Chapter 27
I woke up feeling like I could close my eyes and sleep for a year. Everything ached. My eyes burned when I tried to blink them open, and I burrowed back into the nest to shield them from the blazing sun outside. Bear was a soft warmth in my chest. I’d always thought a bond would feel invasive, having someone able to access your emotions, carrying them around with you, but Bear didn’t feel that way. He was more like a sweater, wrapping me up and offering a silent protection, there without being overwhelming, similar to how he held me.
My instincts were quiet. Maybe I’d finally satisfied them by getting Bear’s teeth into me. Instead of their usual screaming demands galloping through my body, I was content, light, bordering on blissed, at least emotionally.
Physically, it was a different story. Stretching filled me with instant regret. I groaned and cuddled harder against Kit. A soak in the hot springs would probably help, but that would require me to move. That seemed like a bad idea right now.
Bear pressed up against my back, looping an arm over my waist and pulling me closer. His purr buzzed over my skin. His contentment was gentle in the bond, sort of similar to the feeling of floating in a warm bath.
Kit yawned, kissing the top of my head and stroking my hair slowly, his purr joining the mix. “How are you feeling, little fox?”
I gave a grumble in response.
Ryder chuckled. “Relatable. Feels like I’ve run about twenty marathons.”
“We’re pretty close to getting power back, I think. We can set up the generator.” Maverick sat up, reaching in between Kit and Bear to stroke his knuckles over my cheek. “Interested in a bath, sweetheart?”
“Only if I don’t have to get there myself.”
“I’ll get one running on the main floor here. Give the hot water heater some time to get working again.” He crawled out of the nest and I stayed where I was, unable to work up the energy needed to move.
Maverick bustled around in the lodge, eventually popping back in to say the water was warm enough for my bath.
“With me?” Bear whispered in my ear.
“That would probably be for the best. If I’m alone in there, I might melt under the water.”
I fell back asleep for the time it took the bath to fill, and roused halfway when Bear scooped me up and slid into it with me. I relaxed against him, breathing in the steam-filled air scented with cedar and woodsmoke, my own scent twining around it.
It was unfairly cozy being in the bath with him. His purr kept me company, doing as much as the warm water to relieve some of the ache in my muscles. He was so happy in the bond, a peaceful serenity I couldn’t help but absorb.
“I almost miss not having power.”
“Why?” Bear whispered.
“Felt more rustic, I guess. It also means I’m one step closer to leaving. I never expected to be sad about that when I arrived.”
A bolt of unfamiliar panic shot through me, startling both of us when I jolted from it and spooked him.
“What was that?” he whispered.
“Did you just have an internal freak-out?” I wriggled around to look at him.
His cheeks darkened, and he nodded.
“I felt it.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. Can’t help how you feel.” I snuggled back into my original position, sorting through my own exhausted emotions while keeping an eye on the well of guilt from him that bubbled down the bond.
He held me tighter for a little while before cradling my head as he tilted it to the side and stroked his fingertips over a spot that electrified me head to toe. “Stay.”
I took a second to regain my breath, my whole body tingling. I swayed against the tide of his longing in the bond, brushes of affection and desperation reaching for me. “Bear, you know I can’t. I have a job I was supposed to start days ago and an apartment I was meant to move into. I’m hoping if I beg and explain the situation they won’t give the job to someone else.”
He let out a grumble of displeasure.
“You guys barely know me. You can’t be that sad I’m leaving.”
Bear locked his arms around my chest, holding me snugly to him. “Watch me.”
The rush of longing from him was somehow even stronger than before, as if his emotions could wrap me up and keep me exactly where he wanted. Fortunately, the sweetness that ran through it like an undercurrent meant it felt more comforting than stifling.
I sighed, letting myself indulge in the cuddle, knowing the hours of opportunity were dwindling. I had read so many stories about omegas suffering from being touch-starved, and I’d always wondered if I might be different because I preferred being alone. Maybe it was the long-term suppression use that blunted my ability to feel it. Now I had gone through days where I was constantly touched and I knew without a doubt I wouldn’t be able to ignore the loss of that.
Pumpkin nosed her way into the bathroom, resting her chin on the edge of the tub. I patted her head, styling her fur into a little mohawk while she wagged her tail. “You’re making me wanna get a dog. I wouldn’t have room for one in my apartment.”
Bear grumbled again, his displeasure coalescing in my chest.
“Please don’t,” I whispered softly. It wasn’t fair to say since I’d just acknowledged he couldn’t help how he felt, but it made the guilt I was already carrying get unruly. That probably didn’t feel very nice for him either, and I didn’t want to create a weird feedback loop of misery we couldn’t control. “I want to enjoy the time we have left.”
“If you go, I go,” Bear whispered.
I wrestled my body around so I could face him and he would be able to sign instead of whisper if he preferred. Pumpkin seemed to think this was an open invitation to lick the water droplets from my arm like they were fine wine. “Bear, this is your home. You don’t have to leave with me.”
“I do,” he signed, and then tapped the bite on his throat. “I want to stay with you. We chose each other and I can’t leave after we bonded.”
I stared at the mark for a long moment, willing my exhausted brain to parse the meaning. He traced his fingers over the same spot on me, a shiver rippling down my spine. I rose up onto my knees so I could see the mirror, a red crescent on my skin reflecting back at me. I sank down, what little energy I had gathered immediately dissipating.
Pumpkin booped me with her nose, demanding more attention, and I absentmindedly stroked her head.
“You can’t leave?” I knew the bond affected things; of course I did, but it was still this strange ephemeral thing in my head that wasn’t quite real. If he couldn’t leave, I couldn’t either, and Bear didn’t deserve a life stuck to me. Panic crashed against my ribs and Bear gathered me close, his purr rumbling to help me relax.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
Bear simply held me while I freaked the fuck out in his arms. I couldn’t have a bondmate. Certainly not one who would have to abandon his home for me to do my job. I had planned to be alone forever, suppress my heats as much as possible, and use a clinic when I was absolutely forced to go through with them. Granted, it wasn’t much of a plan, but it had always seemed safe.
Alone was safe .
Alone was controllable .
What the fuck was I supposed to do? Bear wanted me to stay, but I hadn’t known him long enough to make a decision like that. Long distance would’ve been fine: phone calls, weekend visits on occasion, maybe vacations at the lodge. Having a bond that tied me to this place was something I couldn’t even begin to make my brain compute. If I left, we’d both succumb to bonding sickness and be miserable, bordering on nonfunctional depending on how long I was stubborn about it.
Fuck.
Anxiety dug in deep, stealing my breath and logic, filling my limbs with ice despite the warmth around me. Bear pulled me in close, taking exaggerated breaths.
“Breathe,” he whispered.
His palm against my back rose and fell with me as I struggled to comply. Pumpkin licked my cheek, dutifully cleaning every water droplet from my skin. She was a good distraction, especially when her tongue tried to glide up into my nostril and I leaned away, sputtering. Bear dipped his fingers into the water and wiped away all of Pumpkin’s hard work.
Bear cupped my cheeks, continuing his breathing until I had aligned mine to it, my heart settling bit by bit to the sound of his purring. When I finally sat back, Pumpkin pawed me for more attention.
“We can figure it out,” Bear signed.
He was so damn soothing in the bond, a veritable wall of affection that kept my lingering panic at bay.
My apartment was only a studio. I hadn’t accounted for a second person, but Bear liked to be outside so maybe it wouldn’t be claustrophobic for him. Pumpkin wouldn’t be able to join us. And the others…
“Talk to me,” Bear signed, his eyebrows furrowed, concern flowing down the bond.
“I wasn’t planning on ever having anyone in my life. I know that’s not very omega-like of me to say, but I don’t believe in forming my existence around hypotheticals. I never had anyone, so it seemed silly to make choices that accommodated fictional partners.” I tapped my fingertips on the surface of the water, watching the ripples while I collected my thoughts. “A bond can’t be ignored or set aside. I don’t want either of us to suffer, but I’m selfish enough I’m not willing to derail my whole life for it.”
He nodded thoughtfully, giving Pumpkin some scratches under her chin.
“Could we make a new plan?” I asked. “Does one exist where a compromise doesn’t involve one of us giving up everything?”
He watched me for a few moments, considering before lifting his hands from the water. “How far away is your job?”
“Maybe two hours. I’m not exactly sure where we’re located.”
“Weekends and holidays here, work days there? We all want you to stay. No one will stop you from leaving.”
My heart squeezed. This place was practically a fever dream, an alternate universe where I was a wanton omega living the life I had always craved. That seemed too simple. I knew plenty of omegas were financially supported by their packs, but I had watched my mother suffer the financial abuse of my fathers and I was never going to allow myself into that position. I had to work enough to support myself, to be able to leave in case these men ever got body snatched and stopped being sweet.
Keeping my job and apartment and coming back here often seemed like the fairest compromise. “What about the hunts?”
“I won’t go anywhere without you. They last for days and we have to be close for the bond,” Bear signed slowly, brow still furrowed.
“I don’t want you to give up your job either.”
“I can still write for my blog. The others can handle the hunting.”
“You’re sure?”
Bear nodded, pulling me close for a soft kiss, care and desire going off like a fountain in the bond.
Pumpkin gave a disgruntled bark.
“I’m so sorry, Princess Pumpkin. Are you not getting enough attention?” I gave her a ton of scritches until my arms got tired and I was pretty sure she had worn out her tail wag. She flopped down on the bath mat while I settled back into cuddling with Bear.
“Uh, guys?” Maverick called from the living room.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“There’s someone in our yard. You might wanna put some clothes on.”
“A dangerous someone?”
“Unknown,” Kit replied.
I hopped out of the bath, Pumpkin biting at the droplets falling from me. Bear and I hastily dried off and I pulled on my wool layers, which one of them had set over the back of the couch for me.
“Stay out of sight,” Kit ordered. “We’ll go check it out. Bear, stay with her.”
He nodded dutifully and wrapped his arm around my waist, drawing me to the floor beneath the window as if knowing I would be overwhelmed by the desire to snoop. I felt his nerves in the bond, but they were balanced by confidence. Bear could protect me from whatever came.
The others slipped away to head outside and I peeked through the glass at the lone figure unsteadily walking toward the lodge, a sled of supplies gliding behind him. I couldn’t hear a word anyone said, but when the figure lifted his head, he promptly collapsed onto the snow.
“Oh shit.”
The pack collected him, hustling back inside. Bear scooped me up and pulled me into the kitchen. The others came upstairs, the figure now missing his winter gear as they laid him down near the fire. Bits of red hair caught my attention.
I wiggled free from Bear’s grip and went to investigate. A wave of horror rolled over me and I threw myself to the floor next to him, clutching his frostbitten cheeks. “Oh my god! Cooper?”
Ryder looked back at me. “Who’s Cooper?”
“He’s my brother.”