Chapter 9
Hestia
Iyank the pot off the flame before the water boils over and lower the heat.
I keep my head down, eyes on the food.
I insisted on helping with dinner, but maybe I shouldn’t have until I get used to cooking at high altitude. Everything heats up faster than I’m expecting, and I feel like a clumsy hindrance.
I hope no one noticed this latest mishap.
I’ve been bumping into my teammates and dropping ingredients too, so I can’t put all the blame on the elevation.
I don’t know why I’m still so out of sorts.
When they got back from the hospital, Orion told us Silas doesn’t have any major injuries. He’ll be healed up in no time since he’s an alpha, I have no cause to worry about him.
Yet that unsettled feeling hasn’t gone away.
I’d like to fit in with my team, so I offered to help with dinner instead of hiding out in my nest like I wanted to.
That hasn’t done any good for me or the toes of my teammates (I keep accidentally stepping on them).
Henri takes the pasta from me when it’s ready to drain, and I turn off the stove. This isn’t the time to protest that I can do it myself with boiling water at play. I don’t want to cause any burns.
Charm talks me into getting our silverware, and I gratefully shift to table setting.
When it’s time to eat, I collapse in my seat. I didn’t realize how wobbly my legs were.
I shakily grab a slice of garlic bread and pass the basket along. The others do the same until everyone has been served.
I pour myself a little cinnamon-spiced eggnog, though I’m not sure it pairs well with spaghetti. But it’s seasonal, and Henri is the one who put the eggnog on the table, so I’m not going to argue with his culinary decisions.
I twirl some pasta on my fork, eating slowly. I’m not paying attention to their conversation, it’s all I can do to get some food down. I don’t feel hungry, but I know I should eat.
It’s only when it’s been quiet for a while that I realize they’ve gone silent.
I look up from my meatball to find most of them watching me. Magnus isn’t staring, but his head is tilted my way.
Charm is smiling gently, and Henri’s brow is furrowed.
“It’s normal to feel worn out, physically and emotionally, after a call like that,” Orion says to me.
“I suppose so,” I say, although I’m not sure I agree.
It was a quick rescue with a happy ending. I don’t see why that would be so taxing. Our classes at the academy involved much longer days.
“It’s different from training,” Charm says like he read my thoughts.
I thought they were trying to make me feel better about being so weak, but he seems sincere.
“At the academy, you work hard, but at the end of the day, you know the stakes aren’t high,” Charm continues. “No one is really injured, and the worst that can happen is you get a bad grade. The potential consequences of an actual emergency take a toll, even if it’s a simple rescue.”
I nod, struggling to accept that it’s okay to not be okay.
“It’s normal to be affected by the job. It means you care.
You did great today, and this heavy feeling will pass with time and rest. You’ll get used to handling emergency calls, and it won’t always be this hard.
The best thing you can do now is to take care of yourself,” Orion says.
“I advise eating more even if you don’t feel hungry and then going to bed early.
HR should have given you a therapist’s contact information.
I’ve found talking with them to be helpful.
My door is always open, and the others are happy to help too.
We understand what you’re going through. ”
The others agree with him or give me encouraging smiles.
Orion commended me earlier for how I handled things. When we put together our official report back at the station, he said I made good decisions and took initiative, thinking for myself. He didn’t reprimand me at all like I expected him to.
Usually I love being praised, but it didn’t feel real listening to his compliments. Like I’m disconnected from what happened today.
Shouldn’t I feel a little pleased that I was able to do the job? That they think I did a good job?
My mouth trembles, and I bite my lip to stop it, but it’s too late. I sense the shift, how they tense and their focus sharpens on me.
I don’t think I can brush them off now.
I keep my head down as I haltingly admit, “I’m not sure…I’m right for this job.”
I still can’t bear to say the reason why. Why it’s usually betas and alphas in this line of work. Admit that all the judgmental looks and critical comments might have been right.
“It’s only your first day, and you did great. Give it some time,” Henri says.
He reaches out like he’s going to comfort me but hesitates and puts his hand down.
Just another sign that I’m making things harder than they should be. They have to behave differently around me.
“Why do you think that?” Orion asks me.
I frown, barely stopping it from turning into a pout, and sniffle hard.
“Everything turned out okay this time, but I might not be so lucky next time. When Silas woke up, he panicked, and I couldn’t stop him.
He reacted like—like I was an omega and he was trying to protect me.
He shouldn’t have been able to tell I’m an omega, but somehow he sensed it.
Silas could have been hurt because of me, running around blindly in a dangerous area.
I’m no good to anyone if I can’t keep control of the situation, especially if my designation makes it worse,” I say.
They’re quiet, I’m sure silently agreeing with my assessment.
My shoulders slump, and I start planning how to repack everything I just unpacked. They don’t need me taking up space and getting in their way.
A tear escapes, but I hastily wipe it away before it falls on my pasta.
That show of emotion only makes me more upset. It’s such a typical omega trait, and being an omega is ruining my life.
“Patients panic and react unpredictably all the time. They go against their own best interests without meaning to. That’s why rescuers go through so much training, so we’re able to think clearly even when we’re afraid or overwhelmed,” Orion says.
I was preparing to dramatically run to my room because I’m not sure I can keep the tears from falling, but I pause at his words.
“Silas is an alpha, he’s hard-wired to be protective. His reaction had nothing to do with you, not really. He would have acted like that regardless of who was with him,” he says.
“You could have stopped him and made sure he didn’t get hurt. I just let him drag me around,” I say.
Someone growls, though it cuts off so quickly I can’t tell who. It seemed to echo all around me.
Now they get it. It’s not just that Silas panicked, it’s that I couldn’t do anything about it.
“You did get a handle on things though, Hestia. No rescuer, no human, can ever have full control over every aspect of a situation. That’s why we get calls in the first place.
You did the best you could to make sure you both got out safely.
If you thought you needed to restrain him, you have sedatives, and the academy provides training for subduing combative patients.
You could have taken that route if you thought it was appropriate,” Orion says.
“I dropped the calming sprays when Silas pulled me away,” I say sullenly.
“We heard what happened. You got through to him in the end, and you didn’t need physical strength to do so,” Orion argues.
“But I don’t know how I did it,” I whine. “There’s no guarantee I could do it again, and next time might not have a happy ending.”
“Explain what happened, and we can help you figure out what works,” Charm says.
They’re being annoyingly reasonable when I’m trying to have a breakdown here.
“Fine,” I huff. “I’d been trying to talk some sense into him, and it wasn’t working.
I was so worried he was going to hurt himself running around that I tried to push my words at him, like I could make him listen.
Somehow, that worked. Maybe my tone of voice changed, and that got him to pay attention?
All I remember saying is his name, and then I repeated the same things I’d already said,” I say, thinking back over the chaos.
Charm opens his mouth but closes it without saying anything.
It’s like I told them, I didn’t do anything special to calm Silas down. I’m not silver-tongued like Charm is.
Orion considers my words before saying, “Did you feel anything unusual?”
“I suppose I felt a little strange. I’m sure it was just the intensity of the moment, but for a second it felt like we actually had a connection, a bond. Although I wouldn’t know anything about how that feels, so obviously it wasn’t that,” I quickly add.
I’m sure that’s not what Orion meant because it makes no sense. It’s not like I bit Silas. Biting a patient in distress would be very much against our code of ethics.
“In rare cases, an omega can produce a hiss, which functions like an alpha’s bark.
In the omega's case, it’s a subtle way to influence someone.
It requires the intent to connect, and does create a brief bond between the omega and the recipient, unlike an alpha pushing their will onto another with a bark,” Orion says.
“It’s thought to have developed in response to alpha instincts, when the alpha overwhelms the rational mind.
The hiss was a way to get through to them, and the connection dissipates quickly with no harm to either party. Does that sound like what happened?”
Did I actually link minds with Silas? What are the odds I’d be able to do something like that? I hardly even remember reading about a brief mention of a hiss in an old textbook.
“I suppose…a hiss would explain things. I’ve never done anything like that before, but it felt like I could sense his mind,” I say.
I’ll have to research this. If it’s safe to use like Orion said, maybe I could train myself to do it on command for emergencies. I perk up at the thought.
“Good, now I want you to stop thinking that being an omega puts you at a disadvantage,” Orion says sternly.
“Even if you hadn’t used that ability, you’re still fit for this job.
It’s clear you’re well-trained and have good instincts.
Your designation hasn’t held you back before.
Don’t let negative thoughts stop you now. ”
I’m finally in the mood to bask in their praise, so I smile and agree demurely.
The conversation turns to lighter topics, and I resume eating with gusto.
I’m thankful I was assigned to such a supportive team. They could have so easily agreed that omegas aren’t right for this job and let me leave.
Even if I’m never able to use the hiss again, it doesn’t matter. Like Orion said, I have the skills and knowledge to be a great rescuer, and I have a great team behind me.
I go to bed early even though I’m feeling better.
A chocolate scent hits me as soon as I enter my rooms. It’s faint with the strong air filters, but I follow the smell to a fancy chocolate bar on my nightstand that I don’t remember buying.
It’s an expensive brand I’ve looked at lustfully many times but never eaten.
Maybe we picked it up on our shopping trip and I just didn’t notice until now.
I’m not sure why it’s not in the drawer with the rest of my snacks, but I was going to have a little treat before bed anyway.
I unwrap the bar and take a bite.
It’s even more delicious than I imagined, rich and creamy. I’ll have to splurge and buy more.
Visions of chocolate dance in my head as I fall asleep that night.