13. Butch
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
BUTCH
I f I was nervous before, it’s nothing compared to how on edge I am now. Walking back to headquarters with Candy’s hand loosely holding mine has me on high alert. It’s obvious I interrupted the two friends when I arrived at the house. Between Opal looking like a deer in headlights and Candy going ghost white upon seeing me, my nerves pulse with uncertainty.
Was Candy talking to Opal about me? About us?
I have enough faith in Candy to keep my bedroom antics private. My concern is more about Candy doubting she wants a relationship with me. Talking to a girlfriend about the fate of her relationship seems more likely than her discussing the kinky shit we did the night before.
Candy’s clammy hand does nothing to ease my anxiety. She’s nervous. About what, I have no clue.
The entire ride back to Fort Collins, my mind spiraled. Candy never turned down riding with me before. The woman loved cruising on two wheels down the open highway as much as any of my brothers.
However, she turned down my offer for a ride—turned me down hard . More than anything, I wanted to believe she was as tired as she claimed. My nagging inner-voice told me it was something else, though, something bigger.
Our walk back to headquarters is painfully silent, too quiet for even my liking. I open my mouth half a dozen times to start a conversation, only for nothing to come out. Candy grows stiffer with each step we get closer to our destination. This does nothing to lessen my apprehension.
We enter headquarters through the patio doors. The crowd of family members from earlier has broken into smaller groups. No one stops to chat with us, almost like they sense we need time alone.
I go to lead us upstairs to our suite—yes, ours . She may not realize we’re married, but I claimed her a year prior. My space is her space.
Besides, she has spent most nights in my room, lying close to me in bed, discussing everything and nothing. She would talk herself out, falling asleep with her hand clutched in mine. And I would fall asleep staring at her lovely face.
As I take the first step upstairs, Candy stops dead in her tracks. She stares down the hallway to the back offices. I follow her gaze, realizing she’s looking toward the storage closet at the end.
She’s longing for a secure space. It hurts my soul a tad that she doesn’t view my suite as a safe place—yet. I will need to rectify that soon.
Instead of asking her if she wants to go to the closet, I lead us down the hallway. Without saying a word, I hold open the door of the tiny storage space.
Candy slowly walks inside, turning around to peek at me.
“Would you like me to join you?”
Please say yes.
She gives me a slow nod, and I try not to get overly excited about her wanting me with her, suppressing my eagerness from showing on my face. Best to keep my appearance indifferent until I find out what’s going on with my woman. Candy may be on the cusp of breaking my heart, and she wants to do it in the seclusion of her secure environment. That thought alone is enough to curb my optimism.
I enter, feeling like a giant orc in the small space. My body is too big for my own good. To give Candy room, I lean against the door like I did the first time I stood in the closet with her. I hit the light switch. There’s no way I’m going to sit in the dark. I want to see my woman, watch her body language—anything to get a better read on the situation.
Candy paces the narrow space, wringing her hands together.
There’s a lot we need to discuss. But whatever is eating her up inside is a bigger priority.
The longer she says nothing, the faster my mind concocts wild ideas about what’s plaguing her until I can’t take it anymore.
“Goddess, tell me what’s wrong?”
She slows her pacing before stopping in front of me. She looks up at me with those warm big brown eyes of hers and hastily blurts out, “Doyouwantme?”
“Huh?”
Candy takes a deep breath, blowing it out slowly. “Do you want me?”
The hell? Didn’t I already establish my need for her?
The look on my face must show my confusion, because again she asks, “Do you want to be with me?”
She’s joking, right?
All I’ve ever wanted is for her to be mine. I thought my actions screamed I wanted her since the first day I entered this closet.
I must not be answering fast enough for her liking. Candy’s face morphs from worried to indifferent in less than a second. Flipping her hair over her shoulder, she turns her back on me.
“Fine. I get it. You were looking to get laid like all the rest. I read too much into what I thought we had.”
The fuck she say?
Angrier than I’ve been in ages, I grab Candy by the shoulder, not enough to hurt her, but enough to spin her ass back around to face me. There’s no way I’m letting her give me the cold shoulder like she does with everyone else, not until she explains what she means.
She gasps with surprise when I get in her face, growling, “Don’t turn your back on me. I may like you ordering me around, but I’m not above bending you over my knee and tanning your hide for not giving me a chance to say my piece. You, of all people, know it takes some effort to get my words out. So grant me a little grace. If I wanted to get my dick wet, I’d find an easy hole. Don’t you dare discredit what we shared last night as any of your other past hookups. Your words took me by surprise, is all.”
“Surprised you how?” she asks in a whisper, her voice trembling a tad.
“Because they make no damn sense,” I hiss back in frustration. “Of course I fucking want you. I have since the moment I laid eyes on you. You think I get on my knees for anyone? Do I murder mobsters in the dead of night for anyone else? You think I dedicate all my free time to tracking the other motherfuckers who hurt you because I don’t want you? Do I worship anyone else besides you?”
Candy’s mouth flounders like a fish out of water. For once, I’ve got her at a loss for words.
I gently shake her by the shoulders, trying to loosen the reason she’s got clogged up in her head somewhere.
“Think, you stubborn woman. I want you more than the heart in my chest that beats only for you.”
By the time I’ve finished speaking my piece, I’m panting with exertion from talking so fast, afraid if I hadn’t rushed my words, she’d be out the door.
“This isn’t friends with benefits?” she asks, with a slight tremble in her full lips.
“Don’t insult what we have with emotionless bullshit relationship statuses like fuck buddies,” I grit heatedly through my teeth.
“But when I mentioned the stupid wedding dream, you acted like I put a real ball and chain on your ankle. ”
The wedding dream that wasn’t a dream? Yeah, it scared me because she couldn’t recall it actually happening.
I’ll come back to the marriage topic after I set her straight on my feelings.
“I’m your man— your biker boy. You’re my goddess. And it better sink into your pretty little head real fast, or it won’t be me tied to the bed, begging to be fucked into oblivion.”
Candy sniffles, her tense face softening. “Butch…”
It takes everything in me not to force my tongue down her throat. Candy deserving control is the only thing holding me back.
“May I kiss you, Goddess?” I grate against my raw throat.
Her shoulders shake with silent sobs. “We need to talk.”
I blink at her. “Uh, I thought we just did?”
My woman places her shaky hands on my chest. “Before we take this relationship a step further, I need to clear the air.”
“O-kaaay,” I say, confused, instantly on high alert— again .
Candy sucks in a few shaky breaths before blurting out, “I don’t want kids.”
Kids? Where is this coming from?
This conversation is throwing me around like a twister, one surprise after another.
“Look,” Candy says, grabbing my attention, “I don’t want to share myself with anyone other than my partner.”
“I don’t want to share myself with anyone other than my partner, too,” I parrot, my feelings on parenthood aligned with my woman’s.
Candy shakes her head with agitation, her eyes dropping from my face. “You say that now because you want to be with me. But you could change your mind down the road. Look at Atlas and Gauge. They never wanted kids. Yet they changed once they found their right person.”
My grip on Candy tightens, sensing her retracting her feelings for me. I refuse to have her close us off over some stupid baby bullshit.
“Candy, look at me,” I beg in as soft a voice as I can manage.
Tears streaming down her apple cheeks, she looks back at me. The heartbreak written on her face is cutting me the fuck up, especially when it’s unnecessary.
“My views on becoming a father will never change. If you never existed and there was someone else as a poor substitute, I still wouldn’t want kids.”
“But the rest of the guys?—”
“Fuck my brothers and what they want,” I snap in protest. “When I was fourteen, my parents sent me away to a boarding school because they couldn’t handle the fallout of an emotional kid wanting their parents’ affection. I vowed never to repeat my parents’ mistake. The day I retired from the navy, I went in for a vasectomy to make damn sure I never fathered an unwanted child.”
Candy gapes at me. “What?”
“I shoot blanks, sweetness.”
We stare at each other, neither of us talking. When the silence becomes too much for me to bear, I ease my grip on her. I remove one hand from her shoulder and run it down the curve of her round face.
“Both of us had chunks of our lives stolen. Both of us have been imprisoned at one time. We’ve seen how fucking cruel the world can be and lived this life for ourselves. Can’t you see? We’re the same, Goddess. What we want, what we feel—it’s the same.”
“You don’t want kids?” she asks, hope coating her voice.
“Hell no,” I say firmly. “Fuck ’em kids.”
Candy stares back at me with a weird mixture of awe and confusion on her pretty face. “If you had a vasectomy, why ask me if you needed a condom last night?”
“To make you comfortable with having sex with me,” I answer matter-of-factly. “We’ve grown close over the years, but I’ll not assume you’re okay with me going bare on friendship alone. I thought it was clear when we talked about being STI free.”
“So it wasn’t because you worried about getting me pregnant?”
I shake my head. “No, Goddess. Pregnancy isn’t a concern when you’re sterile. I should’ve mentioned it to you then. I’m sorry I didn’t. ”
My voice grows rougher as I recall the memory of last night. “But you were sinking down on me, clutching me in your tight heat…”
My dick swells to the size of a brick, pushing against the zipper of my jeans. Eager to be inside Candy again, I shunt my hips, pressing my length between us. Feeling my hardened cock nudging her, she gasps. My need is growing out of hand. I swallow a groan, annoyed our clothing is in the way.
Leaning in, I whisper in her ear, “All thought went out the window as soon as you were riding me. The way your breasts bounced each time your pelvis met mine hypnotized me. The whimsical sounds of your soft moans echoing in my head pushed reason aside. And the way your fingernails dug into my skin on my pecs had me focused on one thing—getting you off and following you into the bliss.”
I pull back to look into her eyes as I sternly say, “Never doubt me again. It’s not as fun when I have to be the dominant.”