19. Beth
19
BETH
I hovered over the toilet again, moments after peeing on the little plastic, cotton-tipped wand. I stopped by the pharmacy on the way home. Rachel's backhanded comment, which was meant to be a joke, scared me to my core. A pregnancy at this stage of the relationship or at my age wasn't at all what I wanted. I was a single woman trying to work my way up the ladder in a man's world, and this would be seen as a sign of weakness.
It had been more than an hour since anything had come up, but my body still hated me. I kept dry heaving every twenty minutes and all that came up was a few teaspoons of stomach acid. My lips burned. My mouth felt like sandpaper; I had horrible breath, and I just wanted it to end. My whole belly hurt from exertion, and I felt so tired.
The test had processed. It was sitting on the edge of the sink for at least the past five minutes waiting for me, but I couldn't bring myself to look at it. I was terrified. Rachel had warned me so many times to protect myself, that Will wasn't good for me. While her warnings had come in the form of accusing him of being inappropriate, I should have heeded them.
I never thought Will was manipulative or dangerous, but if I had drawn clear boundaries and denied my own lust, I wouldn't be sitting here dreading the outcome of that test. I wouldn't be paralyzed with fear of my future being so difficult I'd cave and collapse. But I was. My future was uncertain, and that fear of the unknown kept making my stomach so upset I kept throwing up.
The dry heaves ended, and my stomach stopped cramping. I sat up on the edge of the bathtub and wiped my mouth with a dry cloth while I flushed the toilet. The tears didn't stop though. I kept crying and trying to calm myself down, but no matter what I tried to tell myself I was too afraid.
I knew what it was like for a woman who had children and struggled on her own. I'd watched a friend of mine in college go through it. She ended up throwing herself at the first man who looked her way, and now years later he had cheated on her and she was miserable. She was trapped too—unable to support herself and get away from his abuse because she had a child and never finished her education.
I had my education. I had a darn good job too, but it wouldn't matter when it came time for me to have maternity leave and I couldn't afford to take the time off and still pay the bills. It made me rethink the offer Will made to me to increase my salary and give me the benefits package Nevil Banks had offered me. But how would that look if I went and asked now? And what would the board think? I heard they weren't happy about the rumors now spreading around the company about me and Will.
I covered my face and planted my elbows on my knees. I was getting ahead of myself majorly. I hadn't even seen the test results and I was already thinking about the worst-case scenario, but how could I not? This was a huge deal, one that could change my life forever.
I raised my head and wiped the tears off my cheeks, then I reached for the test to finally put myself out of this misery of waiting. Seeing the results would be its own sort of torture, but at least I'd know which sort of agony I'd be in and I could stop thinking in "what if" scenarios.
I looked down at the white plastic wand in my hand and saw the two pink lines streaked across the results window and knew what it meant. My suspicion, which had been Rachel's bad joke, was correct. I was definitely pregnant with Will's baby, and that made my chest ache. I let the test rest in my palm and felt my shoulders drop.
I wasn't sure what he'd say or if he would think I'd done this on purpose. I didn't want his money. I wasn't after his company. I wasn't a gold digger or out to get his wealth in any way, but I wasn't sure if he'd believe that. I told him to pull out, and that was his mistake, but I couldn't even blame him. We were both so into it, neither one of us was careful. We were both to blame, which only made this result sad.
I closed my eyes and tried to think of anything good that would come of this, but all I could think of was his daughter's reaction to seeing me. She was so disbelieving, so hurt, and she ran off and ignored him. What would she think if she found out I was pregnant? And how would she treat him then? Not to mention how would people at work respond? And how would I even make ends meet? Babies were expensive.
Before I even knew what was happening, the door burst open and Rachel walked in. I hadn't heard her in the apartment, and I never expected her to be home this early, but she caught me with the pregnancy test in my hand and I winced as she looked down at me and saw it.
"Are you okay?" she asked, and she stepped farther into the bathroom. Her eyes searched my face for a second and then dropped to my palm. I sighed and dropped my head, but I didn't stop her from taking the test out of my grasp. When she looked down at it, I let a few tears fall. "Oh, babe…"
I couldn't stop the waterworks at that point. There was no point in shutting them off anyway. I'd heard that crying was a good form of stress relief, and that was what I needed right now.
"Hey, come with me…okay? It's going to be alright…" Rachel set the test to the side and took my hand, pulling me up to my feet. I walked with her into my bedroom where she folded back my covers for me. I kicked off my shoes and shed my jacket, then climbed under the blanket.
Rachel covered me up and walked around the foot of my bed and climbed on the other side, just the way she used to do when we were kids and I was sick.
I didn't have to tell her how scared I was or what I was afraid of. She didn't ask me to talk or explain anything. She put her arms around me and talked soothingly to me. The twin connection we had made it seem like she knew what I was thinking before I said it, and I was grateful for her not nagging me.
"Okay, so mistakes happen…but it's not the end of the world. There's adoption, or we can take you to a clinic." I tense and winced at her words. No way I was aborting my baby…The immediate reaction made me instantly aware that going backward wasn't an option for me.
"No," I told her, and she sighed.
"Okay so adoption is still out there, or maybe you need counseling…Obviously you haven't spoken to him yet?" she said it as a question and I shook my head. "Then that's your first step, but you can take your time."
I felt how rigid she was, probably upset this happened, but understanding how I felt. She wasn't going to lay into me right now when I was so vulnerable. I knew she was right. I had options, but when she said them, I felt horrible about them. I just failed to see how having and keeping this baby would be good for me. Unless Will wanted it too, and that seemed like a stretch. He already had one child, and he was having issues with her because of me. He'd never want a second one.
"I don't know how. What if he blames me? What if he doesn't want it? How am I supposed to do this alone?" I shook and sobbed into my hands again, and Rachel's unwavering support helped me calm down.
"Then you take that job with the other guy. He's gonna pay more, better benefits. He'll understand a baby is coming and hopefully you're good enough at your job it doesn't matter. I'd say based on how this Caldwell guy promoted you he thinks you're worth it. So will the other guy…You have options, babe. Don't fall apart on me."
Rachel was right. Maybe Will and I wouldn't work out, even though we both admitted to loving each other. And I felt like he was my forever love. Maybe it would be too much or he'd dislike the idea of a baby and not want to keep it, and maybe I'd have to take a job elsewhere to support myself. I knew two things: One—I wasn't getting rid of this baby. The universe blessed me to have it, and it was mine to keep and love. And two—now was not the time to self-doubt.
I was a kick-ass analyst and even if Nevil Banks retracted his offer to employ me, I'd have a thousand other job offers. I knew what I was capable of, and Will had talked me up so much, lots of other people knew too. I could count on having a great job if I had to leave this one for any reason, and I had fought through really hard things. If Rachel supported me, I could do this.
I just didn't want to think about the heartbreak if Will didn't want me and this baby. That would hurt.