15. Zoe
FIFTEEN
zoe
“Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod.”
“Girl, you’re going to give yourself a heart attack,” Natalie said over the phone. As she drove to pick up her boyfriend, she’d called to see how I was doing.
“Freaking the fuck out,” had been my answer. And it hadn’t gotten any better in the last five minutes since she first called. “I think my heart is going to beat out of my chest.”
“Probably won’t happen but—” Natalie teased.
I looked in the mirror for the millionth time. “I really wish my ears were smaller.”
“Zoe. . .”
“I’m just saying.”
“Do we put negative things about ourselves out into the universe?”
Now I was in for it. Speech time. “Ummm. . .”
“Turn down the volume of that negative inner voice and tell me something you like instead.” So quintessential Natalie.
“I have great tits.”
“See? There you go.”
“And am fun.”
“Yes, you are.”
“Despite my big ears.”
Although she probably wanted to kill me, Natalie laughed instead. “So. . . you okay?”
“No, but I will be soon,” I assured her.
“Have a good time and make sure you let us know how it goes.”
“Obviously. Talk to you later.”
“See ya.”
I hadn’t realized how good of a distraction Natalie’s call had been until now there was nothing to do but stare at my phone for a text like, “on my way.”
When that got boring, I paced around my apartment, but not too fast. Didn’t want to work up a sweat.
It seemed like three hours later when my phone finally came to life. Nate was calling. Odd. I wondered why not a quick text?’
“Hello?” I said, my hand practically shaking.
“Hey, Zoe.”
Something was wrong. Zoe, not Zoe girl. And his tone was flat too.
“What’s wrong?”
Had he been delayed? Last I knew, his flight was on time. But why hadn’t he contacted me before now?
“Where are you?” I asked.
“At Lucas’s apartment.”
What the hell?
“Why?”
Silence. Almost like he was back on base and had been called away.
Finally, he said, “I met a guy on the plane.” His tone still sounded much less full of life than any other time we talked. “He told me about a woman he’d dated for six months. Apparently pretty serious. She even wanted to get married.”
Six months.
As he spoke, I began to feel a bit queasy.
“Never caught her name. But his was Erik.”
Fuck. Of all the people he could possibly sit next to. Fucking Erik. What were the chances?
Nothing is a coincidence, Zoe.
Usually, I believed the universe worked in mysterious but very deliberate ways. But right now, this just felt like really bad luck.
“Nate—”
“When my flight companion saw Lucas, I could tell they knew each other but weren’t on very friendly terms. So, of course, I asked Lucas about him. Turns out—”
“I know,” I said. “Nate, I should have told you. I wanted to so many times but didn’t want you to think. . .” I trailed off.
“To think what? What didn’t you want me to think?”
He was going to make me say it.
“Zoe?”
I usually loved the way Nate said my name. But not tonight.
“I didn’t want you to think you were a rebound.”
“I could see why you’d think that, being it was right around the same time. A few days in between? A week? Couldn’t have been too much more.”
Fucking Erik, still screwing up my life. But to be fair, I should have told Nate about him. We’d talked about past relationships. I’d told him about everyone but Erik, and that had been a mistake.
“I can’t remember exactly,” I hedged.
“Mm-hmm.”
“Nate, I’m so sorry. I absolutely should have told you, but I was just scared.”
“You never have to be scared to tell me anything, Zoe. I thought you knew that. We said, ‘nothing held back.’ Didn’t we?”
“Yes.”
“Yet you held back probably the most important thing in your life at the time.”
“I forgot about him so quickly that. . .” Then I remembered. Operation Distraction. How would he feel about that particular tidbit? And the fact that the New Orleans trip where we had so much fun dirty texting had actually been organized as a distraction from Erik?
Should I tell him?
Probably.
“Also--”
“I think I’m gonna stay here for the night.”
Was he serious? “I thought maybe you were just stopping there to cool off. You’ve got to be joking. After all this time. . . seriously? You’re less than five minutes away from me and aren’t coming over?”
What the actual fuck?
“I just think it’s best for now. This isn’t how I want our meeting to play out.”
“This? What do you mean exactly?”
Now I was pissed. I got it, he was upset. I would be too. But not to see me? How could he possibly be in the same town instead of halfway around the world and be content to sit in Lucas’s apartment and shoot the shit knowing I was within arm’s reach?
“You know what I mean.”
Ahh, so now I got the closed-off Nate. I’d heard lots about him but had only seen the faintest of glimmers of this guy. “Be nice, please.”
“I’m always nice.”
“Except for tonight.”
“I beg to differ.”
“Okay, then I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree, because I don’t think you’re being nice at all right now.”
Pause. Then he said, “How about we sleep this off and meet up tomorrow?”
So, he still wanted to see me. Just not tonight.
Don’t say it, Zoe. Don’t. Say. It.
Stay calm.
“Or maybe we won’t.”
Aaand, I said it. There was no doubt I’d cut off my nose to spite my face.
“I guess we’ll see then,” he said. Definitely not happy.
Which was fine. I was even less happy. “Alright. I guess we’ll talk later.”
“Okay.”
I wanted to say so much more. Later, gator. Or beg him to come. Apologize again. Anything to keep him on the phone.
But my pride wouldn’t allow it.
Instead I said, “Bye,” and hung up.
Sitting down, I stared at my phone. Willed it to buzz with a text like I’d done a thousand times. But none came through. And knowing Nate, likely none would. He made a decision and stuck to it—the man possessed as much discipline in his pinkie finger as most people I knew. Which was a trait I admired but didn’t particularly like at the moment.
No text.
Nate wasn’t coming.
Only one thing to do. Except, I didn’t even need to call for reinforcements. My phone did buzz then. It was Charlee, and she’d obviously heard about what was happening.
“I’m on my way.”
That’s when I promptly burst into tears. Whether it was because of her thoughtful, unwavering friendship, or the fact that Nate was seriously not coming. Or both. It didn’t matter.
Even worse? In my pit of despair over Erik, I’d felt like total shit. Sad. Angry. Sad again. But I had never felt as if someone had reached inside of my chest and ripped my heart directly out of it, then stomped on it a few times for good measure. This was a uniquely uncomfortable feeling, and one that told me what I’d already suspected.
Amidst all the dirty talk and getting-to-know-you texts, I’d gone and caught feelings for Nate Collins.
God dammit, Zoe, what the hell have you done?