a neat little bow.”
Isn’t that the truth. Ever since I commented on Will Mora’s post about me, I’ve been getting more questions than ever. A few people even migrated back to my most recent video to demand answers.
@Christine: Why say you’ve never dated before when you clearly have? Even if it was just one date with @WillWorksOut that didn’t go anywhere, it still counts.
Replying to @Christine
@Katie: Wait, someone catch me up. What happened?
Replying to @Christine
@Alisha: Did you see what her cousin commented? I don’t know what to think to be honest…
Replying to @Christine
@TheGreatAcecape: I’d hardly say it counts if she wasn’t attracted to him.
I’d left another comment explaining the situation much like the one I’d left on Will’s video, and that was the end of it. At least for now.
“And then when I finally had an answer, they didn’t like that either,” Natalia continues. “Apparently, being asexual isn’t queer enough. Or I’m lying, or confused, or making up my experience to feel special. It wore on me. Especially when the people who once praised me and my art turned around and made their own platforms dedicated to destroying mine.”
“Jesus. Natalia, that’s terrible. I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“I guess you could say influencing, content creation, whatever you wanna call it”—she scoffs—“it didn’t work out so great for me. But maybe you’ll be different.”
“I’m not sure,” I admit. “I think I just got embroiled in my first online scandal. Maybe it comes for us all eventually, if we’re determined to share our lives on the internet.”
“What happened?”
I tell her about Will’s video and the questions that came out of it, including my cousin stoking the flames.
“I see. What are you going to do?”
“It’ll blow over,” I say. “I’ve already explained what happened. Twice, actually. It’s their choice whether they believe me or not.” She’s silent for so long, I’m not sure she’s still on the line. “Natalia?”
“Just promise me you’ll be careful,” she says. “And if the shit hits the fan again, call me.”
“You mean call Stephanie?” A beat later, an incoming text from Stephanie lists ten digits. “Wow. And here I thought you hated me.”
“I don’t hate you, Angela,” she says. “I’ve just… been through this before. I’d hate to see what happened to me happen to you.”
“You think it will?” She’s silent long enough for me to realize I don’t really want to know the answer. “You don’t think I’m stupid for putting on an entire scavenger hunt just to have my first kiss and broadcast the entire experience online for hundreds of thousands of people to witness?”
“You’re taking control of your life,” she says. “There’s nothing stupid about that. I only wish I could do the same.”
“Thank you for saying that. And thanks again for the art print. It’s lovely.” It’s haunting me. But I don’t tell her that, because I think Natalia has enough ghosts of her own to contend with.
When I hang up, I’m not dissuaded from moving forward with the scavenger hunt. If anything, I’m even more determined to see this through. So what if I’ve had a few setbacks? I can still pull this thing off and have my first kiss the way I originally planned to. Maybe even date around afterward, figure out who I am inside of a relationship. With Leti, or with someone else. It’s what I want. It’s what I’m ready for.
Besides, Krystal has made it clear numerous times that she’s not ready—not capable —of something more, which means I have to move on. I can’t make her change her mind, no matter how much I may want to. That’s something she has to figure out on her own.
I spend a few hours online after posting an update on TikTok, check my email for sponsorship requests (I guess I’m a real influencer after all), and then open a few message requests from followers in the San Antonio area.
The next week and a half passes in a flurry of planning and messaging potential participants back and forth. By Wednesday, I have five final locations secured with a few phone calls. By Thursday, I’m DM’ing women in town I’ve already been casually talking to online in order to confirm that they’d like to join in. Including Leti, I have at least seven women willing to participate in the scavenger hunt.
I should be excited. The scavenger hunt is nearly all planned out, I have more than a handful of willing participants, and I’m even planning an after-party at my house for everyone to get to know each other in a more casual way. But I still can’t get Krystal out of my head. I can’t help but wonder what we could be if she chooses to forgive herself. If she decides that she was wrong about love and that I’m partially the reason.
Stupid. Hopeless. And yet…
She’s still in the forefront of my mind on Friday night, when I have plans to meet up with Marcela and Leti. I’m hoping that afterward, I’ll feel reinvigorated about the scavenger hunt like I was when I first came up with the idea. I’m the first to arrive at Havana Bar by nearly an hour. Krystal is pouring drinks for a group of twentysomethings, smiling idly at them until she spots me. Her grin spreads, making my pulse jump. The group heads to a table once they have their drinks, and I quickly take their place at the bar.
“Hi.” She pushes a stray strand of hair away from her face. “This is an unexpected visit.”
“I’m meeting Marcela and Leti, but I wanted to say hi,” I tell her. “And I also wanted to let you know I won’t be needing your help anymore.”
The glass in Krystal’s hand overflows with liquor. When the liquid sloshes over the rim and puddles around the shot glass, she curses beneath her breath and makes a grab for a rag behind the counter.
“What do you mean?” she asks when she returns.
“I finished planning the scavenger hunt. I still need to make a couple calls before everything’s set in stone, but it’s done.”
“Good.” She nods, but something about the motion is agitated. “Did Natalia change her mind?”
“No. I called her the other night, and I don’t think it’s going to happen.” I shrug. “But after some brainstorming this week, I decided I could pull it off without her. So far I have five locations secured, a decent number of participants, and a date. Two weeks from now.”
“That’s… that’s great, Angela.” Her words don’t match up with her expression. She glances behind me and then down at the shot glass on the counter. “That group forgot a drink.” She picks up the glass and nods to the table behind me. “Sorry, I need to deliver this.”
The bar isn’t as packed as it usually is for a Friday, but Krystal still manages to avoid me half the night. Not that it matters, because I came here to see Marcela and Leti anyway, but it stings nevertheless. They arrive as I’m ordering my second drink of the night from another bartender, and we take the upholstered chairs in a corner.
The first thing I notice about Leticia Maldonado is that she’s stunning. She’s wearing a dark dress with cutouts along the sides that show off her curves and a small handbag with a gold chain crossed over her body. As we take our seats, multiple heads turn her direction and outwardly stare.
“ Wow , Leti. You clean up nice.”
“So do you.” Her eyes sparkle as a smile takes up her entire face. “It’s so nice to finally meet you in person.”
“All this time, how did I not know you’re a library worker too?”
“We never mentioned where we work, I don’t think,” she says. “I didn’t know that about you either.”
Marcela leaves to order a second drink fifteen minutes in, and then mysteriously disappears. She’s not slick. I know exactly what my best friend is doing. I’d appreciate the gesture more if I didn’t have a perfect view of Krystal over Leti’s shoulder. But there’s no hope there. With Leti, there might be.
I learn that Leti’s not much of a reader despite her profession, but when she does, she prefers audiobooks and graphic novels. She’s taken her side hustle as a cozy gamer on TikTok to Twitch as well, and we’re able to commiserate about our time spent largely in online communities. An hour passes, and I hardly notice.
“So, what do you think?” I ask. “Still want to join the scavenger hunt?”
“Of course I do.” She places her hand on top of my mine. “I know we were mostly joking in the beginning about saying we should date each other, but it feels like fate that we’re in the same city with the same connections, doesn’t it?”
“It was certainly a surprise.” Her soft hand warms my palm, and though it’s not an unpleasant feeling, something about the contact feels… wrong. I pull my hand away and cover by grabbing my drink. “And remind me again, are you single?” My brows waggle as she rolls her eyes, but her smile is fond. “Because it’s sort of a requirement that you have to be single in order to participate. You wouldn’t go through the trouble of winning my first kiss just to break my heart, would you, Leti?”
“Funny.” She takes a sip from her drink. “And no, Angela, I wouldn’t do that to you. Lucky for you I’m extremely single. So single, in fact, I’m the last single sibling in my family. Last of them to have my life figured out, really.”
“I don’t have any siblings, but I get it. I’m living with my parents until I graduate and find an open librarian position.”
“I just moved out of my parents’ place,” she says. “We have so much in common already.”
“We sure do.” For the first time since Leti walked in, I catch Krystal’s gaze across the bar. Her eyes quickly dart away as she turns and disappears into the back. Shaking my head, I continue. “Say you win the scavenger hunt.” Leti mimes raising her arms in victory. “What would the next step look like? Would you say you’re looking for a relationship?”
“That would be the goal, yes, if we agree there’s a connection here. I’d say it’s looking pretty good so far. Wouldn’t you?”
A crash from the bar saves me from answering. Krystal is mumbling beneath her breath as another bartender returns with a broom.
“Sounded like a bottle broke,” Leti says before turning back to me. “Anyway, where were we?”
“Um…” I blink a couple times before turning away from the bar, where Krystal is cleaning up whatever mess happened back there. “Right. Dating. Aside from messaging accidental thirst trappers on TikTok, have you been dating anyone recently?”
“Not at all.” Her mouth purses. “I haven’t been on a date in four years. After the worst first date in history, I pretty much gave up on dating until I figured out my identity. I’m trying not to be a cynic about dating, or the idea of returning to dating apps, but it’s hard not to be when you know what’s out there.”
“Yeah, I’m a little happy not to know what’s out there yet.” I laugh. “Aside from you, but I doubt anyone would become a cynic after dating you.”
She smiles shyly, casting her eyes down, and I wait to feel something. Some sort of spark or connection like she mentioned earlier. But that’s not why we’re meeting up. This isn’t a first date, and romantic feelings don’t happen instantaneously for me. They grow over time—slowly, inconveniently, until they swallow me whole.
Leti leaves soon after, and Marcela quickly takes her vacant chair.
“Well?” she asks, looking far too excited for her own good. “How’d it go?”
“She’s going to join the scavenger hunt.” When Marcela’s expectant look doesn’t change, I sigh. “What?”
“That’s it? That’s all I get?” she yelps. “This was your first time meeting your flirtationship in person! What did you think about her? Is there something there?”
“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “Maybe. It’s too soon to tell, but I…” Krystal has finished cleaning up whatever mess happened behind the bar and is now taking orders when a group of women enter. “Is it wrong of me to go through with this if my head is somewhere else?”
Marcela turns to where my gaze has landed, and then looks back at me. “That depends. Is it your head or your heart that’s elsewhere?”
“I… don’t know.”
“Come on, Angela.” She shakes her head slightly. “We both know that’s not true.”
“You’re not gonna try to convince me to give Leti a chance?” I raise a brow at her. “I thought you weren’t on Team Krystal anymore.”
“Are you kidding me? After the way she stood up for you to your cousins?” I’d given Marcela as much of an explanation as I could after the worst dinner party ever when Krystal went home and Julian and Theo hung out upstairs to give us some space. She had given me permission to tell Marcela about Isaac, and my fraught feelings for Krystal were starting to eat me from the inside out. After that, we did a deep dive on my cousins and our high school history. It felt good to finally get everything off my chest after keeping so much about my cousins to myself. “If I’d known the full story, I wouldn’t have fed them.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” I tell her, and not for the first time. “For so long, I didn’t want to talk about them with anyone. I still have a lot of pent-up shame from the way they treated me in high school.”
“Krystal’s right. They’re the ones who ought to be ashamed, not you.” I know she’s right, but it still brings a sense of relief to hear her say it. “As for Krystal, I’ll be honest. I’m still conflicted. Leaving Isaac at the altar and then waiting for him to initiate a breakup?” She grits her teeth in a grimace.
“That’s why she doesn’t think she’s capable of falling in love. She doesn’t want to get into a new relationship because she’s scared of making the same mistakes. And I get it. I really do. She doesn’t want to hurt me the same way she hurt Isaac.”
“But she’s hurting you by not being with you the way you both clearly want to be,” Marcela says, and that’s pretty much the crux of it. “What are you going to do?”
I let out a sigh. “I have no idea.”