Chapter 22 #2
“So, she kisses me. At first, I was taken aback . . . but then I started kissing her back. Everything just felt so right, clear, settled. But I pushed her away because, one, she was drunk, and two, she was eighteen. I wasn’t about to take advantage of a drunk eighteen year old.
She did not appreciate that,” I say, as Summer scoffs.
“Yeah, probably because you were a complete dick to her for once like you are to the rest of us mere mortals.”
“Are you going to listen or be an ass?” I ask, getting frustrated at her. Here I am, trying to spill my guts to her, and she’s laughing. I’m remembering now why I don’t really talk to my siblings.
“I’m gonna listen, but you know damn well I’m also going to provide running commentary, so keep going.”
You love her. You love her. She’s your younger sister, I chant to myself so I don’t hang up on her. Plus, she might be able to help me out.
“Just keep it to a minimum, please.”
“I’m sorry, did you just say please? I must be dreaming. Are you sure you don’t have a fever?”
“For fuck’s sake, Summer, are you going to listen or not?”
“Oh get over yourself, Liam. I’ll try to keep quiet, just tell me what happened after the kiss.”
“After that, she moved to the other side of the country without telling me. She was supposed to stay in Vancouver but decided to go to Montreal. I got the hint—she didn’t want anything to do with me, so I didn’t try to contact her.
I figured I’d only make things worse.” I was expecting her to cut in here, but surprisingly, she stayed quiet.
“So, yeah, I hadn’t seen her or talked to her, until Ronan told me she was okay with me moving in with her.
So, I moved in. It was clear she wasn’t impressed.
At first, she ignored me, then we became friendly.
I kissed her and she pushed me away, but then she found out I continued to write her notes over the years, even though she wasn’t even talking to me.
Next thing you know we’re . . .” I trail off.
Saying we slept together is too casual; it was more than sex.
I’ve had plenty of sex in my time and it’s never felt like what Sloane and I did.
What happened between us was more than just sex.
“Being intimate,” I finally say.
Again, Summer keeps to her word and doesn’t say anything. I kinda miss her outbursts; I never thought I’d say that about her. It’s no secret that I’ve always found Summer a little too much.
I give her another moment to say something, but she keeps her silence.
“Then, I kicked her out of my room.”
Shocking the hell out of me, all she says is, “Why?”
“Why?” I parrot.
“Yeah, why? I’ve watched her love you through her entire childhood, now you’re telling me you have feelings for her, so why did you kick her out of your room? It seems like you regret it,” she says in her matter-of-fact but calm tone.
“Because . . . because I couldn’t be the man,” I push out.
At that, she laughs.
I knew I was going to eventually regret talking to her.
“The man?” she asks through her laughter. “What exactly do you mean by that?”
“Just forget I said anything,” I tell her. “So, you’re moving to Calgary?” I ask, my lame attempt at changing the topic.
“Oh no, Liam, we’re talking about this. I’m sorry I laughed; I shouldn’t have. It was very insensitive of me. I can tell you really like her, so, let’s fix it.”
“You want to help?” I’m somewhat shocked.
“Liam, stop thinking I don’t like you! I swear, you’re so dense!
I’ve always wanted to be your friend. All I wanted when I was a little girl, even now, if I’m being honest, is to be your friend.
To not just be the annoying little sister.
To get an ounce of your attention. So, just tell me why you pushed her away. ”
Was I really that bad of an older brother that I couldn’t even see that my younger sister wanted my attention?
Just the fact that she seems to think I don’t care about her bothers me.
Does she really think I don’t know every single thing about every country she’s ever worked in?
That her stupid asshole of a boyfriend in university didn’t get a nice little visit from me?
Just because I don’t talk to her a lot, doesn’t mean I don’t care about her.
“That came out wrong,” she says, pulling me away from my thoughts. “You’re not an awful brother, Liam. I know I’m not your cup of tea.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask, harshly.
“I know that I’m too much for you, Liam. And that’s fine, I promise. Now, can we just get back to the topic of Sloane?” she asks.
I made her uncomfortable; I can hear it in her voice. Summer never avoids anything.
“Summer, you’re not too much for me. I always thought that you didn’t like me. That I wasn’t fun or outgoing enough for you—too serious for you.”
“Damn,” she says. “So, I spent all this time hating you for nothing.”
To that, I stay silent.
“I’m joking! I never hated you! But seriously, what do you mean? I’m not going to judge, promise! I mean, I pushed Hannah to go after Ian, and look at them now!”
Taking a deep breath, I prepare myself to bare my soul to my younger sister, something I never thought I would do.
“I don’t know. I guess it hit me that I was injured and couldn’t treat her like I wanted to.
We did what we did, and it was great, but then she got up to go to the bathroom to clean up,” I tell her, keeping some details to myself.
Some things a younger sister just shouldn’t know.
Like how I couldn’t grab Sloane like I wanted to.
Or how she was nervous about sitting on my face, but there was no other way to get what I wanted.
How she had to be on top. How I couldn’t take control, how I couldn’t ease her into it.
How all I could do was sit there. My leg wouldn’t let me do anything but enjoy and let her do everything.
She had to do everything. She had to take control of the situation for her first time.
I couldn’t take care of her, because of my fucken leg.
All I could do was sit there, and it gutted me.
I couldn’t even hold her or cuddle her after because my leg needs to be placed at the perfect angle or it hurts.
She deserved to be cleaned by me, to be able to just lay there and enjoy the afterglow.
She should have been able to just lay there and be doted on.
“She shouldn’t have had to. It was her first time.
” That detail slips out of me and I don’t realize it did until Summer lets out a breath.
“I mean, she got up to get me a glass of water. I couldn’t get up to get her Tylenol and water; she had to do everything herself.
She deserves so much better than that. She deserves someone who’s capable of taking care of her. I can’t do that.”
“Have you asked her what she wants? Or are you just assuming all this bullshit?” she asks, in her usual, matter-of-fact way.
“I’m ready to bet anything—name your price—that she doesn’t see it that way at all.
We’re not as delicate as all you men make us out to be.
” I can hear the eye roll in her voice. “Like, seriously? Why are all men like this? You know we don’t need to be saved, right?
That we can handle ourselves? That we’re capable?
You said it yourself, the girl moved across the country, alone.
Do you really think having to get her own glass of water was such a hard task for her?
I think the hard task for her was dealing with your shitty attitude. ”
“I know,” I tell her. She’s not telling me anything I haven’t told myself. Having her lay it on me, emphasize just how much I’ve fucked up—there’s no coming back from this. I finally got Sloane back in my life and I threw it all away because of this fucken injury. I need a run.
My thoughts are once again interrupted by Summer. “Since you know you fucked up, what are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it. I don’t even know how to get her to talk to me again,” I tell her, hearing the dejection in my own voice.
“Keep that attitude and no woman will want you. Just make her little notes like you used to.” I guess I could start leaving her notes again. It’s not like it’s going to be an adjustment—I never stopped.
Summer keeps me on the phone for a few more minutes before saying she needs to call her old colleague to accept his job offer before she changes her mind. With a promise to keep her in the loop about my situationship—whatever that means—she hangs up.