54. Butch
CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
BUTCH
I t’s been roughly one hour since Candy ordered me to stay where I was before she fled our room. At least that’s how many minutes I’ve counted in my head as I’ve waited for her return. I’ve not moved from where I knelt at her feet, begging her to stay.
To choose me.
Each second she’s gone is agony, not knowing when or if she’ll return. My legs ache with pins and needles, but I ignore it, too upset to focus on anything else other than my relationship with Candy possibly ending. Instead, I count the seconds in my head as I stare at the door, willing Candy to return.
When I count another sixty seconds, I nearly lose it. My head falls into my hands. I rock in place, desperate to soothe my nerves.
“Fuck,” I choke, missing my woman.
A piece of paper will be the end of everything good I have with her. This was always going to be the result, partly why I hid it from Candy. Doesn’t make my actions right, but it justifies my fear.
The soft rattle of the door knob has my head snapping to attention.
Holding the air in my lungs, I pray the person on the other side is Candy .
The door slowly swings open, and I’m greeted with the tear-stained face of my pink-haired goddess.
The air I was holding escapes me in a strangled sob. She’s here. My goddess came back. She may be sporting a frown on her pretty brow, but hey, I’ll take her anyway she comes if it means she’s still mine.
What little anger she still had on her face upon entering our suite fades as soon as she spots me.
“Butch, baby. Have you been waiting here for me this whole time?”
Hearing the concern in her voice teamed with a term of endearment gives me a dash of hope. “Yes. You told me to stay. I stayed.”
She shakes her head as she squats in front of me, taking me by the biceps to encourage me back on my feet. I don’t even care about the pins and needles stabbing me in my legs, too relieved to have Candy touching me, to be near me.
She’s here instead of blowing me off. That’s got to mean something. Right?
When I’m steady on my feet, Candy takes my hand and leads me to our couch. She sits and pats the seat beside her. “Come here, biker boy. Let’s chat.”
With my heart in my throat, I sit next to her, angling my body to face her. Candy has my full attention. I pray what she has to say won’t be the end of us. My mind is running wild. The fear of losing her has me holding my breath.
As if she can sense I’m spiraling and need her touch, Candy reclaims my hand in hers. Her deep brown eyes have me locked in her soft gaze. She looks nothing near as upset as she was earlier. If anything, she looks hurt. Her eyes are red-rimmed, no doubt how mine look, and her nose seems stuffy as she sniffles.
When she says nothing, I open my mouth to speak, but she holds a finger to my lips, shushing me.
Dropping her finger, she takes a shaky breath. “Of all the men I’ve encountered in my life, you’ve always wanted the best for me. You’ve done nothing to hurt me until now. Though I’m furious you did this, I’m hoping there’s a reason you felt hiding our marriage was necessary.”
Oh, thank fuck. She’s giving me some grace—a chance to fix my mess. No matter how bad my explanation sounds, I need to be honest. Candy deserves it.
“Let me be clear, sweetness. I don’t condone what I’ve done. You have every right to be angry with me. But I had a reason for waiting to inform you about us.”
Candy swipes at her nose with her sleeve, her hurt rising to the surface. “What reason could you have to hide it other than being ashamed of being married to me?”
Damn. My woman thinks I’m ashamed of her? That hurts. My free hand rubs at my chest where my heart is breaking for her.
“ No . Never,” I swear vehemently, my voice coming across harsher than I mean it to. “Shame has nothing to do with it. The only one I’m ashamed of is myself for how I went about this.”
“Then why? You told me you love me. How can someone who claims to love someone hide something as serious as a marriage?”
Not wasting a second, I dive head first into explaining my messed up reasoning.
“Marriage with you was always my endgame. But with the circumstances of how we ended up married—wasted beyond reason—I was afraid I blew my only chance with you. You didn’t deserve to be married off in a drunken stupor to me with a goddamn sucker as your ring, not after all the shit experiences you’ve had in life. You deserved the fluffy ball gown, the four-piece strings playing the wedding march, and me in a damn tux.”
“Butch…” Candy whispers, with fresh tears in her eyes.
“Let me finish,” I plead. “You deserve this.”
She nods for me to continue.
“Like you, I had no recollection of it happening. It wasn’t until I found the marriage license in the hotel room that it all came flooding back to me. This wasn’t how things were supposed to happen between us, and I didn’t want you regretting being married to me. I panicked and hid the license in my cut. Instead of coming clean when we got back home, I did everything in my power to steamroll ahead, forming this romantic relationship with you. Claiming you as my old lady, moving you into my space without permission, and going fucking nuclear on those who hurt you, I did it all, so you’d fall as hard for me as I’ve been for you since the moment I met you in this club.”
Candy sucks in a ragged lungful of air, staring at me with bewildered eyes and her eyebrows arched high on her forehead.
“There were countless times I wanted to tell you everything. Yet I couldn’t, not when you joined our mission. You didn’t need any extra emotions weighing you down, especially when you knew Duffy was involved with the missing women. I couldn’t add to your plate. You deserved to know the truth, but not while dealing with those fucks.”
Gentle fingers roll over my knuckles of our joined hands. Her touch is a balm to my withered anxiety, one I don’t deserve.
“As asinine as your reasoning is, it makes sense. Ever since Vegas, you’ve been pursuing me like your pants were on fire. It was a complete one-eighty from where we were prior to Vegas. You seemed content with going at my snail’s pace before. The marriage put you into overdrive, checking all the boxes one would make to lead me to an altar.”
With my free hand, I cup her round cheek and pour all my heart into my words. “Please believe me. I love you with every bit of my being. It was never my intention to hurt you. I’ve only ever wanted to love you the way you deserve. And I’ve royally fucked it up.”
Candy shakes her head at me, her pink hair almost dry from after our shower. It curls in tousled waves around her face. “It hurts me you felt you couldn’t trust being honest with me.”
I flinch. She’s right. I didn’t trust her enough to be honest, mostly because I have no clue how she feels about me.
Yes, she cares for me. But I’ve orchestrated all the choices that have brought us together. Not one sober moment has been pushed by Candy. My heart aches not knowing if she’s with me out of convenience or love.
“You’re not wrong—I didn’t trust you would choose me,” I admit, my voice laced with bitterness and sadness. I drop my hand from her cheek, pulling away from her.
Candy pulls me back, cradling my face in both her hands, giving me nowhere else to look but at her. “Explain,” she orders, her gaze piercing.
This is not a memory I want to hark back to. Yet, if I’m going to give anyone an inside look of myself, Candy is the one I want to share my pain with.
“It deals with my parents not wanting me. I’ve told you a bit before. Are you sure you want to know the entire story?”
My woman’s face pinches like she’s hurting for me. “I know a thing or two about not being wanted by parents. Talk to me, Butch.”
Clearing the emotions from my throat, I tell her everything about my childhood—being raised by nannies so my parents could ignore my existence, living to impress them, only to be pushed away, and finally snapping to the point where my parents sent me off to live at one of those horrible facilities where they claim to turn lost boys into fine men while covering the abuse they inflict.
The whole time I talk, Candy gives me her full attention. She absorbs every word, and her facial expressions mimic each painful emotion I feel.
When I finish explaining my abandonment issues and the need to belong to someone like I belong to her, Candy pulls me in for a kiss. Her plump lips connect with mine, molding against each other. It’s not a lustful kiss, but one that’s passionate and healing. It’s comfort and hope and everything I need from her.
She breaks the kiss, resting her forehead against mine. The tenderness of our connection contradicts the words coming out of her mouth. “You stupidly clueless man.”
“Huh? ”
Her brows pull together as she teasingly scolds me. “How can you be this adorably dense?”
“If you’re trying to make me feel better, you’re going about it weirdly.”
Candy throws her head back, laughing. She looks forward again, her face lit with a big smile. “God, you’re right. I’m shit with showing empathy.”
She gives me a quick peck before looking deep into my eyes with longing. “Butch, what I mean is, as much as you’re mine, I’m yours.”
Unable to believe what I heard, I rub at one of my ears. “Can you repeat that? I think I heard you incorrectly.”
She leans in closer, her voice soft yet unyielding. “Hear me, biker boy. I am fully yours.”
My eyes water as the weight of her words sinks into my thick head. “Yeah?”
“Yeah, baby.” She gives me the warmest of smiles, the ones she only gives me when her walls are completely down. “I choose you. I choose you every day for the rest of our lives. You’re stuck with me. Hope you know what you signed up for.”
I laugh through a sob caught in my throat. This beautiful goddess is choosing me—not only as her old man or lover, but as her husband and life partner.
Overwhelmed with happiness, I swoop in to steal a kiss from her juicy lips. She laughs against my eager mouth, kissing me back.
“I’ve waited so long to hear you say those words to me,” I admit raggedly against her lips, my need for her tenting the towel wrapped loosely around my waist. Not wanting to break the connection, I nearly groan in frustration when she pulls back.
The glint in her eye is pure mischief. It turns my hard cock into stone.
“Words are nice, but everyone knows actions speak louder. And I’m gonna show you how much I belong to you.”