Episode 16 Crying in the Castle
Florence
“How’d it go today?” Haven asks, head poking over the back of the couch when I enter her house. I sigh as I move to join her, arching a brow at her set up. Blankets, pillows, snacks, an alpha rubbing her feet as she strokes a hand over her swollen belly.
God, I’m so jealous of her.
And I hate that.
I want to only be happy for my friend. She deserves this happiness and more. So much more.
Hale looks up from where he’s digging into her arches. “Did they behave themselves?”
I shrug and perch on the arm of the couch near Haven’s head, reaching down to stroke my fingers through her hair, absently. “Well, enough I suppose. They mostly just hung out in the parking lot.”
My best friend peers up at me with worried eyes. “Did you talk to them? Figure out what you’re going to do next?”
“There’s nothing to do. They haven’t changed their minds about Isadora. And I’m not going to move my whole life to just go and be their fucking mistress. Their kept, unbonded omega that they take out like a toy only for my heats. No.”
“Good,” Hale says, moving up to Haven’s calf with his big hands. “You deserve better than that.”
I do. But I’m not going to get it. Not with them or anyone else.
Haven huffs and doesn’t meet my eyes as she says, “maybe you should go with them.” Hale stops massaging his omega and flicks his gaze up to me, likely checking to see how I’m handling my very best fucking friend in the world suggesting I go and be a royal pack’s fuck toy.
Not well, in case you were wondering.
Hale’s lips thin. “Little mouse.”
“I’m not saying she has to stay with them!
” She tilts her head to look at me, tears shimmering along her lower lashes.
“I just mean, it might not be as bad as you think it will be. You won’t know until you try.
And maybe… Maybe they just need time to come to their senses, you know?
And in the meantime, you’ll get stronger, better, healthier.
I think it might make sense to at least try. ”
I try not to flinch at her words, but I do. I’d thought she would support my decision to stay away from them, to shore up my defenses, and live with the consequences of not having them.
“Right,” I say slowly, pushing to my feet.
“Ren.” She must see the betrayal I’m feeling because she scrambles up to a sitting position, reaching for me. But I step back.
“So I should just be happy with whatever they’re willing to give me? Beg for scraps of their time? Stay locked away from the world so no one knows I even fucking exist?”
The tears that had been hovering on her lashes spill over as she shakes her head. “No, of course not, but… You’d live, Ren! You’d fucking live if you went with them, and I can’t just sit by and watch you wither away.”
“Right, because withering away on the other side of the world where you can’t see it would be better. For you, I guess.”
Haven’s scent turns acrid and a little sob breaks out of her.
Hale lets out a warning growl, one that tells me I’ve gone too far in his eyes.
In mine too.
I’m being mean, taking my frustration out on Haven, when I know she only wants what's best for me. She’s still of the mindset that things might work out, that fate will win. That I’ll get my fairytale ending.
But I won’t.
I don’t have the luxury of believing in fairytales. Not anymore.
Ironic. Forsythe said the very same thing to me back on the show.
“I’m sorry,” I say, stepping away from Haven even further.
“That was out of line. I’m not feeling my best. But that’s not an excuse to take it out on you.
” I shuffle toward the exit, wanting nothing more than to just escape and be alone and cry my freaking eyes out. “I’m all sweaty. I need to shower.”
“Ren,” Haven calls to my back, but I don’t stop. As soon as I enter the guest room I’ve been sleeping in, I’m stripping out of my clothes and stumbling into the bathroom. My throat is tight and my eyes sting with unshed tears. Almost, Ren. You can almost let go.
I flick on the shower, turning it as hot as I can stand and then stumble under the scalding spray, sinking to the floor to curl up tight, protecting myself because apparently no one else is going to do it.
I cry as quietly as I can, shoulders shaking, but every so often a sob rips out of me, and I’m sure someone in the house has heard it. How could they not?
I cry and cry and cry, until I feel wrung out, empty of tears, and lighter than I have in weeks.
Maybe that’s all I’ve needed.
Well not all I’ve needed, obviously, but I’ve been so focused on being strong, moving forward, proving to myself and Haven and Ginny that I’m not broken. When really I am broken. Shattered.
And what a fucked up world it is that only the people who shattered me, are the ones who can put me back together.
Later, when the house is quiet and I sneak down to the kitchen to grab something to eat, Hale corners me, lips thinning at the sight of my puffy, red-rimmed eyes. “You know she didn’t mean you should actually accept being their mistress, right?”
I give a jerky nod, but I don’t actually know that. I think Haven would rather see me do that and have a chance of a longer healthier life, if not a completely happy one. But then, I guess I wouldn’t really be happy staying here either.
A real damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation.
“I do. Doesn’t change the fact that it hurts to hear her suggest it.”
He blows out a breath. “She just wants you to be happy, Ren. That’s it. She wants you to have what she has.”
I grit my teeth to force back my tears. “Yeah, well, that’s not going to happen. She got lucky with you, Hale. You all were smart enough to realize what you had before it was too late.” I motion with a limp hand in the direction of the pool house. “It’s already too late with them.”
“Only if you say it is.” He folds his muscular arms over his chest, pinning me with a look. “They aren’t bonded and you aren’t dead.”
“They’re engaged to another omega, Hale.”
He shrugs. “Engaged isn’t bonded, Ren. And honestly, it’s disappointing that you’re just giving up like this. That you aren’t willing to fight for them.”
I blink at him. Fresh tears stinging my eyes. “They didn’t fight for me.”
“No?” He unfolds his arms and grips my shoulders giving me a little shake. “They’re here, Ren. They flew here and they haven’t left. They won’t leave. What is that if not fighting for you?”
God, I think I might hate him in this moment, more than I’ve ever hated him before which is saying something, because he did some fucked up shit to Haven in his quest to get revenge on her father.
But he’s fucking right.
Even though I don’t want to admit it.
They are here. They haven’t shown any indication of leaving, not without me, and that is a form of them fighting for me, for us.
His hands bob over my shoulders as I shrug. “I just need more.”
“I know. And you deserve more than they’re giving you, but you need to give them a chance to realize that.” Another shake of my shoulders. “I don’t think it’ll take much for them to get there.”
“So why do I need to go with them, while they do that? While they get there? How is that fair?”
“It’s not. All I’m saying—all we’re saying—is you shouldn’t just shut them down out of fear, Ren. You gotta take the risk. The reward will be worth it.”
“If there is a reward.”
He gives me a soft smile, well as soft as Hale can manage when he isn’t looking at Haven. “It’ll be there. I’m sure of it.”
“I wish I had your confidence.”
“Well, I do have the experience of majorly fucking up when it comes to my omega, and I can’t even imagine what would have happened if Haven hadn’t been willing to give us another chance.”
“She’s a better, more forgiving person than I am.”
He hums. “Maybe. Or maybe she’s just braver.”
Oh, okay. Ouch.
Even though he’s not wrong.
I am terrified. But can anyone really blame me when my life hangs in the balance? When one more rejection from them might send me spiraling?
I shake his hands off me, and he lets me go, knowing his barb struck where he was aiming. Knowing it’s going to prick again and again.
“You didn’t back down from learning to walk again, to dance again, Ren. I can’t believe you’d back down from this. Think about it.”
I grit my teeth, but give a jerky nod of agreement, before turning to leave.
“Oh, and Ren?” I turn back to him to find his pale blue eyes glaring at me. “Make my omega cry like that again and I’ll toss you out on your ass so fast, your head spins.”
I believe him. Well, I believe he would try. The corner of my mouth ticks up. “You know Haven would never let you do that, right? No matter how upset she was?”
He hums. “She’s forgiven me for worse. She’d come around eventually.”
I chuckle as I leave the kitchen shaking my head. “Whatever you need to tell yourself.”