Knot His Reality (Heated #4)

Chapter Twenty-three

Remington

A knock on the door wakes me the next morning, groans sounding out around me.

I sit up, frowning as I leave the warmth of Eric and Victoria’s arms and look around as another knock sounds through the room. A glance at the bedside clock tells me it’s barely eight.

I’d kind of hoped to sleep in today, considering the fact we were up all night fucking. Obviously, I got some naps in between, but the way my eyes stick together as I blink tells me it wasn’t nearly enough.

“Fates, this is the one time I hate that the rooms are soundproofed,” I grumble, already moving down the bed.

“I can get the door if you want,” Milo offers from the other side of Victoria, and I shake my head.

“It’s all good.” Grabbing the bathrobe off the chair, I pull it on and head to the sitting room. I pull the door shut behind me before making my way to the door. “What?”

I didn’t really mean to snap, but Bree and Tessa don’t seem to mind as they shoot me apologetic smiles.

Bree wrinkles her nose, and I’m guessing she’s gotten a good whiff of my sex-laced scent. I’m sure I’m covered in Pack Hawthorne’s scent. “We’re sorry to bother you so early…”

I wait for her to continue, but she doesn’t as she lifts a hand to her mouth. “And yet, you are.”

“Oh my gods, Bree. Do not throw up on Remy. Go. I’ll handle this.” Tessa gives Bree a slight push, sighing when the omega practically runs away. “Sorry, Remy. She’s having issues with scents making her sick.”

I wince. That has to suck. Thank the gods I’m a man and don’t have to worry about carrying babies. I’m not strong enough for that shit.

“It’s fine, but can you tell me why you’re waking me up so early?”

Tessa sighs. “We just got a phone call from Lorenzo. He’s being released this morning and wants to know if he can come speak to you. You hadn’t made a decision before, and this is the only chance you’ll get to speak with him, but it’s up to you.”

“Fuck.” I run a hand through my hair. “Yeah. Okay. I think I need to know what he wants to say or it’ll drive me crazy not knowing. How long do I have?”

“About an hour?” She winces at my glare. “I really am sorry. We waited as long as we could, but he’s being released and is waiting to see if he’s being taken here or straight home.”

Waving her off, I shake my head. “Not your fault. Fine. I’m going to take a shower. If he gets here before I’m done, he’ll just have to wait.”

“Of course. Is there somewhere in particular you’d like to speak with him?”

Glancing around, I know I don’t want him in my space. “I know it’s breakfast time, but how about the dining room?”

She nods. “Done. We’ll serve breakfast on the deck for the suitors. It’s usually where they prefer it on Sundays, anyway.”

“Great. I’ll be out when I can.” Closing the door, I head back to the bedroom as my stomach rolls and my anxiety sparks.

What could Lorenzo have to say to me? Why is it so important that he speaks with me before he goes home?

“Everything okay, Remy?” Milo asks as I swing the door open to find all three of them fully dressed.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Lorenzo was released from the hospital and wants to speak with me before heading home. He’ll be here in an hour, so I need to get ready.” I step toward the bathroom before spinning to face them. “You know what? That can wait a minute.”

Milo’s the closest, so I go to him first. “I enjoyed last night,” I tell him before brushing my lips against his.

“So did I.” He grins as I pull back and head for Victoria and Eric so I can give each of them a kiss.

“Thank you for joining me last night. I know we don’t have a date scheduled this week, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with you.”

Victoria runs her hand down my chest with a smile. “We know. We’ll find some time to spend together. We’re not the only suitors you have, and we have to share you with the others. We’ll be fine.”

Eric nods. “We’ll still be here. If you need anything, just let us know.”

With one more round of kisses, they leave, and I hurry into the bathroom. I eye the tub with regret, knowing I don’t have enough time for a good soak. I need to make the time for one soon.

I have to remember that I need to take care of myself, and baths are a necessity—just not right now.

Climbing into the shower, I close my eyes as the hot water runs over my body. Memories of the previous night flash through my head. Me fucking Victoria and Milo. Eric fucking me. Victoria riding me. Me sucking down Milo and Eric’s cocks.

My dick thickens and throbs, ready for another release just from the memories.

Fuck.

I close my fingers around my length, shivering as I stroke myself but imagining it’s Eric or Milo. My hand is too big to pretend it is Victoria’s, but I imagine her on her knees in front of me with her mouth open and waiting.

Holy shit, why is that so hot?

My hips buck, my breath coming out in pants as I explode, imagining my cum hitting Victoria’s tongue, face, and tits.

Damn. I wonder if she’d be into that?

Shaking my head to clear away that thought, I give my dick another few strokes before releasing it and getting on with my shower.

I start with my hair before moving to my body, which is what’s going to take the longest. Pack Hawthorne was amazing, cleaning me up with a washcloth between rounds of sex, but I need a proper cleaning.

I scrub my skin with the descenting cleanser three times before I finally feel like their scents are gone.

It’s not that I don’t want to wear their scents—I would do so proudly—but there are fourteen other suitors here, and it wouldn’t be fair to them for me to walk around covered in Pack Hawthorne’s scents. At least not before I’ve chosen them for my pack.

Last night proved that we’re sexually compatible, but I’m still cautious about choosing them. Not because I don’t want them. I think I just need to see how they are with the other suitors now that we’ve slept together. I’ve seen the way some alphas change once they’ve knotted or locked an omega—completely possessive and overbearing.

None of Pack Hawthorne seemed to act that way this morning, but they hadn’t been around the other suitors yet either. It’s just smarter not to get my hopes up. It’s not like there’s another rose ceremony for a week. That should give me plenty of time to consider my options.

By the time I exit the shower, I’ve already lost fifty minutes. Standing in my closet, I try to figure out what I should wear.

I’m not worried about being fashionable—except the tuxes and a few polos, everything I have here is tees and jeans. But if I’m going to hang out by the pool, then I should wear swimming trunks.

Wrinkling my nose, I decide against that plan and pull on a tee and jeans. The suitors can hang out by the pool if they want, but I think I want to be inside today.

By the time I step out of my suite, it’s been a little over an hour. I wave to Camila, Brooke, and the twins as they walk down the stairs but keep my attention on Bree and Tessa, who are talking quietly outside the dining room.

“There you are.” Bree offers me a brittle smile. “I’m sorry about this morning. This pregnancy isn’t going like my last two.”

“No worries, Bree. You’re a superhero, growing a person inside of you. I wouldn’t even have been offended if you puked on me.” She laughs with me, visibly relaxing as I stare at the door. “He’s here?”

I see Tessa nod from the corner of my eye. “He’s just waiting for you.”

Noise filters down the stairs as I hear others making their way to the first floor, but I ignore them.

This is stupid. I shouldn’t be freaking out about going in there. Whatever he has to say to me can’t affect me or what I’m doing, so why is my breathing picking up? Why are my fingers tingling?

Because I’m working myself up to having a panic attack.

Damn it.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I force myself to take a deep breath and release it slowly as I focus on the sounds of Bree, Tessa, and the suitors around me.

Within seconds, I manage to cut off the panic attack before it has time to really hit me, causing me to grin.

I guess working with Finn is helping—even after just a week. Although, our second session is tonight before dinner. I can’t wait to tell him.

“Are you okay, Remy?” Tessa’s voice is soft.

“Surprisingly, yes.” I snort as I blink my eyes open and offer the pair a smile. “You’ll be out here?”

Bree nods. “Of course. We sat him at the far end of the table. You can sit as close or as far from him as you want. You can leave the door open a crack if you want to, but if you need us, just call out. Finn and Lucas are on their way up, just in case.”

“Not Lucas. It’s supposed to be his day off.”

“He’ll be fine,” Tessa says with an eye roll.

Then there’s nothing left to do except open the door.

I ignore the shaking of my hand as I reach for the doorknob and turn it. Stepping inside, my eyes find Lorenzo where Bree said he’d be.

“Hi, Remington. Thank you for meeting with me.” Lorenzo’s smile is brittle as I choose to sit at the opposite end of the table. He’s pale as he tries to hide the way his hands shake. “I won’t take up much of your time, I promise.”

“I’m not really sure why you wanted to see me in the first place.”

He nods slowly. “Because I want to thank you.”

“Thank me?” I jerk back, confused by his words. “What the hell could you have to thank me for?”

He grimaces. “I wouldn’t have been in a good place to become one of your alphas, so part of me is glad I fucked up so early in the show. As I’m sure they told you, I was in a diabetic coma. The reason for that is that I’m an idiot. I won’t go into the reasons because they don’t matter, but I started using anabolic steroids a few years ago. I don’t know how much you know about them, but they really fuck up your body.

“One of the major symptoms is insomnia. I found a doctor that was willing to ignore my steroid use and prescribe me sleeping pills. I’m never supposed to drink with them, but the insomnia has been getting worse. Alcohol can be terrible for diabetics. It can cause a spike in blood sugar and then a crash. That’s what happened the night I fell into the coma. Between the booze and the sleeping pill, the alarm for my blood sugar didn’t wake me up. Because I’ve been taking such bad care of myself, it sent me into a coma.”

I shake my head as I take in everything he just told me. “Steroids can wreck your body, Lorenzo. You need to come off them immediately. If you’ve been using them for years, there’s no telling how much damage has been done.”

“Yeah, I know. I didn’t really have a choice but to stop taking them in the hospital. They put me through a detox once I woke up. Now, I just have to deal with the withdrawal symptoms.”

“I still don’t understand why you want to thank me,” I say after a few moments.

“Right.” He scoffs. “I was an asshole when I met you, something I realized pretty quickly. Who the fuck talks about fucking other people when meeting someone for the first time? It’s not an excuse, but abusing steroids like I did has changed my personality in ways I don’t like. The reason I was having such a hard time sleeping is because I couldn’t help thinking about how disappointed everyone in my life would be with me. How disappointed in myself I was over how I treated you.”

Lorenzo glances at his hand. “While I wish I didn’t have to go through everything I did, it’s for the best, and it’s because of you.”

“I didn’t do anything,” I argue, and he smiles.

“We’ll just have to agree to disagree on that. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for how I acted. When I get home, I’ll get the help I need. I didn’t really get a chance to get to know you, but I can tell you’re a good guy. I hope you find your perfect pack.” He pushes to his feet and heads to the door without another word or glance back at me.

Even after I hear someone slip inside with me, I stare at the table as I try to wrap my head around this whole situation. Lorenzo didn’t need to tell me anything. He wanted to make himself feel better about how he acted. He could’ve just gone home and left me alone. There was absolutely no reason for him to seek me out.

“Remington?” Finn speaks quietly as he sits in the chair beside me. “Are you okay?”

I consider it for a moment before shaking my head. “No, I’m not. The only reason he came here was to make himself feel better, and that’s fucked up. I’m glad he’s okay because he’s a fucking human being, but I didn’t need to know anything about what he told me. I don’t care that he had a drug problem or that he doesn’t take care of himself. Acting like he wants to thank me. What an asshole.”

Finn chuckles. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No. Fuck him. I’m not going to spend another minute thinking about that damn selfish alphahole. But thank you for checking on me, Finn.” I soften my words at the end.

He doesn’t question me, just nods and pushes to his feet. “Enjoy the rest of your day. I’ll see you this evening.”

Then he leaves, and I realize just how hungry I am. I guess I’m heading out back to eat breakfast at least. Hopefully, I can convince the others to watch a movie or something today.

“This is beautiful,” Brooke says with a sigh, leaning back as she grins at me. “I didn’t even know they did carriage rides.”

“Neither did I until I asked.” Reaching over, I take her hand in mine and twine our hands together.

After a peaceful day spent in the theater yesterday, watching a movie marathon of Reginald’s movies and a quiet day today spent reading by the pool, I was really excited about my date with Brooke tonight. We had dinner at a small intimate Thai restaurant where we just talked as we ate, but this is the best part of the date.

We’re sitting in the back of a horse-drawn carriage with blankets on our laps to combat the cooler night air as we ride around Rancho Mirage. Usually, they’re used to give tours, but I just wanted to enjoy some time alone with Brooke. The driver let me know he can stop anywhere we’d like. We just have to let him know.

“Even with the sounds of the cars, it feels like we’re in a whole different world. Like we’re separate from where we came from.” She giggles. “That doesn’t make any sense, does it?”

“It makes perfect sense,” I tell her. “It’s like we’re here, but we’re not.”

She nods slowly, eyes never leaving mine. “Yeah. That.”

“Can I kiss you?”

Her smile grows as she nods, already leaning toward me.

Brushing my lips against hers, I sigh before deepening the kiss. I sink my hand into her hair as our tongues twine together. It’s soft and sensual, and when I pull away, I’m breathless.

“Wow,” she murmurs, lifting a hand to her lips.

I nod. “Yeah. Definitely wow.”

We laugh together as I wrap my arm around her shoulders and tug her against my side. We ride in silence for a bit before I glance down at her. “How are you doing?”

“Me?” She turns her head so she can look up at me. “Oh…after last weekend? That makes sense. I’m doing a lot better. I actually went to see Finn every day last week. Not for long, just long enough to talk a little. He’s helping me wrap my head around everything with my sister. He says I let it fester, but I already feel better. I thought ignoring it was the right thing to do, but clearly, I was wrong.”

I hum. “You know…I was doing the same thing with my anxiety, and I was wrong, too. Who would’ve guessed?”

We share another laugh as Brooke lays her head on my chest. “When I’m done with the show, I’m going to see my parents and sister. I don’t know what I’m going to say yet, but I’m going to do it. Finn’s going to help me.”

“I think that’s good. Closure could be just what you need.”

She hums, not agreeing or disagreeing with me.

Neither of us speaks for a long time after that, just enjoying one another’s company. It might not be what some people consider a good date, but for me, it’s one of the best.

Tuesday finds me at a comedy show with Lee, Rhys, Aubrey, and Ian. While it’s nice seeing them loosen up and enjoying themselves, it’s not really a date conducive to getting to know my suitors. Luckily, I convince them to stop at a diner afterward where we have a chance to chat.

By the time we make it back to the compound, I feel relaxed but still like I don’t know the four of them any better. I’ll have to be more careful with my date choices in the future.

Which is why I decide to cancel my original plan for my date with Camila when I woke up the next day.

My head hurts, and I don’t want to leave my suite—let alone the compound. I also don’t want to cancel my date because I want to spend time with Camila.

Thank the fates for Bree and her fast thinking.

I’m waiting beside my door when the soft knock sounds, and I open it and gesture for Camila to join me. “Thank you so much for being willing to change our date plans.”

“Of course. Tessa said you have a headache. We can totally cancel if you want to.” She reaches for my hand, squeezing it as her citrus, plum, amber, and vanilla scent washes over me.

My eyes fall shut as my body relaxes out of instinct. I don’t know what it is about betas’ scents, but they relax me in a way that nothing else does.

I might need an alpha’s knot or lock during my heats—plus, they’re just fucking amazing—but what I need for day-to-day living is to be surrounded by the scents of betas.

“No, I actually think this is a better date than what I originally had planned, anyway,” I admit. “I get headaches pretty frequently. My doctor believes a lot of them are because of my anxiety and the stress it puts on my body. If it’s not a bad one, I can take pills and move on with the day. But with ones like today, I have a routine I go through that usually takes care of it. I was hoping you’d do it with me.”

She nods. “Absolutely.”

“You don’t even know what it involves.” I snort, and she just grins.

“It doesn’t matter what it is. If it’ll make you feel better, and I get to spend time with you? It sounds perfect to me.”

Well, damn.

I lean forward and kiss her, barely more than a brush of our lips. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For being yourself, I guess.” I grab her hand and tug her toward my bedroom. “It’s all set up in here.”

She wiggles her eyebrows. “Oh, showing me your bedroom already? I like the way this date is going.”

Shaking my head, I pull her to where two massage tables have been set up. There are two beta women standing beside them with smiles.

“A massage? Hell, yes.” Camila jumps up and down. “I can’t remember the last time I had a massage.”

One of the women holds up a set of bathrobes. “You can change into these if you’d like.”

“Why?” I ask. “We’ll have to get naked anyway, won’t we?”

“Yes, but not everyone is willing to just get naked,” the second woman says with a laugh. “I’m Brenda, and this is Charlotte. We can step out if you just want to get on the tables.”

Glancing at Camila, she shrugs. “I’m fine with that.”

Brenda and Charlotte step into the sitting room while we undress. I know I should avert my eyes, but neither of us seems to be able to look away as we strip. My eyes rove over her figure, curvy in all the right places, with just enough softness to make her perfect in my eyes.

My cock hardens against my thigh as I take in her large breasts, pink pussy, and thick thighs. When I glance up, I find her eyes locked on my cock, and I sigh.

“We better get on the tables.” Regret fills my voice as I step away from her and do just that. “The last thing we need is for the two of them to come into a room filled with my perfume.”

Camila laughs as she climbs onto her table. “Yeah, that’s a good call.”

We call out that we’re situated, and once Brenda begins my massage, I forget about everything else.

With each muscle she loosens, I can almost feel my headache lessening. It might be mind over matter making me think that, but I already know my routine is doing its job.

Once we’re done with the massages, I lead Camila into the bathroom—trying my damnedest to ignore our nudity—where a steaming bath awaits us. I help her in before stepping in and sitting opposite her. It’s best to keep myself out of temptation’s reach. My cock might think we’re up to sex, but the rest of my body knows better.

We wash away the oils used in the massage before just enjoying the silence and hot water. Next, we’ll do face masks. By then, hopefully, this headache will be no more. Then we’ll be able to enjoy the indoor picnic that should be getting set up as we speak.

All I can do is hope that Camila is enjoying this as much as I am. There’s just something about having her here with me, her beta scent drifting around me and making me relax even more. How I’ve grown comfortable enough with this woman over the course of two weeks that I can share a bath with her—while not jumping her bones—is crazy.

I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable with Victoria or even Milo in here with me.

But isn’t that the point of a pack? Expecting one person to give you everything you need is setting yourself up for disaster. There are things not everyone can provide, so we build a pack until we all have what we need.

And with that happy thought, I sigh and settle further into the water, ready to knock this headache to the curb.

Thursday brings my date with Quinn, Gracie, and Nolan. We end up at the hot springs, eating and relaxing for a few hours. Gracie seems forlorn, her thoughts elsewhere for most of it, and I think it’s because she’s thinking about Rhys. As happy as I am that they’ve found one another, I’d rather if she wasn’t wishing she was elsewhere when she’s with me. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

It does allow me a chance to get to know Quinn and Nolan better. Nolan is finally finding his footing with the suitors and is coming out of his shell more. He’s always kind, but he doesn’t always have something to add to the conversation which means he just listens quietly. It’s not a bad thing, but it also makes it harder to get to know him.

On Friday, I have my last date of the week, a solo date with Taylor. I haven’t been able to spend a lot of time with the female alpha, and I’m glad I decided to take her out, just the two of us. There’s a small restaurant with live music called The Velvet Hour. It’s like a restaurant club combination. I’ve never been before, but I thought it would be interesting to check it out.

As we step inside, I smile at the intimate setting. The lights are low, with candles lighting the tables. On stage there’s a band playing music softly, a kind of jazzy sound. Instead of tables, there are booths with privacy curtains. It’s kind of awesome.

We’re led to the second floor, where we’re sat in a corner booth that’s big enough to fit at least ten or twelve people. I scoot in toward the center, expecting Taylor to join me, but she sits on the edge. It leaves me wondering if I scoot closer to her, but she also chose to sit that far from me, so I’m not sure that she wants to sit that close to me.

Indecision wars in me as the server hands us our menus and asks for our drink order. I don’t know what I want to drink. I haven’t even decided if I should sit closer to Taylor yet, and I’m expected to make another decision.

Panic rises, sinking into my chest as I try to get my mouth to move and give the poor woman an answer, but it just seems impossible.

“We’ll just take water for now,” Taylor says with a tight smile. The server nods and goes to shut the curtain, but Taylor stops her. “You can leave it open.”

Now, I’m frowning. The entire reason I brought her here was to be able to get to know her better, to give us the privacy to do so. We don’t even have a camera crew with us because of how the restaurant is set up. Tessa had cameras mounted in and around the booth, so they’d still be able to film us with the curtain closed as it’s meant to be.

Swallowing, I clear my throat. “The curtains are meant to be closed for privacy.”

“I don’t want anyone thinking something untoward is happening with the two of us in here alone,” she responds. “It’s fine that you went on dates with betas alone, but alphas and omegas shouldn’t be left alone without a chaperone. Allowing them to be unsupervised means the omega’s instincts could get the better of them. Which is why I’m surprised they allowed us to come here without a camera crew.”

For a moment, I think she’s joking, but the longer I stare at her, the more I realize that she’s serious. “Umm…you know that’s not actually a thing, right? Omegas aren’t ruled by our instincts when we’re not in heat.”

Taylor looks like she doesn’t believe me, looking up when the server comes back with our drinks.

“Do you know what you’d like to eat?”

Damn it. I haven’t even cracked open the menu yet.

“Hmm…yes.” Taylor nods, asking some questions about a few of the items on the menu before ordering. I hurriedly open the menu to see what sounds good but freeze when I hear Taylor order for me.

Shock keeps me quiet as the server leaves, my eyes locked on Taylor.

When she glances up, she lifts her eyebrows. “Is something wrong?”

“Uhh…yeah. You just ordered for me.”

“I did. That’s what alphas do for omegas. You’re so indecisive. If we left it up to you, we’d be here all night. It’s just easier this way.”

I shake my head as I blink at her. Surely, she didn’t just say that. Except I know she did.

How in the world haven’t I realized this was how she thought of omegas? I can’t recall a single indication in any of our conversations that would lead me to believe that she held these beliefs.

“Yeah, no. That’s not okay. First of all, I’m perfectly capable of making decisions. I’ve been taking care of myself for the last fifteen years since I revealed as an omega. I don’t need or want anyone to decide for me.” I lay my hands on the table and lean forward. “If you’re interested in an omega who needs to be taken care of, then you should probably go look for one who has just revealed. I’ve never heard anyone speak such blatantly false information to my face before. I saw the bullshit that happened last season on Heated, but I thought that was as bad as it got.”

She just blinks at me, her surprise clear as I stand up. “You’re welcome to remain here and enjoy the dinner you ordered, but I’ll be heading back to the compound now. I’ve never been so damn insulted in my life, and I’ve heard plenty of bullshit thrown at me over the years.”

Without waiting for a response, I turn on my heel and head for where Mike and Lucas are standing near the staircase. “I want to go back to the compound. I don’t know what Taylor plans to do, but I refuse to be in a car with her.”

“Of course, Remy. I’ll call and have another car sent. Mike will stay with her while I take you home.” Lucas hesitates. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Mike, will you please apologize to the owners and let them know I’ll plan another date here later in the season.”

I’m already halfway down the stairs when Mike calls back. “Got it, Remy.”

Lucas struggles to get in front of me before we reach the door, and I know I should slow down, but I just can’t. There’s so much rage rushing through me right now.

The thirty-minute ride home doesn’t do much to cool my temper. Bree and Tessa are waiting for me when I step out, but I just shake my head.

“I don’t want to talk about it. Can you please ask Pack Hawthorne to come to my suite?”

Bree nods. “We’re on it. Let us know if there’s anything else you need, okay?”

Rather than answer, I nod and march up the walkway. Once I make it back to my suite, I relax slightly and roll my neck from side to side in an attempt to relieve some of the tension. A lot of good the massage from Wednesday is doing me now.

Within five minutes, there’s a knock on my door. Swinging the door open, I throw myself into Milo’s arms, which probably looks hilarious considering our similar builds.

“Whoa, what’s going on?” Milo asks, and I shake my head.

“Come with me to my nest, please?”

When I pull back, I find Milo staring at Eric and Victoria with wide eyes.

“Are you sure, omega?” Eric asks quietly, and I nod.

“Please. I don’t want to be alone. I’m not ready to talk about it. I just want the three of you in my nest with me.”

Victoria nods, taking my hand and leading me back into the suite. “We’d love nothing more. Show me your nest?”

They follow me through my bedroom and into the closet. I unlock it with the scanner and then step inside to flick on the fairy lights. They’re set on the lowest setting and it’s perfect.

“Come in. Come in. My nest back home isn’t quite like this, but I do really like how it’s set up,” I tell them, shutting the door before making my way to the center. I grab my favorite pillow and blanket and lay down, already feeling calmer. “Please hold me.”

Within seconds, Eric is behind me while Milo lies in front of me. Victoria lays her head on my pillow but lies the opposite way as she trails her fingers through my hair.

I press my nose into Milo’s shirt as both alphas begin to purr, and just like that, all my worries wash away. I know I should talk to them and let them know what happened, but they’re already lulling me to sleep, and I think that’s what I really need—for them to hold me while I sleep. They’ll keep me safe.