Chapter 19
NINETEEN
I hate it here.
I hate that the lights are low and soothing.
I hate the soft, calming music playing through the building.
I hate all the nesting material that screams comfort stacked on the shelves.
I hate this.
I hate everything.
I hate science.
I hate biology.
I hate the weird intersection of science and biology that turned me into an Omega, and now has me craving the colleagues I once considered my closest friends.
I hate that I want nothing more than to wrap myself in that soft blanket Sebass picked out and cuddle up in his lap.
I hate everything.
I hate it all.
Except her.
Athena Valentine stands with her hands on her wide hips, and her nose wrinkled as she listens to Charles wax poetic about the differences between various types of lighting and their benefits.
Her ponytail didn’t make it past the first fifteen minutes of shopping, and now her hair is tousled from where she’s been running her fingers through it.
She taps her foot on the floor rapidly as she listens to the Alpha.
“It’s lights, Chuckie,” Harvey says, shaking his head. “Just let the Omegas pick one. They’ll never be able to decide if you keep up like this.”
“She deserves to know the benefits of each one!” the other Alpha insists. “These lights are sometimes all we will have during a heat and-”.
“And I like these the most,” she interrupts, picking up a packet of curtain lights from the shelf. “We can put them in front of the window to block that light when we need to, but it’ll be enough light without hurting our eyes when…”
She trails off, not wanting to speak about going into heat.
Thank God, because I don’t want to either. One unplanned heat was enough for me. And that one lasted only a day. What is it going to be like when we’re delirious with arousal for several days?
Part of me feels like we need to sit down and discuss the sexual dynamics that are going to be at play before it gets to that point.
I don’t want our bodies to betray us in the moment, asking for something we’re not ready to give.
But it feels weird to sit across from my friends and be like, “Hey, which of you wants to fuck me?”
It’s not exactly dinner table conversation, that’s for sure.
As we continue through the store, going down every single aisle at Charles’s insistence, the original panic I felt when walking in here lessens. I hate that this place is calling to a part of me I wish never existed, but it is.
Sebass bumps me with his shoulder. “You holding up okay?” I grunt a little.
I’m not going to spill my guts to him and tell him about the conflicting feelings I’m having.
About how on the one hand I’m so fucking mad about being turned into an Omega that I want to raze this place to the ground, but on the other, I want to throw everything on the floor and roll in it.
“Cool, cool. Wanted to let you know that I’m impressed at how you’re putting aside your desires to make sure Athena gets everything she needs. ”
That wasn’t what I expected to hear. I thought he’d give me another lecture about how I need to embrace my inner Omega, not praise. The praise feels good. I didn’t know I needed to hear that. “Thanks. It’s hard not to want her to have the world.”
He watches her denim-covered ass sway as she walks down the pillow aisle. “Yeah, I can see that.”
The Alpha is saying more, but I cannot hear him, because I have tuned out the world around me.
A dark forest-green body pillow has captured all of my attention.
It’s got a curve in the middle, meant to emulate cuddling someone when you wrap your body around it, and the cover looks like it’s made from the softest sherpa in the world.
It takes everything in me to ground myself and not run forward and snatch it off the shelves.
I don’t need it. I am better than this. I’m not just another Omega. I’m a Beta who was experimented on. That doesn’t mean I have to fall into all the traps of an Omega just because they told me I do.
“It’s okay to want it, ya know?” Wyatt’s deep Southern drawl whispers in my ear from behind. I didn’t know he was there, and I barely stifle a startled whine. “You don’t have to be stoic for us, Atlas. We’re here for you both.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say stiffly, trying to ignore how good it feels to have his body so close to mine.
“She’d want you to have it,” he says, trying a different tactic. “She said she always wanted an Omega to take care of. You’re literally the only person who can give her that now.”
“Low blow,” I hiss, throwing my elbow back and hitting his diaphragm and forgetting I ever wanted him. A whoosh of hot air gusts across my ear, and the desire is back, shivers wracking my body, as my cock thickens.
My body won’t let me forget the night Wyatt and I spent together. He was shy and reserved, but the moment I took his cock in my mouth, he turned into a desperate mess, panting and begging for more from me.
More that I was happy to give him.
I love it when they beg.
Wyatt is my best friend’s brother, which means we’ve kept this secret for six months, but that is going to end soon. We won’t be able to hide that we’re in a pack together.
That he’s my Alpha.
It sounds weird even in my head.
The Alpha designation comes with a lot of baggage. They’re supposed to be dominant, protective, maybe a little overbearing. Protecting those around them, but especially their Omegas.
But I don’t want Wyatt to protect me.
I want him underneath me, and then I want to face the world side by side.
“Okay,” I say, scrubbing a hand down my face, giving in to the instincts that I’m not supposed to have. “Okay.” I snatch the pillow from the shelves and call out my Omega’s name. When she turns and sees the pillow in my arms, her whole face lights up.
“Do you think we could get this?” I ask, swallowing my pride and giving Athena the chance to treat me as her Omega.
Her eyes flash with affection, and that makes the uncomfortable tightening of my skin worth it. “It’s lovely. We absolutely should get it.”
We keep moving down the aisle, and Wyatt chuckles behind me. “Was that so hard?”
“Shut up, Wyatt.”
“I told you, I don’t need bath bombs and lotions,” I snap, fed up with Charles. “I’m not some weak, simpering Omega that needs to be pampered.”
He growls low in his throat, and it’s the first time I’ve seen such an obvious display of his Alpha nature.
“I know that, Atlas, but you are an Omega. And so is Athena. And if you continue to act like you’re better than all of this, she’s going to refuse to let us take care of her, too.
You think you’re preserving your designation as a Beta, but all you’re doing is showing everyone that you’re a coward. ”
I look over my shoulder, making sure Athena is distracted by Wyatt and Sebass rustling the clothing racks and holding stuff out to her. I’m not sure where Harvey is, but as long as she can’t hear what I’m going to say next, I don’t care.
“I’m not a fucking coward, Charles. But I’m also not going to be your perfect little Omega. If that’s what you want, find it somewhere else because this is me. I’m not changing for anyone or anything.”
He throws his head back, eyes closed, and teeth clenched like he’s fighting with the words he wants to say. Eventually, he exhales harshly, and when he looks at me, his stern gaze flickers with disappointment.
“I’m not asking you to be perfect, Atlas.
I’m asking you to try. For all of us, but mostly for you.
How long do you think you can keep this up?
That you can bury your head in the sand?
This isn’t going away. This is the rest of your fucking life.
I’m trying to help you adapt to it. I’m trying to show you it doesn’t have to be so bad.
Do you think you’ll ever recover from the trauma of what you went through if you’re pretending like it never happened? ”
Deep down, I know he’s right. There is no way to go back to who I was before I woke up in that cage.
But, fuck, it’s hard to accept that this is my life now.
Anyone who says they do well with change is a fucking liar. Change is hard. It’s harder than anything else we go through. It’s the basis of all strife, every complication that can arise in your life.
Lost a loved one? That’s change.
Move across the country? Change.
Get a new cat? Change.
Find your scent match? You guessed it — change.
Have your entire designation rewritten while you fight to survive being kidnapped and experimented on, and getting free only to realize that your whole life is different now, and you have to learn how to exist in a world that feels like it’s working against you?
Change, change, change.
Everyone can say they’re great with change, that they roll with the punches, until one hits them square in the nose.
Something about Charles makes me want to fight. Maybe it’s because I know he’s not into guys, and that makes rejecting him safe. I don’t need him to want me because he’ll never be able to change his sexuality.
So I lash out.
“What the hell do you know about trauma, Charles? Your life was great. Your parents were kind and loving, and you’ve always had their support.
Maybe that’s why you see me as a fucking project.
Something to be fixed. But newsflash, Charles.
You can’t fix me. This is who I am, and no amount of molding me into your image of what an Omega is supposed to be is going to make you want to fuck me. ”
Charles stares at me with a blank expression that makes my stomach churn.
I shouldn’t have said that.
“That’s enough,” Harvey barks behind me. His hand lands on the back of my neck and squeezes. “You’re done here. We’re taking a break.”
“Let go of me.” His hand only tightens.
“Nope. Because you’re my Omega and you’re in distress. You can’t whine and fight like that and expect me to stand by and do nothing.”
“I didn’t fucking whine,” I mutter.
“Keep telling yourself that.” He spins me and pushes me toward the door, pausing next to where Athena is shopping with the other Alphas. “Athena, Atlas could use a break. Would you like to come with us and rest in the car while the others finish up?”
I watch relief roll over my Omega as she nods furiously. “Yes, I would like that very much.”
He holds his free hand out to her, and she eagerly grabs it. Since they shared their traumas, she seems more comfortable with him than she is with the others. But she’s warming up to all of them quickly, seemingly coming into her new designation easily.
There is a twinge of jealousy inside me that I can’t be like that.
Why can’t I stop fighting? It’s exhausting. My body is battered and bruised, and my soul aches.
I never asked for this.
Harvey leads us to the SUV and climbs into the back seat with us, wedging himself tightly between us. His hands find each of our thighs, his fingertips squeezing me over my jeans. I try to wiggle out of his grip.
“Do not test me right now, Atlas,” he growls.
“You went through something none of us can understand. I get that. But we’re all going through it now.
You think it’s easy for us to find out we have two Omegas, one of whom is someone we consider a friend?
” He lowers his voice, eyes darting to where Athena sits with her head resting against the back of the seat, her eyes cloudy and breath slow, before continuing.
“And the other who is falling in and out of awareness? The lights are on, but nobody is home. How are we supposed to take care of her if we don’t know what is wrong?
If she won’t talk to us about what she’s experiencing during these episodes?
As long as you keep doubling down, pretending you’re not an Omega, she’s going to do the same.
You two are linked, and she’s not going to do anything to make you uncomfortable. ”
I squirm in my seat, hating the way his words highlight every mistake I’ve made.
“You’ve bonded her. It’s an honor to receive a bond from an Omega, and a big responsibility. And you’re failing her.”
It would have been better if he had punched me in the throat.
“I can’t be an Omega, Harvey,” I say quietly, staring at where his hand still rests on my thigh.
“I don’t know how to. Who am I going to be if I give in to every urge that has been bubbling up?
Because Atlas Cassidy wouldn’t want to curl up in a ball with a bunch of blankets in Sebass’s lap.
He wouldn’t feel gutted that he pissed off Charles and hurt his feelings in the process.
He wouldn’t feel confused about why Wyatt is being hot and cold.
He wouldn’t want to let you crawl on top of him and… ”
I take a deep breath, squeezing my eyes shut. “He wouldn’t do any of this, Harvey. And I don’t know who I am if I’m not him anymore.”