50. Jordan
Chapter fifty
Cyrus's body vibrates with emotion, but without a bond, I can't be sure exactly which ones they are.
Icarus, on the other hand, has been pushing his anxiety and angst down the bond all day. Luckily, it blended in enough with my own that it wasn't distracting.
I don't speak as Cyrus carries me through my bedroom towards my nest. He's in for a rude awakening when he sees that it's empty.
"There's no point in going in here." I close my sore eyes for a moment, dipping my face into the crook of his neck and enjoying the sweet blackberry wine scent that is strongest there.
He grunts and puts me on my feet wordlessly, spinning me around gently by my shoulders to reveal my nest.
Everything has been put back in its place, for the most part.
With a large step into the center of the recessed mattress, I drop heavily to my knees and cannot contain the whine that spills out of me.
"You put it back together. Why would you put it back together?" Hot tears track down my face as the mattress moves around me, and the four Alphas settle within my nest.
Simon reaches out for my hand and entwines our fingers. "I don't know why you took it apart, but we knew you'd need it when you came back. I hope we got it right."
It's better than right.
Because they put it together, their scents are even more potent here than before. It's just missing Icarus's calming eucalyptus scent, but a t-shirt or pair of pants shoved in a pillowcase should fix that problem.
Rafe clutches the teddy bear he gave me, and I can practically taste the despair dripping off him. Wordlessly, I hold my hand out, and he places the teddy in my arms.
Here, in my nest, surrounded by these incredible Alphas, I am completely mortified at my freak out.
Embarrassment colors my cheeks as I avoid all eye contact. "I'm sorry. The law firm called and-"
"No need to explain." Rafe's words are gentle when he cuts me off. "Stand up, Jordan." He hooks his arms under mine, lifting me to my feet. Before I can protest, Icarus pushes my skirt down my hips and legs before grasping me behind the knee and stepping me out of it one foot at a time.
Simon steps forward with a pair of cozy flannel pants, and Icarus repeats the process of lifting my legs so the other Alpha can pull the pants up my body and settle them on my waist. Rafe lets go of my arms, and I waver for a moment on my feet, but I settle quickly when Cyrus reaches around my body to unbutton the blouse I'm wearing and peel it off my body.
To my surprise, he unhooks my bra, baring me to the other three, but it's not sexual. They're not looking at me like they want to eat me. They're looking at me like they want to protect me. To take care of me.
To love me.
A massive, soft black T-shirt gets pulled over my head. It smells of fresh laundry with a hint of that ozone, staticky scent. I know it's Rafe's.
Once I'm dressed, Rafe lowers me to the nest floor, and all the Alphas follow, spreading out around me. Each of them touches me in some way, seeking contact with my bare skin and even pushing up my shirt to get it.
We lay there in silence for a long time. Eventually, the tempest in my mind settles enough to get words out.
"Lanie sold me out." A sharp inhale of breath, and several grumbles sound off in response. "She filed a complaint about me, and that, combined with not turning in my designation documentation, gives me no hope of rehire, no legal protections, nothing. And she somehow got my ex to report that I was blacklisting him because we broke up."
"Wait, the asshole who broke into the condo?" Icarus sits up quickly. "I'll kill him."
"I'm sorry, someone broke in, and you didn't think to tell us?" Cyrus snarls.
"He had a key. Icarus got it back." I rub my hand down Cyrus's arm, purring softly to calm the massive Alpha down. "He's not dangerous, just persistent."
"So you have no standing for a lawsuit," Simon says quietly. "That's why you were so upset?"
I crawl up to rest my head on his chest. "Being an Omega isn't what I thought it would be." He stiffens beneath me, so I rest my hand gently on his chest, my fingers tapping a rhythm in the bare spot of skin on his collarbone.
"I had all these big plans for what life would be like. And even though I always knew I was an Omega, I built a life with a contingency. It was one I would be happy to live if I never presented. If I never found a pack."
"And that life got ruined." Icarus reaches into my hair, undoes the pins holding the bun in place, and pulls out the elastic. "It wasn't your first choice of a life, but you loved it anyways, and now it's gone."
I lean into his touch, practically purring at the sensation of his fingers dragging through my hair. "Exactly. It feels like today I lost my career and my best friend. I lost my reputation."
The last words get stuck in my throat, and a realization punches me in the gut.
"Jordan Knight died today."
"Hey," Rafe says firmly. "None of that. Jordan Knight wasn't just an ad executive at HUG. What about your company, Knightmare?"
I wave him off, burrowing deeper into Simon's touch. "That's just something I put together when I first moved here. It was never supposed to be anything real. I didn't want to be Jordan Cross but didn't want to go through the hassle of changing my name."
"I feel like it would've been easier just to change your name, not create an entire company," Cyrus says with a chuckle. "Unless you did it to hide from us."
My face heats as I face plant into Simon's armpit. The chocolate malt of his pheromones and the sweet musk of his sweat are soothing, and I don't care how gross that may be. "It wasn't not to hide from you. Or, more specifically, a persistent Alpha who was still calling me nonstop."
Simon chuckles underneath me, his hand wrapping around my waist just above Rafe's. "You don't have to explain yourself to us, peaches. But maybe Knightmare could be something. You already have clients, right?"
"Yeah, a few. Not enough for it to be a full-time job, though."
"Well, that's okay. I'll hire you to do my PR and tell everyone who works for me to use you for advertising and marketing if they want me to be a part of it." Cyrus' words leave no room for argument. "And don't tell me not to because I'm going to do it anyway, and you're going to say thank you."
"Yes, Dad," I grumble.
A smack lands on my ass. "Daddy is fine. Dad is creepy." I look over my shoulder at Cyrus, who looks like the cat that ate the canary. "I don't make the rules. I enforce them."
"I think Icarus makes the rules," Simon whispers conspiratorially.
"I do," Vick confirms, lifting me off Simon and pressing my back to his front as he squeezes me. "And today's rule is that our Omega will eat takeout, watch a movie, and cuddle. Tomorrow, we can call Dr. K and work through the feelings and pain from today."
"I'd rather call her today, if you don't mind," I say quietly.
Vick kisses my temple and gently pushes me to a sitting position, where Rafe snags me and holds me to his chest for a moment. "Do you want us here while you do?" he whispers.
"No, I'd rather be alone if you don't mind." Of course, none of them do, and a few minutes later, I'm alone in the nest with the phone ringing for a video call.
I prop it up against the leg of my side table, resting my head on my folded arms on the edge of the nest.
Dr. K picks up and immediately gives me a soft half-smile.
She's been my therapist for four years, and I've always trusted her. Even though I don't think she truly believed I was an Omega until I presented, she never treated me like it was a mental issue that I believed. She just encouraged me to operate under the assumption I wouldn't present and to set my life up in a way I would be happy if I didn't.
"Thanks for taking the time to meet with me so quickly," I say as I brush my hair out of my face. "I'm sorry to be an imposition."
The older Beta woman waves her hand. She's probably in her late fifties, with greying blonde hair that she keeps in a braid down the back of her head. She's dressed casually in jeans and a flowy floral blouse, and I wonder if I interrupted her on a date or something.
"You're never an imposition. When I read your text, I knew this needed to be addressed immediately. You've had a stressful few months, haven't you?"
An inappropriate chuckle slips out. "You could say that. And then I found out today that Lanie sabotaged my career. It was a big blow."
"This is the Lanie who 'unintentionally' made negative comments about your eating, yes?" She puts air quotes around the word unintentionally, but her face remains passive. "I have to wonder if that was the beginning of this for her. Those comments – did they happen before you presented as an Omega?"
I rack my brain, trying to recall prior lunches with Lanie, but come up blank. "I don't think so."
"And do you feel like her comments affected your perception of yourself?"
"She did have me questioning if I was gaining weight and if Icarus was sexually attracted to me once. She just got in my head, and I struggled to quiet the voice."
"And why do you think that is?"
I sigh, trying not to get frustrated at her asking the questions instead of telling me what I need to know. But how can I learn and grow if she gives me all the answers? "It reminded me of what it was like as a teenager, trying to lose weight to present as an Omega. Of the way my mother…"
I scrub my hands down my face and groan. "My mother. Why does it always come back to my mother?"
Dr. K chuckles, leaning forward to prop her chin on her hand. "Because your inner voice is the way your mother talked to you. Or, your parents, rather. As children, we internalize what our parents say to and about us, even if they don't know we're listening. It's why the things Lanie said to you didn't immediately give off red flags as to who she was as a person. Your mother broke your normal meter. To you, those comments were something you could expect from someone you loved."
She takes her glasses off, and for a moment, I can forget that I'm only seeing her through a tiny phone screen. Her presence is so comforting that it's like she's right here. "If you had noticed how toxic her comments were, you may have realized her harmful intent towards you."
"I feel like it's my fault."
"Why would you try to take the credit for her negative actions? Would you take the credit for the good things she did?"
Scoffing, I cross my arms over my chest petulantly. "Of course not, but it's not the same thing."
"Of course, it's the same thing. You only control yourself. Was it a mistake to have her drop off your forms?" I wince, knowing what's coming. That paperwork was so important I should never have passed it off to her, regardless of how busy I was.
But Dr. K surprises me. "No, it was not. She was your assistant. That is exactly the kind of thing you hired her for, and until then, she had proven trustworthy."
"I mean, yeah, but – "
"No buts, Jordan. What do I always tell you?"
Sighing, I pull my knees to my chest. "I am deserving of compassion and kindness."
"That's right. When you blame yourself for Lanie's wrongdoings, are you being kind or compassionate to yourself?" I grumble under my breath, and she chuckles at my petulance. "I know you know that you're not. Now, talk to me about what happened at the clinic."
After explaining my interaction with Dr. Talbot at the clinic and my goal, she picks up her phone and holds it close to her face. "I want to be close to you when I say this, so grab your phone. Okay, listen to me closely. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have your dreams come true. Change is hard, and yes, your life is changing drastically. That doesn't mean you need to give up the one thing you've wanted more than anything else."
"It's not that I don't think I deserve this. I have worked so hard for so long, and all of it was ripped away. I just thought that if I went back to being a Beta, I could salvage everything." I lay back, holding the phone over my face like I'm chatting with a friend, not someone I pay $220 an hour. "It was stupid and rash. I didn't actually believe it would work."
"Stupid and rash it may be, it was still a decision you made while under stress. I want to examine those feelings."
For the next twenty minutes, she helps me dissect the way I really feel about being an Omega, recalling all the ways being perceived as a Beta hurt me and made me struggle to love myself.
I don't like looking within like that. I'm not sure if anyone would enjoy diving into their psyche to examine why they self-sabotage, but by the end of our call, I feel better about everything.
Not good by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm not blaming myself as much for Lanie's choices. Packing up my nest and going to the clinic was a decision I made to avoid accepting that my life had changed drastically.
"You were trying to return to a time before this heartache. Before you lost your job. Before your best friend betrayed you." Dr. K brushes her hair out of her face. "Over the next few days, please remember to be kind to yourself. What has happened to you, with the late presentation, the scent matched Alphas, and now losing your job and best friend, would be a lot for anyone. So spend some extra time on yourself, doing things you love that bring you joy. Be with your Alphas. Tell them exactly how you're feeling. And we'll talk on Wednesday, okay?"