Chapter Sixteen
S he was sitting in a corridor outside of a big chamber that was referred to as the refectory.
It was cold and becoming dark as the sun set, casting shadows on the walls as the last vestiges of the day began to wane.
Delaina sat on a wooden bench, watching the colors on the wall across from her.
Ancient walls that had seen the history of England pass by them.
She was to be one minor speck in the history of those walls.
A little speck that had quickly come and would be quickly gone.
She had been in tears when she first arrived at the side door of Westminster Abbey.
The door led to the cloisters, so rather than go into the sanctuary and hunt for a priest, she’d gone straight to the door that led into the inner sanctum.
This was where the priests conducted their business, so she figured it would be the best place to make contact.
She hadn’t been wrong. As soon as she rang the bell, a young priest appeared.
At first, he had been wary of her presence, and, unfortunately, she was weeping, so it was difficult to communicate.
He soon understood what she wanted and tried to send her away, but she wouldn’t go.
Her weeping, and begging, had finally forced him to open the door to admit her, because he didn’t know what else to do, especially when she insisted that she was in danger.
The fact that he was young and possibly inexperienced made him more pliable.
And, hopefully, he wouldn’t get in too much trouble for it.
The priest had brought her inside the door and wouldn’t let her go any further.
He told her to take a seat on the bench where she currently sat.
That had been some time ago. Or perhaps it had even been days.
Delaina was upset, and emotional, and time seemed to have no meaning.
It was passing, and she couldn’t even grasp how fast or how slow.
All she knew was that she felt as if she was sitting in limbo, waiting for the next phase of her life to begin.
The dark, shadowed corridor spoke of the emptiness she was about to face.
The past few days had seen the greatest heights she had lived in her adult life, along with the greatest lows. The greatest height, of course, had been Magnus. She couldn’t go even a few moments without thinking of him, without wondering where he was or how he was.
And wondering if her departure had prevented a disaster.
As Denys told her, Magnus had been heading for Westminster and for Hugh, and the results of that could have been catastrophic.
Here she was, in perhaps one of the greatest cathedrals known to man, and she found herself praying for Magnus’ safety.
She had never been much of a praying woman, but at this moment she found that she very much wanted God to hear her plea.
This wasn’t about her and her impending future.
This was about praying that Magnus lived to see another day.
She couldn’t live with herself if the outcome was otherwise.
But along with the prayers came the daydreams for the life that could have been.
She had been so reluctant to allow herself the luxury of indulging in the fantasy of a life where she had a husband and children.
Not just any husband, but a handsome and powerful husband who was as mad about her as she was about him.
Though she had only known Magnus a few short days, in those days she felt as if she had lived a lifetime.
She knew that she could love him if she didn’t already.
He was wise and honorable, something so rare in her world.
To think she nearly had that for a lifetime was something she would probably never overcome.
But Denys had been right about all of it.
He had been right about her jeopardizing Magnus’ career.
He had been absolutely right, though she had never intentionally intended to harm him.
But the fact remained that she was a courtesan, and that meant that she was nothing more than a well-dressed whore.
Even she knew that. She’d never had any illusions about her position in life, but she rather understood the reality of it.
Being one of the Seven Jewels of London was not a place of honor.
It was a place of ruin.
As Delaina sat there and forced herself to accept what the future would bring her, there was a knock at the side door.
Startled by the sharp sound in halls of silence, she found herself turning to the door instinctively.
It was an ancient door, carved from oak and reinforced with iron bars.
It had been at Westminster for more than one hundred years, probably taken from the old Saxon church that Westminster was built upon.
It represented a barrier between the holy realm inside the walls and the corrupt outside world, but someone was banging on that barrier.
And they sounded quite insistent.
The banging continued. Delaina had no intention of opening the door, and eventually, the same young priest who had opened it for her scurried back down the corridor, brushed past her, and went to the door.
There was a tiny peephole near the top of the door and he slid it open to see who was causing such a racket.
“Who comes?” he demanded in a high-pitched voice.
“Open the door,” came the throaty response.
“Tell me your business, quickly,” the priest said.
“You have a woman here,” the voice said. “She is my wife. Open the door.”
The priest looked at Delaina, confusion on his face. Perhaps there was even some outrage. Delaina jumped up and rushed to the door, pushing the priest aside and peering out to see Magnus and Denys standing there in the dim light.
“Magnus!” she gasped. Then she looked at Denys accusingly. “You told him I was here? Why did you tell him?”
“Open the door, Delaina,” Magnus pleaded softly. “I simply want to talk to you, I swear it. Nothing more.”
Delaina looked him over, feeling longing fill her soul as she did. There was a pull between them that had always been there, but never more prevalent than it was now.
“Are you well?” she asked. “You are uninjured?”
Magnus nodded. “Of course I am uninjured,” he said. “Are you uninjured?”
“I am.”
“Good. Now, open the door, love. Please.”
Love . He called her his love in a tone she’d never heard before, not when it pertained to her.
There was warmth there, and feeling, something that made her feel embraced by the mere sound of his voice.
It would be so easy to throw open the door and rush into his arms, but she knew she couldn’t do that.
For his sake, she had to remain strong.
“There is no need, Magnus,” she said, feeling the lump in her throat. “Say what you must, but know that my mind is made up.”
Magnus drew in a long, slow breath. He looked away from her long enough to glance at Denys, who took the hint and wandered away. Alone at the ancient door, Magnus could only see Delaina’s eyes, but it was enough.
For now.
“You made up your mind without hearing from me,” he said softly.
“You and Denys made up your mind. He did it to protect me, and I understand that, but he did not have my permission to make your decision for you. That is your right and yours alone. Whatever he said to you about the fact that you are ruining my career is not true.”
Delaina was trying hard not to tear up. “It is true that Hugh Despenser was going to use me for his own gain,” she said. “He was going to use me to force you into obedience. I could not let him do that to you.”
Magnus smiled faintly. “That kind of thing happens all of the time,” he said. “It is not critical. It is not as if I would actually obey Hugh. But to keep you safe, I would promise whatever I had to.”
Delaina shook her head. “It is not right,” she said. “Hugh was going to use me as barter. Yet again, I was going to be used as a bribe, this time for someone I genuinely care about. That is no way to start a relationship, Magnus. We would be building a foundation on something unpleasant.”
“You are too concerned with something that does not matter,” he said. “I would obey Hugh if I felt strongly enough about it.”
“Then you would not keep your word to him?”
“I did not mean it that way.”
Again, she shook her head. “Already, you are willing to compromise your integrity,” she said. “And I would be the cause. Don’t you see, Magnus? I am damaging your honor.”
“You are doing no such thing. If I thought so, I would not be here.”
It was clear to Delaina that Magnus wasn’t going to back down. But, then again, neither was she. Heavily, she sighed and closed the little peephole. After throwing the bolt on the door, which was quite heavy, she pulled the panel open.
Magnus stood about two feet away, hanging his head until she opened it. God, he looked so good to her. All she wanted to do was throw herself in his arms, but she refrained. She knew that if he touched her, all would be lost. He would be lost; his honor would be lost. Everything would be lost.
She simply couldn’t do that to him.
Or herself.
“Magnus,” she said quietly. “I want you to listen to me, and listen carefully. Can you do that?”
“I will always listen to you carefully.”
“Good,” she said, taking a deep breath for courage.
“My entire adult life, men have used me as a pawn. The moment my father came to collect me to pay off a debt, I have been used and used again. I have been a possession and nothing more. But I am a woman of heart and bone and feeling, and I will not be used any longer. The truth is that I am damaged property. I am of no value to anyone.”
Magnus put up a hand to silence her. “Delaina, that’s not—”
She cut him off before he could finish. “You said you would listen to me carefully,” she said. “You are not listening. I am speaking now. Not you.”
He nodded quickly, understanding her point. When she was certain he was not going to interrupt her, she continued.
“It is true that I am damaged,” she said softly.
“It happened well before I knew you. An old, careless lord took what was most valuable to me, and since that time, I have become something I never wanted to be. I have been dressed in the finest jewels and I have worn the finest silks. I have supped on the best food in the world and I have drunk the finest wines. I have lived a life that few women live, but it came with a cost. That has never been more evident than it is right now, at this moment. That cost, ultimately, is you. You are the man I should have married at the first, but I did not. You are the man I have always wanted to have, but I cannot. I look into your eyes and see strong sons and beautiful daughters, but it is only a dream. You must accept, above all else, that we were simply never meant to be.”
Magnus didn’t say anything. He gazed steadily into her eyes, waiting for her to continue, but she didn’t.
“May I speak now?” he asked.
Delaina nodded.
“Thank you,” he said. “While I understand your point, and you have valid points, none of that matters to me. I know what you were. I know you were used by men. But I do not care. I have told you this. I know that Denys convinced you that you would be the ruin of me, but it is simply not true. Where there is trust, and hopefully love, there is the unerring ability to manage any problems that may arise. I have already told you what we will do—we will give you a new name, a new past, and you will become my wife. We will go north, to Berwick, and we will have a happy life together where no one will know of your past. Don’t you understand? None of this matters.”
He was starting to beg. She could hear it in his tone, and it broke her heart.
“Magnus, please,” she murmured. “You are not thinking clearly. You are consumed with the same thing that has consumed me—the chance to be with someone who can bring joy into your life. The idea of a courtship that will see us come to know and love one another. I have no doubt that we could love one another. Mayhap I already love you now, which is why I must again refuse to go with you. I cannot let you marry a woman who would shame your entire family if her secret were ever known.”
His jaw flexed. “No one will ever know.”
“Oh?” she said. “Can you promise that? Can you promise that the next time your father speaks to the king or to Despenser, that they will not tell tales of the courtesan you were so desperate for that you were willing to destroy your entire career for her? A courtesan who, not strangely, looks exactly like your wife? You act as if we are the only ones in the world who know of my past, but that is simply not true. You know I am right.”
Magnus sighed sharply and looked away. “I do not care,” he said. “I do not care if my family finds out, eventually. By that time, they will know you and love you.”
Delaina could see that there was no swaying him. The truth wasn’t working.
Perhaps a lie would.
“Did you ever stop to think that I’ve had time to reconsider all of this?
” she said, hoping she wouldn’t burst into tears before she did what needed to be done.
“I have, you know. I simply do not wish to be married, not to you, not to anyone. I do not want to become another man’s mistress, either, so the best choice for me is right here, with the church. This is where I want to be.”
He looked at her then. “That is not true and you know it,” he said. “Delaina, I am pleading with you. Come with me now and let us be married. I will give you everything, including my heart. I have never said that to anyone before. Will you step on it in your quest to be noble?”
The tears were starting to come, and she couldn’t stop them. Better to end this now while she still had the strength to do it. The hand that gripped the door was trembling as she drank in one last look at Magnus before he was out of her sight forever.
She had no choice.
“I will,” she said, barely able to get the words out. “I will step on it and smash it. Go back to the king, Magnus. Forget you ever knew me.”
With that, she shut the door and threw the bolt, then leaned against the door with her hand over her mouth as the sobs began to come.
Magnus pounded on the door, begging her to open it, but she stood there and wept, wondering how long she could hold out against his pleas.
As it turned out, she had to hold out all night. Magnus stood at the door and pounded for the rest of the night, begging her to open it until he lost his voice completely.
By morning, however, he was gone.
And with him went the last vestiges of her heart.
It was done.