Chapter 16 Ethan
Ethan
Likes:
-Shane coming up to my room after dark
-Shane looking at me across the table
-Shane saying hi to me in the halls
-Shane taking me to the river in his Bronco to talk and make out
Dislikes:
-Ev asking Shane why he’s hanging out in my room
-Nosy neighbors
-Hiding our relationship in the dark
It’s a secret, and it has to be. On the one hand, the secrecy makes this special between us.
Why should we share what we have with the world?
It’s no one’s business but ours. They wouldn’t understand.
But on the other hand, I want everyone to know Shane Carraway is mine.
I want everyone to know I love him. I want Gina Pritzer to know when she stands by his locker and talks to him after Spanish.
I can tell by the way she looks at him that she wants Shane to ask her to prom.
Why wouldn’t she? I think Gina sits behind him in class.
I don’t really know, because I’m not in that class.
But I heard her asking him about prom the other day.
I didn’t hear exactly what she said, but it doesn’t matter.
She’s shopping for a date, and of course, she’d pick Shane Carraway. I hate Gina Pritzer.
Jenna Murphy wants me to ask her. I think. She sits in front of me in algebra and turns around every day before the bell rings to talk to me. She’s always chewing gum or eating LifeSavers and she’ll offer me one. I didn’t know until the other day that she’s a senior.
She was writing a note to Tabby Phelps and gave it to me to draw a skater dude on it. I don’t know why, because I can’t draw. But she wrote to Tabby about how she didn’t have a prom date yet, and I think she wanted me to see it.
I might as well ask her. Shane will go with Gina, and I’ll go with Jenna. What else can we do? Put on tuxes and go with each other? I wish. What a world that would be.
May 6, 1994
My parents made a big deal out of it, like Ev and I thought they would.
Mom and Dad took a million pictures of Ev with Emily. It’s because it’s his last prom ever, and since I’ll go to more, they said they didn’t take as many pictures of me and Jenna. I didn’t really care, but Jenna seemed disappointed.
Jenna wore a purple dress. She told me in algebra, so I bought a corsage to match.
I couldn’t find one with a purple flower, so I got white.
Or my mom got white. My mom had to help me pick it out b/c I just wasn’t sure what to do or what to buy.
I kept wondering what Shane was going to wear, what he’d look like, and when we got to prom it took me forever to find him.
He was talking to some other people, Gina on his arm.
When I saw him, I felt all flustered because he looked good.
I wish so much that I could have my arm in his instead of hers. It’s such bullshit.
Is it stupid to be jealous in this situation?
Because I had Jenna with me. It’s not like I came alone just to spy on him.
But I guess I only said yes to Jenna so I could spy on him.
He said he would say no to Gina if I wanted him to.
But I said it was up to him, and he chose to ask her.
So, I asked Jenna. It all happened sort of weird.
He obviously doesn’t want anyone to know about us—especially Ev—and I can’t blame him there, but…
I don’t know. I’m not ashamed of him. Is he ashamed of me?
We all picked a table to sit at, then we waited in line to get our prom photos.
I kept looking at Shane while we waited in line.
He was joking around and talking to Ev, but every so often he’d glance over at me.
I really wanted to talk to him, but we had to play it off since we were around other people and with our dates. It sucked so bad.
I do feel bad that I’m not at all interested in Jenna but went with her so I could go to prom with Shane, in a very theoretical sense.
And Jenna looked nice. She got her hair and her nails done.
She was really gorgeous, in fact. Guys checked her out all night long, the only problem is that I wish I’d cared more.
I think maybe she could tell, though. She’d look at me when somebody said she was pretty or her dress was sexy to see what I would do.
One time, at the table, I put my arm around her.
I kissed her on the cheek another time. It was really weird, but her face and shoulders were soft.
For a minute, I thought I could like girls.
But I don’t. I love Shane. I love Shane so much it hurts.
When I took my prom pic with Jenna, I was smiling, thinking about Shane.
I know we’re both going to get copies of those pictures and Jenna is going to remember it differently than me.
I do feel bad for how indifferent I was, even when I tried to dance with her, but kept looking over at Shane.
I know she wanted me to French kiss her, especially during the slow songs. But I couldn’t do it.
We’d been at prom for hours before I finally got a chance to be alone with Shane.
I looked over at him as he was getting up from the table.
As he was getting up, he said to Gina that he’d be right back, and he gave me this look.
So, I waited a couple of minutes before I told Jenna I’d be right back and followed Shane.
He’d gone out into the dark hallway, but it took me only a minute to find him down one of the new hallways in the new part of school.
He was leaning back against a group of lockers waiting, but as soon as he saw me, he came toward me and I went toward him, then we just…
collided. Our arms were around each other and our mouths were on each other’s.
I kissed him so hard and so fierce and he kissed me the same way back.
He pushed me up against the lockers and pressed his body up against mine in his tux and kissed me like crazy.
I don’t know how it’s possible for something to feel so good and so painful at the same time.
Being with Shane, touching Shane, kissing Shane, it’s all so fucking wonderful, but it hurts at the same time because I have to wait for it. We can only do it in the dark.
I can’t have Shane when I want him. I can’t just show up at his grandparent’s house and give him a kiss in greeting.
He can’t just come into my room first thing when he visits our house.
We can’t really call each other too much because what if Ev calls him and he’s talking to me?
Or what if Ev comes into my room and I’m talking to Shane?
I know we could lie, but we’ve already lied a lot.
We’ve already kept this hidden, so that’s why kissing him feels so good but also hurts.
He put his hands around my face while we were in the hall and told me I looked so good.
He told me he couldn’t stand it almost the entire night—me sitting so close and unable to touch me.
I told him it was hard for me too and that he was sexy in his tux.
He smiled. We were alone, perfectly and completely alone in that hallway, but it was like there was so much we wanted to do and say, now that we were alone, that we couldn’t pick one. At least that’s how it felt for me.
I told him that I wished I could dance with him. He said he didn’t think that I danced, and I said that I meant I wanted to slow dance with him. Wouldn’t you know, right then, a slow song came on in the gym? So, we danced to it together, out there in that dark hallway, our arms around each other.
I’m so in love with him, I know that I am, but I was too scared to tell him. I guess I’m waiting on him to say it first, but what if he never does?