Thirty-Seven
H ow’s everything over there?” My dad’s on speakerphone as I’m getting ready for work. “Is Julian doing okay?”
“He had a mini breakdown last night, but I think he’ll be okay.” I tell him about the stress Julian is under, excluding fears about what Tío Manuel will do when he finds out Julian’s been staying with us. My dad’s smart enough to read between the lines. “He’d probably feel better if you call and assure him he’s welcome here for as long as he needs.”
“That boy’s as stubborn as his father is.” I wince at the comparison, even if my dad has a point. Being stubborn must be a family trait, because they’re far from the only ones afflicted with it. “I’ve been telling him that from the beginning, but he’s so unwilling to ask for help. I’ll talk to him again if you think I’ll be able to get through to him.”
“He’s this close to caving, so I think you will,” I tell him. “Do you and Mom know when you’re coming back yet?”
“That’s why I’m calling,” he says, and I glance up from the mirror. “We’ll be back next week.”
“So soon? That’s great!” I smile to myself at the news. I’ve missed my parents—it’s been weird spending any amount of time at the house without them.
“Don’t tell Antonia’s girls. I don’t want word getting around yet, and Antonia told me you saw them recently.”
Oh shit.
“You heard about Briana and Esme crashing, huh?” I haven’t told my parents about the TikTok videos I’ve been making. The one blessing about them being away for a few months is it’s easier to hide all the trouble I’ve recently gotten into from them. “What did Tía Antonia say?”
“For starters, that you’re seeing someone you haven’t told us about.” His tone is teasing, and I know I’m in for it now. “You don’t keep secrets from us, mija. Why haven’t you mentioned her to us yet? It’s embarrassing to hear about your daughter’s girlfriend from someone else.”
“Oh my god, she’s not my girlfriend!” I groan. “She’s… she’s just—”
We’re not friends.
My last words to her haunt me. And then, as if I’ve summoned her, my phone vibrates with two incoming messages from Krystal.
Met with Isaac yesterday.
Can we talk?
My heart beats out of my chest. I don’t know if I should be nervous or excited about this. If I’ve learned anything from living vicariously through my friends’ relationships and romance books, it’s that a can we talk text is rarely followed by something good.
“Listen, I’ve gotta go,” I tell my dad. “I’ll call you later.”
He gives me some trouble at first, but once we hang up, I finish getting ready and head out. I’m so rattled by Krystal’s text that I don’t notice I’m twenty minutes early until I’m in the parking lot outside the library. Oh well. At least I can bother Marcela while she’s working until it’s time to clock in.
“You’re so early . And your hair is short!” Marcela brightens at her desk as I walk in. Once she notices my storm-cloud mood, however, her brows furrow. “What’s wrong?”
“What does it mean?” I ignore her question and shove my phone in her face. She glances down at Krystal’s text and winces.
“Angela, it’s too early in the day to jump-scare me with a can we talk text.” She does a full-body shiver in her chair. “How’d you leave the last conversation you guys had?”
“I might’ve let it slip that I’m falling for her.”
Marcela’s mouth falls open. “Oh, Angela.”
“And then I sort of hung up on her immediately after.” I cover my face with my hands. “She’s about to let me down easy, isn’t she? I didn’t let her a few days ago, and now she wants to meet up so there’s no possible way for the message to get misconstrued.”
“Why do you assume she’s letting you down easy?”
“Uh, hello? Have you not been paying attention?” I glance back at the door behind me. Any minute now, Erika’s going to emerge from her office and exile me to the break room until it’s time to clock in. “She doesn’t believe she’s capable of love, and I practically told her I’m in love with her.”
“Just because she’s not there yet doesn’t mean she’s going to reject you,” Marcela tells me. “She met with her ex to get closure, right? Maybe part of the closure she got was realizing that what she once believed about herself is no longer true.”
“That’s what I hoped would happen.” I sigh at the full cart of returns. “I have to clock in soon and check these in.”
“Do some at your computer.” Marcela helps me sort some piles to take to my cluttered desk. “Listen, don’t assume the worst before you know the facts. Krystal could surprise you.”
“Maybe.” But I’m not so sure. Now that my online reputation is tarnished, I’m getting used to catastrophizing before daring to hope for a positive outcome. “I guess we’ll see.”
“Do you really love her?” Marcela asks.
I let out a long sigh. It’s a good question. One I’m not entirely sure I can answer yet. The more I got to know Krystal, the more my feelings for her grew. But it hasn’t always been as happy and amazing as people make it seem. It’s been painful too. Anxiety inducing. Living with this constant fear of getting hurt, of having the rug pulled from underneath my feet when I least expect it.
“What do I know about love?” I ask instead. “Romantic love, anyway. How do I know I love her if I’ve never been in love before?”
“I don’t think romantic love is all that different from other kinds of love,” Marcela says. “It’s not a feeling. It’s a choice.”
“What do you mean?” I ask her. “Is that how you feel about Theo?”
Before she can reply, Erika’s office door opens.
“Angela.” Her tone is grave, and a sinking feeling grows in the pit of my stomach. “My office.”
I exchange a look with Marcela, but she seems just as surprised as me. Once I cross the threshold, Erika tells me to close the door, which is how I know whatever she has to say to me can’t possibly be good.
“Am I in trouble?” I ask her. “I haven’t made any more thirst traps if that’s what this is about.” Not any that can be misconstrued as inappropriate anyway.
“You’re dating the internet?” She raises a brow at me.
Fucking hell.
“Right…” I swallow, hard. “About that…”
“There is only so much inappropriate internet behavior I can defend to the board,” she says, rubbing her temples. “Here’s what’s going to happen—”
“Oh no.” My eyes sting with the sudden onslaught of tears. “I’m fired for sure this time, aren’t I?”
“Of course not.” Erika shakes her head. “At most, the board wants you to shut down your TikTok but I called discrimination and managed to talk them down from that.”
I blink up at her. “You did?”
“These are the videos the board would like you to delete.” Erika hands me a paper. I’m expecting the list to be a lot longer than it is, but I’m surprised that only three videos are listed. My initial scavenger hunt video, as well as my application to be your internet girlfriend parts one and two. “And it goes without saying that any future videos of you… offering yourself to the internet will result in consequences a lot less lenient than this.”
“Offering myself?” My brows crease until I realize what she’s talking about. “Do you mean the scavenger hunt?”
“As one board member put it, this isn’t a season of The Bachelorette .” She shakes her head. “I would’ve loved to have seen how it turned out, but I’m afraid the board isn’t having it.”
“So, that’s it, then.” An entire week of crunching, of getting Natalia on board and making sure I still had people willing to participate, all for nothing. At this point, I’m not sure what I feel. Bummed? Relieved? It’s almost laughable that I’m slapped with this news at what feels like the very last moment.
I spend the rest of the morning focused on checking in returned items and other tasks. It’s my hour for the circulation desk when I realize I forgot to text Krystal back. I stare down at my phone, racking my brain for a reply, when the glass doors whoosh open and I no longer need one, because she’s walking in. I hate how good she looks, with her hair tied at the back of her head in a high ponytail, her face clear and open and glowing. She spots me at the front desk immediately.
“Hey,” she says as she reaches me, hands in the pockets of her baggy jeans. I zero in on the sliver of skin peeking out between her crop top and the waistline of her pants, evoking memories of when I’ve seen her in less. “Did you get my text?”
“I did.” I finally have the common sense to tear my eyes away from her exposed skin and look up at her face, but it doesn’t do me any better. She bites down on her bottom lip and fidgets with the bracelet on her wrist. She’s nervous. Is it because of me, or what she has to say to me? I was already nervous about texting her back, but now I’m not sure how I feel. Somewhere between anxious, horny, confused, and unbearably sad, all mixed into a giant ball of… yearning .
“I’m sorry I haven’t had a chance to reply.” I look away from her face when staring becomes too painful. “It’s been… busy.”
She looks over her shoulder to scan the empty library. Other than her there’s only one patron inside, an older man with today’s newspaper checked out. Mr. Johnson is napping in the armchair by the windows, the paper splayed over his face to block the light. She turns back to me with a raised brow.
“What time do you get off for lunch?” she asks instead of commenting on my obvious lie. “I’ll buy this time.”
“I brought my lunch from home,” I say, and of all things, it’s the stupidest excuse I could’ve come up with, and not even a true one. “It’ll go to waste if I don’t eat it today. Plus, I have some coursework to catch up on.” That at least is partially true, but I only have two finals left to complete before the end of the semester and plenty of time, even with all the scavenger hunt madness that’s been going on.
“If you’re trying to avoid me, you could at least do me the favor of coming up with a better excuse.” Of course she sees right through me. She always has. “I want to talk to you.”
As if the universe is set on my humiliation and demise, another assistant librarian emerges from the back and dismisses me for my lunch break. With a sigh, I head to the back and tell Marcela we’ll talk later, then meet Krystal by the entrance. One thing is abundantly clear after yesterday—we’re not friends, and we can’t continue pretending we are.
A weight settles over me as I climb into her car. As much as this conversation is needed, it couldn’t have come at a worse time. My online safe haven has been disrupted and the scavenger hunt is DOA for the last time. The community I’ve spent the past few months cultivating is in tatters and I have no idea if it’ll ever be the same again. The same way I have no idea if Krystal and I will ever be the same.
Very soon, our relationship to each other is going to change. I’m just afraid it’ll be for the worse. That after today, we’ll be nothing at all. I’ve already lost so much this week. How much more can I stand to lose?