Chapter 38
O nce Kane had finally agreed to leave, life at the Haven became very different. It was peaceful—but not in the way my life had been peaceful before. Not isolated or quiet, like when I was in the basement, but truly peaceful. I was sharing a living space with a sweet, older omega named Fawn. I called her sweet, but she gave me the impression she was downright terrifying when she wanted to be. It was only after rooming with her for a day or two that I learned she used to be Lavender's roommate, which was probably how I ended up with her. Lavender must have pulled a few strings.
Fawn assured me, though, that she was here for me and she wouldn’t report back anything to Lavender that I didn’t want her to.
Immediately, we fell into a routine. There was so much to do at the Haven; the first week or two was just learning and figuring out what I could do with my days. There were exercise classes, cooking classes, and classes on practically anything I wanted to do. I could indulge in pretty much any hobby I wanted to. The Havens had a truly spectacular set-up. If I didn’t want to talk to men, I didn’t have to. I could just spend my days doing things I loved… and going to therapy. I still had to do therapy several times a week, at least that was Dr. Sarah’s suggestion, but I understood why, and I was excited to work through everything.
While I had opened up somewhat to the guys, it was different having a therapist who could understand why I was avoiding things. Who was able to help me root out the cause as to why I was behaving the way I was behaving and what I truly needed.
"Do you think the Haven will really respect what I want?" I asked, turning to look at Dr. Sarah. I was lying on her couch. For the first few sessions, I’d simply sat at the edge of my seat, biting my nails and waiting for it to end. But now, when I went to see her, I flopped down onto the sofa and stared at the ceiling. I might as well be comfortable while I was divulging my darkest desires and fears.
"I think it’s a bit early to say," Dr. Sarah replied.
"But if I hadn’t come to the Haven, they wouldn’t have had a say in who I was with," I pointed out.
She nodded. "That’s true, and I think you’re doing really well. It’s only been a few weeks, and you seem really open and honest about what you’ve been through. But I still don’t quite know what to make of these alphas of yours. Everything you’ve told me so far makes them sound respectable, but of course, the Haven is going to want to do its due diligence. You were smart in deciding to come here, take time, and learn about yourself after everything that’s happened."
I tilted my head up. "Do you know, it wasn’t actually me who wanted to come here for a year? I intended to come here for a few days, maybe heal, and then return home with my guys."
"What changed?" Dr. Sarah asked.
"My guys," I said. "They were the ones who pushed me to look after myself. I’m not an idiot—I could see how much sending me away hurt them. They hated doing it, but they did it because they want me to take this time. They said that, even if I decided, after this year, they weren’t for me, they’d be happy because they wanted me to be happy, healthy, and know what I want out of life before I made a huge decision like this."
Dr. Sarah tilted her head, intrigued. "Interesting. I was under the impression that this year apart was your choice."
I shook my head. "No. While I do agree with it, and I do understand their logic, I hate being away from them. There’s this hollowness in my chest. Urgh, I hate it because I know I want to be with them, but I also know and understand the logic of why I have to be here and why I have to look after myself. My omega instincts were trampled down for so long. I’ve had so many people tell me that I should listen to my instincts. Especially when they’re telling me that something is right or wrong.
Dr. Sarah nodded. "Omega instincts are very strong and quite intuitive, usually.”
"I know, but for so long, my instincts were muted. I pushed everything down while I was in the basement, and I didn’t let myself feel anything. So, now, when I have finally started feeling things…how can I be so sure I’m right?" I sighed. "That’s why I agreed to do this, all the therapy, all the being away, even though it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest." Tears welled up in the corner of my eyes, and I quickly wiped them away.
She frowned. "It sounds like you’re really attached to them. We just need to figure out if it’s a healthy attachment or not."
I groaned. "There’s no way in hell it was a healthy attachment. I literally found them while running from a psychopath who kept me locked in a basement. Then we were trapped together in a cabin for several months. There’s no way that’s healthy…but…I want us to find a way that is healthy because there was something there. Does that make sense?"
Dr. Sarah nodded in agreement. "You seem to have a mature outlook on all of this. Maybe, today, we can talk about how you felt about sharing your heat with them. From what I understand, there wasn’t much choice in that situation."
I groaned. We hadn’t discussed that topic yet. I’d staunchly avoided talking about sharing my heat with the guys, mainly because Kane had been hovering around ever since I arrived at the Haven. But now that he was finally gone, I could talk about it in peace.
I smirked at my therapist. "I see what you’ve done here—waiting until my shadow is gone to discuss this."
Dr. Sarah giggled. "Yes, well, no lady wants to talk about her sex life with her brother hanging around, does she?"
I cocked my head to the side. "I’m not sure. I was sorely tempted to bring it up just to watch him blush," I admitted. That made her laugh.
"But you did have sex with the alphas…?" she asked.
I nodded. "Yep, we went through a heat cycle together. For so long, I’d been terrified of having a heat. Alec had been trying to get me to have a heat for years, but my body just refused. Probably because it knew I was terrified, and that was the last place I wanted to go into heat. I don’t even know what would have happened if I’d gone through a heat with a single beta."
Dr. Sarah gave me a long, pensive look. "If I’m honest, you probably wouldn’t have survived it. Omegas need alphas to get through their heat, or at the very least, they need to be heavily sedated. One single beta—especially one like Alec, who sounds like he was rather inept—wouldn’t have been able to see you through it. It would’ve been agony, and given the state you were in at the time, if the reports from this pack member, what’s his name…” She looked down at her paperwork. “Asher, were correct, you were in a severe state of malnutrition and your body was severely undernourished. You wouldn’t have been able to cope with the pain of going through your heat alone. So, I think your body did what it could to protect you."
I nodded. "And then, once I was with the guys in the cabin, things were different. I felt safe. They made me a nest out of anything they could find. They didn’t have real nesting materials, so I ended up with a few of their shirts. Well, they didn’t exactly give me their shirts—I might’ve kinda stolen them. But they gave me every blanket they could find and every spare piece of bedding. It was a chaotic, makeshift nest, but I loved it because, for the first time in a long time, it was mine. They wouldn’t go near it without my permission, and it was my space.
“My instincts began to come back, but it started slow, and then I suddenly wanted human contact. I hadn’t wanted human contact in years—I would’ve rather jumped off a cliff than let Alec touch me—but when I was with them, it was like I craved it. My skin itched with the need to have cuddles, and they were really sweet about it. Even Dylan, who was not my biggest fan at that point, would cuddle me, just so I felt okay. From there, it just kept developing. I didn’t know what to expect in a heat. I had never had a heat, so I didn't notice the warning signs. And I wasn’t exactly letting the guys know what was going on with me, because I didn’t want to bother them. They were being so caring and so sweet, and I didn’t want to let them think I was getting sick or something, so the small warning signs were missed. Then it all came on so fast. In the blink of an eye, I was deep in a heat."
"And how did your guys react to that?" Dr. Sarah asked.
"They debated for a while, trying to decide what was the right thing to do. I was simply there, in pain, writhing, begging to be knotted while they discussed if it was right to even help or whether it would be worse not to. They were so confused. Bless them. Ultimately, they wanted what was best for me, and I made it very clear, in no uncertain terms, that if they didn’t knot me, I was going to go postal.”
Dr. Sarah chuckled. "Omegas have a lot of power over alphas. They may not fully know about it, or understand it, but the cry of an omega is a powerful thing against an alpha. I’m surprised they held out at all, especially when you were begging for it."
"Yeah," I admitted, "I realised that pretty fast."
"And how do you feel about not talking to them for the entire year? Heats are a powerful thing, they connect people."
I cocked my head to the side. "I don’t like it. If I’m honest, part of me doesn’t understand why I shouldn’t have any contact with them. What’s the harm in messaging each other? What's the harm in having a few conversations? I want to know how Asher’s strawberry garden grows."
She nodded. "The year of silence is so you can take the time to really see what’s out there. Do you think you’d entertain the idea of any other life while you were still talking to them? Honestly, knowing yourself? I’ve only known you for a short amount of time, Juniper, but I get the distinct impression you can be rather stubborn when you want to be."
I smirked. "I can be stubborn, and I do get it, to a point. I just don’t like it."
"How about this?" Dr. Sarah said. "Give it a few months. If you actually start integrating into life here, and you start talking to people, maybe even other alphas— seeing what is out there—I’ll recommend that you guys have a call or a letter or some kind of check-in contact. How does that sound?"
I gawked at her. "You’d allow that?"
"You seem pretty stable, and you do seem to understand what is happening. So, as long as you are making a conscious effort, and you actually want to try this, I don’t see the harm. You have been completely honest with me about the nightmares and about everything you have been through. Honest and open communication—that’s the key to everything," she said with a smile.
I snorted. "If only my brother would understand that."
Dr. Sarah smirked. "I think your brother could only take so much conversation about your sex life before his head implodes. He has been messaging me nonstop, asking if you’re okay."
I gawked. "Are you kidding me?"
She shook her head. "Nope. But don’t worry; I haven’t told him a single thing. You're my client, and that means everything you say to me remains confidential.. There is no way in hell I’d never tell an alpha what an omega’s admitted in our sessions, but you’ve got to give him props for trying. He’s concerned."
I laughed. "I know he’s concerned. I love him dearly, and I look forward to—one day—when I’m out and about in the world and I have my pack, going and spending the holidays with him and his pack. I bet there is only a certain amount of time until Lavender’s going to be knocked up. Those guys love each other far too much, so I can definitely see them having a baby soon, and I want to be the best auntie I can be. Despite everything horrible I’ve been through, life is really looking up, and I’m excited about it."
Dr. Sarah gave me a warm smile. "And that’s what matters."