22. Frankie
Frankie
I was a coward. I’d rushed out of Aurora’s apartment two days ago and completely avoided her since then, wanting to avoid further confrontation. I kind of figured that she’d text or come down and tell me not to worry, that I didn’t need to do anything that made me uncomfortable, but I hadn’t heard a peep from my girlfriend.
Now my impulsive escape from her apartment was turning into something else. The longer it dragged on, the worse it was. Were we fighting? Were we broken up? I had no idea. I had no idea what Aurora was thinking right now. Of course if I’d just talk to her I would know. She never shied away from sharing her feelings.
It was one of many ways that we were different. I loved talking to her – I could talk to her for hours – but I wasn’t the kind of person who talked about my emotions. I was like my dad in that way. He’d never said he loved me, never shared if he was sad. He was the type of guy who showed how he felt about you with his actions, not his words.
It drove my mother crazy. Just like Aurora, she was a verbal processor.
All I knew was that I missed my girlfriend. I missed talking to her. I missed snuggling with her. And it was all my fault.
I needed to fix this, but still I waited in vain for Aurora to come to me, even though I was the one who’d ran out on her. After nearly a week I realized that it was up to me to take the next step, so I swallowed my pride and knocked on her door. She answered immediately, as if she’d heard me coming.
“Hey.” I gave her a searching look.
“Yes?” Aurora raised her eyebrows, her face a cold mask I’d never seen before. She stood in the doorway, holding the door partly open, making no move to let me in.
“Sorry I ran out the other night,” I said quietly. “And I’m sorry I can’t go to your event with you.”
“Can’t or won’t?” she asked.
“Um.”
“Is there some reason you ran out of my apartment the other night when we were in the middle of a discussion and then didn’t call or text or come by since then?” she asked.
My stomach gurgled uncomfortably. I figured I’d apologize, and we’d be good. I wasn’t expecting Aurora to still be upset with me. I was an idiot. Of course she was mad. I’d be really angry if the situation was reversed.
“You know I’m not really good with conflict,” I said. “I mean, if it wasn’t for your encouragement I’d still be dating Barbie.”
“Are you saying that it’s my fault you broke up with Barbie?” she asked incredulously.
“Well no, I didn’t mean it that way,” I said “I’m just… well, I could tell you were getting mad at me about the gala thing, so I thought it was best to distance myself for a few days until you got over it.”
“So whenever we don’t agree on something, your plan is to ghost me for a few days and then pop up here like everything’s fine?”
I was frozen in place, trying to think of the best way to fix this. But I drew a blank.
“Listen Frankie, if we’re going to have a relationship, we need to be able to have discussions,” she said with exaggerated patience. “We need to work through disagreements and consider each other’s views. And that also means that sometimes we will need to do things we’re not excited about, because that’s part of the deal when you’re a couple. I love you Frankie. I’m in love with you. But I don’t want to always be the grown-up in this relationship.”
“That’s not fair,” I protested. “It’s one event that I don’t want to go to.”
“It’s more than the event. You can’t talk about your real feelings. Ever. You don’t want to have conversations about anything bad. You completely shut down when you think there’s the slightest hint of conflict. I don’t know what all that’s about, but it’s not bringing your best self into this relationship.”
Her eyes bounced between mine. “Do you even love me? Because I have no idea.”
My mouth opened and I tried to force the words past my lips, but I remained silent.
Tell her you idiot! My brain screamed at me. Tell her she’s the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. You’re going to lose her!
But something held me back. Aurora’s question hung in the air between us like a dark cloud until she finally released a heavy sigh.
“That’s all the answer I need then. Goodbye Frankie.”
She closed the door, and I remained right where I was, staring at the wood and trying to figure out how I’d managed to make this situation even worse. Then I went downstairs and drank whiskey until I fell asleep.
The next morning I did something I rarely did voluntarily: I headed to my parents’ house. My father opened the door.
“Hey Peanut, did we know you were coming?”
I shook my head. “No. I uh, I need some advice.”
“I’ll get your mother.”
Ten minutes later I was at my parents’ kitchen table drinking tea and telling my parents about the fight with Aurora.
“Aurora is right,” my mother said when I finished. “When you’re in a relationship, you have to do stuff you don’t like to do. Do you know how many damned Cubs games I’ve gone to with your father? I hate baseball. But I go because it’s important to him.”
My father gave her a fond smile.
“I think she’s more angry about me not wanting to talk, and avoiding her all week,” I confessed. “I knew we needed to talk, but I just, well…”
“You hoped that she’d come around and be the one taking a risk?” my mother asked. “Or that she’d just cool off and everything would magically be fine?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“Did you know that your father and I almost got divorced once?”
I looked at her in shock. My parents were the most in love couple I’d ever seen.
“What? Why?”
“Because your father refused to talk to me, and I got tired of taking on all the emotional labor in our relationship.”
“How did you resolve it?” I asked.
My father spoke up for the first time. “I learned how to have hard conversations and talk about my feelings, at least a little bit. It turns out that my fear of losing your mother was much bigger than my fear of opening up.”
Mom leaned forward and met my eyes. “I know after what happened with She Who Shall Not Be Named you probably want to avoid conflict, but there’s going to be disagreements in every relationship. You just need to learn how to have them in a healthy way. Now let’s figure out how to fix things with Aurora.”