Epilogue
Shane
There’s no such thing as black roses.
Like, they’re not something that just grows in nature.
It’s kind of embarrassing that I only figure that out after calling the floral department at Wade’s in Lowville and the one at Price Chopper in Boonville. But the guy who answers the phone at Price Chopper gives me the name and address of a craft store in Watertown.
After getting out the phone book again to make another phone call, I decide I’ll just have to make the trek up to Watertown and browse through the fake flowers at a craft store before Ethan gets to Port Leyden for his Spring Break.
I wish we could have gone somewhere warmer, but in his last email to me, Ethan said he was cool just spending his break here.
I feel kind of bad about it. This town is lame compared to NYC.
So, I wanted to do something romantic for him.
Rose petals are always romantic, but I wanted to go the extra mile and have black rose petals for Ethan.
The only person I’ve told about us so far is Gina. Ethan hasn’t said if he’s told his parents. I’ve worn his lock-necklace every day under my coat at the work site. No one’s seen it, so no one has to ask. I don’t know what I’ll say yet, if and when they do.
Before I get ready to drive up to Watertown, I have to make another phone call.
I’m going to make a stop first before the craft store.
Gina helps me get Mikayla all bundled up in her purple unicorn coat and green unicorn earmuffs.
Mikayla picks out yellow mittens and black boots to go with her mismatched outfit.
I comb Mikayla’s wavy hair into a princess hair clip that I know won’t look as neat as it does now once we get to Watertown.
I haven’t been up this way in a while, so there are some new things that I note while Mikayla chatters my ear off and sings along to the kids' CD I bought for her. There’s been some construction where they’ve widened the road.
And there used to be an old shack off the side of the road that’s gone now.
I’m surprised I remember it. I think it’s been years.
When I was a minor, I wasn’t allowed to see my mother without an adult with me.
It was the rule. And since my grandparents didn’t travel well, going to see my mother went from rare to not at all.
I hate to say that I forgot about her, because that’s not really true.
I can’t just forget my mother. I guess I just assume she doesn’t want to see me.
Or that she’s forgotten about me.
It’s possible. The last time I saw her, she hardly acknowledged me at all. But maybe this time will be different. I’m not counting on it, but it’s about time I made this trip as an adult.
When we get to the home, I carry Mikayla inside to the front desk.
I have to sign in and show my ID, then the desk clerk points to the left and says my mom’s room number, but I forget it when one of Mikayla’s boots come off, so we have to stop and fix it.
I walk down a couple of hallways searching for my mother’s name—Nicole Carraway—until I see it.
The door is ajar, and I peek inside. I see a woman with graying brown hair, pulled back in a French braid, wearing a maroon sweater, sitting on the side of the bed, her back facing me.
I knock lightly on the door. “Mom?”
She turns around, and I see her cheeks are more hollow than I remember, making her eyes look wider as she watches me step into her room.
“Hi,” I say to her.
“Hi,” Mikayla repeats.
My mom’s mouth spreads out into a grin. “David! You came back!”
I pull over a chair from a desk to sit in front of her. I set Mikayla on my lap. “It’s me, Mom. I’m your son. Shane.”
Her grin falters and she nods slowly at me. She looks at Mikayla. “And who’s this?”
“This is your granddaughter, Mikayla.”
“Hi,” Mikayla says again. She cranes her neck to look up at me. “Grandma?”
“Yeah. Your grandma.”
Mom smiles at Mikayla, then she looks past us, her eyes beginning to glaze the way they would when she would start to disassociate. I remember a nurse telling us when she does that, we should just talk to her like normal anyway.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you,” I say, adjusting Mikayla on my lap. “I’ve had a lot going on.”
Mom blinks and her gaze shifts to the corner of the room.
“Maybe that’s no excuse.” I clear my throat. “But I was coming up to Watertown today. Thought I’d see you. Thought I’d let you meet your granddaughter.”
“Hi, Grandma,” Mikayla says, taking off her earmuffs and handing them to my mother. Mom absently takes them in her hand and looks down at them, puzzled.
“And I wanted to tell you that I met somebody.”
Recognition comes back into my mother’s eyes, and she beams at Mikayla. “Come here, sweetie. Want me to hold you?”
I hesitate before I hand over Mikayla. But I don’t think my mom will hurt her or anything like that, so Mom holds her in her lap and touches the princess clip in Mikayla’s hair. “I remember when I had a little boy. He looked just like you.”
Mikayla looks up at her. “Can you bake cookies?”
My mom laughs. A joyful, sparkling laugh. I don’t remember ever hearing her laugh. I wish I’d thought to bring a camera.
Mom looks at me. “She’s adorable. Just as cute as you used to be.”
I feel my heart flutter because I didn’t think she’d remember me as a baby.
“I’m happy you met someone,” Mom says. “You have such a good life, Shane.”
Tears well up in my eyes at the sound of my name coming from her. “Thanks, Mom.”
“I always just wanted you to be happy. Happier than I could ever be.”
I feel a kind of relief that has just a touch of pain as I watch my mother talk to my daughter and play with my daughter’s hair. This has gone better than I expected. So, I just sit there and let my mom spend time with Mikayla. I didn’t have my mother, but maybe Mikayla will have her grandma.
But we don’t get to stay for long before my mom begins to disassociate again, so I take Mikayla, kiss my mother on the head, and promise to come see her again soon.
Maybe with Ethan.
I don’t know yet. But right now, I need to see a man about some black roses.
I’ve emailed and called Ethan for over a month, but I haven’t seen him, so it feels sort of strange when I see him at the door to my apartment. I kiss him and he kisses me, and it takes him way too long to notice the bouquet of fake black roses, but when he does, he grins from ear to ear.
“You got these for me?” he says.
“Of course. I thought you’d like them.”
“I love them.” He goes over to the black vase I put them in and picks them up. “Where did you get them?”
“Well, I’m sorry they’re not real, because real black roses don’t exist. They’re fake ones I saw at a store.”
He grins. “It doesn’t mean the thought behind it was fake.”
I laugh. “No, it wasn’t.”
He looks around my place. “So, this is it, huh? Where Shane Carraway lives.”
My place isn’t much. But it’s clean. I make sure everything is put away, and I keep my possessions to a minimum. When Gina and I started living apart, I moved into a modest two-bedroom above my boss’s garage. I took it because it was already fully furnished and had a spare bedroom for Mikayla.
“Where is she?” Ethan asks, pulling something from the pocket of his black coat. I see it’s a little unicorn toy. “You said she’d like me if I brought her this.”
“She’s with Gina’s parents. They like to keep her overnight sometimes. They’ve got a playroom set up for her and a swing set.”
“Oh.” He looks disappointed. As he puts the toy back in his pocket, I see he’s got a fresh coat of black polish on his nails. I already know my daughter will demand he paint them pink.
“I pick her up tomorrow afternoon, though. If you want to come with me.”
He nods. “Yeah. I’d like that.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I want to.” He takes a step toward me and puts his arms around me. “I want to be a part of your life.”
I put my arms around him. “I want to be a part of yours.”
We kiss again, and I wonder if we’re going to have sex right now or later. I wanted to take him to the restaurant at the lodge in Lyons Falls so Gina could say hi. And for our first, real, and actual date.
But I guess we could have sex now and later too. Why not?
We’ve got five years to make up for.
But Ethan breaks the kiss and steps away from me for a second. “Hey, um…I don’t know if you had plans, but I was thinking we could go have dinner with my parents, maybe? They’re ordering Pizza Hut, and they got some movies from Blockbuster.”
“At your house?”
“Yeah.” He pauses and licks his bottom lip. He looks down at the zipper of his coat and starts messing with it. “I was thinking that like, maybe we could tell them. About us.”
“They don’t know?”
“I haven’t told them yet. I never thought they’d ever be assholes about me being gay or whatever.
” He fidgets with the zipper. “They might have already figured it out anyway. But I never wanted to bring home like a bunch of guys. I always wanted them to meet the right person, you know?” He stops fidgeting with the zipper and takes my hand.
“And it’s you. So, I thought we could tell them together. ”
I think about Everett’s reaction initially, but he didn’t have the whole story, and he was caught off guard with that photograph.
I forwarded his last email to me to Ethan.
We haven’t mentioned it to each other much.
Everett had come around, after all, and if Ethan didn’t believe me before, he does now.
But I don’t think Everett’s parents would react the way he did.
At least, I hope.
“You nervous?” Ethan says. “We don’t have to.”
“No, I know.”
“I’m in love with you,” he says. “I want them to know.”
I smile. “I’m in love with you.”
“Then let’s do it.”
“Okay.”
We get in my truck and drive along the roads, still packed with snow. I glance up at the sky and see how clear it is. There are stars out. It looks like millions of them.
Ethan follows my gaze. “That’s the Big Dipper.”
“It is?” I glance at it again, before returning my eyes to the road. “You liked that one, right? When we were kids.”
“Yeah, I guess,” he says softly. “I used to know the names of each star, but all I remember is the one at the end. Or the beginning, depending on how you look at it.”
“And it never dies, right?” I glance over at him with a grin.
He takes my hand in his. “No. It never dies at all.”
THE END