Chapter 20 Lily
TWENTY
LILY
As night fell, Danzin sat opposite me at the small table in a corner of the Gilbrook Castle garden.
A fire blazed merrily in a pit nearby, keeping the worst of the chill away, and candlelight twinkled all around us.
Grimelda had really outdone herself with the atmosphere of romance tonight.
But I was growing very tired of this ridiculous seven-suitor courtship, and had decided it was time to begin its end.
The small flame of a candle flickered between us, and I resisted the temptation to blow it out.
I didn’t harbor romantic feelings for either of the two men who’d made my shortlist—there by virtue of being the least bad of the choices.
I planned to share one more evening with each of them before I made my decision as to who would be my husband.
Regret trickled between the strands of my irritation at this farce.
These men, all seven of them, didn’t deserve this either.
Being paraded in front of me, a woman who didn’t love them—who couldn’t possibly ever love one of them—was surely not what they wanted in life.
After all, I was taking their potential happiness from them.
One of them would never find the person who would truly love them if I trapped him here with me.
But melancholy wasn’t the point of this evening. I shook my head to banish it and refocused on Lord Danzin just as he asked me a question and looked at me with interest, waiting for my answer.
“I’m sorry,” I asked. “Could you repeat that?”
“I asked if you’d like to accompany on a walk into the forest tomorrow.
I should see if I can replace some of the herb I use to make that tincture I administered to Lord Vasso…
” He paused, his expression momentarily startled.
“I mean, not that I’m anticipating needing to remedy more than one poisoning, but…
” He stopped talking altogether and nudged his glasses back up his nose, his cheeks a little pink.
“I understand,” I said. “It’s difficult to think of much but the welfare of Lord Vasso right now, isn’t it?
” A momentary pang of guilt echoed through me at using Vasso to explain away my own distraction.
“And, of course, it goes without saying that we are all very grateful to you for your quick thinking and your ability to provide such a quick remedy. The medic was very impressed when he arrived.”
Keane had told me the medic reported that he would have been far too late to do anything at all for Vasso, and that Danzin’s quick thinking had saved his life. And just like that, my thoughts were on Keane again.
I hadn’t meant to think of him at all, but he plagued my thoughts. Memories of the kiss wouldn’t leave me alone. The softness of his lips. The strength in his arms as he held me. The simultaneous feel of desperation versus restraint, like Keane had wanted more, but wouldn’t allow himself to try.
His harsh rejection had come without warning, and it hurt even as I acknowledged it was probably for the best. After all, how could I, nearly a queen, be with the Captain of my Guard?
Keane wasn’t an option for me. For the sake of my kingdom, I needed a sensible match and a political alliance—even if it was to someone I could only tolerate rather than love. At least tolerance would be a step further than anything Father seemed to have felt for some of his wives.
Dahlia had reminded me this was my duty when she’d spoken of my having a strong husband by my side, and I always did my duty for Talador. It was what I had been born and bred to do.
I made myself focus on Danzin while we ate, as he told me more about some of the rare herbs in Rodor.
I certainly couldn’t fault his enthusiasm, but his endless passion for plants would certainly wear thin over time.
That said, if a husband had an interest beside being king, perhaps that would leave me with additional freedom to rule as I saw fit, regardless of the man at my side.
I held back a sigh as the royal side of me saw the potential in the business-like transaction of my marriage.
Danzin insisted on sampling everything on my plate, just in case it had been poisoned, which was equal parts thoughtful and irritating. I couldn’t think of a tactful way to tell him that last part, so I smiled benignly and allowed him to think he was saving my life.
At the end of the meal, after endless talk of the growing habits of certain weeds, I was unwilling to linger any longer when the conversation wasn’t becoming any more interesting. It seemed that Danzin and I weren’t at all a match ordained by the Sun and Moon.
“Lord Danzin, thank you so much for your company this evening.” I stood, and my movement prompted him to stand too. “But as the Moon rises, the air grows colder, and I think the time is right to retire for the evening.”
“Of course.” He took his glasses off and held them loosely in his hand, a movement I’d never seen him make. “You’re right. It’s only proper that we end the evening now.”
He approached me in two quick strides before standing far too close and looking down at me. Then he cupped my cheek with his hand and leaned forward, his mouth hovering above mine. As he moved in for the kiss, I stepped back quickly, desperate to be anywhere else.
He fumbled his glasses back into place, his cheeks red in the glow from strings of lights. “I must apologize…”
“No need, Lord Danzin.” I interrupted him, my thoughts scrambled over avoiding an unwanted kiss. “The hour grows late, and I should exercise caution when outside for any length of time.”
I hurried away, leaving the embarrassed man I had just clumsily rejected standing in the remains of our romantic evening. So much for my diplomacy training.
I scurried down a path overgrown with weeds and brambles snaking out to tangle themselves in my hair, and I pulled the hood of my cloak over my head in an effort to ward them off.
Marching footsteps followed me, but I didn’t bother to look at my guard.
He wasn’t Keane, and I felt Keane’s absence like a physical pain.
I’d never hated my role as much as I did in this moment, trapped by my title, confined by Talador and expected to behave a certain way for the good of my people. Unable to be with the man I wanted.
I turned the corner of the path into an area out of sight of anyone but my guard.
A flurry of emotion burst from me, and I drew fast and furious runes until snowflakes hung in the air above me, obscuring me from view, hiding me the way I needed to hide my feelings this evening.
Only when I was finished did I realize I drew them in my mind, not with my hand.
“Princess Lily?” The guard’s voice behind me sounded alarmed, and I sighed.
“Yes, I’m here and quite safe.” No matter how much I obscured myself, I’d never be able to disappear.
I released another flurry of magic, concealing myself in a blizzard of snowflakes that seemed to form Keane’s face in front of me, but when I reached out to touch it, it disappeared, and his rejection from the previous day wounded me all over again.
As I allowed the rest of the snowflakes to fall softly to the floor, I dragged in a calming breath and held it until my lungs felt like they might burst from the effort. Then I released a slow exhale and turned around to face my guard, who was watching me with a look of uncertainty on his face.
“I’m ready to go in now,” I said, my tone calm and measured like usual. He nodded hesitantly, probably wondering how he was so unlucky as to guard the future queen on a night when he couldn’t predict my behavior.
Tomorrow I would go on another one of these dates. Things clearly hadn’t worked out with Danzin, but perhaps my time with Lasloe would yield better results.
My shoulders slumped as I missed Keane again.
No matter how I behaved, I never felt as if he didn’t understand me.
I could truly be myself around him, and no one else in this castle—neither guard nor suitor—could have the same words applied to them.
That, and he made me feel safe in a way that no one else ever did.
For the first time ever, I wished I would not be queen, so that I could be with him instead.