31. Jordan
Chapter thirty-one
Athena fidgets at the dining room table while I feed Dae and Blush. "Aren't we going to be late?" she asks, her voice straining with something I can't decipher.
The orange monstrosity of a cat yowls at me because clearly, I am not refilling his bowl quickly enough for his liking. "We'll be fine," I tell her as I straighten up the the kitchen as I pass through it.
Nervous energy courses through me tonight. Icarus is with the Stargazers for a 'pack party,' so he insists Athena and I go to the spa to keep me from sitting here alone.
Pack Stargazer.
Now that I know the origin of the name, it's somehow both more and less stupid than before. The meaning behind it is so cute and sweet that it is hard not to be endeared by it. Three sixteen-year-old boys named their pack after what they thought was my favorite flower.
When did they stop believing in me?
When did the steadfast belief that I'd be their Omega give way to doubt? Was it at seventeen? Eighteen?
I think back to that conversation at Meg's before they went off for college, where they tried to tell me they were concerned their future Omega wouldn't let them keep me around.
But at some point, they had believed that Omega was me.
When did it all go wrong?
I shake my head, clearing the troubling thoughts, and turn a strained smile at my sister-in-law. "Ready?"
She nods and slowly stands, her hands wringing in front of her. As we ride the elevator down and pile into my car, her nerves seem only to increase. Eventually, I can't stand it anymore.
"Athena, what's going on?"
She looks at me with sad, pleading eyes, then directs her attention back out the front windshield. "I need to tell you something. But I don't want to."
"Then you don't need to tell me," I tell her quickly. "Nothing is worth you being so upset."
"No," she says with a heavy sigh. She pushes her dirty blonde hair back behind her ears. "You need to hear this." At the stoplight, I turn to look at her. She puts a hand on my knee. "How much do you know about my former pack?"
I suck on my teeth, trying to remember what Icarus has told me. "Not a lot," I admit. "Just that their Omega told them not to keep you around."
She winces at my harsh words. "Yeah, that's the top line of it," she says, fiddling with the bottom of her shirt. "I met Pack Ocean in my freshman year of college." Her voice thickens as she speaks, and it's killing me that I'm driving and can't hold her hand or comfort her. But I think that was by design.
"Yuri, Tyson, and Wes," she continues. "I tried to keep my distance, knowing that a female Beta usually has no place in a pack. Omegas are too territorial. That's what I was told."
"I was told that, too," I say softly. I don't like thinking about all the ways I had to become a Beta despite always knowing the truth.
"But it was impossible, Jords, like, there was this magnetic draw to them that said I needed to be around them. I would've thought it was a pack bond if I was an Alpha." She pulls a knee to her chest and rests her forehead on it. "So we fell in together, in friendship and bed. I fell so hard, so fast, it was like I didn't exist before meeting them. That my entire life, I had been waiting for Pack Ocean to wake me up.
"We were together all through college. And then shortly after we all graduated, they met Willa." Knowing how this story ends, I would have expected her words to drip venom. Instead, they're desperately sad. I search out her hand with one of my own, giving it a tight squeeze.
"Willa was gorgeous," Athena continues. "And so fucking smart. She didn't walk. She floated. Completely ethereal. I was so excited for all of us. We had our Omega, you know?"
"You didn't mind sharing them?" I can't help but ask. Thinking of any of my guys with another woman twists my stomach.
Well, not my guys. The Stargazers aren't mine.
"Not at all," she replies. "I like women too. I love how soft and affectionate you Omegas are. I was excited to have an Omega to spoil and take care of." She sighs wistfully. "And I thought Willa was happy to have me around too."
"But she wasn't?"
"It took a while for me to see it. But she wasn't intimate with me without the guys around. And it was always me pleasing her, never the other way around." My sister-in-law's cheeks flare, and I reciprocate. This is something strange to talk about with a friendship as new as ours. But I don't dare interrupt her or show my discomfort.
She clears her throat. "Anyways, it came to a head when she went into heat. We were all in the nest, and she was preoccupied with Yuri, so Tyson and I were fooling around. She… she lost her mind, Jordan." Athena reaches to the collar of her shirt and pulls it down, revealing a jagged, puckered scar under her collarbone.
I swear loudly. "Did she do that?"
She swallows and lets her collar fall back into place. "She threw a lamp at me, screaming about how I touched her Alpha, and she wanted me gone."
"Fuck, Athena, I am so sorry. That's so scary and inappropriate."
Athena shrugs noncommittally. "She wasn't wrong. She's the Omega; they're her Alphas. I was just a tag-along."
"Those men loved you!"
"They did, but not enough, I guess." Her voice is quiet now, and she stares out the window. "Tyson took me out of the room. He let me know they couldn't take me to the hospital because they couldn't leave Willa while she was in heat." I can hear the tears in her voice, but I don't call attention to them.
"I went and got stitched up and returned home to find all my things outside on the porch waiting for me."
My fingers tighten on the steering wheel as I try to contain my rage. Their Omega injured her, and they threw her out like trash? "How could they do that?" I ask through gritted teeth.
"She was their scent match, Jordan," she says softly. "What were they supposed to do? Get rid of her for me? She didn't want me." The stress of those words cracks her voice, and the vulnerability brings tears to my eyes. "She tried, but she wasn't really into women, and then when her inner Omega lashed out during her heat, that meant I wasn't supposed to be there."
I pull into the spa parking lot, snagging the first spot I see and unbuckling quickly. I turn to face Athena and gather both her hands in mine. "It wasn't your fault, Athena."
"I know." A sad smile graces her face. "Unfortunately, I knew getting involved with a pack meant opening myself up to that risk."
"Was it worth it?" I ask quietly.
"No," she says firmly. "I loved those men. I still do and probably always will. But that type of hurt is something I'm not sure I will ever recover from. It's not that they didn't want me. They couldn't have me and their Omega, and the Omega will always take precedence. I will never get involved with an Omega-less pack again because I cannot risk going through that pain again. I don't know if I'd make it."
Soft, quiet tears roll down her cheeks, and I hug her awkwardly over the console. "Thank you for telling me your story," I say into her hair. "I cannot imagine how hard this has been for you."
"Do you understand why I had to tell you this?" she says when she pulls out of my arms. "Do you get it?"
I do.
But I want to pretend I don't, to be oblivious to the truth of her words.
To what it means.
She takes my silence as ignorance and barrels through my inner turmoil. "They were trying to save you from this, Jordan. It was stupid, and they shouldn't have lied and should have talked to you more, but they saw what happened to me happening to you and wanted to make sure you never felt that pain."
"But I knew," I say quietly. "I knew I was their Omega."
"But they didn't. And yeah, you knew, but seriously, Jordan, the fact that you presented so late should be proof enough that no one but you could have seen it coming." I wince as if she slapped me, and she forges on, oblivious to the effect her words have on me. "I'm not saying you need to forgive them and welcome them in with open arms immediately, but you do need to try to see it through their eyes."
I pull back from her, upset and angry that she told me her trauma as a way to erase my own. She must sense the direction my thoughts are going because the younger Beta reaches out and grabs my arm. "Jordan. I'm not saying you're not hurt and that your hurt is invalid. I'm saying you need to approach this by remembering what they were doing would have been the kindest thing they could have done if you had ended up being a Beta."
I wrench the door to my car open and climb out without looking back at Athena.
Who does she think she is, trying to manipulate me with her pain? Trying to make me see the parallels between our situations?
Anger roils within me, but it's doused the moment I see her climb out of the car. Her body is hunched over as she turns herself inward with emotional pain. Telling her whole story was a sacrifice.
And she made it for me.
My ire towards Athena isn't fair. It's rooted in the realization that maybe I can no longer hold onto my anger towards Pack Stargazer because of their decision.
They still hurt me, and they still lied to me, but maybe, just maybe, their actions weren't entirely irredeemable.