Chapter Eighteen – Pax
I don’t get out of my car right away once it’s parked and turned off. I sit there in the driveway, stewing at myself and barely resisting the urge deep inside to chase after Raeka.
Not just chase after her. I’d do a hell of a lot more than chase.
Maybe a part of me wants to linger inside my car—it’s full of her scent. Her pure, undiluted, sweet scent. The scent of her slick gives me ideas I definitely shouldn’t have, and yet I’m helpless against them, as evidence of the straining dick in my pants.
Goddamn it. I was ready to fuck her on my car back there. In public . I was ready to sink my aching teeth into that scent gland and bond us together.
What came over me?
I know what came over me: Raeka. The whining.
It did something to me, deep down, something I can’t begin to explain.
The sound she made triggered something in me, something primal.
I wanted to comfort her, to make her feel good.
If I was doing anything to upset her, I’d damn near change everything about me if she so much as asked me to.
I crossed a line today. I thought I was stronger than that.
I thought I could hold back and be professional, but what happened downtown was anything but.
Holding onto her, fucking purring for her…
running my tongue over the skin above her scent gland and tasting nothing but chemicals until I finally got through to her true scent.
She was fucking intoxicating. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be near her again without thinking about her scent, about the delicious slick that followed.
Even now, I still want to bury myself between those legs and get a true taste of it for myself.
I bet she tastes ten times better than she smells.
And this is only the beginning. I’d only just started this job. How much harder is it going to be in the future? Maybe I overestimated my abilities… or maybe Raeka really is just that tempting.
My whole life, I’ve never been tempted like that before. I’ve never wanted to throw it all away without a care about the consequences. That isn’t me. That isn’t how I operate. I’m a lone fucking wolf; I don’t need an omega.
My dick won’t listen, and it remains rock-hard for a while.
It’s as I sit there, alone in my vehicle, that I realize: I don’t think I can do this.
I don’t think I can remain professional when it comes to that omega, not anymore.
The mere thought of her is enough to send me tumbling over the edge. How pathetic is that?
Fucking hell. I need to resign. I need to talk to Gideon, tell him that I messed up and I can’t go through with this job. I’ll get Rourke to finish it out or something. Find someone who’s already bonded to an omega, so Raeka’s scent won’t be an issue.
I have to wait until my throbbing cock doesn’t press against my pants, and once the hardness fades, I get out of my car and start looking for Gideon.
I’m not proud of this; quitting isn’t in my vocabulary, but I don’t know what else to do.
At this point, the only thing I do know is that if I stick around, sooner or later I won’t be able to pull away from her.
Even downtown, in the middle of a busy street, with dozens and dozens of people walking by on the sidewalk, I was ready to make her mine. Hell, I nearly said it. I practically did when I was able to inhale her scent after licking the chemicals off her neck like an absolute lunatic.
I search and search for Gideon, and I finally find him sitting outside on one of the wicker chairs, hunched over. When he hears me exit the house, he straightens out somewhat, but when his blue eyes meet my stare, I can tell something’s bothering him.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, not sure why I give a shit. I’m measured in taking one of the wicker chairs near him, and I sigh as I run my palms over my pantlegs, over my knees.
“Oh, nothing,” he’s quick to say, but then he changes course: “I told Colter the truth. He wasn’t happy.
” He chuckles softly, a sad sound. “He’s never happy.
That’s the problem, but then again, I don’t think I’m ever happy, either, so who am I to judge?
Who am I to try to push him to live his life when I can’t do the same? ”
I’m not someone who’s used to comforting anybody. I don’t do well dealing with these emotions, never had to.
Maybe it’s due to the fact that I feel guilty for what I did with Raeka, or maybe it’s a different reason altogether. Regardless, I find myself saying, “You’re his guardian. It’s your job to push him.”
“Yes, but… if he’s pushed too hard, he—” Gideon stops himself from saying whatever he was going to say, turning the tables around on me as his blue gaze examines me from behind his glasses. “You seem tense. Did something happen in the city?”
Fuck. I don’t know how much I should tell him, or if I should just hand in my resignation now. Figuratively, of course, seeing as how I haven’t typed anything out yet.
My silence must tell him enough, because he shakes his head and mutters, “Something happened, didn’t it?”
“No,” I say, but that word doesn’t feel right, so I go on, “and yes. Nothing happened per se, but at the same time, enough happened that I—” I swallow hard. “—I’m afraid I’m not the man for the job, Gideon.” It’s not in my nature to give up or confess failure. It’s like pulling teeth, only worse.
His brows come together. “What is it?”
“Something happened with Raeka.” I don’t like answering to anyone, but right now, Gideon is basically my boss, even if this particular job is about to come to an end.
He leans back. “Did an alpha try something with her?”
“An alpha did.”
“But you handled it, right?” Something changes in him, something small, something most might not notice—but I do. I see the concern lining his features, the way his mouth thins as he glances behind us at the house, as if trying to spot Raeka through one of its windows. “Is she all right?”
The thought that, perhaps, Gideon cares more about her than he should crosses my mind, but I work to stifle that jealousy down. I can’t forget, when the world looks in on this house, they’ll see him with Raeka, not Colter. It’s good he can act like he cares for her; it’ll make it more believable.
“She’s fine, but…” I close my eyes and stand, walk a few feet away from Gideon and give him my back as I fold my arms over my chest. Eventually, I open my eyes to stare out at the thick forest beyond the grassy part of the yard. “I can’t be here anymore.”
“You…” He trails off after that, and the next time he speaks, he sounds different: “Oh.”
Oh . Oh indeed.
Gideon stands and moves beside me, though he doesn’t gaze out at the yard, but at me. “What happened, Pax?”
“I don’t even know. I was driving us back after her lunch with her friend, but something was wrong with her.
I could sense it, and it bothered me. I couldn’t let it go.
She tried to tell me it was nothing, but I…
I used my dominance on her. I shouldn’t have.
” I’ve never felt more regretful about anything in my life before, but exerting my dominance over Raeka? That takes the cake.
“That doesn’t sound so bad.”
“Then she got out of the car and started to march away. I had to park and go after her. She wouldn’t come back with me, so I had to pick her up. She…” The memory of her whining fills me with unease, even now. “She whined.”
“Well, I’m sure she can understand why you had to do what you did—”
“No,” I cut in, shooting him a look. “I mean, she whined , and it was like something in me just snapped. Broke. Melted. However you want to describe it. My only goal was getting her back to the car and comforting her.”
Gideon asks quietly, “And did you?” I detect no judgment in his voice, nor any anger, and that makes it worse. He’s such a laid-back alpha, so out of the norm. Weird.
“You could say that,” I speak bitterly. “She slicked, and the only reason things didn’t escalate further was because another alpha came and reminded us we were in public, that I needed to get her home and take care of her.
” I turn towards him. “And I still want to. I know she’s somewhere in that house, and even now, I’m dying to go find her.
Fucking dying.” An annoyed chuckle comes from me, a sound I don’t typically make.
“It’s the dumbest thing. I couldn’t explain it to you if I tried. ”
“She makes you feel things.”
“Yeah.”
“Things you have no right to.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Things that,” Gideon pauses, “should be easily ignored, especially since she does her best to cover up her scent. I can only imagine how good she smelled when she…” He must not be able to make himself say it: slicked .
“So you understand, then, why I can’t do the job?”
The look he gives me tells me I’m crazy, but he sounds as level-headed as always when he says, “She claims she doesn’t want an alpha, yet you clearly have some kind of connection to her.
I’d be a fool to think she can get by forever, even if she does end up pursuing my nephew.
I’m not going to tell you to leave, but if you want to go, I won’t stop you, either—and I won’t try to control Raeka.
Regardless of what the world might think, I don’t own her. ”
After all that, after knowing the truth about what nearly happened between me and the omega he wants to set up with his nephew, he’s leaving the choice up to me? Honestly, I don’t know what to think of this man. He’s coming at it with a prudent attitude I didn’t anticipate.
“Maybe,” I say, “Raeka should be the one to decide if I stay or go.” As Gideon nods along with me, I ask, “Should I talk to Colter?”
“No. I’ll handle my nephew. You just…” He coughs. “Go take a cold shower or something.” And then he walks away, heading inside the house, thereby leaving me standing outside, under the warm sun, alone.
Well, if you would’ve asked me how I thought that talk would go, this is not it.
I don’t like screwing up jobs. I take pride in what I do. Still, I can’t help but want to stay. The thought of leaving, of never seeing Raeka again, fills me with such bitter agony it chokes me.
There’s just something about that omega that drives me crazy.