Chapter 20
Chapter
Twenty
WINTER
I miss Bell. It’s so silly, because he’s doing what he loves today. I’ve sketched my feelings out, tried reading, stretching, fuck I even did some very weak push-ups to try to miss him less.
Listen, it was a moment of weakness, okay? I fucking hate sweating.
Now, freshly showered, I’m downstairs bugging Cassidy.
“Winter,” she smirks. “Your energy is making me twitchy. What’s up?”
“Everything,” I grumble. I came in to make myself a snack because Bellamy texted me to eat. He’s taking care of me, knowing today would be weird for me.
How could it not when we’ve been attached at the hip for so long? As he’s said, bad things tend to happen when we aren’t. Except, that’s not true today. I can feel the happiness radiating from our bond.
He’s loving his first day at the art school. I refuse to ruin that by being sad.
“Are you just missing Bellamy or is it something else?” she asks, watching as I pick at some rice and chicken.
I haven’t been very hungry today, which often happens when I’m sad. Dammit, why am I so fucking broken?
“Maybe both?” I suggest. “I’m so happy for Bellamy. This is what he’s meant to do, and even better than going to college for art. I just feel…lost. I don’t want to apply to universities if I’m going to go alone. I know that’s silly but I can’t help how codependent I am.”
“Oh, we’re all codependent in some way, Lovey,” she says, amused.
“Ansel and Shiloh are always working together, Abbott can’t sleep unless we’re all in bed together.
Don’t be surprised if he finds a way to suggest that you sleep in our bed permanently.
Our money all dumps into the same account, and we own businesses that feed into my love of shopping.
The trick to codependency is to make it work for you. ”
“How do I do that?” I ask, sighing.
“Find something you like doing surrounded by your favorite people,” Cassidy says with a grin. “It may even help you find something you’re passionate about.”
“This issue isn’t passion, it’s finding one thing to focus on,” I confess. “I’ve done theater, made costumes for shows, and participated in debate club because I enjoy arguing. I joined everything I could think of in order to not be home growing up.”
“You’re a very convincing actress,” Cassidy says. “It could be a good outlet until you can enjoy being yourself.”
Fuck. That’s partially the issue. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be now. Bellamy and I have been whatever we needed to be in order to survive, and now I’m not sure who I am.
“Damn Cassidy,” I rasp. “I sometimes wonder who the fuck I am.”
Taking my abandoned bowl, she tosses what’s left in the garbage now that my appetite is gone.
“You’re really fucking smart,” she says.
I give her a face as she places the dishes in the sink, and she shakes her head.
“Shh. Let me continue. Winter, you’re also one of the sweetest people that I know.
You were just thinking about the others who escaped the auction the other day, and no one would fault you if you turned into a cruel person due to everything you’ve gone through.
You also love really fucking hard. Bellamy is lucky to have you, baby.
“Just think about it, though, before you scoff. People who aren’t multifaceted don’t typically have an existential crisis at almost nineteen years old, despite the situation. Our pack has a few legitimate businesses, so let’s go shop for a job for you.”
“That’s not a real thing,” I tell her. “Normal people don’t just have jobs handed to them.”
“Oh, Winter,” Cassidy says, a predatory smile curling her lips as she walks closer to me. “You’re not normal. Pouring over the classifieds for a job isn’t something I’m comfortable with. There’s too many fucking sketchy people in the world. Our businesses are vetted, and no one will fuck with you.”
“Oh,” I squeak out.
Cassidy’s hands turn the bar stool I’m sitting on so I’m facing her, and my breath hitches as I look at her. She’s so fucking pretty, her blonde hair framing her face in waves as her piercing green eyes sparkle.
“Hmm. Are you distracted, Lovey?” she teases me, her lips touching mine softly.
“Mmhmm,” I mutter, kissing her back.
“Good, I don’t remember what the fuck we were talking about.”
Giggling, I pull her closer to me, her kiss deepening until I moan softly. Cassidy’s hands move to my thighs, massaging my skin gently as I open my legs to allow her to move closer to me.
“Me either,” I say, whimpering as her fingers play with the hem of my shorts.
“Ugh, we have to be good,” she groans, nipping my bottom lip playfully. My hiss makes her scrunch her nose at me, and I can’t help smiling back at her.
I don’t know what it is, but things are just easy with Cassidy. Even in the face of my worries, she provides options and suggestions, not mandates. Taking a deep breath, I take her hand as she steps back and I get up from the chair.
Glancing down at my outfit, I sigh.
“I should change. There’s no way anyone will take me seriously.”
“Doubtful,” she says. “Pretty sure people will be more worried about me eating them alive for looking at you wrong, even as a silent investor. You’re welcome to change if you want, but be fast so we make the rounds. My job is to work up your appetite because you didn’t eat enough.”
I flush at the other ways we could do that, except we wouldn’t leave the house. Her throaty chuckle has me racing from the room before I perfume and give in to temptation.
Walking upstairs quickly, I’m out of breath by the time I get to my nest. I don’t have anything professional, but I find a pretty blue maxi skirt in my closet, and decide to pair it with a white t-shirt.
If I need anything different for the job, I’ll figure it out later. Slipping on a white pair of slip-on sneakers, I brush my hair and glare at myself in the mirror.
“I’m so out of practice at just being a person,” I sigh. I still have to remind myself to do normal things like brushing my teeth and hair regularly. I have full autonomy over myself now, and no one tells you how overwhelming that can be.
I have a little container of clear hair ties, and I twist and pull up the front of my hair until it’s out of my face. Now, the top is zigzagged in a cute pattern.
“It’s better,” I say critically, shrugging. Nothing is going to change my age. People will either hire me or not.
I have few life skills, haven’t ever held a job before, and have to start somewhere. Yay me.
Shaking out my hands in the hopes of dispelling my nerves, I leave the safety of my nest and meet Cassidy downstairs.
“It’s going to be fine,” she reassures me, ushering me out the door. “Let’s get this nervous energy out with a walk, okay?”
“Sure,” I wheeze out, looking out toward the street. People are living their lives, while I’m losing my shit at something people do all the time.
Linking her fingers with mine, she locks up the house before walking down the stairs with me.
“There’s a boutique I really love that we’re going to go to first,” she says. “Abbott invested in it because of my love of shoes and clothing. I need things that fit right for my body, and they cater to all body types.”
“You have issues because of your height?” I ask, latching onto the topic with both hands.
“Oh yeah,” she says. “The hem isn’t long enough often, and my thighs are really muscular which makes clothes shopping a nightmare.
I don’t always have the time for custom made, but this boutique does alterations as part of its services.
The owner used to work somewhere else. When I heard she was branching off, Abbott offered to invest in her company. ”
“Strategic,” I say without thinking.
“Exactly,” she says, grinning at me. “He did the same for a couple of restaurants and a shoe shop I’m obsessed with. You don’t have to wait for the world to accept you, Winter. You can make it bend for you instead.”
The anxiety begins to bleed out of my body as we walk, and I nod, starting to understand what she means.
“Female alphas consistently get this reputation for being bitches,” Cassidy explains.
“I will be sweet as coconut cream pie, until you give me a reason to fuck you up. Even then, I’ll wait until I can do it without affecting the people around me.
You’ll never see me get shitty in a public place.
I will show my displeasure with a butter won’t melt in my mouth expression, and handle it accordingly later.
It’s why Abbott and I handle our more legitimate businesses. ”
Her voice drops as she speaks, her tone sweet and cultured. There’s a southern lilt in there that shows she grew up in Savannah, and it reminds me of the way Lyle speaks. Dulcet accent, even when she’s cursing you out.
Shaking my head as I remember the proud smiles Bell and our pack gave for the camera after they killed the man who raped me at The Hug Project, I count myself very lucky. I’m scent matched to people who, for all their murderous intentions, are good fucking people.
The breeze is cool in the face of the warm day, and I’m glad this skirt is so light and airy. Any day I’m able to see the sun is a good one, so I can’t complain about the heat. I won’t even think about it. I’m not in a cage or held against my will.
I’m going to treasure it.
“Here we are,” Cassidy announces, stopping me. I was in a groove and in my head, and would have kept walking.
Glancing at the large window, I see the display that fills it. This means people won’t be able to see the inside past it, which gives me another measure of security. The bracelet my pack gave me is still on my wrist, and I know Bell is wearing his as well.
Little things like this make me feel better about working too. Just because I feel like this is a milestone in my life I should experience, doesn’t mean I don’t have reservations about it. Yet, the need to do it overrides that worry.
I’m here, I’m finding a damn job. I don’t want to be home all day while Bell is gone.