27. Ava
Chapter 27
Ava
I hate I want you.
It’s the first thing I remember when I woke up in his arms this morning. It was around 5.04 am, and he was holding me like he couldn’t let go.
I hate that I didn't want him too.
I'd love to hate the sounds he makes when he sleeps; the purrs he makes, but I can't. It’s the most soothing thing in the world, and I fell back to sleep.
The next time I woke, it was 6.10 am, and he’d gone.
The absence of his warmth left a surprising emptiness. The sheets beside me were cool to the touch, but the memory of his arms around me lingered, as vivid and unsettling as a fever dream.
The soft, golden light of early morning bathed the room as I absently traced the spot where he had lain.
Only coming to my senses minutes later, pulling my hand away as if it had been burned.
How can I feel this way?
How dare my body and mind betray me like this?
I close my eyes, remembering every moment of last night. I remember begging for his knot. Worse than that, I was begging for him.
“Oh, God.”
Hugging my knees to my chest as I try to make sense of the vortex of emotions swirling within me.
Anger warring with a longing I don’t want to admit. Then there’s a healthy dose of disgust at myself, and at my weakness. But all of it is wrapped in a blanket of comfort. The same feeling I found in his arms.
You are an omega, Ava. You’re beating yourself up when it’s just biology.
Is it just biology?
The purring sound he’d made in his sleep echoes in my mind, like one of the meditation tunes you listen to get to sleep. When it turns out, he’s all I need.
Tears of frustration well in my eyes.
How could I let this happen?
How had I even allowed myself to find solace in the arms of my captor?
But I can’t deny I loved the warmth of his embrace, the gentleness of his touch. But I have to remember my situation. I’m still a prisoner here, regardless of how tenderly he held me.
“I hate him.”
Argh!
“Forget it! Forget it!” I rock my head from side to side, trying to remove the memory, but stubbornly, it remains.
I throw off the covers and stand and walk to the wall. I turn and stare at the bed where I’d lain in his arms.
With a deep breath, I straighten my shoulders, trying to reclaim some semblance of control. I can’t allow these feelings to cloud my judgment or weaken my resolve.
No matter how comforting his presence had been, no matter how my body responded to his touch. I have to remember the truth.
I’m here against my will.
And no amount of gentle embraces, tenderness or soothing sleep-sounds can change that fundamental reality.
My eyes roll into my head as I inhale his scent.
Frustrated, I stride into the shower to wash away his scent.
Once I’ve finished showering, I spread toothpaste over my brush and brush my teeth.
There’s a gentle tap against the French doors in my bedroom that leads into the lush gardens.
With my toothbrush still lodged in my mouth, I pull back the curtains and see Lily, a massive smile on her face, and she’s holding out her bunny to me.
I turn the key, which I’m still allowed to have since I agreed to eat dinner with Max, despite trying to flee.
I spin around and glance at the clock again.
Fuck!
My heart sinks. I missed my five o’clock escape time.
Lily taps on the window again. I paste on a smile and open the doors.
“Hey.” I try to say with a mouthful of toothpaste. I hold one finger in the air and rush to the bathroom. Finish what I need to do and dash back to her.
Her nanny is sitting on a blanket with toys all around her. I pick her up in my arms and press a gentle kiss on her cheek. “Hello beautiful.”
She giggles against my neck. “Play with me.”
“Okay let’s play.”
If I have to spend another day in this gilded cage, I’ll gladly do it just to be around this little girl.
We play for three hours straight, including painting and too many games of hide and seek. I’ve read her stories, and now she’s on my bed because she wanted to snuggle into all my blankets while I read to her again.
She’s picked out her favorite book, and as I read, I can feel myself falling deeper into a dangerous attachment to the little girl.
Lily’s eyelids grow heavy as I finish the story, and soon she’s fast asleep beside me, her small form curled up in the blankets, but her little hand rests on my arm.
As I watch her peaceful face, my heart swells with an emotion I’m afraid to name.
This little girl has wormed her way into my heart, and the thought of leaving her behind tears me apart.
But I have to remember, she isn’t mine.
I pick up my book, trying to distract myself from the conflicting emotions warring inside me. That’s when I hear footsteps and look up to see Silas entering through the open French doors.
His eyes flicker between Lily and me, something unreadable in his expression. “You told me you’d do anything for Lily while you’re here,” he says quietly, mindful of the sleeping child.
I nod, my eyes narrowing. “I did.”
“But not me?” His question catches me off guard.
“Oh.” I pause, unsure how to respond. “Mm ... Such as what? You hate me. You purposefully do something to your body to not smell me.”
He shakes his head, taking a step closer. “Not anymore.”
I inhale, trying to catch his scent, but there’s nothing. “I can’t smell you. I probably could when I was in my heat, but my senses are still a little numb.”
Silas pulls a vial out of his pocket, his movements slow and deliberate. “It’s wearing off, but smell this?”
He runs the vial under my nose, and then his wrist, and suddenly his scent overwhelms my senses.
Rich, deep rum, a little spicy, maybe cinnamon. It’s intoxicating, and I lean in unconsciously before I catch myself. I swallow hard, trying to regain my composure.
“What ... what is this?” I ask.
My heart is racing, and I’m acutely aware of how close Silas is standing.
He watches me intently, his eyes searching my face. “This is me, Ava. Without the suppressants.”
I’ve always liked the way he looks. His stormy gray eyes that look at me with such intent; his wide shoulders, muscular tattooed arms and chest, but with his scent, I’m caught between wanting him and the urge to run.
His scent is clouding my judgment, making it hard to think clearly.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I croak, my voice shaky as I glance at Lily, still sleeping peacefully, unaware of the tension in the room. “I’m the reason she lost her mother.”
Silas takes another step closer, his voice low and intense. “Because I need you to understand. Things are changing, Ava. And I need to know if you’re willing to change with them.”
I look up at him, torn between fear and a strange, unwelcome attraction. The scent of him, the proximity, the sleeping child between us—it’s all too much.
I open my mouth to respond, but I’m not sure what I’m going to say.
“I know you smell Max too. I know that’s why you constantly bicker with him, because you’re fighting this attraction. I know because I was too.” He gulps. “It’s because I feared my attraction to you, but now I don’t.”
What he doesn’t know is I fear mine for him, too.
I need to get away from these alphas before I’m crawling on the floor to them.