Chapter Twelve
“Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold, happiness dwells in the soul.”
—Democritus
When Ben headed out for his pre-dawn run, the door next to his room opened at the same time.
He and his neighbor froze, staring at each other.
“Michael.”
“Good morning, Benjamin.”
“What are you doing in the room next to me?”
“Stalking you?”
Ben shook his head, nonplussed.
Michael seemed to realize that “stalking” someone wouldn’t necessarily be perceived as a positive thing, so he added:
“I don’t mean to stalk you maliciously. I’ve made a study of modern romance, you see. Based on movies, books, and the omniscient Internet. Over eighty percent of people in studies say that proximity helps to foster good feelings. Unless you’re an actual stalker on a restraining order, of course. Long-distance relationships rarely work out. Though it appears that Asian cultures are more used to it than others. As we both seem to be of Caucasian descent, I felt proximity would be the best bet.”
He blinked, pausing a beat after that extended monologue.
“And because I just want to be close to you,” he rushed out. Then added as an afterthought, “It’s also easier to leave things for you to find if I live right next door.”
As he spoke, Ben noticed how Michael was dressed—in loose mesh shorts and a I-Love-Thailand T-shirt this time, and running shoes. He seemed to be fond of touristy shirts.
“Headed for a workout?” Ben guessed, arching a brow.
“Actually, I was listening at the wall we share,” Michael confessed. “You sound like you’ve had a restless night. I was going to order you some chrysanthemum tea; I read it helps to make a person relaxed and drowsy. But then I heard movement like you were getting ready to go out. And, well, here I am.”
He shrugged one shoulder.
“Don’t mind me. You do you.”
Ben didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. So, he chose not to dwell on it.
Not waiting for the other man to follow him, he set out at a brisk pace from the hotel and burst into a full-speed run.
There was almost no one out at this hour. Only a few early-bird merchants setting up their wares. The usual humidity hadn’t settled in like a heated fog yet; the air was fresh and crisp.
He needed to clear his head and exhaust his body. As he’d anticipated, and as Michael pointed out, a restful sleep eluded him again last night.
He might have jerked off three times in the shower after finally returning back to the hotel around midnight. But those releases had felt hollow. Unsatisfying.
He was hard again half an hour later. He never stopped being hard, if he was honest. But the need to come until he blacked out was new. His cock leaked untouched, making the sheets sticky as they tangled around his legs. His hands only made things worse.
He was so frustrated he wanted to punch through a wall.
He had no doubt as to the reason behind his madness. Seven’s constant “proximity” was fucking him up.
But he also knew that it was unfair to lay all of the blame at her feet. He’d felt this way for a long time. Years, in fact. If she wasn’t physically close, dreams of her haunted him anyway.
At first, they’d been amorphous. Ghostly hands of a ghostly lover caressing his skin, phantom fingers stroking through his hair. There was never a face or form. He couldn’t even tell the gender. It never seemed to matter.
Then, after his discovery of the Truth, the face and form took shape. Still indistinct, but more substantial. When he dreamed, it felt real. As if his lover was in bed with him, wrapped around him, riding him, and letting him ride them.
He’d released countless times in those dreams. Until his entire body ached, every muscle sore and abused.
But when he awoke, he was always alone. Hard and drenched in sweat. More frustrated than ever.
Something had to give.
When Ben rounded back to the hotel after the first five miles, he slowed slightly to a brisk jog. He usually ran at least five more, but today, he wasn’t alone. And though Michael wasn’t beside him, he felt a tether to the other man anyway.
Running away from his demons clearly didn’t work. Mentally, emotionally, or physically. This reckoning between him and Seven was long overdue. How fortunate that this clash of titans, so to speak, would occur far from home, on the other side of the world. He didn’t need the interference of his protective family and concerned friends.
Sometimes, a man just had to fuck and fight it out.
When he came abreast of Michael, the other man was practically crawling. He hadn’t gone very far over the last twenty plus minutes, barely even two miles. But he was already a miserable mess, one hand holding his side as he dragged his feet, panting as if he’d run a marathon.
A sedate jog was too fast to keep pace with Michael, so Ben slowed to a walk.
“Not much of a runner?” he pointed out the obvious.
Michael gave up finally and stopped. He bent over with hands on knees, heaving as if he wanted to barf.
“Not much…of anything, really,” he gasped out between deep draws of breath.
He gestured with a limp hand between the two of them.
“Not…built…like you. But then…nobody is. Never been…so weak…before. Had endless…energy. Now…everything hurts. Getting…closer to death…every second.”
Ben frowned quizzically at him.
“Were you trying to chase me? You should have run at your own pace.”
Michael lifted his head and flashed a toothy grin, momentarily stunning Ben.
“I don’t mind moving closer to death if it’s your back in front of me. As long as there’s the hope of reaching you…eventually…it’d all be worth it.”
Gods! He said the most confounding things.
Ben shook his head, wishing he could shake off the impact of those carelessly uttered words.
“Come on. I know a good coffee and dessert shop near here. It’s even air-conditioned. Let’s get you hydrated before you pass out.”
Thankfully, the mall in which the shop was located opened early. The sun was just starting its ascent. When they were seated comfortably at a table on a balcony overlooking the river, awaiting their fresh-fruit drinks and breakfast, Ben cut to the chase.
“I don’t want to date you.”
Startled at that blunt opening shot, Michael sat up a little straighter, his earlier dizziness gone.
“Okay,” he said.
Ben raked a hand through his shoulder-length waves, gathering his thoughts. The hair had come loose from the rubber band he used to knot it at the back.
Michael’s eyes tracked his hand unblinkingly, as if he wanted to run his own through Ben’s hair. And Ben desperately wanted to let him.
Which brought him back to the topic at hand.
“I want to explore this…thing between us,” he said in a low voice, “but I don’t want there to be emotions involved.”
Famous last words, he knew. He wasn’t sure he could live by them. He wasn’t sure he was built that way.
But he also couldn’t continue the status quo. He was at wits end.
“Fine by me,” Michael said readily, nodding.
It pissed Ben off, his calm acceptance.
But he needed to be rational about this. He couldn’t be upset by Michael agreeing to what he asked for.
“Maybe where it always went wrong was when I…fell for you,” he muttered.
He wasn’t one to speak without thinking through things first. But he was going on instinct now. Nothing planned. He was letting the chips fall where they may.
“Can’t imagine why,” Michael said agreeably.
“I mean, I was the most powerful of all the gods aside from the Jade Emperor. But there wasn’t much else to recommend me. And certainly not later with Lilith. From what I recall, she was a real bitch toward the end. Last and definitely least, there’s nothing special about me now, as an average human.”
Ben rather liked Seven as a human. Both Michael and Eve. And Ruth too.
He didn’t say so. This wasn’t about emotions, after all.
“Maybe we aren’t meant to be together that way,” he said instead. “Maybe I’ve been holding on to false dreams all this time. Just because my family and friends pair off with their Destined and Eternal Mates doesn’t mean I need to do the same.”
Michael nodded along, apparently following his logic.
“Well, gods don’t love,” he offered helpfully.
“It’s a fact. Love is too unpredictable. Uncontrollable. We’re too powerful to let that happen. I’m already a dangerous anomaly for having a soul.”
“But you’re no longer a god,” Ben pointed out.
Michael blinked rapidly, confused.
“Are you implying that you want me to be able to love?”
Ben shook his head, heartily annoyed with himself. There goes that false hope again!
“It’s a mere statement of fact,” he snapped.
“I’m just…tired of feeling this way. Tired of waiting for something that might never come. That doesn’t even exist, most likely. My body clearly wants you—”
The server who came with their food and drinks dropped the dishes onto their table with a clang at those words, his eyes wide as he looked between them.
When the young man left, Michael leaned over to whisper:
“My bodies clearly want you too, both of them. And so does every other body in the world, as far as I can tell.”
He eyed the server’s departing back accusingly, just as the man turned to glance back at Ben.
Ben frowned.
“That doesn’t matter to me.”
He’d never been physically attracted to anyone but Seven’s various incarnations.
Michael straightened again.
“Why not? I’d be pleased as punch if everybody wanted me. Being desirable is power.”
“It’s just a body,” Ben all but growled, feeling unaccountably defensive and irritated. “It’s—”
“No, it’s not,” Michael interrupted him.
“It’s you. It might be your body people want to possess, but it’s your soul that captivates them.”
“Except you,” Ben did growl at this.
Angry.
“Not true,” Michael reputed immediately. “I’ve always been enthralled by you. I just don’t know how to feel the way you want me to feel.”
“Feelings are off the table,” Ben reminded them both. Himself, most importantly.
He mustn’t lose sight of what this was.
And what it wasn’t.
“So, just sex,” Michael sought to clarify, eyes wide with anticipation.
“Just sex,” Ben confirmed.
He didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. But, goddammit, he was a hot-blooded male and he should be able to get some fucking relief without losing his heart and soul in the process!
Michael nodded, though a small frown creased his brow. His eyes searched Ben’s face, as if he was confused and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Ben had said enough. Speaking without thinking ahead wasn’t working out so well.
He focused on his food to reground himself.
Michael kept silent as well. Thankfully. Though he snuck glances at Ben, as if he still couldn’t believe some of the things that came out of Ben’s mouth.
That made two of them.
Eventually, Michael cleared his throat, wiping his mouth with a napkin.
“So…do you want to try on the rings and exchange theories about the dragon quests, or do you want to head back to the hotel for some marathon, no-strings-attached, end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it sex?”
Ben’s mouth quirked reluctantly at that.
“End of the world?”
“You know,” Michael said matter-of-factly, “sex so raw and obsessive you wouldn’t know that aliens invaded the earth and abducted all the humans until you were the last ones standing. And then you’d just look around at the post-apocalyptic ruins and shrug and keep right on fucking. Cuz it’s a physical imperative that you never stop.”
Ben choked out a laugh. It wasn’t from amusement, because he could well imagine the picture Michael painted.
But not yet.
Despite his own foolish bravado, he wasn’t ready to take the leap just now.
“Let’s head toward the Benchakitti Forest Park,” he said, rising from their table. “We can get a hike in before lunch.”
Michael rose as well, stretching awkwardly.
“You’re trying to kill me,” he accused.
“Or wear me down, at the very least. No matter. My desire and virility live beyond the weakness of my mortal shell. No amount of physical exhaustion can stop me from leaping into bed with you if you but give the word.”
Ben smacked the back of Michael’s head off-handedly.
Almost affectionately.
“Rein it in, Casanova. Put your considerable intellect to work for a while. Tell me about the dragon quests.”
~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~
The Benchakitti Forest Park was a manmade wonder, finished in 2022, in just over eighteen months, according to the hotel’s guidebook that Seven had read several times, cover to cover.
It was a maze of elevated walks above ponds and lakes dotted with green mounds of vegetation. The patterns were eye-pleasing and intricate, rather like some of the gardens Seven had designed for the Celestial Realm.
It was peaceful here, in a very different way than the world she used to live in.
There was the white noise of traffic in the background, some distance away. All kinds of insects buzzed and chirped. Water bubbled when amphibious creatures leapt in or came to the surface to peek out. Birds chattered noisily like busy bodies, gossiping about humans of various shapes and sizes perambulating around the oasis.
Seven suddenly realized her mistake with the Celestial Realm.
She’d made it too flawless. Too serene. Sometimes, peace could exist in chaos. And imperfections could be beautifully perfect.
They were almost the only ones about on a weekday morning. A few other tourists could be seen scattered around the walks some distance away, but they were relatively alone on their leisurely stroll, not at all the dreaded “hike” that Ben had threatened.
Which was why, Seven didn’t bother to hide when Eve’s form came upon her. From a distance, she was sure no one would be able to tell, because both Michael and Eve were equally average and forgettable.
But Ben noticed.
His sharp indrawn breath made her turn toward him. She tried to decipher his expression, but she couldn’t be sure.
So, she asked the first thing that popped into her head, “Are you more attracted to me as Eve or as Michael?”
He didn’t answer for a while, simply gazing back at her.
Eventually, he said, “Both.”
That was all. No elaboration.
She wanted to know more.
“So, you’re an equal opportunity player? What do they call it now—bisexual? Pansexual?”
This wasn’t what they were supposed to be discussing, but Seven didn’t care. She wasn’t really interested in the dragon quests any more. She’d only been interested because of Ben. And now that he was right here beside her, in the flesh, she was only interested in him.
He didn’t reply.
“Have you had a lot of no-strings-attached, emotionless sex, Benjamin?” she persisted.
She tried to keep the questions light, but a thread of steel stole into her voice nonetheless. He’d sounded so…casual about what he wanted earlier. The boundaries he’d laid out. Michael might not have argued with his logic, but Eve was feeling kind of ticked off.
It was irrational, but there it was.
“No,” he said simply.
“Why not?”
“Haven’t wanted to.”
“But you do now?”
He frowned.
“It’s not so much want as need.”
He didn’t sound happy about it, which made her madder.
But she nodded with understanding.
“Sex is good for the body,” she said sagely.
“Every body. Even gods. It’s why they have so much of it with just about anything that moves. Except for the really ancient ones, like the Old Man. But he doesn’t really have a body anymore, he’s existed for so long. That’s probably why he doesn’t have sex. Or, at least, I’d like to think he doesn’t.”
She shuddered with distaste at the thought.
“Did you have indiscriminate sex as a god?” he asked in a strangely controlled voice, glancing at her profile. “Have you had a lot of it in your human bodies?”
“Not since I lay with Byakko,” she said, “both then and now. Before him, I wouldn’t call it indiscriminate sex. It was just like any other physical exchange. It’s about power. I was selective for that reason. I took what I wanted when I wanted it. But there were very few beings who captured my interest.”
She shrugged.
“And honestly, once I had him…”
She flicked a glance at Ben.
“… had you, I’ve never wanted anyone else.”
Ben’s chest rose and fell on a long, shaky breath. His hands unfisted at his sides.
She blinked when she noticed that. When did he fist them?
“I’m…glad,” he said roughly, his voice so deep it was guttural.
It was as if the mere thought of her engaging in those physical exchanges with others wounded him.
Then, he should be able to relate to what came to mind next.
“I wish I could say the same,” she said with a twinge of bitterness, despite the faintness of the memory.
It was her Twin’s memory, after all. And while she now knew that Lilith was a part of her, she somehow still felt separate too.
His attention sharpened on her.
“What do you mean?”
She didn’t look at him. Couldn’t. She wasn’t sure she wouldn’t feel the madness and fury again. Even if it was secondhand. Even after all this time.
“Well, you did lie for many nights with the beautiful Dark Queen Ashlu, did you not?” she said, carefully keeping her tone even.
“Your seed even bore fruit. Lilith witnessed it all.”
Ben stopped walking abruptly.
Seven stopped too, turning to face him.
He looked at her as if she’d grown a second head. There was disbelief, but there was also an inexplicable anguish and agony on his unguarded face.
As if she’d gutted him with a three-pronged spear and he was bleeding out from the mortal wound right in front of her.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” she asked, a frown of incomprehension creasing her brow.
“I didn’t say anything that isn’t true. I wish you’d never lain with anyone else either, but I know at least one exception. Not that I can blame you. Queen Ashlu was arguably the most beautiful Dark One that ever lived.”
“Stop,” he rasped, his voice barely a whisper, the look on his face growing increasingly devastated.
She began to resent it. Resent him.
Lilith was the one wronged here. She’d Mated a leopard Beast. Their Bond was supposed to be unbreakable. If his love had been true, the Dark Queen never could have enslaved him. Not when she’d Claimed him first.
But not only had Ashlu successfully overridden Lilith’s Claim, she’d also borne a child from her Mate. That was somehow even worse.
And the daughter was none other than Ishtar Anshar, the Great White Beast, now Tal-Telal’s Mate and Benjamin’s grandmother.
At that thought, the rapidly spiraling venom within Seven diffused like an ink droplet in water.
Following the logic, this meant that if Queen Ashlu hadn’t captured Lilith’s Mate, Benjamin wouldn’t exist. And no matter how Seven hated to think that anyone else had possessed him in the past, she would never wish that he didn’t exist now.
Not because she wanted to be the one to possess him once and for all (though there was that, if she was honest), but because a soul like Benjamin’s must exist in the Universe. It was so much darker without his light.
Seven knew this better than anyone else.
“Well, it was a long time ago,” she said at last, taking a bracing breath. “I suppose it’s time to let the past be past.”
“You know fuck all,” Ben seethed.
Her head snapped back at the ferocity in his voice. The inexplicable rage.
She stared at him with some consternation.
He bent close to her, his much larger body looming all around her. But it wasn’t physical violence she felt from him. It was waves upon waves of undiluted pain.
“I was nothing but a possession to you, wasn’t I? A favored pet.” he ground out, his voice turned to gravel.
“No matter how much I gave, how hard I loved you, you couldn’t feel it, couldn’t give it back, could you?”
“But you didn’t really—”
He suddenly snatched her hand and held it to his chest, where his heart pounded hard and fast against her palm.
“I loved you. I’ve always loved you. Only and ever you. With every beat of my heart I’ve shown you. She took me without my choice. Do you understand that? Do you know what it feels like, to die inside while another who is not your chosen Mate takes from you, uses you? Then look across the room into the pair of eyes you’ve longed to see. To feel elated for one fucking moment that she is alive and well, that your daughter is well too. And your debasement is worth it. Anything to keep them safe.”
He crowded her against the rail of a bridge. She leaned back as far as she could, but there was no escape.
From the hand that trapped hers to his heart.
From the wrathful, pain-filled beams of his eyes.
So much pain…
She couldn’t breathe. She felt like breaking inside but she didn’t know why.
“But when you look into your Beloved’s eyes, what do you see?” he whispered now, bright eyes fractured like shattered glass.
She shook her head, afraid to know. She shook her head because she didn’t understand.
Deny. Deny. Deny!
But he didn’t let her. He forced her to face the truth:
“You see only disgust for what you’ve been forced to endure,” he told her.
“You see hatred in the one you’ve loved so dearly. And you realize in that moment that she has never loved you back. Not then, not now, not ever. And your heart breaks along with your spirit because all hope is dead. So when your ultimate execution comes, you embrace it. You pray to the gods, to anyone who’d listen, to never feel this way again.”
Abruptly, he stepped back, letting her hand drop like a dead fish. While she remained plastered to the railing.
They were both heaving huge gulps of breaths. As if they’d run a great distance and climbed the tallest mountain. Or went a few hundred rounds in a boxing ring.
She certainly felt battered and bruised.
“Give me the rings.”
She gaped up at him. He sounded deathly calm now, the violent storm of a moment before nowhere in sight.
He extended a hand and crooked his fingers in silent command.
Wordlessly, she took the rings off and gave them to him, careful not to touch him. She thought she might get burned or electrocuted by the pent-up energy surrounding him like a forcefield.
“If I have questions, I’ll let you know.”
With that, he pocketed the rings and walked away.
Seven sunk slowly down to her ass, awash with doubt and vicarious pain.
What had just happened? Had Lilith been wrong all this time?
If that was true, then everything that had motivated her, the single-minded focus on amassing power so that she would never feel powerless again, so that she could fight back and destroy those who took from her…so she would never be betrayed again, fall prey to feelings and be weak again…so she could become a god again, instead of living in borrowed skins as a fox spirit…
Was it all a lie? A false ambition built on denial?
Borrowed skins…
Something clicked into place in Seven’s mind.
Lilith had been a Pure One when she’d Claimed the leopard Beast as her Mate. But as a fox spirit, she only inhabited various skins, mortal or immortal. She wasn’t really one of them. Was that what prevented her Claim from taking root? Was that why the Dark Queen was able to force him…
That meant…
Suddenly, the reason why Lilith’s Claim failed no longer mattered. Whether she was truly loved or not didn’t matter either. It wasn’t about her.
Seven couldn’t stop thinking about her Mate.
There was an ugly word he never used. Her mind skittered away from it too, afraid to stare at it too closely.
But she knew what it was.
She’d thought nothing of it before. How he’d felt.
She’d been forced too, in her various incarnations. Even when she’d been an all-powerful god. Everything physical was a power exchange or a power struggle. Nothing more, nothing less.
But when a being possessed a soul, when their freedom of choice was taken away…it was no longer just about power. It was a brutality.
A violation.
And instead of giving him strength to withstand it by showing that she cared he hurt, even if she didn’t know how to love him, she’d added to his agony with her blatant rejection.
Seven gasped wetly, gulped and choked, rubbing furiously at her eyes.
What the hell was wrong with her? Was she crying?
But gods didn’t cry. She’d never cried. Not when the other gods and their monsters held her down and tore her apart. Not when she was imprisoned alone for tens of thousands of years.
Only when Byakko…disappeared…had she shed a few tears, not even knowing why. Lilith hadn’t cried when the Dark Queen took her Mate. Didn’t cry when he was executed before her eyes.
But now…
Seven shook uncontrollably, heaving through an endless flood of tears.
She buried her face in her arms, pulled her knees under her chin and cried and cried.