Chapter 7
Chapter
Seven
SIMONA
W ith sheer determination, I get through the next few days, my flawless and demure exterior fooling everyone. Internally, my motivation wavers between proving something to myself and knowing just how much it would infuriate Brody to see me thriving now that he’s gone.
I suspect his sudden appearances will become more frequent now that he’s slipped into the role of my brother. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s even convinced the administrators downstairs to update my emergency contact—listing him, and him alone.
That should scare me, and in a lot of ways it does. But I also think it gives me the chance to gather more proof of his nefarious intentions and his narcissistic tendencies. I’m only going to get one chance to take Brody down, I know that as well as I know my own name, so I will take my time and document everything he does—and what Unity doesn’t—to protect me.
After his first visit I dug out my Instamatic camera and followed the same routine I did when he attacked me back home. The photos of the latest bruises he left are stuck in my journal book now. Sadly, Omega Mother Beatrice also features since she was the one who walked him to where he attacked. The harsh truth is if she’d followed proper protocols he shouldn’t have been allowed entry.
In light of Brody finding my empty hidden hole at home, I’ve taken to being more proactive in looking after myself. I now have a physical journal book full of photos and recounts and I also have a digital copy which I upload to an iCloud account, under the same alias I use with Rye of all things. But SinDaBella has the ballsy attitude I need to adopt if I want to stop being a victim. I do. God how I do. It’s Brody’s bark that is making things hard. I’ve tried a few times to start a conversation with the girls about his abuse, but I can’t get a word out. I also can’t write a word about it. I come up a full void when it comes to telling people what he did. Until I figure out how to manipulate his bark, or to break his command on my mind, I’ll keep gathering anything I can, and I’ll focus on being me—whichever version that may be.
The freezing cold showers I’ve been taking morning and night since he pinched my skin—leaving broken capillaries beneath the surface—helps with the swelling and the pain. The violet discolouration will fade with time. But it’s the shock of his sudden appearance—and how quickly I slipped back into that old persona—that keeps echoing in my thoughts.
Sometimes, my thoughts turn much darker, especially when it comes to how I feel about myself. I know it’s part and parcel of what happened, and I try to move past it. But sometimes I fail. It’s no surprise that I hate being that Simona—weak, submissive, accepting of the way he treats me.
During the better parts of the day, I channel my hatred of that version of myself into motivation to shake off the negativity that comes with the hand I’ve been dealt. I know others have it much worse than me, and it’s not me being a martyr. It’s about being realistic. There are bad people everywhere. I’ll find a solution, or at least a way to cope with the situation I’m in. Until then, I’ll keep shifting between versions of myself as often as I want and need to.
“You know you don’t have to do this,” Heidi murmurs, the lit joint hanging precariously from her lips. One of her eyes is squinted because the smoke keeps floating into it.
She looks weird. Or maybe it’s just that I had a very specific picture in my mind of what someone who takes drugs would look like. But Heidi is still in her business suit, her usual pearly pink lipstick perfectly intact. She walked in, dropped her briefcase in the middle of our living room, and—without hesitation—pointed at Raney, asking if she had any smoke.
Judgemental me had kind of assumed Tristan would be the one more likely to have some, given how out there she is. But Raney just winked, hobbled into her room, and returned with everything we needed. Including the maintenance key to the roof door.
Which explains how the four of us ended up sitting in a compass-like alignment, like witches about to whisper incantations in the blackest hours of Shaman. Maybe that part is coming—because I’ve never been stoned. But now it’s in front of me, and I’m feeling bold in this exact moment… why wouldn’t I?
Heidi passes the spliff my way, but Tris snatches it out of her hand. “Sim, let me help you out,” she suggests, taking a huge toke.
The tip of the joint keeps flaming brighter and brighter.
Raney’s lids are slitted, but her humour is as dry as ever. “Makes sense you smoke like that, considering your lung capacity. I mean, you even talk in your sleep. You know that, right?”
“Of course I know that. But for your information, I’m actually talking to King. He’s in my dreams all the time. I’m telling him to kiss me, all tongue,” Tristan smarts back. Except her voice is weird because she’s talking without breathing. Her eyes are full of glittering sass, which seems to get more and more evident the more Raney gets pissed off.
“Shut up. Give Sim a kiss.” She laughs under her breath.
And Tristan does what Raney said to do. Well, she doesn’t kiss-kiss, but her lips fall on mine and before I can ask what the hell she is doing, she blows all the smoke into my lungs.
The burn is instant, and my throat starts to constrict. I feel like I’m about to start coughing and never stop.
“Hold it in!” Heidi schools. But when I look at her, she’s lying backwards, looking up at the sky, not even watching me.
I look at Tris for an explanation. She shrugs while a lazy smile lights up her stunning face. “You gotta cough to get off.”
“You clearly did not grow up around the same crowd I did. Good smoke is smooth like silk, and it infuses slowly.”
The way Raney talks all floaty, even swaying as she speaks, makes me start laughing.
And once I start—coughing so hard that tears stream down my face—I can’t seem to stop. Or at least that’s how it feels.
The next real memory I have is of all of us lying in a weird formation—each of us with someone’s head resting on our stomach, all looking up at the sky. I wish I knew how we ended up here, but I don’t spend too much time trying to figure it out. Instead, I focus on trying to make sense of what Heidi is saying to Raney about the stars .
“I’m inconsequential, aren’t I?” I add.
As if part of a synchronized dance routine, their heads pop up at the same time, all of them staring at me like I’ve said the strangest thing. Raney smiles first. “Explain to us, please. What do you mean.”
Heidi lights another spliff, and it gets passed around. I don’t need Tristan to baby bird it to me any longer, but I also don’t take any more. I’m not sure I like the feeling of not being completely in control of my own thoughts, but I definitely love how I feel like the girls and I are getting closer with each passing minute.
“Sim! You’re so fucking high, you forgot what you were saying.” Heidi laughs.
And I love her laugh. It’s not weird that I do. I think I admire everything about her, honestly.
“Wait, what?” I ask, realising everyone is looking at me.
“Oh my god, we need to get this girl to bed.” Raney smiles as she sits up.
I guess being stoned helps with her knee because it doesn’t seem to hold her back. She moves like flowing water, rising from sitting to standing in one seamless motion. Then she’s in front of me, with Tris beside her, both holding out their hands for me.
They pull me up, and I seriously think I’ve got this newfound ability to fly. My feet even lift off. And I bounce straight into Heidi.
“Grab all our stuff, you two,” Heidi directs as she spins around. “And you, Sim, I’m giving you a piggyback so we don’t lose you on the way down.”
“What? How? I’m right here.”
No one argues, no one gives me shit. I get a kiss on the forehead from Raney along with a whisper in my ear about never changing, while Tristan collects all our rubbish and bags .
I get this sudden sense of gratitude that wells up inside my chest, making me light as a feather. I honestly never thought I would feel this way with anyone, and it’s such a dreamy feeling.
I exhale softly and lean my head against Heidi’s as we all start walking off together.
“Promise me it’s always going to be us. Like, slots before knots.”
And then it feels like I’m free falling, right up until my ass hits the ground. Admittedly, when I realise I’ve fallen off Heidi’s back, I also notice the girls down with me—rolling around in hysterics, mind you.
Someone must have said something funny, but the light, happy mood we’re sharing is infectious. I lie back and soak in the good vibe, looking up at the sky, listening to them say how much they love me, and how we’re trademarking ‘slots before knots’.
I shut my eyes, enjoying the warmer breeze on my face.
“Sim.” Heidi’s voice is soft, kind of faraway, but she doesn’t try to wake me any more than a slight awareness. “Sim, you’re in your bed. I’m going to leave some water next to you and if you want you can come sleep in my bed if you don’t like being alone.”
“’S good. Night, Ho. I ’ad so much fun,” I mumble back without opening my eyes or moving my lips. Rolling to my side, my hands seem to move of their own accord, and I pull out my blanket, rubbing my face over it until I fall asleep properly.
The next time I move, it’s like a gate has swung open, flooding me with clarity. I keep my breathing slowly as I try to remember how I got here. Except… I sort of know. It’s like looking back through time with spiderwebs covering my eyes and cotton balls stuffed in my head. Snuggling deeper into my blanket hollow, I sort through every sensation as they stir aw ake. Mostly, I’m thinking I’m a complete badass for getting stoned on school grounds. And since there’s no regret or guilt waiting to drag me down, I get to enjoy my memories more and more as they come back online.
From under my pillow, I hear a muffled notification on my phone. I bury myself deeper in the warmth of my bed as I blink my eyes a few times until the blurriness leaves my vision and I can read properly. And then I wish I had kept sleeping or kept smoking.
Brody: Be ready at 7pm tonight. I have booked dinner. And you will be there.
Koded.R.Genuine—I want to see you. I’ll fly to anywhere in the world and we can do anything you want but I want to see you.
UNITY Wattle: Arts Department: All students involved in the photography course—Assignment due in two days. Additional study opportunity in the library today from 2 till 3 with Mr. Torres.
Checking the time, my heart thunders when I see I slept in until midday, but in the next thud, I remember it’s Saturday.
Brody can wait. I open the camera on my phone and try to take a few non-identifying selfies where I pout, finally settling on one before I open the thread of messages with Koded.R.Genuine and send it to him.
SinDaBella—not today, Romeo. Too much going on.
I do quick calculations and figure after a shower and something to eat, I’d probably make it to meet up with Mr. Torres in the library. Hopefully.
Koded.R.Genuine—You send that to me and tell me no?
I freeze up, double checking the photo and my stomach drops, while a rush of tingles race up my spine in the opposite direction when I see my photo included a whole lot of skin. The angle of the photo means it looks like I’m naked. I wish I was.
Before I can delete the photo, I get one in return.
Instead of his mouth, I get a photo of him glaring. Like me, he has cropped the hell out of it. No one in the world would be able to tell who it is unless you saw him in the flesh like I have. Koded.R.Genuine just confirmed who he is. The anchor tattoo under his eye is a sure sign, but it’s his amber coloured eyes that own me, making my blood sizzle and my pussy throb.
I get another one before I have enough time to properly memorise the other. And this one is lower, more suggestive. His hand is on his stomach, it showcases his insane abs and even more of his distinctive tattoos, but it’s the dark curls that steal my attention.
SinDaBella—more.
I demand it of him. A rush of heat races through me. Before I can second guess anything, I bound out of bed, lock my door, and pull the blackout curtains together. Dropping my panties, I crawl back into bed.
I have no idea if I am really horny because I got stoned last night, or if it’s just the thought of challenging Ryder to send me more illicit photos. Either way, I can feel the top of my thighs getting sticky while my pussy buzzes.
Koded.R.Genuine—I’ll send you an image of how hard you make me if I can listen to you playing with yourself. Cause I know you are. You’re touching yourself right this second. I know it. I feel it. And I want to hear it.
I’ve never pressed the voice button faster. He answers as I pull the blankets over my head and wiggle down into my blanket igloo, using pillows quickly to build up the sides. Self-pleasure isn’t something I do a lot and in truth I haven’t once even thought about it since Brody. Before then, of course I’d done it. But I got caught up in the embarrassment afterward, lost in the judgement of others if they ever found out. That notion is well and truly gone now.
“Sin, you just made me the happiest person alive.”
I don’t talk but I don’t hide how hard and fast my breath is coming. His voice in a one-on-one setting is even more silky smooth than on any recording or radio interview I’ve heard.
And when I open his image, it’s a hundred times better than I ever hoped. But it also makes what we’re sharing to the next level. Ryder has his hand wrapped firmly around his cock. The shadows make it somehow more intimate, like I’m there sharing the same dark space with him. His fingers wrap around his girth, a silver thumb ring catching the light, emphasising his thickness.
With my eyes glued to the screen I drag my fingers through my wet pussy lips and hold the phone down low so he can hear it.
“Yeah? You like knowing I’m already about to blow? You’ve been winding me up for weeks now, Sin. All this pent-up frustration, this need that has kept me up at night, unable to write one lyric is because I can’t stop thinking about you. ”
He talks softly, like I’m right next to him under his blankets with him. And my head fills with memories of his honey scent.
Since what happened with Brody my body has been numb. I haven’t felt anything physically, and I haven’t desired anything either. Now though, I feel like a different person. A sinewy trickle of pleasure slowly builds and hovers deep in my body, promising waves of bliss.
Ryder groans and then his voice dips low. “I wish you were here. It feels like you are. I can imagine your lips wrapped around my cock and I’m holding your hair out of your face so I can watch the way you swallow me whole. Your cheeks hollow around my cock, and you gag.” He moans slowly, “Yeah, baby, like that.”
As he talks me through what he’s visualising, I’m there with him every step of the way, but while I’m going down on him, he’s going down on me. Closing my eyes, I see him. His mouth looks exactly how it did after the photo of him smashing the milkshake but instead of ice cream his mouth is covered in thick strands of my slick. Three fingers plow inside my pussy, shallow though so I can rub my clit in a building frenzy.
My mouth falls open and I moan. The deep, long noise makes goosebumps dance over my skin. It’s his noise, his growing encouragement and praise, along with the wet slick noise as he jacks off faster matching the race of my heart that has me skating the edge of release.
“Jesus, I’m gonna come so fucking hard,” he grunts melodically. His voice is low and affectionate. “Come for me, Sin”
Even through the phone I’m there with him. His designation echoes across the line so much I swear his honey scent gets more and more evident.
I hear him grunt. “Fuck!” And as he comes, he doesn’t hide one noise from me. My pussy gushes thicker with slick, fire licks up my back so hard and fast I bow off my bed, but I don’t drop into the abyss with him. I skate along the edge. And while it’s a beautiful place to be—suspended in pleasure and promise—it’s where I stay.
He laughs under his breath but it’s not condescending or demeaning, it’s the noise I think lovers make when they’re both spent and heartful.
“I like this. And so, you know, it’s not a one-off. We’re doing this. Until you agree to meet with me in person, Sin, I’m going to be your long-distance lover. Faithful. Hungry. Determined.”
I laugh and continue to rub my fingers through my swollen, slicked-up pussy. Just because I didn’t come doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy myself. My body is buzzing softly and for now just knowing I can nearly get there is better than remembering the pain of Brody’s brutal ownership.
“Photos. Long sex sessions. You’re my inspiration now and one day I’m going to write lyrics on your body with my tongue.”
I sigh happily. And while he starts humming a strange melody, my eyes get heavier and heavier.