Epilogue Will
Baby Will looked squished when Beth buckled him into his car seat, but the nurse assured me it was how it was supposed to be. Abby hovered, watching everything we did with curiosity and pride. She was already in love as much as Beth and I were. Never had a little boy made such an impression so quickly.
"I get to ride beside him?" Abby asked and Beth looked up at me.
"You'll have to fight his mother for that position," I chuckled, and Beth scowled playfully.
"Yes, you can ride next to him," Beth told her, and then she pressed her palm against my chest and rose up on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek. "Let's call the car…"
The nurse, standing by the door, beamed at us. Beth had been here every day from morning to night after they released her. She didn't skip a beat, and though she was technically on maternity leave now, the firm was looking forward to her using that same diligence the instant she returned as my senior analyst.
"It's already waiting," I said, and I leaned down to pick up Will's car seat. I'd gone over the entire checklist of things —car seat base installed, crib assembled, bassinet by the bed, bottles and diapers and wipes…I hoped I had managed to do everything the right way. It'd been almost two decades since I had an infant, and even then, Kate had done most of this stuff.
"You're such a good dad," Beth said, praising me. She hooked her arm around my bicep and the nurse showed us out.
"You know, it's really good that Rachel found a roommate. I really hope that works out for her." When her sister told us that one of her coworkers would take Beth's place only days ago, it took a huge weight off of Beth's shoulders, especially given how early she delivered and the fact that she should've had months left to prepare for Baby Will's arrival. I knew she felt so much better about moving in with me, though we still had to actually pack her things and help her move.
"Yeah, I guess they really get along well, so I don't feel as bad moving away now." Beth rested her head on my shoulder as we walked into the elevators, and I saw a hint of some heavy emotion on Abby's face as we turned and watched her walk in.
So much had changed in our lives so quickly, it wasn't hard to imagine why Abby might be struggling. She was faced with graduation around the corner, the welcome of a brand-new baby brother when she, herself, was heading to college soon. And she had to face the fact that I was moving on with a new woman, while she was still clinging to the pain of losing her mother and the need to find healing from it.
I had already cleared it with Beth and she knew my plan, but Abby had no idea yet. I knew there was one way we could help her heart find the closure she needed even when she wasn't able to articulate what it was she needed. It would be good for me too, though the closure I sought after Kate's death happened months ago, early into my relationship with Beth.
"It's such a nice day," Beth said, breathing in the fresh air. She'd been stuck indoors this entire time as a warm front pushed through, ushering warmer temperatures into the city. She smiled up at the sky as I wrestled with Will's car seat in the back of the limo and it was Abby who actually managed to lock it in place properly. She sat on the seat with her back against the driver's partition wall, and Beth and I sat at the back of the limo. I let my eyes roam around the bigger interior and wondered how celebrities traveled with their infants, and it brought a smile of satisfaction to my face.
Maybe I'd go back to driving myself and my family around, just for the experience of the closeness and intimacy I'd have with them.
The driver took off when we were all settled, and Abby stared down at Baby Will in his seat. He was quiet, having nursed not too long before we packed up to go. I knew he'd get hungry again soon, but we had one stop to make before I'd even consider letting him cross the threshold of my home, only because I knew what it would mean to Abby to do so.
I gave my driver specific instructions before he even came to pick us up, and he followed them to a T. When the car pulled into the cemetery Abby didn't even look up. She was mesmerized by Baby Will, fawning over him and wrapping his tiny fingers around her thumb. When we stopped, she did look up though, and she looked confused.
"Where are we?" she asked, and the driver opened the door.
"Get the car seat," I told her, and Beth slid out first. I followed her and for a second marveled at how beautiful she looked, even in her post-baby body. Her curves were thicker, and her smile was brighter, and I loved every inch of her even more. "God you're beautiful," I whispered against her ear.
She smiled as she pulled away and reached for Will's seat.
"Ready?" she asked, and Abby shook her head.
"Why are we here, Dad?" Abby looked sad and confused. I walked over to her and pulled her in for a hug and she was stiff.
"Because, I think it's only fair that we introduce Baby Will to Mom." I pulled back and held her by her arms and smiled. "Don't you?"
Beth was not and would never be a replacement for Kate. I loved them both uniquely and the spot I held for Kate would always be there. But Abby needed to understand what I failed to articulate—that my love for Beth would never supersede my affection for my daughter or her late mother. Abby was my world, and now Beth was part of that world, and Baby Will too.
"I think so," she said, and her frown resolved into a soft smile. She wrapped her arm around mine and we walked between headstones until we stopped at Kate's.
We stood for a moment in silence. It was difficult to muster any words. Kate's death had been so tragic, so sudden. It crushed me to feel so weak and vulnerable, to know at any second life was so fragile it could be sucked away and there was nothing you could do to stop it. A fate so cruel and punishing it not only stole your loved one, but your peace and your ability to feel secure in life.
Kate was a treasure and I still missed her. But I had managed to find my security not in the idea that death would never touch me, but in the idea that life could be lived fuller and more deeply in light of its fragility. Death taught me to love with more passion and hope, and it made me see how precious those around truly were.
"She'd have liked Beth, I think…" Abby was the first to speak and her words brought tears to my eyes.
"Yes, I really think she would have. They'd have been best friends." I smiled through my tears as Beth sat Will's car seat down next to the head stone. He was starting to fuss, squirming around in his swaddle, and Beth clung to me.
"I would have loved to have known her. If she could create such an amazing, generous, wonderful daughter, I know I would've loved her." Even Beth had tears in her eyes. It was like Kate was here, giving us her blessing once and for all. Like the heavens had opened and she was smiling, saying it was okay to move on, to love again, to be free and happy.
"Mom, I miss you," Abby said, and she was crying, sniffling and wiping her face.
"I miss you too, Kate." I squeezed Abby tighter to my side, and Beth wrapped her arms around both of us.
"Don't worry, Kate, I'll take really good care of them."
I let a sob leap up out of my throat before choking the rest back. My heart was so full in that moment feeling the release of all that mourning just flood me with hope and peace. Abby smiled up at me and then looked down at Baby Will.
"I think Mom likes him too…" Abby's words were dusted with joy, and I looked down at Baby Will and smiled.
His face screwed up into what looked like a smile and then a scowl, and he let out a whimper.
"He's getting fussy…" Beth stooped to rub his cheek, and I knew it was time to move along before he got too hot and started screaming.
"Can we come back again sometime?" Abby asked, and I bent to pick up Will's seat.
"Anytime you want, baby," I told her, but she shook her head.
"I mean me and Beth. I think I'd like to sit here and tell her about Mom sometime." Abby took Beth's hand and helped her stand up, and Beth looked at me as if she were so moved by that idea.
"I think I'd love that," she said and put her arm around Abby.
The three of us walked back toward the car and it was like a weight had vanished from my shoulders. The drama at work was finally over. Beth was healthy and had given birth to my firstborn son. Abby finally accepted a lot of things that I thought she'd never be able to process, and after years of feeling lonely and depressed, I had a family again. I had a real second chance at this thing called life, and I wasn't going to take that for granted.
My happily ever after came in the form of a tornado that turned my entire life upside down yet put everything into place exactly how it should be, and Mother Nature has never been so kind.
Thank you for reading Beth and William’s story.