Chapter Sixteen #3
“This is always how it’s going to be, isn’t it?” he asked, even though he already knew the answer. “Neither of us have really changed. I’m still going to challenge you and you’re still going to hate it.”
“I don’t hate it,” Bastian claimed, even though Kian knew it was a lie.
“It makes you uncomfortable,” Kian corrected. “I know it does.”
Bastian actually squirmed in the chair, like he was uncomfortable now. “Not always.”
“I’m not talking about when we’re at your house or my house or in bed. I’m talking about when we’re working. Because that’s what we’re talking about right now. How to fix our professional relationship.”
Bastian’s face fell, devastation filling his eyes, and Kian realized what he’d just said.
“No, no,” he said quickly, reaching for Bastian, and cradling his big hands in his smaller ones.
“No. I don’t know what’s going on between us, not professionally, but I know I love you, and I know that you love me.
We fit together, which is why our personal relationship is so much easier to figure out. ”
“I’m not sure what you’re saying.”
“I’m saying you can’t leave me, because I won’t let you,” Kian promised, squeezing his hands. “How does that sound?”
Bastian choked out a laugh that actually sounded a lot more like a sob.
He hadn’t said, because that wasn’t Bastian’s way, but Kian knew instinctively how much he’d been suffering.
Being apart was like living without a limb, and on top of that, he’d been working nearly nonstop—while also trying to figure out a way to give Kian exactly what he wanted and needed.
“It’s good. Good. I . . .” Bastian took a deep breath. “I missed you so fucking much.”
Kian pulled him in for an embrace and felt Bastian’s full-body shudder. “It’s okay,” he soothed. “We’ve got each other again.”
When Bastian finally pulled away, his eyes were damp, and Kian’s own weren’t exactly dry either.
“I tried to control you,” Bastian admitted after a long silence.
“I tried to control the restaurant through you.” His voice grew rougher.
“I’m not a perfect man, Kian, as much as I want to believe otherwise.
I make mistakes. I made a big one, but it wasn’t this.
I wouldn’t change that for the world. I should have known we couldn’t keep everything separate.
It’s too messy, and it’s messy because it’s real. ”
Kian raised an eyebrow. “And you think this will fix it?” He still wasn’t convinced. He desperately wanted to go back to work for Bastian, he desperately wanted to take this job, but there was still a part of him that believed what Bastian had claimed two years ago.
They couldn’t work together and have this too. It wouldn’t ever work.
“I’m not expecting it to work out all the time,” Bastian said, “but I know I have to try. I can’t let you walk out again, not like before.
That . . . it killed me. I thought the worst was when we kept our hands off each other, but that wasn’t the worst. Not having you here, in my life, that was the worst.”
“Neither of us has changed,” Kian said slowly, “I don’t know how this won’t end in disaster, all over again. And if it does, I’m not sure I can handle it.”
Bastian’s eyes were intense on his. “I’m not a different man. I can’t be a different man. I am the man I am, the good and the bad. But I’m more aware now. That’s all I can be. And you’ve grown up. You’re assertive and confident and challenge me in ways that I never expected.”
“And you’re okay with that?” There was no way to keep the disbelief from his voice. Bastian had claimed to try before and had failed utterly.
“I don’t hate it as much as I thought I would,” Bastian admitted.
“I know we can’t . . . we can’t ever really be equals.
Not really. I know that’s what you wanted.
I know that now. But I think this gives us the best chance to be more equal.
Your best chance to grow, a little bit outside of my shadow. ”
Kian didn’t say anything for a long moment. There was a part of this that felt too good to be true, too perfect almost, but this didn’t feel like it had with the chef de cuisine job which he’d known wasn’t right. This felt far more like the right sort of beginning.
There were so many paths open to him right now. He could keep working for Barrel House. He could find a job at another restaurant. He could take this job now, that Bastian was offering him.
The truth was, he knew what he wanted, but he was fucking terrified of losing Bastian again. Of losing everything he’d ever cared about.
“I’m afraid,” Kian admitted, his voice cracking. He’d never let Bastian see any weakness, always afraid that it would mean Bastian’s admiration and his respect and his love would die in the face of it. And maybe it would have, before, but Bastian was growing.
All Kian could do was trust that he was ready to see it. And if there wasn’t any trust between them, how could they ever hope to have a personal or a professional relationship?
“I know,” Bastian said very softly. “I am too. Absolutely fucking terrified.”
And suddenly, shockingly, the way forward felt very clear. Kian knew what he should do, what was absolutely the right move for him, and it also happened to be exactly what he wanted.
He reached over and grabbed the pen that Lindsay had left on the table, and without a word, signed the contract, pushing it over towards Bastian after he was done.
Bastian grinned, so bright it nearly hurt. “You won’t regret it, I swear,” he promised, and Kian leaned forward, his mouth only an inch or so away from Bastian’s.
“I probably will, at some point,” Kian said thoughtfully, “but you’re worth the risk.”
Bastian’s eyes were dark, deep wells, staring right into Kian’s. “I am?” For the first time, the inherent cockiness in his tone was more subdued. And that, Kian realized, was his fear talking.
Fear of things falling apart, fear of the messiness overwhelming them, fear of failure, fear of not being enough, of Kian not loving him enough to stick out all the times when he wanted to quit because it was too hard.
Bastian probably felt that the fear he felt was an embarrassing weakness, something to push Kian away, but in the end all it did was convince Kian completely that they’d both do whatever it took to make this work.
“You’re worth everything,” Kian admitted and leaned forward that last inch to kiss him. It had been too long since the last time they’d kissed, and even though he knew now that they had all the time in the world, he didn’t want to wait another second.